II Samuel 17:20-18:26

Okay, let's dive into this fascinating and complex passage from II Samuel. It's rich with lessons for us as parents, even amidst the "chaos" of raising kids. Remember, we're aiming for "good enough" and celebrating those micro-wins!

Insight

This week's Torah portion from II Samuel 17-18 offers a powerful, albeit dramatic, lens through which to examine the delicate dance of influence, trust, and navigating difficult advice within families. The core tension revolves around Absalom, David's rebellious son, and the two conflicting counsel he receives from Ahithophel and Hushai. Ahithophel, the seasoned strategist, offers a swift, brutal, and seemingly brilliant plan to eliminate David. Hushai, on the other hand, employs a more nuanced, seemingly less effective, but ultimately more beneficial strategy. As parents, we often find ourselves in situations where we are either the "Absalom" receiving advice (or unsolicited opinions!) about our children, or we are the "Ahithophel" or "Hushai" offering counsel to our children, or even to other parents. The passage compels us to consider the nature of the advice we give and receive, and how we process it, especially when it involves the well-being and future of our children.

The immediate takeaway from the narrative is the stark contrast between Ahithophel's direct, aggressive approach and Hushai's indirect, persuasive method. Ahithophel's advice is seductive in its simplicity and promise of quick victory. He appeals to Absalom's desire for immediate gratification and absolute power. This mirrors the parenting temptations we face: the urge to impose our will forcefully, to demand immediate obedience, to expect effortless success, and to believe that the harshest or most direct method is always the most effective. We might see a child struggling with homework and instantly want to "take over" and do it for them, or to impose a strict, punitive consequence for a minor infraction, believing this will "fix" the problem permanently. Ahithophel's strategy is built on exploiting David's perceived weakness – his weariness and discouragement. This highlights a crucial parenting pitfall: focusing solely on a child's current struggles or perceived vulnerabilities as the sole basis for our intervention, rather than understanding the deeper context, their inherent strengths, and their capacity for resilience.

Hushai's counter-advice, however, is masterful in its understanding of human psychology and long-term strategy. He doesn't dismiss Ahithophel's plan outright but reframes it, highlighting its inherent flaws and appealing to Absalom's ego and desire for a grander victory. He paints a picture of overwhelming force, of a united Israel rallying behind Absalom, making the victory seem inevitable and all-encompassing. This "wisdom" is not about brute force, but about persuasion, about understanding the audience, and about playing the long game. This is where we, as parents, can learn immensely. Often, the most effective parenting doesn't involve yelling, threats, or immediate punishments. It involves understanding our child's perspective, validating their feelings (even when they're misbehaving), and guiding them towards better choices through patient explanation, modeling, and consistent boundaries that are communicated with kindness. Hushai’s approach also acknowledges the importance of the collective – "all Israel." In parenting, this translates to understanding that our children are part of a larger family, a community, and that their actions have ripple effects. It also reminds us to consider the "elders of Israel" – the other influential figures in our children's lives, such as grandparents, teachers, or mentors, whose perspectives can also be valuable.

The divine intervention in the text – "God had decreed that Ahithophel’s sound advice be nullified, in order that God might bring ruin upon Absalom" – is a reminder that while we strive for wisdom and effective strategies, there is a higher wisdom at play, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, things don't go as planned. This shouldn't lead to despair, but rather to a deep sense of humility and reliance on something greater than ourselves. For parents, this means accepting that we won't always have the "perfect" answer, that our children will make mistakes, and that sometimes, external factors beyond our control will influence their journey. Our role is to offer the best guidance we can, to foster resilience, and to trust in the process, even when it's messy. The story also highlights the critical role of messengers – Jonathan and Ahimaaz – who risk their lives to deliver crucial information. This speaks to the importance of clear and timely communication within families, and the courage it sometimes takes to speak truth, even when it's difficult. The secrecy and subterfuge employed by the maidservant and the well also remind us that sometimes, protecting our loved ones requires creative problem-solving and a willingness to go the extra mile, even if it feels a bit like a spy novel.

