Mishneh Torah, Repentance 10

Shalom, fellow travelers on this wild, wonderful parenting adventure! Let's grab a quick moment of sanity and wisdom from our tradition. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, and sometimes just making it to bedtime feels like a gold medal. So, let’s bless the chaos, aim for micro-wins, and remember that "good enough" is often more than enough.

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Insight

From Cookies to Connection: The Mitzvah Journey

Today, we're diving into a profound concept from the Rambam (Maimonides) that speaks directly to the heart of how we raise our children in Jewish life: the journey from "doing it for the reward" to "doing it because it's true." It's a truth bomb that can free us from so much parental guilt.

The Rambam, in his Mishneh Torah, tells us that it's not the ideal way to serve God if our primary motivation is to receive blessings or avoid curses, or to gain entry into the World to Come. He calls this serving "out of fear," and says it's not the level of the prophets or the wise. He then drops the part that should make every parent breathe a sigh of relief: "The only ones who serve God in this manner are common people, women, and minors. They are trained to serve God out of fear until their knowledge increases and they serve out of love."

Think about that for a moment. Our tradition explicitly acknowledges that for children – and let's be honest, for many adults too – external motivators like rewards, praise, or even the avoidance of negative consequences are not just acceptable, but a necessary stage in their spiritual development. How often do we worry that our child only helps clean up "for the sticker," or only says a blessing "because I told them to"? The Rambam is giving us permission to bless that initial motivation! It's not a failure; it's a stepping stone.

The ultimate goal, he explains, is to serve God out of love – "for no ulterior motive: not because of fear that evil will occur, nor in order to acquire benefit. Rather, he does what is true because it is true, and ultimately, good will come because of it." This is the level of Abraham, a love so profound it's likened to being "lovesick," where one's thoughts are constantly bound up with their beloved. This deep, intrinsic motivation is where we want our children to eventually land, where Jewish life isn't a chore or a transaction, but an authentic expression of who they are and their connection to something greater.

But here's the kicker, and it’s truly revolutionary for parents: the Rambam doesn't say to force this high level from the start. On the contrary, he states, "Nevertheless, our Sages declared: A person should always occupy himself with the Torah even when it is not for God's sake for out of [service which is not intended] for God's sake will come service that is intended for God's sake." This is the "fake it 'til you make it" of Jewish spirituality. Consistency, exposure, and practice – even if initially driven by external factors – lay the groundwork. Over time, as knowledge grows and understanding deepens, the internal shift happens.

So, when we teach our little ones to say "Modeh Ani" for a special breakfast, or to give tzedakah because it makes them feel good, or to help prepare for Shabbat because they know they'll get extra challah, we are not undermining their spiritual growth. We are participating in a time-honored, divinely sanctioned educational process. Our job isn't to demand immediate, pure love, but to lovingly guide them through the stages, patiently offering opportunities for their "knowledge to increase and their wisdom to grow," gradually revealing the "secret" of serving out of love. This means focusing on creating positive experiences, fostering curiosity, and building understanding, knowing that the deepest connections unfold over a lifetime. No guilt, only grace and the gentle nudge forward.

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Text Snapshot

"A person should not say: 'I will fulfill the mitzvot of the Torah and occupy myself in its wisdom in order to receive all the blessings which are contained within it or in order to merit the life of the world to come.'... It is not fitting to serve God in this manner. A person whose service is motivated by these factors is considered one who serves out of fear... The only ones who serve God in this manner are common people, women, and minors. They are trained to serve God out of fear until their knowledge increases and they serve out of love."

"One who serves [God] out of love occupies himself in the Torah and the mitzvot and walks in the paths of wisdom for no ulterior motive: not because of fear that evil will occur, nor in order to acquire benefit. Rather, he does what is true because it is true, and ultimately, good will come because of it."

"Nevertheless, our Sages declared: A person should always occupy himself with the Torah even when it is not for God's sake for out of [service which is not intended] for God's sake will come service that is intended for God's sake."

"Therefore, when one teaches children, women, and most of the common people, one should teach them to serve out of fear and in order to receive a reward. As their knowledge grows and their wisdom increases, this secret should be revealed to them [slowly,] bit by bit... One can only love God [as an outgrowth] of the knowledge with which he knows Him. The nature of one's love depends on the nature of one's knowledge!"

— Mishneh Torah, Repentance 10:1-7

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Activity

The "Why Do We?" Mitzvah Moment

This activity is designed to gently shift your child's focus from the "what" of a mitzvah to the "why" and "how it feels," fostering that deeper understanding the Rambam speaks of. It's quick, easy, and can be integrated into your existing routine.

Time: 5-10 minutes (or less, honestly – even a minute counts!)

What you'll need: Yourself, your child(ren), and a mitzvah you're already doing or about to do.

The Steps:

1. Choose Your Mitzvah: Pick one simple, regular mitzvah that's part of your family's routine. This could be anything: lighting Shabbat candles, saying the Shema before bed, putting a coin in the tzedakah box, washing hands before bread, making a blessing over food, or even a simple act of kindness like helping a sibling. The key is to choose something that's already happening or about to happen.

2. Pause and Ponder (Parent First): Before you engage your child, take a quick moment (literally 10 seconds) to think about your "why" for this mitzvah. What does it mean to you? What feeling does it evoke? This isn't for your child, but to ground yourself in the intention.

