Path: Jewish Parenting in 15 — The Art of "Wait and See"

Insight: The Holy Tension of Uncertainty

As parents, we are often obsessed with the "final verdict." Did we do it right? Is our child’s development "on track"? Did that interaction with the teacher go well, or did we somehow mess it up? We live in a world that demands instant categorization: good/bad, pass/fail, pure/impure. But as we see in Chullin 36, the Talmudic Sages lived in a much more nuanced, often uncomfortable space: the space of "waiting to see."

The debate between the Sages regarding whether blood of slaughter renders food susceptible to ritual impurity highlights a profound parenting truth. Sometimes, we lack the "final data" on an outcome. Rabbi Ḥiyya’s position, where he argues that we place the matter in abeyance (tulin), is not an admission of defeat; it is a sophisticated, mature spiritual posture. It is the recognition that labeling a situation prematurely—declaring a child "lazy," a school year "a disaster," or a tantrum "a failure"—actually limits our ability to respond with wisdom.

In the classroom of the Talmud, the Sages teach us that some things remain ambiguous. They don’t just shrug; they hold the question. They protect the sanctity of the process. In parenting, this means resisting the urge to jump to conclusions when our kids are in the middle of a messy developmental "slaughter"—a transition, a growth spurt, or a social conflict. When we "place it in abeyance," we are saying, "I don’t need to judge this right now. I can hold this uncertainty without needing to fix or break it."

This is the beauty of "good-enough" parenting. It is the realization that many of the things we worry about are essentially in a state of teiku—they are unresolved, and they don't need to be resolved by us today. Just as the Sages were careful not to treat something as impure when the status was truly unknown, we should be careful not to label our children’s temporary struggles as permanent character flaws.

Living with uncertainty is the crucible of character. When we teach our children that it is okay not to know, or okay to wait for more information before deciding how we feel about a situation, we are giving them a tremendous gift. We are teaching them the Jewish concept of yishuv ha-da’at—a settled mind. A mind that doesn't panic at the sight of a "splash" of blood (or a "splash" of drama) is a mind that can actually see clearly.

Consider the "regard for sanctity" (chivvat ha-kodesh) discussed in our text. The Sages recognize that things associated with the holy have a different status, a different level of sensitivity. Your home, your family, and your children are your kodesh (your sanctuary). Sometimes, the very sensitivity that makes them sacred makes them more prone to "impurity"—more prone to being affected by the world’s harshness, by our own anxieties, or by the pressures of social media and peers.

The Sages’ discussion reminds us that we are the stewards of this sanctity. We don't have to be perfect; we just have to be present enough to discern when something is a "surge" of life that is natural, and when it is something that needs a moment of pause. By embracing the "wait and see" approach, we lower the temperature in our homes. We move away from the frantic need to control every variable and move toward a model of observation, patience, and trust.

When your toddler throws a plate, or your teenager snaps at you, you don’t have to decide their entire future in that micro-second. You can "place the matter in abeyance." You can take a breath. You can observe. You can decide that, for now, you will neither "eat" the conflict (by internalizing it as your fault) nor "burn" it (by exploding in anger). You hold it. You wait. You see what happens when the dust settles. That space between the event and your reaction is where the parenting magic happens. That space is where shalom bayit—peace in the home—is forged.

Text Snapshot

Chullin 36 "Rabbi Ḥiyya says: One places the matter in abeyance... one may neither eat the gourd, as perhaps it is impure, nor may one burn it, as perhaps it is pure."

"And in a case such as this, one places the matter in abeyance; one may neither eat nor burn it."

Activity: The "Wait-Room" Jar (≤10 min)

We often feel the need to solve every problem immediately. This activity helps you and your children practice the art of "placing things in abeyance."

For Toddlers & Preschoolers (The "Pause Button")

• Concept: Create a "Pause Button" (a red circle on the wall or a physical button).
• Practice: When the child is overwhelmed or a conflict arises, instead of rushing to "fix" it, walk over to the "Pause Button" together. Take three deep breaths. Tell them, "We are in the wait-room right now. We don’t have to decide what to do yet. Let’s just breathe."
• Benefit: Normalizes taking a break before reacting to big emotions.

For Elementary-Aged Children (The "Wonder Jar")

• Concept: Keep a physical jar on your kitchen counter.
• Practice: When your child comes home with a stressful story (e.g., "Nobody played with me at recess!"), write it down on a slip of paper and drop it in the "Wonder Jar." Tell them, "We are putting this in the jar. We don’t have to solve this right now. We can look at it again after dinner/tomorrow morning."
• Benefit: Teaches that we can hold onto a problem without letting it consume our entire day.

For Teens (The "36-Hour Rule")

• Concept: A mental framework for high-stakes conflicts.
• Practice: Agree on a rule: If a situation feels explosive, both parent and teen have the right to say, "I’m putting this in the 36-hour vault." This means no further discussion of the topic for 36 hours.
• Benefit: Allows the "adrenaline" to dissipate so that the actual conversation can happen from a place of logic rather than reactive heat.

Script: The "I’m Not Sure Yet"

When your child asks for a decision on something you aren't ready to answer, or when you are caught in an awkward social situation, use these scripts to model the wisdom of "abeyance."

Script 1: The Impulsive Request

Child: "Can I go to the sleepover/buy the expensive game/start that new hobby right now?" Parent: "That’s a big question. I’m going to put that in the 'wait-room' for a little bit so I can think about it properly. I don't need to give you an answer this second, and neither do you. Let’s talk about it on [Day/Time]."

Script 2: The "Who was wrong?" Moment

Child: "Mom/Dad, tell me! Who was being meaner, me or my brother?" Parent: "I’m not the judge of this room today, and I don't have all the facts. Right now, I’m putting this whole situation in 'abeyance.' We are all going to take a break from this topic for an hour. When we are all calm, we can talk about what happened, but we don’t need to decide who is 'impure' right now."

Script 3: The Social Pressure/Awkward Question

Child: "Why does Aunt Sarah always ask why I’m not married/why I got that grade?" Parent: "That’s a tough question, and I don’t have a perfect answer for you right now. I’m going to hold that thought in my mind. Let’s observe her next time and see if we can understand where she’s coming from, rather than deciding she’s 'bad' or 'mean' immediately. Let's just wait and see."

Habit: The "End-of-Day Review"

For one week, keep a small notebook by your bed. Before you go to sleep, write down one thing that happened during the day that caused you stress or anxiety. Next to it, write the word "Tulin" (Abeyance).

The goal is not to solve the problem, but to acknowledge that you are "placing it in the jar." You are training your brain to stop the cycle of constant evaluation. Remind yourself: I have held this today; I do not need to burn it or eat it right now. I can let it sit.

Takeaway

Parenting is not about being a perfect judge or a master of instant solutions; it is about being a steady, observant guardian of the sanctity of your home. By learning to "place things in abeyance," you grant yourself and your children the grace of time—the time required for emotions to settle, for perspectives to shift, and for the truth to reveal itself. You are enough, even when the answer is "I don't know yet."