Furthermore, the passage grapples with the agonizing burden of parental love in the face of a child's destructive choices. David's repeated plea to "deal gently with my boy Absalom" is heartbreaking. It underscores the enduring, often painful, connection between a parent and child, even when that child has caused immense suffering. This is perhaps the most profound and challenging lesson for parents. How do we balance the need for accountability and justice with the deep, unconditional love we hold for our children? How do we enforce consequences while still nurturing the relationship and holding out hope for their redemption? The story of Absalom's tragic end, caught between heaven and earth, serves as a stark metaphor for the precariousness of his choices and the devastating consequences of rebellion. For parents, this is a call to be present, to offer unwavering love, but also to set firm boundaries that protect both the child and others. It's about guiding them towards a life that is not "caught between heaven and earth," but grounded in integrity and connection. The final scenes, with Joab’s internal conflict and the differing messages delivered by Ahimaaz and the Cushite, further emphasize the complexities of conveying difficult truths and the emotional weight of loss. David's desperate question, "Is my boy Absalom safe?", even after the battle, is a testament to the enduring power of a parent's heart. This teaches us that even when our children stray, our love and concern for their well-being remain, and our role is to continue to offer guidance, support, and a path back towards wholeness, no matter how challenging the journey.

The concept of "good enough" parenting is deeply embedded in this narrative, not as an excuse for complacency, but as a recognition of the inherent imperfections in human judgment and action. Ahithophel’s advice, while seemingly sound and strategically brilliant from a purely military perspective, ultimately fails because it lacks an understanding of the deeper emotional and relational dynamics at play, both within David's camp and within Absalom's own heart. Hushai's success lies not in a superior tactical mind, but in his ability to read the room, to understand Absalom's motivations, and to offer a vision that appeals to his pride and ambition. This is a crucial lesson for parents. We often get caught up in the "tactics" of parenting – the reward charts, the time-outs, the specific disciplinary strategies. While these can be helpful tools, they are only effective when they are grounded in a genuine understanding of our child as a unique individual with their own hopes, fears, and developmental stage. The "good enough" parent is the one who is present, who listens, who tries their best to understand, and who consistently offers love and guidance, even when they stumble. They don't aim for perfection, but for connection and growth. The story of Hushai's successful counter-strategy, which is ultimately attributed to God's will, also subtly shifts the focus from human cleverness to divine providence. This can be incredibly liberating for parents. It means we don't have to have all the answers. We can trust that there is a larger plan, and that our efforts, however imperfect, are part of a greater unfolding. This perspective can alleviate the immense pressure we often place on ourselves to be flawless. Instead, we can focus on being loving, attentive, and responsive, knowing that even in our "good enough" attempts, we are contributing to our children's well-being and development in meaningful ways. The emotional turmoil David experiences, his yearning for his errant son, also highlights the complex reality of parental love. It’s not always neat and tidy; it can be filled with pain, regret, and unwavering hope. Recognizing this complexity in ourselves and in our own relationships with our children is part of the "good enough" journey. It means accepting that our love isn't always expressed perfectly, but its enduring presence is what truly matters.

Text Snapshot

"Then Hushai said to Absalom, 'This time the advice that Ahithophel has given is not good. You know that your father and his men are courageous fighters, and they are as desperate as a bear in the wild robbed of her whelps. Your father is an experienced soldier, and he will not spend the night with the troops; even now he must be hiding in one of the pits or in some other place.'" (II Samuel 17:7-9)

This passage demonstrates the power of understanding your audience and framing advice in a way that resonates with their current emotional state and perceived needs. Hushai doesn't just contradict Ahithophel; he explains why Ahithophel's plan is flawed by appealing to Absalom's potential fears and insecurities, while simultaneously building up his own proposed strategy as more fitting for the situation.

Activity

Title: The "Better Idea" Game!

