Judges 9

Insight

The Illusion of "Waving Over the Trees"

We live in a world that constantly demands we "wave over the trees." From the moment we wake up and glance at our phones, we are bombarded with images of curated perfection: the parent who somehow packs bento-box lunches with hand-carved vegetable stars, the career executive who never misses a bedtime, the family whose living room looks like a design showroom instead of a plastic-toy battleground. This pressure to perform, to dominate, and to hold sway over our peers is what Jotham’s famous parable in Judges 9:8-15 calls out with startling, timeless clarity. In this ancient fable, the trees go searching for a leader. They approach the noble olive tree, the productive fig tree, and the joyous grapevine, begging each to rule over them. But these fruitful, deeply rooted trees refuse. They ask: Why should we stop producing our rich oil, our sweetness, and our new wine, just to go and wave over the other trees? They understand something we modern parents so easily forget: chasing empty prestige, validation, and external control always requires us to abandon our unique, God-given sweetness.

When the productive trees decline, the desperate crowd turns to the useless thornbush Judges 9:14. The thornbush, which produces no fruit, has no deep roots, and offers nothing but sharp edges, eagerly accepts. It boasts, "Come and take shelter in my shade"—a ridiculous offer, since a low, prickly thornbush provides no real shade—and threatens to burn down anyone who disagrees Judges 9:15. This is the tragedy of "thornbush leadership" and "thornbush parenting." When we lose touch with our own internal value and our unique family mission, we start acting like the thornbush. We become prickly, anxious, and controlling. We try to dominate our schedules, our spouses, and our children because we are secretly terrified of our own emptiness. We trade our quiet, nourishing "sweetness" for the loud, combustible illusion of having it all together.

Reclaiming Our Sweetness in the Chaos

In his commentary on this passage, the Malbim Malbim on Judges 9:10:1 sheds light on a profound psychological truth. He explains that when the wise and the good—those who understand their true purpose—refuse to chase empty power, a different group emerges. These are the people who seek material indulgence and external validation. They try to convince the productive fig tree to rule, hoping to use its natural gifts to satisfy their own craving for luxury and status. The Malbim teaches us that the pressure to abandon our true calling and chase social "sway" often comes from the outside world's desire to consume our energy for its own superficial standards.

When we look at the fig tree’s response in Judges 9:11, Rashi Rashi on Judges 9:11:1 notes that its "sweetness" refers specifically to "the honey of dates." Date honey is thick, rich, and slow-cooked; it is a sweetness that takes time to develop. It is not the cheap, artificial sugar of social media praise. Similarly, Metzudat Zion Metzudat Zion on Judges 9:11:1 explains that matki means "my sweetness," and tenuvati Metzudat Zion on Judges 9:11:2 means "my fruit" or "my unique produce." This is your signature parenting style, your family’s unique rhythm, the quiet warmth of your home. Your sweetness might be the silly bedtime song you sing, the messy but loving Friday night dinners, or the way you hold your child when they are having a meltdown.

The Minchat Shai Minchat Shai on Judges 9:11:1 even points out a subtle grammatical nuance in the Hebrew word matki (my sweetness), noting a specific vocalization that emphasizes its personal, possessive quality. This is your sweetness. It belongs to your family. Yet, how often do we sacrifice this precious, slow-cooked date honey of family connection because we are trying to "wave over the trees" of school-yard gossip, academic competition, or neighborhood standards?

Tzom Tammuz and the Breached Boundaries of the Home

Today is Tzom Tammuz, the fast day that commemorates the breaching of the walls of Jerusalem. In Jewish tradition, walls are not just about keeping enemies out; they are about protecting the sacred space within. When the walls of Jerusalem were breached, the external world rushed in, causing chaos and ultimately leading to the destruction of our most sacred sanctuary.

