II Samuel 17:20-18:26

Here is your Jewish Parenting in 15 lesson, designed for busy parents seeking practical, empathetic guidance.

Insight

This week's Torah portion, II Samuel 17:20-18:26, presents us with a dramatic narrative of rebellion, cunning strategy, and the devastating consequences of conflict. At its heart, we see two contrasting approaches to advice: Ahithophel's direct, aggressive, and ultimately fatal counsel to Absalom, versus Hushai's more nuanced, seemingly supportive yet strategically subversive advice. For us as parents, this offers a powerful lens through which to examine how we offer guidance to our children. Are we always pushing for the quickest, most decisive solution, or do we sometimes employ a softer, more indirect approach that allows for the child's own agency and understanding to develop?

Ahithophel’s advice is tempting in its simplicity and perceived effectiveness: "Let me pick twelve thousand men and set out tonight in pursuit of David. I will come upon him when he is weary and disheartened, and I will throw him into a panic; and when all the troops with him flee, I will kill the king alone." This is the kind of plan that might appeal to a parent feeling overwhelmed and wanting to "fix" a situation instantly. It’s about decisive action, eliminating the problem swiftly. However, as Hushai points out, this approach lacks foresight and disregards the emotional and psychological complexities involved. David and his men are described as "courageous fighters... as desperate as a bear in the wild robbed of her whelps." A frontal assault, while seemingly powerful, risks igniting a fiercer, more desperate resistance.

Hushai, on the other hand, offers a strategy that is more about building consensus and overwhelming force, but it also contains a crucial element of misdirection. He advises rallying all of Israel, creating a massive force that will "descend on him [as thick] as dew." While this sounds like a more democratic and perhaps less brutal approach on the surface, its ultimate goal is still complete annihilation. The brilliance, and perhaps the ethical ambiguity, of Hushai's strategy lies in its ability to sound appealing to Absalom while subtly undermining Ahithophel’s immediate plan, thereby saving David. Hushai’s success is not just in his strategic thinking, but in his understanding of Absalom's ego and desire for widespread support. He doesn’t directly confront Absalom’s desire for power; instead, he reframes it in a way that seems more grand and all-encompassing.

This duality in the text—the direct, forceful approach versus the indirect, persuasive one—mirrors the challenges we face in parenting. Sometimes, a direct "no" or a clear instruction is necessary. But often, especially with older children, a more nuanced approach is needed. It’s about planting seeds, asking guiding questions, and allowing our children to arrive at their own conclusions, even if it takes longer. Hushai’s success hinges on his ability to read the room, understand the motivations of those he’s advising, and offer counsel that aligns with their perceived desires while subtly steering them towards a different outcome. As parents, we are constantly navigating this balance. We want to equip our children with good decision-making skills, but we also need to foster their independence and their ability to think critically. The story of Ahithophel and Hushai reminds us that the way we offer advice, the framing we use, and our understanding of our child's internal landscape can be just as important as the advice itself. It’s a call to be both wise strategists and empathetic listeners in our parenting journey, aiming for understanding and growth rather than just immediate compliance. We learn that sometimes, the "better" advice isn't the loudest or the most aggressive, but the one that cleverly navigates complex emotions and motivations, ultimately leading to a more sustainable, though perhaps less immediately satisfying, outcome. It’s about recognizing that true wisdom often involves listening, observing, and sometimes, planting a seed of an idea that will blossom on its own time.

Text Snapshot

"And Hushai said to Absalom, 'This time the advice that Ahithophel has given is not good. You know that your father and his men are courageous fighters, and they are as desperate as a bear in the wild robbed of her whelps. Your father is an experienced soldier, and he will not spend the night with the troops; even now he must be hiding in one of the pits or in some other place.'" (II Samuel 17:7-9)

This passage highlights Hushai's skillful reframing of the situation. Instead of directly challenging Ahithophel's strategy, he focuses on David's strengths and the potential for a prolonged, difficult conflict if Absalom's forces act rashly. He appeals to Absalom's desire for a decisive victory by suggesting a more overwhelming, and thus seemingly more certain, approach.

Activity

Name: "Strategy Swap"

Time: 7-10 minutes

Goal: To practice reframing advice and understanding different perspectives.

Materials: None.

Instructions:

1. Parent: "Let's play a quick game called 'Strategy Swap.' I'm going to give you a common parenting scenario, and I want you to imagine two ways you might respond to your child. One way is like Ahithophel's advice – quick, direct, maybe a little forceful. The other way is like Hushai's – a bit more indirect, maybe asking questions, or suggesting a different angle. You choose which one you'd like to try with me, and then we'll switch roles."

2. Scenario 1 (for the child to respond to): Your child comes home upset because they weren't picked for a team or a role they really wanted.

