Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 1:1

Shalom! Let's dive into this week's Jewish Parenting in 15, where we're exploring the deep waters of self-perception and our inner world, with a beginner-to-intermediate lens. Remember, we're aiming for progress, not perfection.

Insight

This week, we're grappling with a fascinating paradox presented in the Tanya, drawing from the ancient wisdom of our tradition. We're told, in a pre-natal oath, to "Be righteous and be not wicked; and even if the whole world tells you that you are righteous, in your own eyes regard yourself as if you were wicked." This seems to fly in the face of another well-known teaching from Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers): "And be not wicked in your own estimation." How can we possibly hold these two seemingly contradictory ideas at once? And more importantly, how does this ancient paradox relate to the messy, beautiful reality of parenting?

The Tanya, in its profound exploration of the human soul, helps us understand this not as a contradiction, but as a sophisticated guide to spiritual growth and self-awareness. The initial instruction, to see ourselves as if wicked even when praised, isn't about fostering self-loathing or depression, which would indeed hinder our ability to serve God joyfully. Instead, it's a powerful tool for cultivating humility and a constant drive for improvement. Imagine a child who has just learned to tie their shoes. If everyone tells them they're an expert, they might stop practicing. But if, even after mastering it, they still feel like they could tie them a little faster or neater, they'll keep refining the skill. This is the essence of that pre-birth instruction. It's about internalizing a healthy dissatisfaction with the status quo, a recognition that there's always more to learn, more to grow into, and more ways to perfect our actions and intentions. It's an encouragement to maintain a posture of continuous learning and self-correction, preventing complacency from setting in.

The apparent contradiction with "And be not wicked in your own estimation" comes into focus when we understand that the Tanya is speaking about two different aspects of self-perception. The directive to "regard yourself as if you were wicked" is about our internal striving and our awareness of our potential for flaw. It's an internal compass pointing towards growth. The instruction "Be not wicked in your own estimation" is about how we present ourselves to the world and how we process external feedback. It's about not allowing self-condemnation to paralyze us or lead to despair. If we constantly believe we are fundamentally wicked, we might give up trying to be good. But if we acknowledge our potential for wickedness and our current imperfections, we can use that awareness to fuel positive change without succumbing to hopelessness.

The Tanya introduces the concept of the benoni – the intermediate person. This is a crucial concept for understanding where most of us likely fall on this spectrum. The text explains that a benoni isn't necessarily someone whose deeds are perfectly balanced between good and bad. Rather, it's someone who has the capacity to be swayed by both their good inclination (yetzer tov) and their evil inclination (yetzer hara). The righteous (tzaddik) is someone whose yetzer hara is utterly subjugated, whose good nature is their sole motivator. The wicked (rasha) is dominated by their yetzer hara. The benoni, however, is in a constant state of dynamic tension. They might perform many good deeds, but the yetzer hara is still present and capable of influencing them. Rabbah's declaration that he is a benoni is met with shock because, by some interpretations, it implies that no one could possibly be a true tzaddik if even the greatest among them identified as intermediate. This highlights the incredibly high bar for being a tzaddik – it's not just about doing good deeds, but about the complete eradication of the inclination towards evil from one's core motivation.

For us as parents, this is incredibly liberating. We are not expected to be perfect. In fact, the text suggests that striving for absolute perfection might be an unrealistic and even unhealthy goal. The benoni is the model for most of us. We are all in a process of growth. We will make mistakes. Our children will see our imperfections. And that's okay. The wisdom here is about how we frame these imperfections, both for ourselves and for our children.

When our child messes up – spills milk, forgets a chore, has a tantrum – how do we react? Do we catastrophically label them as "bad"? Or do we acknowledge the action, guide them towards repair, and remind them of their capacity for goodness? The Tanya's insight into the two souls within us – one from kelipat nogah (the shell of spiritual impurity that also contains some good) and one from the "unclean kelipot" – offers a framework for understanding these internal battles. The soul from kelipat nogah is the one that contains the potential for both good and bad, often stemming from our physical desires and impulses. It's the source of our drive, our ambition, but also our anger, our pride, our lust. The other soul, from the "unclean kelipot," is the source of purely negative impulses. For the Jewish people, the soul from kelipat nogah is tinged with good because it originates from the "tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil," meaning it has the capacity to choose good. For other nations, this soul stems from the "unclean kelipot" and its actions are often motivated by self-interest, even when they appear kind.