As parents, our homes are our sanctuaries. But in our hyper-connected, fast-paced lives, our personal walls are constantly being breached. We let the external pressures of comparison, busywork, and digital noise flood our living rooms. We allow the "Abimelechs" of modern culture—the loud, reckless voices that demand we sacrifice our peace for productivity—to rule our households. Steinsaltz Steinsaltz on Judges 9:1 reminds us that Abimelech’s rise to power began with a manipulative appeal to tribalism and bloodlines: "Remember, I am your own flesh and blood." He played on their insecurities and their desire for a quick, strong-arm leader.

When our boundaries are weak, we too fall prey to these quick-fix, high-control parenting methods. We yell, we micromanage, and we demand instant compliance because our internal "walls" have collapsed under stress. Rebuilding our walls on Tzom Tammuz means reclaiming our boundaries. It means deciding that the opinions of the "trees" outside do not dictate the peace inside our home. It means choosing to protect our "rich oil" and our "sweetness" from being consumed by the endless demands of a world that values performance over soul. You do not need to be the king of the forest; you just need to be the tree that nourishes its own roots.

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Text Snapshot

"But the fig tree replied, 'Have I stopped yielding my sweetness, my delicious fruit, that I should go and wave above the trees?'" — Judges 9:11

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Activity

The "Sweetness vs. Sway" Family Tree Map

This is a low-stress, zero-prep, 10-minute activity designed to help your family identify their unique, quiet strengths (their "sweetness" and "oil") and contrast them with their "thornbush moments" (when they get prickly because they are trying to show off or feel insecure). It is a beautiful way to teach children that they don’t have to be the loudest or most popular person in the room to be incredibly valuable.

Step 1: Gather Your Materials (1 Minute)

Grab a single sheet of plain paper and a couple of markers or crayons. You don't need fancy art supplies. If you are in the car or at the dinner table, you can even do this entirely verbally—no paper required!

Step 2: Draw the "Three Fruit Trees" (2 Minutes)

On your paper, quickly sketch three simple trees next to each other. Don't worry about your drawing skills; "good-enough" is our gold standard here.

• Tree 1: The Olive Tree (Label it "Our Rich Oil" – the quiet ways we bring peace, light, and comfort to others).
• Tree 2: The Fig Tree (Label it "Our Sweetness" – the things we do that bring warmth, joy, and sweetness to our family).
• Tree 3: The Grapevine (Label it "Our Joy" – the things that make us laugh, feel energetic, and bring fun to our home).

At the very bottom of the page, draw a tiny, prickly scribble and label it "The Thornbush" (the times we get prickly, bossy, or loud because we want attention or are feeling left out).

Step 3: Fill in the Trees (5 Minutes)

Ask your child (and answer for yourself!) these simple, low-pressure questions. Write down their answers (or have them draw them) on the branches of the respective trees.

• For the Olive Tree (Quiet Comfort): "What is something kind and quiet you did this week that made someone else feel good? Maybe you shared a toy without being asked, or you sat next to someone who was lonely."
• For the Fig Tree (Our Sweetness): "What is your favorite way to show love in our family? Is it giving big hugs, telling a silly joke, or helping set the table?" (Recall the Steinsaltz commentary Steinsaltz on Judges 9:10 that the fig tree is stately and reliable—it is about those steady, daily acts of love).
• For the Grapevine (Our Joy): "What is something that makes your soul feel happy and alive? Playing tag, reading a book, or building with Legos?"
• For the Thornbush (The Prickly Moments): "We all have 'thornbush moments' when we feel empty and start poking other people. What does your thornbush look like? Do you yell, do you stomp, or do you try to boss everyone else around?"

Step 4: The 2-Minute Family Huddle (2 Minutes)

Look at your completed map together. Wrap up the activity by saying something like this:

"Look at our family map. We have so much rich oil, sweetness, and joy inside of us. Sometimes, we get tempted to act like the thornbush because we want to be the boss or we want everyone to look at us. But the thornbush is actually empty and dry inside. This week, if you feel yourself getting prickly like a thornbush, let's stop and remember: you already have so much sweetness inside you. You don't need to wave over the other trees to be special."