Goal: To practice presenting ideas and advice in a constructive and persuasive way, understanding that different approaches have different strengths.

Ages: Adaptable for toddlers, elementary school, and teens.

Time: 5-10 minutes per round.

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For Toddlers (Ages 2-5): "What Should We Play Next?"

Materials: A few toys or books.

Activity:

1. Parent: "Okay, we've been building with blocks for a while. What should we do next?"
2. Child: (May suggest something simple, or just look confused).
3. Parent (as "Ahithophel"): "Hmm, I know! We should immediately grab all the stuffed animals and have a big, loud animal party! Roar! Squeak! That will be super fun!" (Parent acts out the immediate, energetic idea).
4. Parent (as "Hushai"): "Wait a minute! That sounds fun, but maybe... we could first read this book about puppies? Puppies are soft, and then we could pretend to be puppies and have a gentle puppy play time. Or, we could draw a picture of the animals we want to play with later. What do you think?" (Parent offers a slightly more nuanced, less immediate, or alternative idea).
5. Discussion: "See? Ahithophel's idea was loud and fast! Hushai's idea was a little different, maybe softer or more creative. Which one do you want to try now? Or maybe we can do both later!"

Micro-Wins: Toddlers practice listening to different suggestions and making simple choices. Parents practice offering options and not just dictating.

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For Elementary Schoolers (Ages 6-11): "The Family Project Plan"

Materials: Paper, crayons, or whiteboard.

Activity:

1. Parent: "Let's plan a fun family project for this weekend! What's something we could do together?" (Elicit a child's initial idea).
2. Parent (as "Ahithophel"): "Okay, so [Child's Idea] sounds okay, but what if we just, like, immediately go to the park right now and stay until dinner? No planning, just go! That's the fastest way to have fun!" (Emphasize speed and directness).
3. Parent (as "Hushai"): "That's a good thought, [Child's Name]! Going to the park is fun. But you know, sometimes when we just rush off, we forget things. What if we think about what we want to do at the park? Maybe pack a special snack? Or what if we brainstormed three fun project ideas for the weekend: one could be the park, another could be a baking project, and another could be building a fort. We could pick the one that sounds best for everyone and plan it out a little. That way, we make sure it's super successful!" (Focus on elaboration, alternatives, and collective decision-making).
4. Discussion: "Ahithophel's plan was super quick, but maybe a little rushed. Hushai's plan took a bit longer to think about, but it might lead to even more fun because we all got to choose and prepare. Which approach feels better for our family project?"

Micro-Wins:

• Child: Practices articulating ideas, listening to alternatives, and understanding that different approaches exist.
• Parent: Models persuasive communication, acknowledges the child's initial idea, and introduces the concept of strategic planning and collaborative decision-making.

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For Teens (Ages 12-17): "The 'Advice Exchange' Scenario"

Materials: None needed, or a journal/notepad.

Activity:

1. Parent: "Let's do a quick role-play. Imagine I'm your friend, and I'm telling you about a problem I'm having with [e.g., a group project at school, a disagreement with a sibling, a social dilemma]. I've just told you my problem. What's your first instinct to help me?"
2. Parent (as "Child/Friend"): Describes a problem, perhaps with some frustration.
3. Parent (as "Ahithophel"): "Okay, so your friend's problem is [summarize problem]. My advice is: You need to go straight to the teacher/parent/coach right now and tell them exactly what happened! Demand they fix it! That's the only way!" (Emphasize immediate, confrontational action).
4. Parent (as "Hushai"): "That's a tough situation for your friend. I hear how frustrating it is. Before you jump to confronting the teacher/parent/coach, let's think about it. What are all the possible ways to approach this? Could you first try talking to the other person involved directly, calmly? What if you gathered more information first? What are the potential consequences of going straight to the authority figure? Maybe we can write down the pros and cons of each approach, and then you can decide what feels like the best strategy for you, not just the fastest." (Emphasize analysis, alternatives, and strategic thinking).
5. Discussion: "Ahithophel's advice was direct and action-oriented. Hushai's advice was more about thinking through the options and choosing the best path. In real life, which approach often leads to a better outcome? Why? How does your own personality or the situation influence which approach you might prefer?"

