Mishneh Torah, Kings and Wars 1-3

Insight

Parents, let's talk leadership. We often think of kingship as power, authority, and perhaps a crown atop a distant, untouchable figure. But today's text from Mishneh Torah on the laws of kings reveals a profound and surprisingly relatable blueprint for leadership that resonates deeply with our roles as parents. Think of it: a king is chosen, not just to rule, but to serve. He is commanded to be humble, to involve himself in the welfare of his people, to listen, and critically, to keep a Torah scroll with him at all times, reading it daily. This isn't about wielding absolute power; it's about embodying responsible, value-driven service.

As parents, we are the "kings" and "queens" of our homes, tasked with the sacred responsibility of nurturing the next generation. We don't wear physical crowns, but we carry the weight and privilege of guiding, protecting, and educating our children. This text reminds us that true leadership, in any context, isn't about being perfect or having all the answers. It's about intentionality, about understanding the why behind our actions (remembering God's displeasure when the people requested a king out of complaint, not mitzvah). It's about modeling humility, admitting when we've erred, and showing our children that even the "leader" needs to learn and grow. Just as the king stands before the High Priest and the Sages, acknowledging wisdom beyond his own, we as parents need to be open to learning from our traditions, from other parents, and even from our children.

The king's constant companion, his Torah scroll, symbolizes the non-negotiable presence of values and guidance in his life. For us, this "Torah scroll" is the Jewish wisdom, ethics, and love that we strive to infuse into our family's daily rhythm. It’s not about grand, sweeping gestures or perfect Shabbos dinners every week. It’s about the micro-moments: the gentle word, the shared blessing, the small act of kindness, the honest conversation. It’s about consciously choosing to lead with a heart that is "lowly and empty" of haughtiness, full of grace and mercy for the small and the great within our own four walls. So, bless the chaos, dear parents. Your crown is your commitment to compassionate, consistent, and values-led leadership, one micro-win at a time.

Text Snapshot

"It should accompany him and he should read it all the days of his life... he should not lift up his heart above his brothers." (Deuteronomy 17:19-20, as cited in Mishneh Torah, Kings and Wars 3:1)

Activity

The Idea: "Our Family's Guiding Scroll"

This activity is a concrete way to bring the king's constant companion – his Torah scroll – into your family's modern life, emphasizing shared values and the idea of a guiding light. It's designed to be quick, collaborative, and meaningful.

The Why (Connection to Text)

The Mishneh Torah describes the king's obligation to write a Torah scroll and keep it with him always, consulting it day and night. This wasn't just a physical object; it was a constant reminder of the spiritual and ethical principles that should govern his leadership and life. For us, our families are our kingdom. What are the core values – our "Torah" – that we want to guide our home, our decisions, and our interactions? This activity helps articulate and visualize those guiding principles, making them a tangible presence, just like the king's scroll. It teaches children that even leaders (like parents!) are guided by something greater than themselves, fostering humility and shared purpose.

The How (Step-by-Step, ≤10 minutes)

1. Gather Your Supplies (1 minute prep): Grab a piece of paper (any paper will do, but a longer strip or a light-colored paper bag cut open can feel more "scroll-like"), some markers or crayons, and maybe some stickers or glitter if you have them handy.
2. Brainstorm Our "Torah" (3-4 minutes): Sit down with your child(ren). Explain briefly that ancient kings had a special scroll that reminded them how to be good leaders. Ask: "What are the most important things for our family? What helps us be good to each other and live happily?" Guide them to think of 1-3 core values. Examples might include:
   • Kindness (Chessed)
   • Honesty (Emet)
   • Learning (Talmud Torah)
   • Gratitude (Hoda'ah)
   • Helping others (Tzedakah/Mitzvot)
   • Respect (Kavod)
   • Patience (Savlanut)
   • Being silly and having fun!
   • Pro-tip: For younger kids, use simple words or draw pictures. For older kids, let them write the words themselves.
3. Create Your Scroll (3-4 minutes): Write down your chosen values clearly on the paper. Encourage everyone to decorate the "scroll" with drawings, colors, or stickers. Don't aim for perfection; celebrate the shared effort and creativity. This isn't about fine art; it's about ownership and meaning.
4. Find Its Place & Connect (1 minute): Find a special, visible spot for your family's scroll – perhaps on the fridge, a bulletin board, or even rolled up and tied with a ribbon on a shelf. Tell your children: "This is our family's special scroll. It reminds us of what's most important, just like the king's scroll reminded him how to be a good leader. We can look at it whenever we need a reminder."

