Menachot 69

Insight: Embracing the "Dilemma" of Parenting

Parenting often feels like a series of unresolved dilemmas—a constant "teiku" (let it stand). In Menachot 69, the Sages grapple with questions that seem impossible to categorize: Are grains in the ground like land, or are they like objects in a jug? Does the growth of a plant follow its origin or its current state? These are not merely abstract academic exercises; they are profound reflections on the nature of development, identity, and change. As parents, we are constantly asking these same questions about our children. Is our child the same person they were when they were toddlers, or does their "current growth" define them? When they act out, is it an extension of a "bad seed" or a temporary state of being?

The beauty of the Gemara here is its comfort with ambiguity. The Sages do not force a conclusion when the evidence is conflicting; they allow the dilemma to stand. As parents, we often suffer from the "need to know" trap. We want to know exactly what a behavior means, exactly how to fix it, and exactly what the long-term outcome will be. We fear that if we don't label the behavior—"he’s defiant," "she’s anxious," "he’s lazy"—we are failing to provide proper guidance. But Menachot 69 teaches us that sometimes, the most honest and wise stance is to hold the uncertainty without judgment.

When you see a child struggling, don't rush to label the entire "harvest." Maybe the "disgusting" kernels—the mistakes, the tantrums, the social mishaps—are just part of the messy cycle of growth. Just as the Sages debated whether something that has passed through a digestive tract is still essentially itself or something new, we must recognize that our children are constantly being "digested" by their experiences. They go through phases that feel like waste, yet they emerge to be replanted. We provide the soil—the love, the safety, the Jewish values—and we trust that the process of growth is more mysterious and robust than our limited, anxious labels can capture.

True parenting resilience isn't about having all the answers; it’s about having the capacity to stay present while the child is still "budding." When we feel that intense pressure to "fix" a child’s behavior, we are essentially trying to force a premature harvest. We are looking for the omer (the first fruits) before the root has truly settled. Practice letting the dilemma stand. When your child does something that puzzles or frustrates you, instead of labeling them, say to yourself, "This is a moment of unfolding." You don’t have to know if it’s a permanent trait or a temporary condition. By releasing the need for immediate categorization, you lower your own blood pressure and create space for the child to grow into their own definition, rather than the one you’ve projected onto them. Bless the chaos of these dilemmas; they are the fertile ground where your child’s unique character is taking root, often in ways that are entirely invisible to the naked eye. Your "good-enough" attempt to just stay in the room, to breathe through the mess, and to keep the soil of your home warm and welcoming is the most important "offering" you can bring.

Text Snapshot

"Rami bar Ḥama raises a dilemma: With regard to the two loaves... are all fruit that are budding... permitted, or are only fruit that has gone through formation permitted?" (Menachot 69a)

"The Gemara concludes: The dilemma shall stand unresolved." (Menachot 69a)

Activity: The "Growth Jar" (10 Minutes)

Parenting is a long game, and it’s easy to feel like you are failing when you only look at the current day's "crop." This activity is designed to help you and your child visualize the process of growth as a journey rather than a snapshot.

1. The Setup: Grab a clear jar (a mason jar or any recycled glass container). Label it "Our Growing Year."
2. The Task: Spend five minutes with your child talking about things that are currently "in the dirt." These are the things they are working on—learning to tie shoes, practicing patience, getting better at math, or trying to be a better friend.
3. The Planting: Write these things on small slips of paper. You can even draw little "seeds" on them. Put them into the jar.
4. The Mindset: Explain to your child: "Sometimes we don't see the plant yet, but the seed is under the dirt doing the work."
5. The Ritual: Every Friday afternoon, before Shabbat, pull one slip out. If they’ve made progress, celebrate the "sprout." If they haven't, talk about how "the roots are still getting strong." This teaches your child (and reminds you) that development is a process, not an instant result. It normalizes the "unresolved" nature of growth. Even if the dilemma is still "teiku"—unresolved—the seed is still in the jar, being nurtured.

Script: When You Don't Have the Answer

Sometimes kids ask, "Why do I have to do this?" or "Why am I like this?" or "Why did that happen?" When you don't have a clear, "wise" answer, you don't need to fake one.

The 30-Second Script: "That is such a deep, important question, and honestly? I don’t have a perfect answer for you right now. The truth is, sometimes in life—and in parenting—we have to be okay with not knowing the answer immediately. We call that 'sitting with the question.' Just because we don't have the answer today doesn't mean we aren't learning. Let’s keep watching, keep growing, and see what we discover together as we go. I’m proud of you for even asking something that big."

Why this works: It models intellectual humility, removes the pressure on you to be an all-knowing authority, and validates the child’s curiosity without rushing to a potentially wrong or superficial conclusion.

Habit: The "Root-Check" Micro-Habit

This week, commit to one "Root-Check." Once a day, when you feel the urge to correct or criticize your child, pause for five seconds. Ask yourself: "Is this a temporary 'budding' issue, or something that needs immediate harvest?" If it’s something minor, choose to let it go. Focus instead on the "root"—the underlying feeling or need. Did they act out because they are tired? Hungry? Anxious? Address the root (the soil) rather than the fruit (the behavior). This 5-second pause is your micro-win against the impulse to control, and it creates a calmer, more empathetic environment for both of you.

Takeaway

Parenting is the ultimate "teiku"—a series of dilemmas that never quite get the clear-cut resolution we crave. Stop trying to harvest the fruit before the roots are ready. Your job is to be the gardener who provides the light and the water, not the one who dictates the exact timeline of the bloom. Trust the process, trust your child’s potential, and above all, trust that your presence in the garden is enough.