Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 6

Dearest parents, blessings on your chaotic, beautiful, and utterly vital work! You’re navigating a world that constantly pulls at your attention, but you're here, seeking wisdom for the journey. Kol Hakavod! Today, we're diving into some profound insights from the Rambam (Maimonides), a giant of Jewish thought, on how our relationships shape us, how we relate to others, and how we can truly build a mishpacha (family) and community rooted in Torah values. It's less about perfection and more about planting seeds, one micro-win at a time.

Insight

Parenting in today's world feels like a constant negotiation between a million competing influences. From the playground to TikTok, from school friends to screen time, our children are sponges, absorbing everything around them. This isn't just a modern phenomenon; it's a fundamental truth of human nature, articulated by the Rambam with timeless clarity. He opens this powerful chapter in Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 6, by stating: "It is natural for a man's character and actions to be influenced by his friends and associates and for him to follow the local norms of behavior." This isn't a suggestion; it's a profound observation about our very briyah – our creation, our inherent habit, as Steinsaltz notes. We are social beings, deeply shaped by our environment.

The Rambam doesn't stop at observation; he offers a profound call to action, framing it as a mitzvah. If influence is inevitable, then our responsibility is to be intentional about who influences us and our children. "Therefore," he instructs, "he should associate with the righteous and be constantly in the company of the wise, so as to learn from their deeds." Conversely, we must "keep away from the wicked who walk in darkness." This isn't about judgment or elitism; it's about spiritual self-preservation and growth. Steinsaltz reinforces this: "He who joins with the wise will become wise, while the friend of fools will be harmed by their company." The impact is direct and undeniable.

For us as parents, this insight is a game-changer. Our primary role is to be our children’s first "wise ones," modeling the middot (character traits) we wish them to embody. But beyond us, who is in their orbit? Who are the friends, teachers, mentors, and even characters from stories or screens that they are "cleaving to"? This isn't about curating a perfect, sterile environment – impossible, and frankly, unhealthy for developing resilience. It's about conscious choices: inviting righteous influences into our home, fostering friendships with families who share our values, and engaging our children in communities that uplift. It’s about teaching them to discern, to recognize what makes someone "wise" – kindness, integrity, a love for learning, a commitment to mitzvot – and to seek out those connections. And yes, sometimes, like the Rambam advises, if the "norms of behavior are evil," we might need to actively seek out a more righteous environment for our family, or even, in extreme cases, learn to "sit alone in seclusion" – teaching our children the strength to stand apart when necessary, rather than compromise their values.

But the Rambam’s wisdom extends beyond selecting our inner circle. It radiates outward to encompass how we treat everyone. He moves seamlessly from "cleaving to the wise" to the profound commandment: "Each man is commanded to love each and every one of Israel as himself." This isn't a fluffy sentiment; it's a demanding spiritual discipline. It means we should "speak the praises of [others] and show concern for their money just as he is concerned with his own money and seeks his own honor." In an age saturated with comparison and critique, teaching our children to actively praise others, to genuinely care for their well-being and reputation, is a radical act. It's about cultivating a lashon hatov (good speech) culture in our homes, where we focus on the good in others, rather than engaging in lashon hara (negative speech) or, even worse, gaining "honor through the degradation of a colleague," which the Rambam warns "does not have a share in the world to come." This boundless love also extends explicitly to converts, whom we are commanded to love "just as He has commanded us concerning loving Himself." This teaches our children radical inclusivity and a profound appreciation for those who choose to join our sacred path.

What happens, though, when someone does wrong us, or when we see someone on an "improper path"? The Rambam directly addresses the human inclination to harbor resentment. "Whoever hates a [fellow] Jew in his heart transgresses a Torah prohibition." To prevent this insidious internal hatred, he gives us the positive commandment of tochacha – admonishment. "When one person wrongs another, the latter should not remain silent and despise him... Rather, he is commanded to make the matter known and ask him: 'Why did you do this to me?'... as [Leviticus 19:17] states: 'You shall surely admonish your colleague.'" This is a critical lesson for our children: when hurt, speak up, but do so wisely. The Rambam details how: "He should rebuke him privately. He should speak to him patiently and gently... informing him that he is only making these statements for his colleague's own welfare... to allow him to merit the life of the world to come." The goal is not to shame or punish, but to foster growth and repair the relationship. This applies equally to how we correct our children – privately, gently, focused on their long-term growth, not immediate embarrassment. And for our children, it's a model for navigating conflict with peers and siblings: articulate your hurt, but do so with kindness, seeking understanding and resolution, not retribution.