Micro-Wins:

• Teen: Practices active listening, considers different problem-solving strategies, understands the nuances of persuasion, and develops critical thinking skills.
• Parent: Models empathetic listening, demonstrates the value of considering multiple perspectives, and shows how to offer guidance without being overly prescriptive or demanding. This also helps parents understand how their teens might perceive advice.

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Connecting to the Text: This activity directly mirrors the dynamic between Ahithophel and Hushai. Ahithophel offers a quick, decisive, and aggressive solution, while Hushai offers a more strategic, nuanced, and persuasive approach that considers the long-term implications and the psychology of the situation. By engaging in these scenarios, children and parents alike can begin to internalize the idea that the way advice is given and the depth of consideration behind it can make all the difference. It’s about choosing the "better advice" not just for immediate impact, but for lasting positive outcomes.

Script

Scenario: Your child comes to you with a friend's problem, and you have a strong, immediate opinion on what they should do, but it involves confrontation or a potentially harsh action. Your child is hesitant or unsure.

The Awkward Question: "Mom/Dad, Sarah is really upset because [friend's name] isn't sharing their toys. What should I tell her to do?"

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Script Option 1: The "Gentle Nudge" Approach (Focus on empathy and process)

(Approx. 30 seconds)

Parent: "Oh, that sounds tough for Sarah. It's hard when friends don't share. What do you think Sarah should do? What do you feel is the best way to help her feel better about it right now?"

(Pause for child's response. If hesitant or suggesting something harsh):

Parent: "That's an idea. Sometimes, when we're upset, we want to tell the other person exactly how we feel, right? Like, maybe Sarah could tell [friend's name] calmly, 'I feel sad when I can't play with the toys too.' Or maybe, if that feels too hard, she could suggest taking turns. What do you think about those options? It’s like Hushai’s advice – thinking about different ways to approach it, not just the quickest or loudest."

Why it works: This script empowers the child to think through solutions themselves. It validates their initial impulse but gently steers them towards more constructive approaches, mirroring Hushai's method of offering alternatives and considering the emotional impact. It avoids directly telling them what to do, fostering independent thinking.

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Script Option 2: The "Strategic Thinker" Approach (Focus on weighing options)

(Approx. 30 seconds)

Parent: "That's a tricky situation for Sarah. When something like that happens, it's like David's advisors – Ahithophel and Hushai. Ahithophel might say, 'Tell them they're mean and you'll never play with them again!' That's quick, right? But Hushai might say, 'Let's think about why they're not sharing. Maybe they're having a bad day, or maybe they don't know how to share nicely. What if Sarah asks if she can play with them, or suggests a game where they both can use different toys?' So, what do you think: the direct 'Ahithophel' way, or the more thoughtful 'Hushai' way? What feels like it might lead to a happier outcome for Sarah and her friend in the long run?"

Why it works: This script uses the biblical characters as a framework for understanding different approaches. It clearly contrasts the impulsive ("Ahithophel") with the strategic ("Hushai"), helping the child see the pros and cons of each. It encourages them to consider the long-term consequences.

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Script Option 3: The "Parent as Guide" Approach (When you do have a strong suggestion, but want to soften it)

(Approx. 30 seconds)

Parent: "I hear you. It’s really frustrating when sharing doesn't happen. My first thought, like Ahithophel, might be to say, 'Tell them off!' But then I remember Hushai's wisdom. He knew that sometimes a big reaction can make things worse. So, instead of telling Sarah to yell, maybe she could try something like this: 'Hey, I'd really like to play too. Can we find a way to share?' Or, 'What if we play with these toys together?' It's about trying to find a solution that brings everyone together, rather than just causing more upset. Does that sound like something Sarah could try?"