This understanding of two souls is critical for parenting. We are not just dealing with a child's behavior; we are witnessing the interplay of these two souls within them. When a child acts out of anger, it's the manifestation of the yetzer hara, the powerful impulses that stem from the physical soul. Our role is not to eradicate these impulses entirely – that's an impossible task and would diminish the child's vitality – but to guide them in channeling these energies positively, to learn self-control, and to choose the good.

The instruction to "regard yourself as if you were wicked" can be seen as a call to be hyper-aware of the influence of the yetzer hara within ourselves. It means recognizing that even when we're trying our best, the impulse to be impatient, to snap, to feel overwhelmed, is always present. This self-awareness is not about self-flagellation, but about vigilance. It means understanding that a moment of frustration doesn't make us a bad parent; it makes us a human parent who is wrestling with their own inner impulses. This vigilance allows us to catch ourselves before we react in a way we'll regret.

Conversely, "be not wicked in your own estimation" is about self-compassion and resilience. It means recognizing that even after a moment of imperfection, we are still fundamentally good people, capable of learning and growing. It means not letting a mistake define us or our parenting journey. It's the ability to say, "Okay, that didn't go as planned. What can I learn from this? How can I do better next time?" This is the foundation of a healthy self-image, which is essential for modeling healthy self-esteem for our children.

The Tanya's emphasis on the benoni is a lifeline for busy parents. It acknowledges that we are all a work in progress. We are not expected to be flawless paragons of virtue. We are expected to strive, to learn, to grow, and to be conscious of our inner world. This means acknowledging our own struggles with patience, with our desires, with our anxieties. It means understanding that our children are also navigating these complex internal landscapes.

The core message for us as parents is this: Embrace the journey of being a benoni. Understand that you will have moments of great goodness and moments where your less-than-ideal inclinations surface. The key is not to be perfect, but to be mindful. Be aware of your own inner battles, and use that awareness to guide your children in navigating theirs. Don't let a bad moment define you. Pick yourself up, learn, and move forward with compassion for yourself and for your child. This approach fosters an environment of growth, understanding, and genuine connection, which is the most profound form of Jewish parenting. It's about blessing the chaos, recognizing the inherent goodness within ourselves and our children, and celebrating the small, consistent steps towards becoming the best versions of ourselves, one day at a time.

Text Snapshot

"An oath is administered to him [before birth, warning him]: “Be righteous and be not wicked; and even if the whole world tells you that you are righteous, in your own eyes regard yourself as if you were wicked.” This requires to be understood, for it contradicts the Mishnaic dictum [Avot, ch. 2], “And be not wicked in your own estimation.”" (Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 1:1)

"Rabbah declared, “I, for example, am a benoni.” Said Abbaye to him, “Master, you do not make it possible for anyone to live…”" (Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 1:1)

"for in every Jew, whether righteous or wicked, are two souls... There is one soul which originates in the kelipah and sitra achara... From it stem all the evil characteristics... The souls of the nations of the world, however, emanate from the other, unclean kelipot which contain no good whatsoever..." (Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 1:1)

Activity

Micro-Moment of Self-Reflection: The "Two Souls" Check-In

This activity is designed to help you and your child (age-appropriately, of course) gently explore the idea of internal inclinations. It's about building self-awareness without judgment.

Goal: To foster a brief, positive conversation about internal feelings and choices, connecting to the Tanya's idea of different soul-forces.

Time: 5-10 minutes

Materials: None needed, or a simple drawing tool if you wish.

For Parents:

This activity is a micro-practice. It's not about delving into deep psychological analysis, but about planting seeds of awareness. The Tanya’s concept of two souls can be simplified for children. We can talk about our "energy" or "feelings" that sometimes feel "pushy" or "grumpy" (representing the yetzer hara from kelipat nogah or even the other shells), and other times feel "helpful" or "kind" (representing the yetzer tov).

