Mishneh Torah, Rebels 2

Baruch Dayan Ha'Emet. As we navigate the beautiful, messy journey of Jewish parenting, we often find ourselves wrestling with concepts that feel ancient yet incredibly relevant to our modern lives. Today, we're diving into a passage from the Mishneh Torah that speaks to the very nature of authority, change, and how traditions evolve. It’s a text that, at first glance, might seem abstract, dealing with courts and decrees. But I promise you, beneath the surface lies a profound wisdom about how we, as parents, guide our children, how we adapt to their changing needs, and how we connect with our heritage in a way that’s both respectful and dynamic. Let's explore this together, with kindness and a focus on the small, achievable victories that make up our parenting lives.

Insight

The Evolving Landscape of Jewish Law and Parenting Wisdom

The passage from Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Melachim U'Milchamot (Rebels 2), delves into the complex dynamics of how Jewish legal rulings and communal decrees are established, maintained, and, crucially, can be changed. At its core, the text discusses the authority of courts (Batei Din) to issue decrees and customs. It outlines the stringent conditions under which a later court can overturn the rulings of an earlier one: the later court must surpass the former in both wisdom and number of adherents. This principle, rooted in the idea that the collective wisdom and acceptance of the community are paramount, highlights a deep respect for tradition while acknowledging the necessity of adaptation. It’s a system designed to ensure stability and continuity, preventing capricious changes to the fabric of Jewish life. However, the text also introduces a critical distinction: decrees made as safeguards ("siyagim") to protect Torah law carry a different weight than those derived purely through exegesis or perceived necessity. Safeguards, even if later found to be less necessary, are more difficult to revoke. Conversely, temporary measures to preserve Jewish faith or prevent widespread transgression can even involve temporarily suspending a positive commandment or violating a negative one, akin to a surgeon amputating a limb to save a life. This powerful analogy underscores that the ultimate goal is the preservation and flourishing of Jewish life and observance, even if it requires difficult, temporary compromises.

For us as parents, this passage offers a profound lens through which to view our own roles. We are, in essence, the first and most influential court in our children's lives. We establish the "decrees" and "customs" of our homes – the rules, the traditions, the ways we practice Judaism. We are tasked with creating a "safeguard" for our children's connection to their heritage, ensuring they have a strong foundation. But just as the Mishneh Torah acknowledges the limitations and evolving nature of rabbinic authority, so too must we recognize that our parenting "rulings" are not set in stone. Children grow, their understanding deepens, and their needs change. What might have been a necessary "safeguard" or a strict decree in their younger years may need to be re-evaluated as they mature. The text’s emphasis on the majority of the community being able to uphold a decree is a crucial reminder: we must be realistic about what our children, and our families, can truly sustain. Imposing rules that are too burdensome, or that don’t resonate with their developing personalities and circumstances, will likely lead to their nullification, not through a formal court, but through passive resistance or outright rebellion.

The concept of "wisdom and number" also resonates deeply in parenting. As parents, we strive for wisdom – understanding child development, Jewish tradition, and our own family's unique dynamics. We also rely on the "number" of adherents, meaning the acceptance and buy-in of our children. A decree made without considering their capacity or their perspective is unlikely to be upheld. Moreover, the text’s allowance for temporary measures to "bring people back to the faith" or "prevent many Jews from transgressing" speaks to a profound flexibility rooted in compassion. As parents, there will be times when we must make difficult choices, perhaps bending a rule or adjusting expectations, not to condone transgression, but to foster a greater, long-term commitment to Jewish life. This isn't about lowering standards; it's about strategic, loving leadership. It’s about recognizing that sometimes, to ensure our children keep many Sabbaths, we might need to be understanding about a specific Sabbath that doesn't go as planned. The Mishneh Torah, in its intricate discussion of legal precedent and change, ultimately points to a living, breathing tradition that values both continuity and judicious adaptation. For us, this means embracing our role as guardians of our heritage, while also embodying the wisdom to know when and how to adjust our "decrees" with love, foresight, and a deep understanding of our children's journey.