Finally, the Rambam brings us to a mitzvah of profound compassion: "A person is obligated to show great care for orphans and widows because their spirits are very low and their feelings are depressed." This isn't just about financial support; it's about extreme emotional sensitivity. "One should only speak to them gently and treat them only with honor. One should not cause pain to their persons with [overbearing] work or aggravate their feelings with harsh words." The Rambam highlights that even "a king's widow and his orphans" need this care, emphasizing that vulnerability isn't solely about economic status; it's about the emotional toll of loss. The Nachal Eitan commentary, while delving into halachic technicalities, underscores the gravity of this mitzvah, pointing to the severe divine retribution for its violation. For us and our children, this expands beyond literal orphans and widows to anyone in our community who is vulnerable, experiencing loss, feeling excluded, or struggling. How do we teach our children to be attuned to the quiet suffering of others? To speak gently, to offer kindness, to protect the dignity of those who are "low in spirit"? Even teachers, when disciplining, must treat them with "gentility, great mercy, and honor." This is a call to radical empathy, to be the hands and heart of God in the world, ensuring no one feels alone or unnoticed in their pain.

This entire chapter is a masterclass in building a life of holiness through human connection. It teaches us that our spiritual journey is inextricably linked to our relationships: with ourselves, with the "wise" we choose to learn from, with every member of our community, and especially with the most vulnerable among us. It’s a huge task, but remember, the Rambam gives us a roadmap, and Hashem blesses the effort. We aim for micro-wins, for "good-enough" tries, and trust that with each conscious choice, we are shaping ourselves and our children into vessels of wisdom, love, and compassion.

Text Snapshot

"It is natural for a man's character and actions to be influenced by his friends and associates... Therefore, he should associate with the righteous and be constantly in the company of the wise, so as to learn from their deeds... Each man is commanded to love each and every one of Israel as himself... Therefore, one should speak the praises of [others] and show concern for their money just as he is concerned with his own money and seeks his own honor." (Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 6:1, 6:3)

Activity

The "Good Company & Good Deeds" Map

This activity is designed to help your child visually and practically engage with the Rambam’s ideas about seeking positive influences and being a positive influence. It's flexible, quick, and requires minimal setup – perfect for a busy evening or a quiet Shabbat afternoon.

Goal: To help children identify people who embody positive qualities ("wise/righteous") and brainstorm small, concrete ways they can be a positive influence ("love your neighbor").

Materials:

• A large piece of paper (or a whiteboard/chalkboard)
• Crayons, markers, or colored pencils
• Optional: Stickers, glitter, or old magazines/newspapers for cutting out pictures.

Time: 5-10 minutes (can be stretched or shortened as needed)

Instructions:

1. Warm-Up: The "Influence Bubble" (1-2 minutes)

   • Gather your child(ren) and the materials. Start by drawing a big circle in the middle of the paper. This is their circle.
   • Parent: "Hey, you know how sometimes when you're around certain friends, you feel really happy and smart, or maybe you learn new games? And other times, being around different people can make you feel a bit grumpy or less good about yourself? The Rambam, a super smart Jewish teacher, taught us that who we spend time with really changes who we become! It's like we soak up what's around us."
   • Parent: "So, today, let's think about who makes us feel good, who teaches us good things, or who just acts in a really kind way. We're going to call these our 'Good Company' people, like the Rambam's 'wise' and 'righteous' friends."

