Mishneh Torah, Rebels 6

Here is a lesson on honoring parents from the Mishneh Torah, designed for beginners and aiming for clarity and empathy.

The Big Question

Imagine a world where a simple "thank you" or a helping hand carries profound cosmic weight. In Judaism, this isn't just a nice idea; it's a foundational principle. We're about to explore one of the most significant commandments in our tradition: honoring and fearing our parents. It's a commandment so vital that the Torah itself draws a striking parallel between respecting parents and respecting the Divine. This isn't just about politeness or obligation; it's about understanding a deep spiritual connection that mirrors our connection to God. But what does this truly entail? How far does this obligation extend, and what happens when these obligations clash with other important duties? This exploration will not only illuminate a core Jewish value but also offer practical wisdom for navigating complex family relationships within a framework of divine instruction.

One Core Concept

The central idea we'll be exploring is the profound equivalence the Torah draws between honoring and fearing one's parents and honoring and fearing God. This elevates the parent-child relationship from a mere social contract to a sacred duty, deeply intertwined with our commitment to the Divine.

Breaking It Down

The Mishneh Torah, penned by the brilliant Maimonides (Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon), offers a detailed codification of Jewish law. In Hilkhot Mamrim (Laws of Rebels), Chapter 6, specifically sections 1-3, he lays out the intricate details of the commandment to honor and fear one's father and mother. Let's unpack these layers.

The Foundation: A Divine Parallel

The text immediately establishes the immense significance of this commandment by drawing direct parallels between honoring/fearing parents and honoring/fearing God.

• Exodus 20:12 famously states, "Honor your father and your mother."
• Proverbs 3:9 links honoring God with our wealth: "Honor God from your wealth."
• Similarly, Leviticus 19:3 commands, "A person must fear his mother and father," while Deuteronomy 6:13 says, "And you shall fear God, your Lord."

The Torah explicitly states that just as God commands us to honor and fear His name, so too He commands us to honor and fear our parents. This isn't hyperbole; the severity of the punishments for violating these commandments underscores this point. Cursing one's father or mother is punishable by stoning, the same punishment meted out for blaspheming God. This striking comparison reveals that the respect we show our parents is, in essence, a reflection of our respect for the Divine.

Nuances of Honor and Fear

While the concepts of "honor" and "fear" seem straightforward, the Mishneh Torah delves into their specific manifestations.

• Fear: This isn't about terror or intimidation. It's a deep-seated reverence and awe. The text explains it as refraining from:

  • Standing in their designated spot.
  • Sitting in their designated spot.
  • Contradicting their words.
  • Offering an opinion that outweighs theirs.

  Crucially, it also includes not calling them by their first name, either during their lifetime or after their death. Instead, one should refer to them as "My father and my master." Maimonides adds a practical caveat: this applies particularly to names that are not commonly used. For everyday names like Abraham, Isaac, or Jacob, one can call others by these names without concern, even in their presence, as long as it's not a direct challenge to their honor.

• Honor: This aspect is more about active care and provision. It means:

  • Providing them with food and drink.
  • Clothing them.
  • Ensuring their comfort and well-being, using their own resources if available, or the son's resources if the parent lacks them.

  The son is obligated to sustain his parents and serve them as one would serve a teacher. Even if the father was once the son's teacher, the son must still stand before his father in deference.

The Scope of Obligation

The commandment extends beyond mere physical acts of service and respect.

• In Daily Affairs: A son is obligated to include his father's honor in his business dealings. If he's acting on his father's behalf, he should phrase his requests and actions in a way that clearly indicates his father's involvement and honor, rather than making it solely about himself. For example, instead of saying "Free me quickly," he should say, "Free me quickly because of my father." This constant awareness and articulation of their father's honor are paramount.

• After Death: The obligation doesn't end with a parent's passing.

  • Within twelve months: When mentioning a deceased father's teachings, one should say, "This is what my father, and teacher – may I serve as atonement for him – said." This is a profoundly respectful way to honor their memory and legacy.
  • After twelve months: The phrasing shifts to "May he be remembered for the life of the world to come." This acknowledges the ongoing connection and prayer for their eternal peace.

• Equality of the Commandment: Both men and women are obligated to honor and fear their parents. The text notes a subtle distinction, suggesting that men might have more capacity to enact this outwardly, while women are subject to others' influence. However, if a woman is divorced or widowed, she is considered equal in her ability to fulfill this commandment.

• Extreme Scenarios: The Mishneh Torah doesn't shy away from extreme situations to illustrate the depth of this commandment.

  • Financial Distress: Even if a parent were to take a son's purse of gold and throw it into the sea in his presence, the son must not embarrass them, shout, or express anger. He must accept the decree with silence.
  • Public Humiliation: If parents were to rip the son's fine garments, strike him on the head, or spit in his face, even when he's in a position of leadership, he must remain silent. This silence is presented as an act of reverence for God, who commanded this behavior. The text suggests that if a mortal king issued such an order, we would obey even if it caused suffering; how much more so when the command comes from the Creator of the universe.

Navigating Conflicts and Complexities

The Mishneh Torah addresses challenging scenarios where other obligations or difficult circumstances arise.

