Shulchan Arukh, Orach Chayim 108:2-4

Jewish Parenting in 15: On-Ramp (5 Minutes)

Insight

Life with children is, let's be honest, often a beautiful, swirling, unpredictable mess. We juggle schedules, soothe tears, celebrate milestones, and sometimes, just try to get through the day with our sanity intact. In this whirlwind, the idea of adherence to precise halakhic timings, like prayer, can feel like yet another impossible demand. Our text this week, Shulchan Arukh Orach Chayim 108:2-4, delves into the intricate laws of making up missed prayers. While on the surface this might seem like a topic for the devoutly observant, the underlying principles offer profound wisdom for us as parents navigating the practicalities of Jewish life with little ones. What the Shulchan Arukh is really teaching us is about flexibility within structure, compassion for human error, and the inherent value of trying.

Think about it: When a child misses a nap, or a planned activity gets derailed by a sudden illness, or a tantrum erupts just as we’re about to leave the house, our immediate instinct might be frustration. We might feel like we’ve failed in our planning or that the day is ruined. But the Torah and our Sages, in their infinite wisdom, understood that life isn't always neat and tidy. They acknowledged that mistakes happen. We are not perfect, and neither are our children. The concept of "teshuvah", repentance or return, is central to Judaism, and this extends beyond grand spiritual gestures to the everyday recalibrations we need to make. The Shulchan Arukh offers a system for "making up" missed prayers, not as a punitive measure, but as a way to acknowledge the missed opportunity and strive to reconnect. This is a powerful model for us as parents. Instead of dwelling on the missed bedtime story or the forgotten Shabbat candle lighting, we can focus on the "make-up" opportunity. This doesn’t mean rigidly adhering to a schedule or feeling guilty when things go awry. It means recognizing that a missed moment doesn't define the entire experience. It's about the intention to return, to try again, to find a way to weave that missed element back into our lives, perhaps in a slightly different form. The Gemara and commentaries grapple with the nuances of these make-up prayers, considering intentionality, circumstance, and the timing of the next prayer. This careful consideration highlights the importance of understanding context and showing grace. For us, this translates to understanding our children's developmental stages, their individual needs, and the unpredictable nature of family life. When we miss a Jewish practice or a planned family moment, we can ask ourselves: What is the spirit of this practice? How can we honor that spirit, even if the execution isn't perfect? Can we find a "make-up" moment later in the day, or week, to connect with that intention? The key here is to bless the chaos – to see the spilled milk not as a disaster, but as an opportunity for a different kind of learning or connection. The Shulchan Arukh, in its detailed approach to missed prayers, is ultimately a testament to the Jewish value of chesed (kindness) and rachamim (compassion), even towards ourselves. It encourages us to approach our parenting journey not with a spirit of perfectionism, but with a spirit of resilient, loving effort, always seeking to reconnect and reaffirm our values, one micro-win at a time.

Text Snapshot

"If one erred or was forced [by circumstance] and did not pray the morning prayer, one should pray the afternoon prayer twice: the first is the afternoon prayer, and the second as a make-up." (Shulchan Arukh, Orach Chayim 108:2)

"If one erred and did not pray the evening prayer, one should pray the morning prayer (i.e. Amidah) twice: the first for the morning prayer, and the second as a make-up." (Shulchan Arukh, Orach Chayim 108:4)

"Even though there are no make-up prayers other than for the prayer immediately adjoining that prayer, and (other) prayers that one missed [i.e. one skipped two or more as mentioned above] do not have a make-up; if one wants to pray that one [i.e. the one that cannot be make-up anymore] as a voluntary prayer and one will innovate something [new] into it, one is allowed to and it is proper to do so." (Shulchan Arukh, Orach Chayim 108:3)

Activity

"Make-Up Moment" Story Circle (≤ 10 minutes)

Objective: To practice the concept of "making up" a missed moment in a fun, low-pressure way, focusing on creativity and connection.

Materials: A cozy spot (couch, floor cushions), perhaps a soft blanket or stuffed animal.

Instructions:

1. Parent: "Hey [Child's Name], you know how sometimes we plan to do something, and then something else happens, and we don't get to it? Like maybe we wanted to build a giant Lego tower today, but then we ended up playing outside instead? That's okay! In Judaism, we have this idea of 'making up' things. It means if you miss something, you can try to do it later, or do something similar. It’s like giving yourself a second chance to connect with that idea or that feeling."

2. Child's Turn: "Let's play a game called 'Make-Up Moment.' I'll start by thinking of something we could have done today, but we didn't. Then, you can be the 'make-up' planner! You can tell me what we can do now to 'make up' for it, or what we can do tomorrow. We can even make up a silly story about it!"

3. Example (Parent): "Okay, so imagine today, we could have gone on a magical adventure to the moon in a rocket ship. But instead, we ended up reading books. That's nice, but what if we wanted to 'make up' our moon adventure?"

4. Child's Response (Encourage creativity!):

   • "We can pretend this blanket is our rocket ship! Vroooom!"
   • "Let's draw a picture of the moon and the stars!"
   • "Tomorrow, we can eat moon cheese (crackers) for breakfast!"
   • "We can tell a story about aliens we met!"

5. Parent's Role: Listen enthusiastically. If the child struggles, offer gentle prompts or a silly suggestion. The goal is not a perfect "make-up," but the playful engagement with the concept.

6. Continue (if time/interest allows): Let the child initiate a "missed" activity and have you be the "make-up" planner.

Why this works:

• Relatable: Children understand when plans change.
• Empowering: It gives them agency to "fix" or reimagine.
• Low Stakes: It’s about imagination and connection, not rigid execution.
• Jewish Connection: It introduces a core concept of Judaism (teshuvah, making amends) in an age-appropriate, joyful way.
• Micro-Win: Even a few minutes of imaginative play with this theme is a success!

Script

Awkward Question: "Rabbi/Teacher, I completely forgot to say my morning prayers today! What do I do? Am I in trouble?"

Response (30 seconds):

"Oh, thank you for asking! It’s so common for life to get busy, especially with little ones around. The great news is, Judaism understands that we're human and we sometimes miss things. Our tradition actually has a beautiful concept of 'making up' missed prayers. The Shulchan Arukh tells us that if you miss a prayer, you can often say it again during the time of the next prayer, as a makeup. For example, if you missed the morning prayer, you can sometimes say it again when you pray the afternoon prayer. It's not about punishment; it's about finding a way to reconnect with that intention. Don't worry about being 'in trouble.' The important thing is that you're thinking about it and want to connect. We can look up the specifics together later, but for now, know that there are always ways to mend and reconnect. Blessed are you for caring!"

Habit

The "Oopsie Reconnect" Minute (1 Micro-Habit)

This week, aim for one "Oopsie Reconnect" Minute each day. When you realize you've missed a planned Jewish practice, a special moment, or even just a connection with your child because of the daily rush, pause for just one minute. Instead of guilt, ask: "What's the intention behind that missed practice? How can I bring a little bit of that intention back now, or later today?" It could be a quick song, a shared snack, a meaningful hug, or a brief explanation of a Jewish concept. The goal is not perfection, but a conscious, small act of reconnecting with your values amidst the chaos.

Takeaway

The Shulchan Arukh's detailed laws on making up missed prayers are a powerful reminder that Jewish life isn't about unattainable perfection, but about resilient effort and compassionate recalibration. When we miss a prayer, a practice, or a planned moment with our children, it's not a failure, but an invitation to practice teshuvah – to return, to reconnect, and to find a way to bring that value back into our lives, even in a small, imperfect way. Bless the chaos, aim for micro-wins, and remember that "good enough" trying is truly a sacred act.