The text’s distinction between decrees that are "safeguards for the words of the Torah" versus those that are merely "resembling other Torah laws" is particularly illuminating for our parenting. When we establish rules in our homes – for example, about Shabbat observance, kashrut, or daily prayer – are we doing so to build a fence around the Torah, to prevent potential pitfalls and foster a deeper appreciation for its commandments? Or are we simply enacting rules that feel good or seem like the "right" thing to do without a clear understanding of their protective purpose? The Mishneh Torah suggests that decrees intended as safeguards are more enduring and carry greater weight. This implies that, as parents, we should strive to articulate the why behind our family’s Jewish practices. Simply saying, "We don't use electronics on Shabbat," is less impactful than explaining, "On Shabbat, we put away our screens so we can connect with each other, rest our minds, and focus on the beauty of the day and our family." When children understand the underlying intention – the safeguarding aspect – they are more likely to internalize the value, even if the specific practice needs adjustment over time. This is where the "wisdom" component of the Mishneh Torah’s principle comes into play. True wisdom in parenting involves understanding not just the rules, but the spirit behind them, and communicating that spirit effectively to our children.

Furthermore, the text’s allowance for temporary measures to prevent widespread transgression or bring people back to the faith offers a crucial model for navigating inevitable parenting challenges. We all encounter moments when our children are struggling with their connection to Judaism, or when they are on the verge of behaviours that could lead them away from our values. In such times, the Mishneh Torah encourages a pragmatic, life-affirming approach. It's not about abandoning our principles, but about using them with a higher wisdom that prioritizes the long-term well-being of the soul. This might mean, for instance, being more flexible with a teenager about certain aspects of observance during a challenging period, with the explicit goal of keeping them engaged in the broader Jewish community and Torah learning, with the hope that they will later embrace a fuller observance. This is the essence of the "desecrate one Sabbath for a person's sake so that he will keep many Sabbaths" principle. It’s a high-stakes strategy, requiring deep discernment and a clear intention to return to full observance when possible. It’s about recognizing that our children are not static entities, but developing individuals whose relationship with Judaism will ebb and flow. Our role is to guide them through these currents with wisdom, compassion, and an unwavering commitment to their ultimate spiritual health, understanding that sometimes, the path to keeping "many Sabbaths" requires a thoughtful approach to a single, difficult one.

The passage’s discussion on the conditions for revoking a decree – surpassing the original court in wisdom and number – also offers a valuable framework for family decision-making. While we don’t have a formal "court" in our homes, we do have evolving dynamics. As children grow into adolescents and young adults, they develop their own wisdom and perspectives. A parent’s decree, however well-intentioned, might eventually need to be re-evaluated if the child’s "wisdom" (their reasoned arguments and understanding) and their "number" (their willingness and capacity to participate) are not aligned with the original ruling. This doesn't mean capitulating to every demand, but it does mean engaging in dialogue, recognizing their increasing maturity, and being open to revising "family law" when appropriate. The principle that a later court cannot revoke a prior one unless it surpasses it in both wisdom and number is a good reminder that significant changes should be well-considered and broadly accepted within the family unit. A rash decision by one parent, or a decree based on a fleeting whim rather than deep consideration, is unlikely to have lasting impact. Conversely, when parents and older children can collaboratively re-evaluate practices, drawing on their collective wisdom and ensuring buy-in, the resulting "laws" are far more likely to be observed and cherished. This fosters a sense of shared responsibility and ownership of the family’s Jewish identity, moving from a top-down imposition of rules to a more organic, community-driven approach.

Finally, the Mishneh Torah’s concern with "not adding to it and not detracting from it" is a timeless reminder for parents. We are tasked with transmitting the Torah and its traditions, not distorting them. However, the text clarifies that creating safeguards, even if they seem to add a prohibition, is not considered "adding" in the forbidden sense. This is crucial for us. Our role is to build a strong, safe container for our children's Jewish experience. This might involve practices that go beyond the bare minimum, not to burden them, but to protect them and deepen their connection. For example, prohibiting certain media on Shabbat might be a safeguard against its intrusion into family time, even if the Torah itself doesn't explicitly forbid that specific form of media on Shabbat. The key is the intention: is it a genuine effort to enhance observance and protect the sanctity of the day, or is it an arbitrary restriction? Understanding this distinction empowers us to make informed decisions about our family’s traditions, always with the goal of nurturing a vibrant, enduring connection to the Jewish people and its sacred heritage. It’s a constant balancing act, requiring us to be both vigilant guardians and adaptable guides, always striving for that sweet spot of "good enough" parenting that leads to lasting spiritual growth.

Text Snapshot

The Mishneh Torah teaches that a later court can only revoke a prior decree if it surpasses the original court in both wisdom and number of adherents. This principle ensures stability but also allows for evolution, emphasizing the importance of communal consensus and deep understanding. Crucially, decrees made as safeguards for Torah law are more difficult to overturn than those derived through other means, highlighting the value of protective measures in Jewish practice. (Mishneh Torah, Rebels 2:1-3)

Activity

Building Our Family's "Decrees" and "Safeguards"

The Mishneh Torah discusses how courts establish laws and customs, sometimes as safeguards for Torah observance. We can apply this to our families by creating intentional "family decrees" and "safeguards" around our Jewish practices. This activity helps make these concepts tangible and collaborative.