• Parental Forgoing Honor: A parent is permitted to forgo their own honor and not be overly demanding of their children's deference. If a parent desires to overlook an affront, they may.
• Abusive Parents: A parent who strikes an adult son is forbidden from doing so, as it constitutes placing a stumbling block before the blind (a Rabbinic prohibition).
• Mental Incapacity: If parents lose their mental faculties, a child should adapt their interactions to the parent's condition. If the parent becomes severely deranged and it's impossible to remain with them, the child may leave and arrange for their care by others.
• The Mamzer (Child Born from Forbidden Union): Even a mamzer is obligated to honor and fear their father, despite not being liable for striking or cursing him unless they repent. This obligation holds even if the father is a wicked person who has transgressed many laws.
• Correcting a Parent: If a child sees their father violating Torah law, they should not directly accuse him. Instead, they should gently remind him of the relevant Torah passage, as if asking a question: "Father, is not such-and-such written in the Torah?" This approach aims to correct without causing public shame or direct confrontation.
• Parent Demanding Violation of Torah: This is a critical juncture. If a father commands his son to violate a Torah law – whether a negative commandment (don't do) or a positive commandment (do) – even if it's a Rabbinic law, the son must not listen. The text derives this from Leviticus 19:3: "A person must fear his mother and his father and keep My Sabbaths." The juxtaposition implies that the obligation to God takes precedence.
• Prioritizing Mitzvot (Commandments): When a parent requests something that is not a violation of Torah law, but there is an opportunity to perform another mitzvah, the situation becomes nuanced.
  • If others can perform the other mitzvah, the son should prioritize honoring his father.
  • If only he can perform the other mitzvah, he should do so, even if it means neglecting his father's honor at that moment, because both are obligated in the mitzvah.
• Torah Study vs. Honoring Parents: Torah study is explicitly stated to surpass honoring one's father and mother. If both parents request a drink of water, the son should honor his father first, as both he and his mother are obligated to honor the father.
• Honoring Stepparents: A son is obligated to honor his father's wife (stepmother) throughout his father's lifetime, as this is considered part of honoring his father. Similarly, he should honor his mother's husband (stepfather) during her lifetime. After the mother's death, this obligation to the stepfather ceases.
• Honoring an Older Brother: As a Rabbinic decree, a person is obligated to honor their oldest brother in the same way they honor their father.

The commentaries offer further insights:

• Ohr Sameach on the mamzer (Mishneh Torah, Rebels 6:11:1) explains that the obligation to honor and fear parents remains even if the parent has committed severe transgressions and the child is therefore exempt from punishment for harming them. This highlights the inherent dignity and status of the parental role.
• Steinsaltz on the same passage clarifies that the exemption from punishment for harming a parent only applies if the parent has not repented. This emphasizes that the act of repentance can restore the full weight of the parent-child obligation.
• Steinsaltz on Rebels 6:11:2 suggests that when correcting a parent, one should use indirect language, similar to how one might approach a teacher, framing it as a question about Torah rather than a direct accusation.
• Yad Eitan and Ohr Sameach on Rebels 6:12:1 discuss the precedence of Torah commandments over even Rabbinic decrees. This reinforces the hierarchy of obligations, where Divine law always takes precedence.
• Yitzchak Yeranen on Rebels 6:12:1 delves into the complex reasoning behind why a child must not obey a parent who commands them to violate Torah law. He explains that the perceived equivalence between honoring parents and honoring God does not grant parents authority to override Divine commands.

How We Live This

Understanding these laws is one thing; applying them in our daily lives is another. The principles outlined in the Mishneh Torah offer a powerful framework for building stronger, more respectful relationships.

Practical Applications Today

• Active Listening and Respectful Communication: This means truly hearing what our parents say, even when we disagree. It involves choosing our words carefully, avoiding dismissiveness, and expressing our thoughts respectfully, especially when they hold a different opinion.
• Acts of Service and Care: This can range from helping with chores and errands to providing emotional support and companionship. It's about recognizing their needs and actively seeking ways to alleviate burdens and bring them comfort. Even small gestures of kindness, like a phone call or a thoughtful note, can make a significant difference.
• Honoring Memory: For those whose parents have passed, this can involve sharing their stories, continuing their positive traditions, or engaging in acts of charity in their name. It's about keeping their legacy alive in meaningful ways.
• Navigating Disagreements: When disagreements arise, especially concerning beliefs or lifestyle choices, the Torah's emphasis on indirect correction and prioritizing Divine law is crucial. It encourages us to seek common ground, express our concerns gently, and ultimately, to uphold our own commitment to Torah without causing unnecessary conflict or disrespect.
• Setting Healthy Boundaries: While the obligation to honor parents is profound, it's also important to recognize that we are all individuals with our own lives and responsibilities. The Mishneh Torah teaches that parents should not place an undue burden on their children. This encourages open communication about what is feasible and sustainable within the family dynamic.
• Recognizing the Divine in the Mundane: The core message is that by honoring our parents, we are, in a profound sense, honoring God. This reframing can transform everyday interactions into opportunities for spiritual growth. When we act with kindness, patience, and respect towards our parents, we are fulfilling a sacred duty that connects us to the Divine source of all life.

The text also highlights that this isn't about blind obedience. When parental requests conflict with Divine commandments, our primary allegiance is to God. This nuanced approach allows for both deep filial respect and unwavering commitment to Torah.

One Thing to Remember

The profound lesson from the Mishneh Torah is that honoring and fearing our parents is a divine commandment directly equated with honoring and fearing God, shaping our spiritual lives through our most fundamental human relationships.