For Younger Children (Ages 4-7):

• The "Happy Helper" vs. "Grumpy Gus" Game:
  • Setup: You can start by saying, "Sometimes, inside me, I have a 'Happy Helper' feeling that wants to do good things, like share my toys or help clean up. And sometimes, I have a 'Grumpy Gus' feeling that just wants to stomp my feet or say 'no!' even when I don't mean it. Do you ever have feelings like that inside you?"
  • Activity: Ask your child to think about a time they felt a "Happy Helper" feeling. What did they do? (e.g., "I helped Mommy set the table.") Then, ask them about a time they felt a "Grumpy Gus" feeling. What happened? (e.g., "I didn't want to share my truck.")
  • Connection: Gently explain, "It's okay to have both feelings. The important thing is that we can choose to listen to our 'Happy Helper' more often, even when 'Grumpy Gus' is being loud. And if we do listen to 'Grumpy Gus' sometimes, that's okay too. We can always try again to be a 'Happy Helper'."
  • Micro-Win Focus: The micro-win here is simply the act of talking about these feelings and acknowledging that they are normal. It's also a win if the child can identify one instance of a "Happy Helper" action.

For Older Children (Ages 8-12):

• The "Inner Voice" Conversation:
  • Setup: Begin by saying, "Our Sages teach that we all have different parts inside us. Sometimes we have a voice inside that wants us to do the right thing, the kind thing, the helpful thing. And sometimes, we have another voice, maybe a bit more selfish or impatient, that tries to pull us away from that. Have you ever noticed those different 'voices' inside you?"
  • Activity: Ask your child to recall a situation from their day or week where they felt a pull between two different choices. For example, "Did you ever want to play a video game, but you also knew you had homework? Which voice was louder?" Or, "Did you ever see someone being left out, and part of you wanted to go talk to them, but another part felt shy or didn't want to get involved?"
  • Connection: Explain, "It's like we have a 'good choice' voice and a 'less good choice' voice. The 'good choice' voice comes from the part of us that wants to connect with others and do good. The other voice might come from feeling tired, or wanting something for ourselves. We can't always shut off that less good voice, but we can learn to listen more to the good one. It's about noticing what's happening inside and making a conscious effort to choose kindness and responsibility."
  • Micro-Win Focus: The micro-win is the child's ability to articulate a situation where they felt this internal tug-of-war. Another win is if they can identify a conscious choice they made, or could have made, to lean towards the "good choice" voice.

For Parents (Solo Reflection):

• The "Benoni" Check-In:
  • Setup: Find a quiet moment, perhaps during your commute, a short break, or before bed. Remind yourself of the Tanya's concept of the benoni.
  • Activity: Ask yourself: "Where did I feel the pull between my 'good inclination' and my 'less good inclination' today? Was there a moment where I felt impatient with my child, but managed to pause? Was there a moment I wanted to give in to exhaustion, but pushed myself to do one more thing for them? Or vice-versa?"
  • Connection: Acknowledge the duality. If you acted out of impatience, don't dwell in guilt. Instead, recognize it as a sign of the yetzer hara's presence. If you managed to choose the kinder path, acknowledge that as the triumph of your yetzer tov. The key is to recognize that you are a benoni – a work in progress, navigating these forces daily.
  • Micro-Win Focus: The micro-win is simply the act of self-awareness and non-judgmental observation of your own internal state. Recognizing your own benoni status without shame is a significant step.

Empathy and Kindness: Throughout this activity, remember the "no guilt" rule. The goal is observation and gentle understanding, not self-criticism. Frame any discussion about less-than-ideal feelings or actions as a normal part of being human, and an opportunity for learning and growth. Bless the chaos of these internal experiences!

Script

Awkward Question: "Mom/Dad, why did you get so angry just now? You said you were trying to be patient."

(30-Second Script for Parent)

"That's a really important question, sweetie. You noticed that I was feeling frustrated, and I said I was trying to be patient, but my anger came out anyway. You're right. It's like inside me, there are different 'voices.' One voice wants to be calm and patient, but another voice, maybe feeling tired or overwhelmed, can sometimes get loud and make me act angry. It doesn't mean I don't love you or that I'm a bad person. It means I'm still learning how to manage those loud feelings, just like you are learning to manage yours. Thank you for pointing it out; it helps me remember to try even harder to listen to the patient voice. I'm sorry I sounded so angry."

Why this works:

• Validates the child's observation: "You noticed..." This shows you heard them and take their perception seriously.
• Acknowledges the contradiction: "I said I was trying to be patient, but my anger came out anyway. You're right." This is honest and builds trust.
• Uses a child-friendly metaphor: "Different 'voices'" or "different 'feelings'" makes the abstract concept of the yetzer hara relatable.
• Normalizes imperfection: "It means I'm still learning...just like you are learning." This removes shame and positions you as a fellow learner.
• Focuses on effort and intention: "trying to be patient," "helps me remember to try even harder." This emphasizes the ongoing process.
• Offers an apology: "I'm sorry I sounded so angry." This models taking responsibility and repairing the connection.
• Time-boxed: This can be delivered concisely, allowing for a brief but meaningful exchange.