Why it works: This script acknowledges the parent's own initial impulse (which might be aligned with Ahithophel's directness) but consciously chooses the more nuanced approach, citing Hushai's wisdom. It provides concrete, actionable examples that are less confrontational.

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Key Principles for These Scripts:

• Empathy First: Always acknowledge the child's feelings and the difficulty of the situation.
• Empowerment: Encourage the child to think for themselves, even while guiding them.
• Biblical Framing (Optional but helpful): Using the story's characters can make abstract concepts more concrete.
• Focus on Process, Not Just Outcome: Emphasize how to solve a problem, not just the solution itself.
• "Good Enough" Framing: The goal isn't perfect advice, but helpful, kind guidance.

Habit

Habit: The "One Question Check-In"

Time Commitment: 1 minute, daily.

Description: This week, commit to asking your child one open-ended question each day that goes beyond the typical "How was school?" or "Did you do your homework?" The goal is to foster deeper connection and understanding, much like Hushai sought to understand the full situation before offering advice. Think of it as gathering the necessary information before dispensing wisdom.

How it Works:

• Choose your question strategically: Tailor it to your child's age and your family's current focus.
• Listen actively: Put down your phone, make eye contact, and truly hear their response.
• No judgment, just curiosity: Your role is to understand, not to solve or critique their answer.
• Keep it brief: The "micro" in micro-habit is key! One question, one minute.

Examples of "One Question Check-In" Questions:

• For Younger Children (Toddler/Preschool):

  • "What made you laugh today?"
  • "What was your favorite thing you saw today?"
  • "What was something you did that felt really good?"

• For Elementary Schoolers:

  • "What was the most interesting thing you learned today?"
  • "What was a moment today when you felt proud of yourself or someone else?"
  • "If you could invent anything, what would it be and why?"
  • "What's something that made you feel curious today?"

• For Tweens and Teens:

  • "What's one thing you're looking forward to this week?"
  • "What's a challenge you faced today, and how did you handle it?"
  • "If you could change one thing about your day, what would it be and why?"
  • "What's something you're grateful for right now?"
  • "What's a new idea or perspective you encountered today?"

Connecting to the Text: This habit mirrors Hushai's approach to Absalom. Before offering his strategic advice, Hushai listened carefully to Ahithophel's proposal. He then took time to analyze the situation, considering David's strengths and Absalom's motivations. The "One Question Check-In" is our way of gathering information about our child's world, understanding their perspective, and building a foundation of trust before we offer guidance or solutions. It's about gathering the "intelligence" needed to offer the most relevant and helpful "advice" – whether that's a listening ear, a word of encouragement, or a gentle redirection. This habit helps us avoid the "Ahithophel trap" of rushing to judgment or offering the quickest, easiest solution without truly understanding the child's inner landscape. By dedicating just one minute, we are making a consistent, small investment in connection, which can lead to greater insights and more effective parenting over time. It’s a micro-act of mindful presence that can bless the chaos of daily life.

Micro-Wins:

• Opens lines of communication.
• Shows your child you care about their inner world.
• Provides small, manageable opportunities for connection.
• Helps you stay attuned to your child's emotional state.

Takeaway

The story of Ahithophel and Hushai in II Samuel teaches us that effective guidance, whether we are giving or receiving it, is rarely about the loudest or most immediate solution. It’s about understanding the context, the individuals involved, and the long-term implications. As parents, we are constantly navigating the complex advice landscape – from our own inner voices, from well-meaning friends and family, and from the vast sea of parenting resources. This passage encourages us to cultivate a "Hushai" mindset: to listen deeply, consider different perspectives, appeal to reason and emotion with kindness, and to play the long game. It also reminds us that our ultimate success as parents isn't measured by perfect strategies, but by the enduring love, connection, and guidance we offer, even imperfectly, in the spirit of "good enough" and with a trust in a higher wisdom. Bless the chaos, aim for micro-wins, and remember that the most valuable advice is often delivered with empathy and understanding.