Age-Appropriate Modifications

• For Toddlers & Preschoolers: Keep it ultra-simple. Skip the writing. Just draw a happy face on a fruit and a grumpy, prickly face on the thornbush. Ask them: "Are we feeling like a sweet strawberry right now, or a prickly thornbush?" When they are having a tantrum, you can gently say, "Oh, I see some thornbush prickles coming out. Let's take a deep breath and find our sweetness again."
• For Older Kids & Teens: Teens are incredibly sensitive to the peer pressure of "waving over the trees" on social media. Frame the conversation around digital boundaries. Ask them: "How much of your energy is going into 'waving' on Instagram or TikTok, and how much is going into the things that actually make you feel grounded and sweet inside?"

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Script

The "Why is the Mean Kid Popular?" Conversation

One of the hardest things for a child to navigate is school-yard social dynamics. They watch kids who behave like Abimelech—ruthless, loud, and manipulative—climb to the top of the social ladder. Your child comes home, deflated and confused, and asks: "Why does everyone want to be friends with Tyler? He is so mean to people, but everyone still follows him and thinks he's the coolest."

Here is a 30-second script designed to validate their feelings, introduce the wisdom of Jotham's parable, and reinforce their own self-worth without sounding preachy.

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The 30-Second Script

"I hear you, sweetie, and it really makes no sense, does it? It can feel so unfair when someone who is mean gets all the attention.

There’s actually a really old Jewish story about this. It says that sometimes, the sweetest and kindest people are busy just doing their own beautiful things—like an olive tree making oil or a fig tree making sweet fruit. They don't feel the need to boss everyone else around. But a thornbush? It doesn't have any fruit at all, so it tries to get attention by being loud and prickly, demanding that everyone bow down to it.

Kids like Tyler are often acting like that thornbush. They are loud because they feel empty inside. You have so much natural sweetness and kindness in you. You don't need to be a prickly thornbush to be important. I love you exactly as you are, and the right friends will love your sweetness, too."

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Why This Script Works (Parenting Coach Breakdown)

• It Validates Their Reality: Instead of gaslighting them by saying "Oh, I'm sure Tyler is nice deep down," you validate their accurate observation of social dynamics. Children need to know that we see what they see.
• It Uses Metaphor Instead of Judgment: By comparing the popular but mean child to a "thornbush," you take the personal venom out of the situation. It helps your child understand the why behind the behavior: the child is acting out because they lack internal "fruit" (security, love, self-worth).
• It Reframes Strength: It teaches your child that quiet productivity (producing oil and sweetness) is a form of power. It shifts the definition of success from "having sway over others" to "being true to oneself."
• It Lowers the Stakes: It reminds them that they don't need to compete with the thornbush. They can step off the battlefield entirely and just focus on being a fruitful tree.

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Habit

The "Am I Waving or Tending?" Morning Pause

This week, we are going to practice a micro-habit that takes exactly 15 seconds every morning. It is designed to rebuild your personal "walls" before the chaos of the day breaches your peace.

[ Wake Up ] ──> [ Deep Breath ] ──> [ Ask: "Waving or Tending?" ] ──> [ Step into Day ]

How to Do It:

Before you check your phone, before you jump out of bed to pack lunches, and before you engage with the morning rush:

1. Place one hand on your heart.
2. Take one deep, slow breath.
3. Ask yourself this simple question: "Am I going to spend today trying to 'wave over the trees,' or am I going to tend my own sweetness?"

What This Means in Practice:

• If you are "waving": You are focusing on how your parenting looks to others, rushing your kids through transitions to avoid being late and judged, or checking your phone constantly to see if you are validated.
• If you are "tending": You are focusing on the actual connection in front of you. You are choosing to let go of a minor mess to preserve your sense of humor. You are keeping your boundaries intact.

This micro-habit is a gentle, daily reminder that your family does not need a king or a queen who rules with perfection. They just need a parent who is willing to stay rooted in their own slow-cooked, beautiful sweetness.

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Takeaway

You don't need to be the loudest tree in the forest to be worthy. Protect your family's quiet sweetness, let go of the need to "wave over others," and bless the beautiful, fruitful chaos of your home.