Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 6

Shalom, busy parents! Let’s dive into some wisdom that’s as ancient as it is relevant for our modern, beautiful, wonderfully chaotic lives. Today’s text from the Rambam (Mishneh Torah) offers profound insights into how our relationships and environment shape us, and how we, in turn, can shape our children and our world. No pressure, just perspective!

Insight

The Rambam, with his characteristic clarity, lays out a foundational truth about human nature: we are profoundly influenced by those around us and the environments we inhabit. "It is natural for a man's character and actions to be influenced by his friends and associates and for him to follow the local norms of behavior." (Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 6:1). This isn't just about our behavior; it's a powerful lens through which to view our children's development. From the moment they're born, we, as parents, are their primary environment and their first "associates." What we model, the atmosphere we cultivate at home, and the choices we make about who they spend their time with (and who we spend our time with) are not minor details—they are foundational building blocks of their character. The Rambam isn't asking us to create a perfect bubble, but to be mindful, to be intentional. He advises us to "associate with the righteous and be constantly in the company of the wise, so as to learn from their deeds," and conversely, to "keep away from the wicked who walk in darkness." This might sound extreme, but the core message for us as parents is about prioritizing positive influences. Who are the "wise" and "righteous" people we can bring into our children's lives, even if it's just through stories, community involvement, or our own relationships? And how do we gently steer them away from influences that might diminish their light? Sometimes, it means making hard choices, moving (literally or figuratively) to a "place where the people are righteous," or if that's not possible, creating a sanctuary within our own homes, even "in seclusion" from societal norms that clash with our values. It's about recognizing that "cleaving unto the wise and their disciples" (Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 6:2) isn't just a spiritual practice; it’s a practical strategy for personal and familial growth, ultimately connecting us to the Divine.

Beyond choosing our company, the Rambam expands on the profound mitzvah of "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Leviticus 19:18, referenced in Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 6:3). This isn't just a warm fuzzy feeling; it's a call to action. It means "one should speak the praises of [others] and show concern for their money just as he is concerned with his own money and seeks his own honor." For parents, this translates into how we speak about others in front of our children, how we model generosity, fairness, and respect. It means teaching our kids to celebrate others' successes, to share, and to uphold the dignity of every person. The text then delves into the delicate art of "admonishment" or rebuke (Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 6:6-9). When someone wrongs us or falls short, the Torah commands us not to "hate your brother in your heart," but to "make the matter known and ask him: 'Why did you do this to me?'" This is a masterclass in respectful communication. We are taught to rebuke "privately," "patiently and gently," and to do so for the other person's "welfare." This is an invaluable lesson for parenting: how do we address our children's missteps or conflicts with others in a way that guides them without shaming them? It’s about building them up, not tearing them down, preserving their dignity even as we correct their path. We learn that embarrassing someone, especially publicly, is a "great sin," underscoring the immense value our tradition places on human dignity. Finally, the Rambam emphasizes the extraordinary care we must show for "orphans and widows" (Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 6:10-12), speaking to them "gently" and treating them "with honor." This isn't just about charity; it's about active empathy for the vulnerable, recognizing their heightened sensitivity and ensuring we never add to their pain. This principle extends to how we teach our children to treat anyone who might be feeling alone, different, or struggling. In essence, the Rambam calls us to cultivate a home, a family, and a personal character that actively seeks out goodness, models respect, communicates with care, and embraces radical empathy for all. It's a tall order, but remember, every intentional, good-enough effort is a micro-win in the grand scheme of raising kind, wise, and connected human beings. Bless this beautiful, messy work!

Text Snapshot

"It is natural for a man's character and actions to be influenced by his friends and associates... Therefore, he should associate with the righteous and be constantly in the company of the wise... It is a positive commandment to cleave unto the wise and their disciples... Each man is commanded to love each and every one of Israel as himself." — Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 6:1-3

Activity

Who Are Our Everyday Heroes? (5-7 minutes)

This activity helps children connect with the idea of "cleaving to the wise" and "loving your neighbor" by identifying positive role models and appreciating the good deeds of others in their daily lives.

Goal: To help children recognize and appreciate people who embody positive traits ("wise," "righteous," "kind") in their immediate world, fostering a sense of gratitude and encouraging them to emulate these qualities.

