Mishneh Torah, Plaintiff and Defendant 7-9

Here's your Jewish Parenting in 15 lesson, designed for busy parents looking for practical, empathetic guidance.

Jewish Parenting in 15: The Power of Your Words

## Insight

We're diving into a fascinating aspect of Jewish law today, found in the Mishneh Torah, discussing admissions and testimony. While it might seem like dusty legal jargon, the core principles here offer profound insights into how we, as parents, communicate with our children, especially about responsibilities and commitments. The text grapples with situations where someone admits to owing a debt. The key question is: when does an admission count, and when might it be dismissed? It hinges on the presence of witnesses, the intent behind the words, and whether the admission is made in a formal setting or as a casual remark.

Think about it: when you tell your child, "You promised to clean your room," or "Remember, you said you'd help with dinner," you're essentially creating a similar situation. You're relying on their words as an admission of a commitment. The Mishneh Torah teaches us that intent matters. Was it a genuine commitment, or was it said "facetiously," perhaps to get out of something, or to avoid seeming a certain way? This is incredibly relevant to our parenting. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we might hear our child say things they don't fully intend, or perhaps they say what they think we want to hear to avoid conflict.

The text also highlights the power of witnesses. When an admission is made in front of two reliable witnesses, it carries weight. This is a reminder for us as parents. Are we creating a space for honest communication, where commitments are made with intention and perhaps even a sense of accountability? It’s not about trapping our children, but about fostering an environment where their words have meaning.

Furthermore, the Mishneh Torah discusses situations where someone later claims they made the admission for a specific reason, like not wanting to appear wealthy. This is a fascinating psychological insight. We, too, might have children who say things to please us, to avoid appearing lazy, or to fit in with siblings. The law offers a path for these claims, often requiring an oath, which signifies a serious commitment to truth. This teaches us to listen, to understand the underlying motivations, and to approach these situations with empathy, even when the words themselves might be problematic.

Ultimately, this passage is a gentle nudge to consider the weight and intention behind our children's words, and by extension, our own. It's about building trust, fostering responsibility, and understanding that sometimes, what's said is just the surface. We need to listen for the deeper meaning, acknowledge the "good enough" tries, and bless the messy, imperfect process of growing up and learning to be accountable. The goal isn't to be a judge, but a guide, helping our children understand the power and responsibility that comes with their words.

## Text Snapshot

"When a person admits that he owes a maneh to a colleague in the presence of two witnesses, and makes his statement as an admission and not as a casual matter of conversation, his remarks serve as the basis for testimony... If the plaintiff lodged a claim against him and he denied making these statements, his words are not heeded, and he is required to make restitution on the basis of the testimony of the witnesses." — Mishneh Torah, Plaintiff and Defendant 7:1

"If there was only one witness present when he made his statements, he is required to take an oath, for he made his statement as an admission." — Mishneh Torah, Plaintiff and Defendant 7:1

"If, after the witnesses came and testified, the defendant claimed: 'I made the admission in order not to appear wealthy,' his word is accepted, but he is required to take a sh'vuat hesset."

— Mishneh Torah, Plaintiff and Defendant 7:1

## Activity: "Commitment Creators" - 7 Minutes

This activity is about helping your child understand the concept of a real promise versus a casual remark.

