Chullin 36

Insight: Embracing the "In-Between"

In the complex, high-stakes world of the Talmud, our Sages often found themselves navigating states of uncertainty. In Chullin 36, the discussion centers on whether the blood of a slaughtered animal "renders susceptible" food to ritual impurity. The conversation is technical and legalistic, but underneath the debate about gourds and slaughtering procedures lies a profound, deeply human parenting lesson: the art of sitting with uncertainty.

When a situation is unclear—when we don’t know if an item is "pure" or "impure"—the Sages suggest a path of tliya, or "suspension." In the case of the gourd, they conclude: one may neither eat the gourd, as perhaps it is impure, nor may one burn it, as perhaps it is pure Chullin 36a. In our modern parenting lives, we are constantly pressured to have the "right" answer. We want to know exactly how to fix a tantrum, how to ensure our child’s future, or how to categorize every behavior as "good" or "bad." We want to "eat" the situation (resolve it fully) or "burn" it (discard it and move on).

But parenting is rarely that binary. Often, we are in a state of "abeyance." We see a behavior in our child that we don't fully understand. Is this a phase? Is this a red flag? Is this just growing pains? When we rush to label, judge, or "fix" things prematurely, we risk acting out of anxiety rather than wisdom. The Sages teach us that there is holiness in the pause. By not eating the gourd and not burning it, they are honoring the complexity of the reality. They are saying: "We don't know yet, and it is safer to hold this space with care than to act impulsively."

As parents, we are often overwhelmed by the "noise" of modern advice, social media standards, and the pressure to be perfect. We feel we must have a definitive judgment on our parenting every single day. But what if we practiced the wisdom of tliya? What if, when we felt the urge to jump to a conclusion or force a "win," we instead took a breath and sat in the uncertainty? You don’t have to have the solution for every emotional outburst or developmental hurdle right this second. Giving yourself permission to "wait and see" is not a sign of weakness; it is a profound exercise in patience. It protects the integrity of your child’s process and your own peace of mind. Just as the Sages were willing to leave a question unresolved to avoid a mistake, you can choose to let some things remain "in abeyance" until you have more clarity. This is the ultimate micro-win: shifting from a state of frantic resolution to a state of calm, observant presence. You are doing enough simply by showing up and refusing to rush the messy, beautiful process of growing up.

Text Snapshot

The Gemara asks what it means that the matter is placed in abeyance: "It means that one may neither eat the gourd, as perhaps it is impure... nor may one burn it, as perhaps it is pure." Chullin 36a

Activity: The "Pause and Reflect" jar (5 Minutes)

This activity is designed to help you and your children practice the art of "holding" an emotion or a situation before jumping to a reaction.

The Setup:

1. Keep a small jar on your kitchen counter or by the family dinner table.
2. When a moment of chaos, confusion, or "unknown" happens (a spilled drink, an argument over a toy, a sudden tantrum), don't rush to resolve it immediately.
3. After the immediate physical danger or mess is handled, write down the "question" or the "unknown" on a small slip of paper. (Example: "Why was Yoni so upset about his shoes today?" or "I'm not sure how to handle this disagreement.")
4. Put the slip in the jar. Tell your child, "We don't have to figure this out right this second. We are going to put this in our 'Thinking Jar' and let it rest."

The Goal: This activity creates a physical boundary between the event and your reaction. It teaches children (and reminds parents) that feelings and problems can be "held" without being "solved" instantly. If the problem is still bothering you later, revisit the jar. Often, you will find that after a few hours, the urgency has faded, and the solution—or the realization that no "fix" was needed—becomes clear. It shifts the dynamic from reactivity to reflection. You are showing your child that it is okay not to have all the answers, and that uncertainty is just a part of life that we can manage together with patience rather than panic.

Script: When You Don't Know the Answer

Often, our kids ask us "Why?" or "What should I do?" when we are feeling just as lost as they are. Here is a 30-second script to use when you feel the pressure to be the "expert" but actually have no idea what to do.

The Script: "That is a really great question, and to be honest, I’m not sure of the answer right this second. I want to give it some real thought rather than just guessing. Let’s sit with it for a little while—maybe we can check back in with each other after dinner? I love that we can be curious about things together, even when we don't have the answer right now. You don't have to be perfect, and neither do I. Let's just keep thinking about it."

Why this works: It models intellectual humility. It shows your child that "not knowing" is not a failure; it’s an invitation to reflection. It also buys you, the parent, the precious time you need to regulate your own emotions, step back from the "heat of the moment," and approach the issue with a clearer, calmer head later on.

Habit: The "Five-Minute Reset"

This week, your micro-habit is to implement a "Five-Minute Reset" at the end of the day. After the kids are in bed (or during a quiet moment), take five minutes to identify one "uncertainty" from your day. It could be a parenting choice you aren't sure about or a social situation that felt awkward. Instead of obsessing over whether you did it "right" or "wrong," simply acknowledge: "I am holding this in abeyance."

Write it in a notebook or just say it aloud. By naming it and letting it rest, you are intentionally choosing not to "eat" the worry or "burn" the energy of the day. You are practicing the holy art of letting things be, trusting that tomorrow is a new day with new clarity. This prevents the "parenting hangover" where we replay our mistakes until we are exhausted. By creating this intentional space, you allow yourself to wake up the next morning with a clean slate, knowing that it is okay to be a work in progress.

Takeaway

Parenting is a series of moments that are rarely black and white. Following the wisdom of Chullin 36, you have the permission to move away from the pressure of immediate resolution. Practice "abeyance"—the ability to hold a problem without needing to force an outcome. Whether it's through the "Thinking Jar" or the "Five-Minute Reset," your goal is to trade the anxiety of perfection for the peace of patience. You are enough, even when the answers aren't clear.