   • Ahithophel-style response: "Don't worry about it. You're better off anyway. Let's go do something fun instead." (Direct, dismissive of the current pain, immediate distraction).
   • Hushai-style response: "Oh, that sounds really disappointing. What do you think made it hard to get picked this time? Maybe we can brainstorm some things to practice for next time?" (Validates feelings, asks reflective questions, focuses on future solutions).

3. Parent: "Okay, you've picked your style. Now, I'm going to act like your child. Tell me what you'd say using your chosen strategy." (Parent acts as child, receiving the advice).

4. Parent: "Great! Now it's my turn. Let's switch. I'll be the parent, and you be the child. Here's the scenario: You've been asked to clean your room, and you're really resisting because you want to play a game."

   • Ahithophel-style response (parent's): "Your room needs to be clean now. No playing until it's done!" (Direct command, consequence).
   • Hushai-style response (parent's): "I hear you wanting to play. Cleaning your room is important for us to do. How about we make a deal? We tackle the biggest mess for 10 minutes, and then you can play for a bit before we finish the rest?" (Acknowledges desire, sets expectation, offers compromise and small steps).

5. Child: (Responds as the child).

6. Parent: "Wow, that was quick! We just practiced two different ways of giving advice, just like in the Torah story. Sometimes direct is good, and sometimes a little more thinking behind it works better. We got through it without anyone hanging themselves, thank God!"

Why it works: This activity is short, uses relatable scenarios, and directly connects to the text's theme of differing advice styles. It empowers the child by giving them a choice in how they participate and encourages them to think about the impact of different communication approaches. The lighthearted closing reinforces the "no guilt" rule.

Script

(For when your child asks a tricky question about fairness, conflict, or why someone did something that seems unfair.)

Parent: "That's a really big question, and I'm so glad you're asking it. You know, in our Torah portion this week, there's a story about King David's son, Absalom, who was rebelling against him. And there were two advisors, Ahithophel and Hushai, who gave very different advice. Ahithophel wanted to go after David immediately, with a small, fast group. But Hushai said, 'No, that's not a good idea. David and his men are too strong and too desperate. We need to gather everyone and overwhelm them.' It's like, imagine you and a friend are arguing. Ahithophel is like saying, 'Just tell them they're wrong and walk away!' But Hushai is like saying, 'Let's get all our friends together and they'll see we're right.'

Now, why do you think Hushai gave different advice than Ahithophel? What was he trying to achieve? Sometimes, when people have big problems, there isn't just one 'right' answer. There are different ways to approach things, and sometimes the best way isn't the loudest or the quickest. It’s about thinking about all the different feelings and people involved. We can talk more about what makes a situation feel unfair, and how different people try to solve those problems."

Why it works: This script uses an analogy that is simple and relatable for children ("getting friends together"). It directly references the Torah portion without getting bogged down in historical details. It frames the question as a complex one, validating the child's curiosity, and it opens the door for further discussion about fairness and problem-solving, emphasizing that there are often multiple approaches. The goal is to acknowledge the complexity and encourage thinking, not to provide a definitive, guilt-inducing answer.

Habit

Name: "The Ten-Minute Tidy & Talk"

Goal: To create small pockets of connection and order amidst the chaos.

Micro-habit: Once this week, before bedtime or at another calm moment, spend exactly 10 minutes tidying a small, shared space (like the living room coffee table, the entryway, or a kitchen counter) together with your child.

How to implement:

1. Set a timer for 10 minutes.
2. Choose one small, visible area.
3. Work side-by-side. You can assign simple tasks: "Can you put the books back on the shelf?" "Let's gather all the socks." "Wipe down this surface."
4. During the 10 minutes, chat casually. Ask about their day, something they learned, something funny that happened. Keep it light and observational. If they talk about a struggle, acknowledge it without trying to solve it deeply in this short window.
5. When the timer goes off, stop. Acknowledge the progress: "Wow, look how much better this looks in just 10 minutes! We did a great job together."

Why it works: This habit is incredibly time-boxed and achievable. It addresses the feeling of overwhelm that clutter can bring, creating a small sense of control and accomplishment. Crucially, it builds in connection time that doesn't feel like a "lesson" or a "lecture." The casual conversation during the task allows for natural check-ins, offering a gentle way to observe your child's mood and any underlying issues, without the pressure of a formal sit-down. It's about micro-wins in both order and connection.

Takeaway

The story of Ahithophel and Hushai in II Samuel is a masterclass in the power of perspective and strategy. As parents, we can learn from both their approaches. Ahithophel represents the urge for immediate, decisive action, which sometimes is necessary. But Hushai reminds us of the wisdom in understanding the emotional landscape, the motivations of our children, and the impact of our words. By practicing "Strategy Swap," offering "The Ten-Minute Tidy & Talk," and engaging with the text’s nuances, we can cultivate a more empathetic and effective way of guiding our children, aiming for understanding and growth over immediate perfection. Remember, good-enough parenting is not just about the outcome, but about the intention and the effort, a true micro-win in itself.