2. "My Good Company" Map (3-4 minutes)

   • Parent: "Let's draw or write down some names of people who belong in your 'Good Company' circle. These could be family members, friends, teachers, or even characters from books or movies who inspire you with their kindness or bravery!"
   • Parent models first: "For me, my 'Good Company' includes Saba and Safta because they always have patient advice. And my friend, Sarah, because she's so good at listening." Draw or write them around the central circle.
   • Child's turn: Encourage your child to name or draw their "Good Company" people. Ask why they chose each person. (e.g., "Why is [friend's name] in your circle?" "What's something nice [teacher] does?").
   • Connect to Text: "The Rambam says we should 'cleave to the wise' – that means we should choose to be around people like these, who help us grow and be our best selves!"

3. "Spreading the Good Deeds" Path (2-3 minutes)

   • Parent: "Now, let's think about how we can be a 'Good Company' person for someone else! The Torah tells us to 'love your neighbor as yourself' and to 'speak the praises of others.' That means we try to make others feel good, just like we like to feel good."
   • Parent: "What's one small thing you could do or say this week to make someone else feel great? It could be for someone in your 'Good Company' circle, or someone else entirely!"
   • Brainstorm simple actions: "Give a compliment," "Help with a chore," "Share a toy," "Listen carefully," "Include someone new in a game."
   • Child chooses one: "Who will you do this for? And what will you do?" Draw a little path leading from their central circle to a new small circle representing the person they'll do a good deed for, and draw or write the deed.
   • Connect to Text: "Every time we do a kind deed or say something nice, we're living the mitzvah of 'love your neighbor' and making the world a kinder place. It's like we're adding more 'wise' and 'righteous' energy!"

4. Wrap-up (1 minute)

   • Parent: "Look at our amazing 'Good Company & Good Deeds' Map! Remember, choosing to be with people who lift us up, and then choosing to lift others up, makes a huge difference. You're building a stronger, happier you, and a stronger, happier world, one kind connection at a time!"
   • Hang the map somewhere visible as a reminder.

Good-Enough Parenting Note: The goal here is discussion and conscious thought, not artistic masterpiece or perfect recall of the Rambam. If your child draws squiggles and names their teddy bear, that's a win! If you only get through one part, that's still a win. The intention and the conversation are the gold. Bless the chaos, celebrate the attempt!

Script

When Hurtful Words Come Home: A 30-Second Torah Response

Scenario: Your child comes home upset, tearful, or angry because a friend (or even a family member) said something mean, excluded them, or criticized them harshly. Their immediate reaction might be, "They're so mean! I hate them!" or "Why do they always pick on me?"

Awkward Question from your child: "Mom/Dad, [Friend's Name] told me I'm bad at drawing and laughed at my picture. Why are they so horrible? I never want to play with them again! I hate them!"

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Your 30-Second Script (for the parent to use):

(0-5 seconds: Empathize First) "Oh, sweetie, that sounds incredibly hurtful and frustrating. It's totally okay to feel sad or angry when someone says something like that to you." (This validates their feelings and creates a safe space, crucial for connection before correction.)

(5-10 seconds: Separate Action from Person - A Torah Lens) "Sometimes, people say or do things that aren't kind or thoughtful. The Rambam teaches us that even if someone does something unkind, it doesn't necessarily mean they are 'bad people' forever; but their words were definitely unkind in that moment." (This prevents demonizing the other child and aligns with the Rambam's instruction not to harbor hate in one's heart, focusing on the action rather than the person as inherently evil.)

(10-20 seconds: Empower with Gentle Admonishment - The "How") "Our Jewish tradition also teaches us that instead of keeping that hurt inside and letting it turn into 'hate in our heart,' we can gently tell the person how we feel. Not to shame them, but to help them understand how their actions affect others. Maybe you could say, 'When you said [X about my drawing], it made me feel [Y, sad/hurt].'" (This introduces the mitzvah of tochacha (admonishment) – speaking up privately and gently, for the other's welfare, and for the sake of resolving the issue, preventing the 'sin of silence' that leads to hatred.)

(20-25 seconds: Focus on Their Agency) "What do you think would be a kind and strong way to respond? Or what would you like to happen now with [Friend's Name]?" (This shifts the focus to the child's power and choice, empowering them rather than solving it for them, and helps them practice self-advocacy within Jewish ethical guidelines.)