Materials:

• Paper or a small whiteboard
• Markers or crayons

Instructions:

1. Introduce the Idea (1 minute): Gather your child(ren) and say, "You know, we learn from the Rambam that we become like the people we spend time with and look up to. It’s important to notice the amazing, kind, and smart people around us, our 'everyday heroes'!"
2. Brainstorm (3-4 minutes): Ask your child(ren):
   • "Who are some people you know who are really kind?" (e.g., a grandparent, a teacher, a neighbor who always smiles, a friend who shares).
   • "Who are some people who help others in our community?" (e.g., a doctor, a firefighter, a grocery store worker, a garbage collector, the librarian).
   • "Who teaches you new things or helps you understand the world better?" (e.g., a parent, a rabbi/teacher, a coach).
   • As they name people, jot down their names (or roles) on the paper/whiteboard.
3. Discuss "Why?" (1-2 minutes): For each person or role, ask, "What makes them an everyday hero? What good things do they do?"
   • Example: "Bubbe always listens to me." (Shows active listening, empathy).
   • Example: "Our mail carrier brings our letters even when it's raining." (Shows dedication, reliability).
   • Example: "My teacher helps me learn to read." (Shows wisdom, care).
4. Connect to Jewish Values (1 minute): Explain, "When we notice these good people and their actions, we're like the Rambam says—we're 'cleaving to the wise'! We learn from them how to be good and kind. And when we appreciate them, we're showing 'love for our neighbor.' Even a small thank you or a kind thought can make a big difference."
5. Optional Extension (if time/interest allows): Suggest drawing a picture of one of their everyday heroes, or brainstorm one small way you could show appreciation to one of these people this week (e.g., "Let's make a thank you card for the mail carrier!").

Parenting Coach Note: Don't worry about perfection! The goal is to spark conversation and awareness. If your child names a fictional character or someone who isn't "wise" in the traditional sense, gently guide them back to real people and focus on the qualities that character embodies that might be positive. Celebrate their participation and the goodness they see in the world.

Script

Awkward Question: "Mommy/Tatty, why do I have to be nice to [kid who isn't nice/doesn't share/is mean to others]?"

Your 30-second, kind, realistic response:

"That's a really good question, sweetie, and it's tough when someone isn't kind to us. The Torah teaches us to 'love our neighbor as ourselves' – and that means every person, even when it's hard. It doesn't mean we have to be best friends with everyone, or let people hurt us. It means we try not to hold hate in our hearts, and we treat everyone with basic respect because they're a neshama (a soul) from God. So, we can be kind in how we respond, set clear boundaries if we need to stay safe, and choose to spend our closest time with people who lift us up. It's about how we act, no matter what."

Why this works:

• Validates feelings: Acknowledges that it's "tough" and a "good question," immediately building empathy.
• Directly references Jewish value: Connects to "love your neighbor as ourselves" and the concept of a "neshama," grounding the answer in tradition.
• Clarifies nuance: Distinguishes between universal respect/kindness and intimate friendship. It provides permission not to be best friends with everyone, which is crucial for a child's social navigation.
• Empowers: Focuses on what the child can control ("how we act") and the importance of self-preservation ("set clear boundaries if we need to stay safe").
• Practical advice: Suggests choosing close friends who "lift us up," aligning with the Rambam's advice to associate with the wise.
• Time-boxed: It's concise and offers a clear, actionable mindset without a lengthy lecture.

Habit

The Daily Praise Practice (1-2 minutes daily)

This micro-habit draws directly from the Rambam's instruction to "speak the praises of [others]" (Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 6:3).

How to do it: Once a day, take a moment (perhaps during dinner, bedtime, or carpool) to verbally express a specific praise or appreciation for someone in your family or community. Encourage your child(ren) to do the same.

Examples:

• "I really appreciated how you shared your toys with your sister today, [child's name]. That was so kind."
• "Tatty/Mommy, I noticed you worked really hard on that project today, and you never gave up. That's inspiring!"
• "I'm so grateful for our neighbor, Mrs. Cohen, who always waters our plants when we're away. She's so thoughtful."
• "I saw the cashier at the grocery store was so patient with that customer. It was really nice to witness."

Why it works:

• Low Barrier: Takes less than two minutes and requires no special setup.
• Builds Awareness: Trains both you and your child to actively look for good in others, shifting focus from negativity.
• Fosters Positivity: Creates a more positive home environment, where praise and appreciation are normal.
• Models Behavior: You are directly modeling the Rambam's teaching about speaking praise, which children will internalize over time.
• Strengthens Relationships: Expressing genuine appreciation deepens family bonds and helps children understand the impact of their actions on others.

Remember, "good-enough" is perfect. If you miss a day, just pick it up tomorrow. The consistent effort to notice and verbalize goodness is the win here.

Takeaway

Our relationships and environment are mirrors and molds. By intentionally seeking out the wise, modeling radical empathy, and communicating with dignity, we cultivate a home that reflects our deepest Jewish values, one micro-win at a time.