For Toddlers (Ages 2-4): "Shabbat Treasures Box"

• Concept: Introducing the idea of special things for Shabbat.
• Activity (≤10 min):
  1. Gather a small, decorative box or basket.
  2. Together, select a few special items that will only come out on Shabbat. This could include:
     • A special Shabbat book or story.
     • A soft challah cover.
     • A special toy that's only for Shabbat (e.g., a wooden puzzle, a set of soft blocks).
     • A small, child-friendly kiddush cup.
     • A special candle holder (if safe and supervised).
  3. Decorate the box together with crayons, stickers, or washable markers.
  4. Explain: "This is our special Shabbat Treasures Box! These special things are only for Shabbat. When Shabbat comes, we'll open our box and play with our Shabbat treasures!"
• Micro-Win: Toddlers learn to associate specific items and activities with Shabbat, creating a tangible sense of its uniqueness and specialness.

For Elementary Schoolers (Ages 5-10): "Family Covenant Scroll"

• Concept: Collaboratively deciding on family practices and their purpose.
• Activity (≤10 min):
  1. Get a long piece of paper (like butcher paper or a roll of craft paper) and markers.
  2. Explain: "Just like wise people in Jewish history made rules to help everyone connect with God and Torah, we're going to create our own 'Family Covenant' for how we want to be Jewish together. We can decide on some special things we want to do, and why they're important to us."
  3. Brainstorm together: What Jewish practices are important to your family? (e.g., lighting Shabbat candles, saying blessings before meals, reading a Jewish story before bed, learning a Hebrew word each week, not using screens on Shabbat afternoon).
  4. For each practice, ask: "Why is this important to us? What does it help us do?" Write down their answers next to the practice. For example:
     • Light Shabbat Candles: "To make our home bright and special for Shabbat, and to remember God's rest."
     • No Screens on Shabbat Afternoon: "So we can play games together and talk without distractions."
  5. Have the child decorate the scroll and sign their name (or draw a picture) to show they agree to try their best. Parents also sign.
  6. Hang the scroll somewhere visible.
• Micro-Win: Children feel empowered by having a voice in family traditions and understand the "why" behind Jewish practices, fostering a deeper connection and ownership.

For Tweens & Teens (Ages 11+): "Generational Wisdom Council"

• Concept: Discussing and adapting family traditions with a focus on evolving needs and understanding, mirroring the Mishneh Torah's concept of wisdom and number.
• Activity (≤10 min, can be extended if needed):
  1. Schedule a brief "Family Wisdom Council" meeting.
  2. Explain: "The Mishneh Torah talks about how rules can change over time, and how new 'courts' (groups of wise people) can adapt them. Our family is like a mini-community. We have some traditions that have worked well for us, but as you all grow, our needs and understanding change. Let's talk about one or two of our family's Jewish practices and see if we want to adjust them, or understand them better."
  3. Choose ONE practice to discuss. For example:
     • Friday Night Dinner: "We always have a formal Friday night dinner. How does that feel for everyone now? Are there ways we could make it feel more connecting or less stressful, while still keeping its specialness?"
     • Learning Torah: "We've been trying to learn a little Torah each week. What kind of Torah learning feels most engaging to you now? Are there different topics or formats we could explore?"
     • Shabbat Activities: "What are some Shabbat activities that feel meaningful and fun to you right now? Are there things we used to do that don't feel as relevant anymore, or new things we'd like to try?"
  4. Facilitate an open discussion. Encourage teens to express their thoughts and feelings respectfully. Listen actively to their perspectives on "wisdom" and how they feel about the practice.
  5. Aim for a small, agreed-upon adjustment or a deeper understanding. It's not about overthrowing tradition, but about thoughtful adaptation based on the "wisdom" and "number" (buy-in) of the family.
• Micro-Win: Teens and tweens feel respected and heard, learning valuable skills in dialogue, compromise, and understanding the dynamic nature of tradition within a Jewish framework. They develop a more mature relationship with their heritage.

Script

Navigating Awkward Questions About Jewish Practice

The Mishneh Torah’s discussion about safeguards and the evolving nature of decrees gives us a framework for explaining Jewish practices, even when questions arise that feel complex or potentially awkward. The key is to be honest, to explain the purpose (the safeguard), and to acknowledge that not everyone understands or practices in the same way.