(25-30 seconds: Offer Partnership) "I'm here to help you practice what to say, or if you just want to talk more about it. We'll figure it out together, because that's what families do." (Reassures them of your support, reinforcing the idea of a loving, connected community.)

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Behind the Script: Why this works (for the parent's understanding):

This script directly taps into several core Rambam principles from Human Dispositions 6:

• "Do not hate your brother in your heart" (6:5): By immediately acknowledging the child's hurt but gently steering away from labeling the other child as "horrible" or endorsing hatred, you're helping your child process their emotions in a Torah-aligned way. The goal is to prevent internal bitterness.
• "You shall surely admonish your colleague" (6:6): The script encourages speaking up, which is the Rambam's prescribed way to prevent hatred from festering. It teaches that healthy relationships involve honest, yet gentle, communication when wronged.
• "He should rebuke him privately. He should speak to him patiently and gently, informing him that he is only making these statements for his colleague's own welfare" (6:7): You're modeling this for your child, and teaching them the how. The emphasis is on understanding and growth, not public shaming or retribution. It's about empowering them to communicate their boundaries and feelings respectfully.
• "A person should not be cruel when forgiving" (6:6): While not explicitly about forgiveness in the moment, the script lays the groundwork by encouraging resolution and understanding, making future forgiveness possible rather than allowing resentment to harden.

This isn't about perfectly resolving every playground drama. It's about equipping your child with the Jewish framework for healthy emotional processing and respectful conflict resolution. It's a micro-win in teaching them to navigate complex social dynamics with integrity and compassion, just as the Rambam instructs. Bless your efforts in these challenging, yet deeply rewarding, conversations.

Habit

The Daily "Kindness & Connection Check-in"

This micro-habit is designed to effortlessly weave the Rambam’s teachings on positive influence, love for others, and gentle communication into your family’s daily rhythm. It’s quick, conversational, and celebrates the "good-enough" effort.

Description:

1. Morning/Evening Connection (2-3 minutes): Once a day, either at breakfast, during a car ride, or at bedtime, initiate a quick "Kindness & Connection Check-in." Ask your child (and share your own answer first to model):

   • "Who is someone you felt connected to today, and why?" (Connects to "cleaving to the wise" and "love your neighbor" by highlighting positive relationships and shared experiences.)
   • Alternatively, or additionally: "What's one kind thing you saw someone do today, or one kind thing you did for someone?" (This focuses on observing and performing good deeds, embodying "speaking the praises of others" and "loving your neighbor as yourself.") This shifts the family's focus to positive interactions and the value of connection.

2. When Challenged, Compassion First (30 seconds): When your child expresses frustration, anger, or judgment about someone else's behavior (e.g., "That kid was so mean on the bus," "My sister never shares!"), pause before reacting or problem-solving. Take a deep breath yourself. Then, gently ask:

   • "I hear you're upset. What do you think might be going on for them right now?" (This encourages empathy and helps your child consider the "other's" perspective, aligning with the deep care for "orphans and widows" – extending compassion to anyone who might be struggling, even if their actions are difficult. It's a foundational step before "admonishment," helping prevent immediate judgment or hatred.)

Why it works for busy parents:

• Minimal Time Commitment: These are short, open-ended questions that can fit into existing routines without adding extra tasks.
• No Special Prep: No materials needed, just your presence and a willingness to listen.
• Organic Integration: It naturally brings Torah values into everyday conversations, making them relevant and accessible.

Blessing the "Good Enough": Did you miss a day (or three)? No guilt, my friend! Just try again tomorrow. The power of a micro-habit isn't in perfect execution every single time, but in the consistent intention to plant these seeds of wisdom, love, and compassion. Each attempt, no matter how small, is a win. You're doing holy work.

Takeaway

Our Jewish tradition, through the timeless wisdom of the Rambam, calls us to be profoundly intentional about our relationships. It's a powerful framework for raising our children to be not just good people, but mentschen rooted in holiness. By consciously choosing wise influences, extending boundless love and praise, speaking truth with compassion, and protecting the dignity of every soul, especially the vulnerable, we are actively building a stronger, kinder, more connected world. Bless the journey, embrace the micro-wins, and keep growing, together.