3. Engage with a Gentle Question: Just before, during, or right after the mitzvah, ask an open-ended question. The goal isn't a perfect theological answer, but to spark curiosity and reflection. Avoid "what did you learn?" or "do you know why?" which can feel like a test. Instead, try:

   • "What do you think is special about lighting these candles?" (for Shabbat)
   • "How does it make you feel when we put money in the tzedakah box?" (for charity)
   • "Why do you think God gave us this blessing to say before we eat this yummy challah?" (for Hamotzi)
   • "What do you think is important about saying 'thank you' to God before bed?" (for Shema/Modeh Ani)
   • "What does it mean to you when we [do this mitzvah]?"

4. Listen and Affirm: Whatever your child says, affirm their response. "That's an interesting thought!" "I never thought of it that way!" There are no wrong answers here. Even if they say, "Because you make me!" or "Because it means we get dessert after!" (which taps into the "reward" stage), acknowledge it. "That's true, sometimes it does mean dessert! And what else?" Gently guide them if they're open, but don't push.

5. Share Your "Why" (Briefly): If they're receptive, you can briefly share your own "why" or a simple, age-appropriate insight. "For me, lighting the candles makes our home feel peaceful and reminds me of all the Jewish grandmas who did this before us." Or, "I think giving tzedakah helps us remember that we can make a difference in someone else's day." Keep it short and personal.

Why it works: This activity plants seeds. It models that Jewish practices aren't just rules, but actions imbued with meaning, connection, and feeling. It invites children into the "secret" of understanding that eventually leads to love, respecting their current developmental stage while gently nudging them towards deeper engagement. It's a micro-win for fostering intrinsic motivation, one "why" at a time.

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Script

The "Why Do I Have To?" Pivot

It's bound to happen. Your child, perhaps tired or feeling rebellious, will hit you with the classic: "Why do I have to do [mitzvah X]? What do I even get out of it?" This question, as the Rambam teaches, is perfectly natural for a child. Here's a 30-second script to address it kindly, realistically, and with an eye towards their long-term spiritual growth.

Your child: "Ugh, why do I have to say Modeh Ani every morning? What do I even get out of it?"

You (with a warm, understanding tone): "That's a really good question, sweetie! You know, sometimes when we're little, we do things because Mom/Dad asks, or because we know it makes good things happen, like starting our day with a blessing. And that's totally okay! It's like how we learn to brush our teeth – sometimes we just do it because we know it's good for us, even if we don't always feel like it."

You (gently shifting to meaning): "But the real magic of Modeh Ani, and all our mitzvot, is finding the special feeling and meaning they bring to our lives and to our family. It's like a secret code of love from God, and the more we do it and think about it, the more we understand how amazing it is to be part of something so ancient and special. It’s not just about what you get, but what you feel and what you give back to the world. What do you think is a special part about saying thank you to God?"

Why this works:

1. Validates their stage: You acknowledge that "doing it for something" is a natural, acceptable starting point. No shame, no guilt.
2. Normalizes the feeling: "Sometimes we just do it because it's good for us" is a universal truth, even for adults.
3. Introduces deeper meaning: You gently pivot from external reward/obligation to internal feeling, connection, and purpose.
4. Empowers them to explore: By asking "What do you think is special?", you invite them into the discovery process, fostering curiosity rather than demanding compliance.
5. Keeps it brief: It's a quick interaction, respectful of your child's attention span and your busy schedule.

Remember, this isn't a one-and-done conversation. It's a theme you'll revisit, gently and consistently, over many years. Each time is a micro-win, slowly revealing the "secret" of serving out of love.

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Habit

The "Moment of Meaning" (M.O.M.)

This week, let's try a simple, powerful micro-habit: The "Moment of Meaning" (M.O.M.).

The Habit: Choose one recurring Jewish practice or mitzvah in your day or week. For just one minute, either right before or right after you do it, pause and ask yourself (or your child, if appropriate and they're receptive) one simple question about its meaning or feeling.

Examples:

• Before lighting Shabbat candles: Take a deep breath. "What does this light bring into our home tonight?"
• After saying the Shema with your child: As they drift off, think: "What does it mean to connect with God's oneness right now?"
• While putting tzedakah in the box: "Who might this help today? What does it feel like to share?"
• Before eating a meal: "What does this blessing remind me about where our food comes from?"

Why it's a micro-win: This isn't about lengthy lectures or deep philosophical dives. It's about planting tiny seeds of mindfulness and intention. By consistently pausing for even a minute to reflect on the why and the feeling behind a mitzvah, you're slowly shifting from automatic action to conscious connection. As the Rambam reminds us, "One can only love God [as an outgrowth] of the knowledge with which he knows Him." This M.O.M. is a small, consistent step towards that deeper knowledge and, ultimately, a deeper love. Bless your good-enough try!

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Takeaway

My dear parents, remember this: the journey of Jewish life, for us and for our children, is a beautiful progression. Our tradition expects children to start with external motivations – the rewards, the praise, the routine. There is no guilt in that, only the wisdom of a path well-worn. Your job is not to demand immediate, pure love, but to lovingly guide, to consistently expose, and to patiently invite curiosity. Every "good-enough" try, every question, every small moment of meaning you create, is a step closer to that profound love and understanding the Rambam describes. Keep going, bless the chaos, and celebrate every single micro-win. You're doing great.