1. Setup (1 minute): Find a comfortable spot with your child. You'll need two small objects that can represent "witnesses" – maybe two LEGO bricks, two pebbles, or even two stuffed animals.
2. Explain the Concept (2 minutes): Say to your child: "You know how sometimes we say we'll do something, but maybe we don't really mean it, or it's just a quick thought? And sometimes we say we'll do something, and we really mean it, and we promise?" "In Jewish tradition, there's a whole idea about how our words can be really important, especially when we make promises. Today, we're going to play a game called 'Commitment Creators' to explore this."
3. Demonstrate with "Witnesses" (3 minutes):
   • Scenario 1 (Casual Remark): Pick up one of your "witness" objects. Say to your child, "Imagine I said, 'I might clean up the toys later.' And I just said it while walking by." Then, put the "witness" down. Ask: "Did I make a strong promise there?" (Likely answer: No.)
   • Scenario 2 (Real Commitment): Pick up both "witness" objects. Place them facing you and your child. Say: "Now, imagine I looked at you, and said, 'I promise I will help you build that amazing LEGO castle right after dinner.' And I said it to you, and these two are like my 'witnesses' who heard me making a real promise."
   • Child's Turn: Now, ask your child to make a small, genuine promise to you about something they can do (e.g., "I promise I'll put my shoes away when I come inside"). Have them use the "witnesses" and say their promise clearly.
4. Debrief (1 minute): Ask your child: "What felt different about the second time? When do our words feel like they have more power?" Guide them to the idea that saying it clearly, looking at the person, and having "witnesses" (even pretend ones) makes it feel more like a real commitment.

Why this works: This activity uses tangible objects to represent the abstract concept of witnesses. It helps children differentiate between casual speech and intentional commitment, a crucial skill for understanding responsibility. It’s playful and low-pressure, focusing on the feeling of a promise.

## Script: Navigating the "Why Did You Say That?"

Scenario: Your child said they definitely want to do a certain chore or activity, but now they’re backing out, and you’re trying to understand.

(Parent, gently): "Hey sweetie, remember earlier today, you said you were really excited to help me bake cookies after school? You sounded so sure about it!"

(Child, sheepishly or defiantly): "Yeah, but I don't want to now." or "I just said that."

(Parent, calmly and empathetically): "Okay, I hear you. Sometimes when we say things, we mean them in the moment, but then our feelings change, and that's okay. The Mishneh Torah talks about how sometimes people say things, and it's important to understand why they said it. Was it a strong promise, or were you just saying what you thought might make me happy, or maybe you just weren't thinking?"

(Pause for child’s response. If they say "I just said that" or "I didn't really mean it"): "Thanks for telling me. It’s helpful to know. Sometimes, when we make a promise, it’s like a commitment, and other times, it’s more like a passing thought. Today, it sounds like it was more of a passing thought, and that’s alright. We can find another time for cookies, or maybe you could help me with a different small task for a few minutes instead? What do you think?"

Why this works:

• Validation: It starts by acknowledging what the child said and their current feeling.
• Relatable Analogy: It connects to the text's idea of intent without being preachy. The "why did you say that" is framed as understanding motivation.
• No Guilt: Phrases like "that's okay," and "it's helpful to know" remove blame.
• Micro-Win Focus: Offers a softened alternative ("another time," "different small task") to maintain cooperation and avoid a complete shutdown.
• Empowerment: Gives the child agency in choosing an alternative.

## Habit: "Echo and Acknowledge"

Goal: To practice actively listening and acknowledging your child's statements, distinguishing between casual remarks and commitments.

Micro-Habit: For the next week, at least once a day, when your child says something that sounds like a commitment (even a small one, like "I'll put my shoes away"), pause for just 3 seconds, make eye contact, and then echo back what you heard. For example: "So, you're saying you'll put your shoes away right after snack time? Got it." Or, if it sounds more casual, acknowledge that: "Okay, so you might want to play that game later. I hear you."

Why this works: This habit trains both you and your child to pay attention to the nuance of spoken words. By echoing, you confirm you've heard them, and by labeling it (even internally, or with a subtle tone) as a potential commitment or a casual thought, you start to build a framework for understanding their statements more deeply. It’s a tiny step that builds awareness without adding pressure.

## Takeaway

This week, our journey through the Mishneh Torah reminds us that words have power. For busy parents, this isn't about adding another rule, but about honing our listening skills and understanding the intent behind our children's declarations. Like the ancient legal texts, we can learn to discern the difference between a passing thought and a genuine commitment. By practicing "Echo and Acknowledge" and engaging in "Commitment Creators," we create micro-wins, fostering a home where words are respected, intentions are explored with kindness, and our children learn the profound value of their own spoken commitments. Remember, "good enough" is our goal, and every attempt to connect and understand is a step forward. Chag Sameach and may your week be filled with meaningful conversations!