Scenario 1: Someone asks why you don't do X on Shabbat (e.g., use phones, watch TV).

• Parent (Calmly, kindly): "That's a great question! For our family, Shabbat is a special time for us to disconnect from the everyday hustle and really connect with each other and with our Jewish traditions. We find that putting away our phones and screens helps us do that – it's like a safeguard to make sure we really focus on rest, family time, and thinking about bigger things. It's how we try to keep Shabbat holy for us."
• Follow-up (if needed): "Not everyone practices Shabbat the same way, and that's okay! This is just what feels right and helpful for our family right now."

Scenario 2: A child asks why you keep kosher when other friends don't.

• Parent (Empathetically): "That's a really important question, and it's good you're thinking about it. For us, keeping kosher is a way to bring holiness into our everyday lives, even into what we eat. It's like a special code that helps us be mindful and connected to our Jewish heritage. It's a tradition that has been passed down for thousands of years, and it’s a way for our family to feel connected to that long chain of Jewish people. Your friends might have different ways of connecting to their traditions, and we respect that."
• Follow-up (if needed): "It's not about saying one way is better than another, but about choosing practices that help us feel closer to God and our community."

Scenario 3: An older child questions a specific family rule they feel is outdated or unnecessary.

• Parent (Openly, respectfully): "I hear you, and I appreciate you sharing that. You're right, as you get older, you have more wisdom and a different perspective, and it's important for us to consider that. Can you tell me more about why you feel this particular practice isn't working for you right now? What's your reasoning?"
• Follow-up (after listening): "That makes sense. Let's think about the original reason we had this 'rule' – it was meant to be a safeguard for [explain original intention]. Given your thoughts, how could we achieve that safeguard in a way that feels more meaningful or manageable for you now? Maybe we can adjust it slightly, or find a different way to achieve the same goal." (This opens the door for collaborative problem-solving, mirroring the Mishneh Torah's idea of adapting decrees).

Habit

The "Siyag" (Safeguard) Check-in

The Mishneh Torah highlights the importance of decrees made as "siyagim" – safeguards – for Torah law. As parents, we often create these "safeguards" in our homes to protect our children's connection to Judaism and to prevent them from straying into areas that could be harmful to their spiritual well-being. This micro-habit is about intentionally reflecting on these family "safeguards."

• The Habit: Once a week, for 60 seconds, ask yourself: "What is one 'safeguard' or 'decree' I've established in our home regarding our Jewish practice, and what is its intended purpose?"
• How to do it:
  • Choose a moment: This could be during your commute, while doing dishes, or just before bed.
  • Identify a practice: Think about a rule or tradition you have in place. Examples: "We don't use screens on Shabbat afternoon," "We always say the Shema before bed," "We try to eat dinner together every night," "We learn a Hebrew word each week."
  • Identify the "Siyag" (Safeguard): What is the purpose behind this practice? What is it protecting or fostering?
    • Screens on Shabbat: To foster family connection, rest, and a break from digital noise.
    • Shema before bed: To connect with God and tradition before sleep, creating a sense of peace and continuity.
    • Family Dinner: To ensure quality family time and communication.
    • Hebrew Word: To build familiarity and connection with the language of our heritage.
  • Briefly consider: Does the safeguard still serve its purpose effectively? Is it still relevant to our family's current stage? (This is not about changing it immediately, just a brief check-in).
• Why it's a micro-habit: It’s short, manageable, and focuses on intentionality. It helps you stay connected to the why behind your family's Jewish practices, ensuring they are more than just rote rules, but meaningful traditions that build a strong Jewish home.
• Goal for the week: To consciously acknowledge the protective and nurturing intent behind at least one of your family's Jewish practices.

Takeaway

The wisdom of the Mishneh Torah, especially in its discussion of courts and decrees, offers us a profound perspective on Jewish parenting. We are not meant to be rigid dictators of tradition, but rather wise, empathetic guides who understand that our role involves both preserving the core of our heritage and adapting its expression to the evolving needs of our children and our families. Like the Sages of old, we must strive for wisdom, consider the "number" of those we lead, and always aim to build "safeguards" that foster a deep, lasting connection to our people and our faith. Embrace the "good enough" tries, celebrate the small wins, and remember that the most enduring traditions are those built on love, understanding, and a shared journey. May we be blessed with the wisdom to navigate this path with grace and joy.