Making it Your Own

Remember, this is about the process and the conversation, not the perfect craft project. If you only get one value written down, dayenu – it's enough! If your child wants to draw a picture of a cookie instead of "kindness," embrace it and talk about how kindness connects to sharing cookies. The goal is to start a conversation about shared values and create a visual anchor for your family's unique "Torah." Celebrate the good-enough attempt; that's where the real learning and connection happen.

Script

The Awkward Question

Let's face it, ancient texts can sometimes present concepts that feel challenging or even contradictory to our modern sensibilities, especially when our kids start asking tough questions. One such question, inspired by this text's mention of "not appointing a woman as king" or "only men should be appointed to fill positions of authority," might be:

"Mommy/Tatty, why does the Torah say only men can be kings or leaders? Isn't that unfair to women?"

Your 30-Second Script

"That’s a really important question, and I'm glad you asked it. Our ancient texts were written in a very different time and culture, where society was structured differently. Back then, specific roles were given to men and women based on the understanding of the time. But the values behind leadership – like humility, serving the community, learning, and caring for others – those are eternal and apply to everyone, men and women alike. Today, Jewish communities around the world find many ways for women to be incredible leaders, teachers, and guides, using these same timeless Jewish values. It’s a wonderful example of how we continue to learn and grow with our tradition, bringing ancient wisdom into our modern lives."

Why This Works (and Why It's Okay to Not Know Everything)

This script works because it:

1. Validates the Questioner: "That’s a really important question, and I'm glad you asked it." This immediately signals that their curiosity is good, and you're not dismissing their concern.
2. Contextualizes Historically: "Our ancient texts were written in a very different time and culture..." This acknowledges the historical distance without devaluing the text. It helps kids understand that ancient societies operated on different norms than today.
3. Pivots to Timeless Values: "...But the values behind leadership – like humility, serving the community, learning, and caring for others – those are eternal and apply to everyone, men and women alike." This is the crucial move. It shifts the focus from a specific, culturally bound rule to the universal, enduring principles that underpin it, making the text relevant and inspiring in a modern context.
4. Highlights Modern Jewish Life: "Today, Jewish communities around the world find many ways for women to be incredible leaders..." This shows that Judaism is alive, evolving, and actively grappling with these questions, and that the tradition supports diverse leadership.
5. Encourages Ongoing Learning: It frames Jewish life as an ongoing conversation and journey, not a static set of rules.

Remember, dear parent, you don't need to be a scholar to answer these questions. Your empathy, honesty, and commitment to exploring Jewish values together are far more powerful. It’s okay to say, "That's a really deep question, and people have been discussing it for thousands of years. Let's think about it together, or maybe we can ask Rabbi/Morah about it!" This models humility – the very quality our king is commanded to embody – and shows your child that learning is a lifelong pursuit for everyone.

Habit

The Micro-Habit for the Week: "The Gentle Word"

This week, let's take a cue from the king, who, despite his immense power, was commanded to "speak gently" to his people (I Chronicles 28:2, I Kings 12:7). Your micro-habit is to practice "The Gentle Word" once a day.

How to do it: Choose one interaction each day – perhaps when your child is resisting getting dressed, or when you need to offer a correction, or even just during a routine request. Before you speak, take a tiny breath, and consciously choose to deliver your message with a tone that is softer, calmer, and more empathetic than your immediate impulse might be. It's not about being permissive; it's about intentional delivery. Notice the difference in your own feelings and, perhaps, in your child's response.

This habit is a micro-win because it requires only a moment of mindfulness and a slight adjustment in your tone. You're not aiming for perfection in every interaction, just one conscious choice a day. Just like the king bearing the nation's burdens "as a nurse carries an infant," you're practicing compassionate leadership in your home. Bless the chaos, parent; one gentle word can shift the energy and reinforce the loving, respectful atmosphere you’re building.

Takeaway

Parenting is your royal calling, a profound form of leadership rooted in service, humility, and the timeless wisdom of our tradition. Embrace your "crown" by leading with intention, seeking guidance from your inner "Torah scroll" of values, and choosing gentle words. Remember, every small, conscious step you take is a micro-win, building a kingdom of love, learning, and connection, one precious moment at a time.