Key takeaway for parents: When these awkward moments arise, remember the benoni within you. You are not expected to be perfect. Honesty, humility, and a commitment to continued growth are the real parenting superpowers. Bless the moment of awkwardness; it's a micro-win for open communication!

Habit

Micro-Habit: The "One Good Deed" Awareness Pause

This week, let's cultivate a tiny but powerful habit centered around actively noticing and appreciating the good. It’s a way to counteract the internal pull towards self-criticism and to reinforce the positive forces within ourselves and our children.

Habit Name: The "One Good Deed" Awareness Pause

Frequency: Once daily.

Time Commitment: 30 seconds to 1 minute.

How to do it:

1. Choose your moment: This can be done during a quiet transition: as you're making coffee in the morning, during your commute, while washing dishes, or just before you go to sleep.
2. The Pause: Take one deep breath.
3. The Awareness: Ask yourself:
   • "What is one good thing I (or my child) did today?" This could be anything, no matter how small. Did I listen patiently for an extra minute? Did my child share a toy? Did I manage to avoid snapping when I felt frustrated? Did my child clean up one toy without being asked? Did I offer a kind word?
   • If nothing immediately comes to mind: Reframe it. "What is one good intention I had today?" or "What is one thing I tried to do well today?"
4. The Acknowledgment: Silently or softly acknowledge this good deed. You don't need to do anything elaborate. A mental nod, a quiet "Thank you," or "That was good" is enough. If you're doing this with your child (in a very simple way), you might say, "I noticed you did [good deed]. That was a kind choice."

Why this is a micro-habit:

• Time-Efficient: It requires almost no extra time in your already packed schedule.
• Focus on the Positive: It actively counters the tendency to only notice what went wrong or what needs improvement, which can be amplified by the "regard yourself as if you were wicked" mindset if not balanced.
• Builds Self-Compassion: By intentionally looking for the good, you're practicing kindness towards yourself and your child. This is the antidote to guilt.
• Reinforces Good Inclinations: It subtly trains your brain to recognize and value the efforts of your yetzer tov.
• Connects to the Tanya: This habit is a practical application of balancing the awareness of our imperfections (benoni nature) with the recognition and appreciation of our inherent goodness and capacity for positive action. It’s about spotting the sparks of light, even when the shadows are present.

Bless the Chaos: Even on a day that felt like a total mess, finding just one good deed or good intention is a micro-win. Bless the fact that you are trying, and bless the small moments of goodness that are always present, even if they are hard to see. This habit helps us find them.

Takeaway

This week, we've journeyed into the heart of self-perception and the complex nature of our inner lives, as illuminated by the Tanya. The seemingly contradictory teachings about seeing ourselves as both righteous and potentially wicked are not designed to induce guilt, but to foster a dynamic process of growth. We are all benonim – intermediate people – navigating the interplay of our good and less-good inclinations. Our parenting journey is not about achieving flawless perfection, but about mindful awareness, self-compassion, and consistent effort.

Remember, the "oath" to "regard yourself as if you were wicked" is a call to humility and continuous striving, keeping complacency at bay. It's about being vigilant to our potential for flaw, not to wallow in it. Simultaneously, "be not wicked in your own estimation" is our shield against despair, reminding us of our inherent goodness and capacity for change. When we stumble, we can acknowledge the imperfection without letting it define us, and then, with renewed resolve, choose the path of kindness and responsibility.

This understanding empowers us to be more empathetic parents. We can extend this same grace to our children, recognizing that they too are navigating their own inner landscapes. Our role is not to demand perfection, but to guide them with love, honesty, and a deep understanding of the human condition – our shared benoni reality. By embracing this balance, we create a home where growth is celebrated, mistakes are learning opportunities, and the journey of becoming better, kinder individuals is the ultimate goal.

Your takeaway: You are doing enough. Your imperfect efforts are valuable. Focus on mindful awareness, practice self-compassion, and celebrate the micro-wins of goodness you find within yourself and your child each day. This is the essence of Jewish parenting – a continuous, loving, and ever-evolving process.