Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 1:1

Shalom, dear parents! Welcome to our quick dive into Jewish parenting, where we find wisdom for our busy lives. Today, we're tackling a foundational concept from the Tanya, the foundational text of Chabad Chassidut. It might seem a bit abstract, but trust me, it has very practical implications for how we parent. We're going to bless the chaos and aim for those beautiful micro-wins!

Insight

The opening of Tanya, Likkutei Amarim 1:1, presents us with a fascinating paradox. On one hand, we're taught that before birth, a soul is sworn to be righteous and not wicked, and to see itself as wicked even if the world calls it righteous. On the other hand, Pirkei Avot, a core ethical text, advises us not to regard ourselves as wicked. This seems contradictory, and the Tanya acknowledges this complexity, promising a deeper explanation later. But for us, as parents navigating the daily whirlwind, what's the takeaway? It’s about understanding the inherent duality within ourselves and, by extension, within our children. We are not simply "good" or "bad." We are complex beings with the capacity for both elevated thought and action, and for falling short. The "oath" before birth is a reminder of our soul's pure potential, its divine spark. It’s a call to strive for our highest selves, to remember our innate connection to the Divine. The instruction to view ourselves as wicked, paradoxically, isn't about self-flagellation or crippling self-doubt. Instead, it's a powerful tool for humility and continuous growth. When we believe we've "arrived," we stop growing. When we see ourselves as needing improvement, we remain open to learning, to change, and to seeking guidance. This is crucial for our parenting journey. We often have an idealized vision of how we should be as parents – patient, perfectly composed, always saying the right thing. But reality rarely matches the ideal. If we hold ourselves to an impossible standard of perfection, we'll inevitably feel like failures. This can lead to guilt, burnout, and a loss of joy in parenting. The Tanya's message, when translated into our daily lives, encourages us to embrace our imperfections. It's about recognizing that we will make mistakes, we will lose our temper sometimes, we will forget to pack a snack. And that's okay. The key is not to never stumble, but to learn from our stumbles, to apologize when necessary, and to recommit to doing better. This also applies to our children. We don't want to label them as "good" or "bad" definitively. Instead, we want to help them understand that they have choices, that their actions have consequences, and that they always have the capacity to choose differently. The concept of the "benoni," the intermediate person, is so important here. It's not about being mediocre; it's about acknowledging that most of us are in a constant state of striving, of balancing our impulses and desires with our higher aspirations. We are not expected to be perfect from day one. We are expected to try, to learn, and to grow. This understanding liberates us from the pressure of being the "perfect parent" and allows us to be the "real parent" – one who is present, loving, and committed to the journey, with all its ups and downs. It's about fostering a mindset of growth for ourselves and for our children, where mistakes are seen not as indictments of character, but as opportunities for learning and becoming more aligned with our true, divine potential.

Text Snapshot

"An oath is administered to him [before birth, warning him]: “Be righteous and be not wicked; and even if the whole world tells you that you are righteous, in your own eyes regard yourself as if you were wicked.” This requires to be understood, for it contradicts the Mishnaic dictum [Avot, ch. 2], “And be not wicked in your own estimation.”" (Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 1:1)

Activity

The "Shining Light" Reflection Jar (≤ 10 minutes)

This activity is designed to help you and your child(ren) focus on the inherent goodness and potential within yourselves, acknowledging that we are all works in progress.

Materials:

• A clean jar or container.
• Small slips of paper.
• Pens or markers.

Instructions:

1. Gather your children. Sit together with the jar and slips of paper.
2. Introduce the concept (briefly): "You know how sometimes we learn that we all have a spark of goodness inside us, like a little light? Today, we're going to create a special jar to remind us of that spark, both in ourselves and in each other."
3. Parent Reflection: Take a slip of paper. Think about a small, positive quality you see in yourself as a parent that you might often overlook. It could be your patience in a tough moment, your ability to find humor, your persistence, or even just your genuine effort. Write it down. For example: "I was patient when Liam dropped his food three times." or "I managed to make a healthy dinner even when I was tired." Fold the slip and place it in the jar.
4. Child Reflection (age-appropriate): Guide your child(ren) to do the same. For younger children, you might prompt them: "What's something good you did today?" or "What's something nice you did for someone else?" For older children, they can reflect on their own efforts or positive actions. Examples: "I shared my toy with Maya." or "I tried my best on my homework." They can draw a picture if writing is difficult.
5. Shared Reflection: If you have multiple children, you can also have them write down one positive quality they see in a sibling. For instance, "Maya is kind." or "Liam makes me laugh."
6. Focus on the "Even If": Remind them gently, "Even if we mess up sometimes, or if someone else says we're not perfect, we still have this good spark inside us. This jar helps us remember it."
7. Seal the Jar: Close the jar. You can place it on a shelf as a visual reminder.
8. Micro-moment: Throughout the week, when you or your child are feeling down, or when you notice a moment of goodness, take out a slip and read it aloud. This reinforces the idea that good is always present, even amidst challenges.

Why this works: This activity directly addresses the tension between acknowledging imperfection and recognizing inherent goodness. It provides a tangible way for children (and parents!) to focus on their positive attributes, fostering self-compassion and a growth mindset without ignoring the reality of mistakes. It's about celebrating the effort and the divine spark, not just the flawless outcome.

Script

Awkward Question: "Mom/Dad, why did you get so angry just now? You’re supposed to be a good parent!"

(30-second script)

"Oh, sweetie, that's a really important question. You know how we talked about how everyone, even grown-ups, are still learning and trying to be their best? Well, sometimes, even when I'm trying my hardest, I don't get it right. Today, I reacted with anger, and that wasn't my best self, and I'm really sorry. It wasn't okay. It doesn't mean I'm not a good parent, and it doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means I made a mistake. We all make mistakes, and the important thing is to learn from them. I promise I'll try to do better next time. Can you forgive me?"

Why this works: This script is honest, apologetic, and educational. It validates the child's observation, acknowledges the parent's imperfection without dwelling on it, reaffirms love, and frames mistakes as learning opportunities. It avoids defensiveness and directly addresses the child's perception of the parent's role. It's about modeling accountability and the ongoing process of spiritual growth.

Habit

The "One Good Thing" Observation (Micro-habit for the week)

Goal: To cultivate an awareness of our own and our children's inherent goodness, even when things are tough.

How to do it (≤ 1 minute daily): Each day, before you go to sleep, take just 60 seconds to think of one specific good thing that happened, or one positive quality you observed in yourself or your child. It doesn't have to be monumental.

• For yourself: "I remembered to take a deep breath before responding to that email." or "I managed to make it through the grocery store without a meltdown."
• For your child: "She helped her brother with his puzzle." or "He showed kindness to the dog."

Why this works: This habit directly counteracts the tendency to focus on what went wrong or what needs fixing. By deliberately seeking out and acknowledging the "good," you are training your brain to see the positive, even in challenging circumstances. This shifts your perspective, fosters gratitude, and reinforces the idea that goodness is always present, aligning with the Tanya's message of inherent divine sparks. It's a tiny practice with a big impact on your overall outlook and your ability to bless the chaos.

Takeaway

Our journey as Jewish parents, like the soul's journey described in Tanya, is one of constant striving and growth. We are blessed with a divine spark, a capacity for goodness, but we also navigate the complexities of human nature. The key is not perfection, but persistence. Embrace the "benoni" within you and your children – the beautiful, messy, learning, growing self. Focus on micro-wins, celebrate your "good-enough" tries, and remember that even in the midst of chaos, a spark of holiness shines brightly. You are doing great work, just by showing up and trying. Chag sameach and go forth with kindness!