Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 1:13

Hook

Ah, Hebrew school. Remember that feeling? Maybe it was the chanting that felt like a secret code you couldn't quite crack, or perhaps the lessons on mitzvot (commandments) felt like a list of rules too rigid to possibly apply to your messy, real life. For many of us, the experience can feel like trying to assemble IKEA furniture with missing instructions and a perpetually grumpy allen wrench. It's no wonder many of us ended up bouncing off.

But what if I told you that what you experienced wasn't the whole story? What if those seemingly dry texts actually hold keys to navigating the complexities of modern adult life? Today, we're going to take a fresh look at a particularly mind-bending concept from the Tanya, one that might have seemed like a contradiction or just plain confusing back then: the idea of constantly seeing yourself as potentially wicked, even when you're trying your best to be good. We'll re-enchant this, not by telling you you should have gotten it, but by showing you what you might have missed and how it can actually empower you now.

Context

The passage we’re diving into grapples with a seemingly paradoxical teaching from the Talmud: before we're born, we're sworn to be righteous, not wicked. Yet, the same tradition also instructs us to regard ourselves as wicked in our own eyes, even if everyone else calls us righteous. This sounds like a cosmic joke, right? "Be good! But also, assume you're secretly terrible!" Let's demystify this apparent contradiction by breaking down a few core ideas:

The Oath Before Birth: A Cosmic Mandate

• The "Oath" as Delegation: Think of this not as a legalistic oath with penalties, but as a profound delegation of power. When your soul enters this world, it's given the inherent capacity and mission to fulfill its destiny. This "oath" is the universe's way of saying, "You've got what it takes; now go do it." It's an empowerment, a trust placed in you from the very beginning.
• The "Wickedness" as a Fulcrum: The instruction to "regard yourself as wicked" isn't about self-flagellation. Instead, it’s about maintaining a keen awareness of your potential for missteps. It’s like a skilled athlete who constantly visualizes their opponent’s strengths and potential strategies – not out of fear, but out of a deep understanding of the game and the need for constant vigilance and self-awareness. It keeps you sharp.
• The Counterpoint: "Not Wicked in Your Own Estimation": The teaching you might remember from Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers) – "Be not wicked in your own estimation" – is crucial. This isn't about ignoring your flaws. It’s about recognizing that the purpose of self-awareness isn't to paralyze yourself with guilt, but to motivate positive action. If you truly believe you're irredeemably wicked, you might despair. This teaching is the balance, ensuring that self-reflection leads to constructive growth, not self-destruction.

Text Snapshot

"It has been taught: An oath is administered to him [before birth, warning him]: 'Be righteous and be not wicked; and even if the whole world tells you that you are righteous, in your own eyes regard yourself as if you were wicked.' This requires to be understood, for it contradicts the Mishnaic dictum, 'And be not wicked in your own estimation.'"

"Furthermore, if a man considers himself to be wicked he will be grieved at heart and depressed, and he will not be able to serve G–d joyfully and with a contented heart; while if he is not perturbed by this [self-appraisal], it may lead to irreverence, G–d forbid."

"However, the matter [will be understood after a preliminary discussion]. We find in the Gemara five distinct types—a righteous man who prospers, a righteous man who suffers, a wicked man who prospers, a wicked man who suffers, and a benoni (an intermediate person)."

New Angle

Okay, let's take this seemingly esoteric discussion about righteous people and intermediate beings and bring it into our adult lives. The Tanya is going to blow your mind here, because it’s not just talking about spiritual saints and sinners. It’s talking about us, in our everyday realities of work, family, and the quiet quest for meaning. The core idea that’s going to re-enchant this text for you is the concept of the benoni, the "intermediate person," and what it truly means to exist in that space.

Most of us, when we encountered these ideas in youth, probably felt like we should be the "righteous man who prospers" (the perfect tzaddik). Or, if we were feeling a bit down on ourselves, we might have secretly identified with the "righteous man who suffers." The benoni often felt like a consolation prize, or worse, a place for those who just weren't trying hard enough. But the Tanya flips this on its head, revealing the benoni not as a failure, but as the most realistic and dynamic spiritual state for most of us, and understanding this can revolutionize how we approach our lives.

Insight 1: The Benoni as the Master of the Internal Tug-of-War (Work & Meaning)

The text dives deep into the concept of the benoni, explaining that it's not simply someone with an equal number of good and bad deeds. This is a crucial distinction that often gets lost. The benoni isn't defined by a ledger of actions, but by the state of their soul.

The Tanya introduces a profound idea: every person, whether they identify as righteous or wicked, possesses two souls. One soul originates from the divine, the spiritual source of all good. The other soul, however, stems from what the text calls kelipah (shells) and sitra achara (the other side), which are forces that can lead to negative inclinations. This "other" soul is what gives life to the physical body and is the source of our baser instincts – anger, pride, gluttony, lust, envy, and so on.

Now, here’s where it gets powerful for us adults. The benoni is the person who is actively engaged in the ongoing struggle between these two souls. They haven't eradicated the negative inclinations; rather, they have a deep awareness of them and are constantly working to ensure that the divine soul, the one connected to G-dliness, is in control.

Think about your workplace. How often do you face situations where your "good" instincts clash with more self-serving ones? Maybe you see an opportunity to take credit for someone else's idea, or perhaps you're tempted to cut corners to meet a deadline, even if it means compromising quality. The benoni isn't someone who never feels that temptation. The benoni is the one who recognizes that temptation, feels the pull of that "other" soul, but consciously chooses to align with their higher purpose, their divine soul.

This isn't about being perfect. It's about the process. It's about the daily, sometimes hourly, decision to prioritize integrity, collaboration, and genuine contribution over ego and expediency. The benoni understands that the real work of life, the true pursuit of meaning, happens not when we've achieved a flawless record, but when we're actively navigating these internal conflicts with awareness and intention.

This perspective offers a profound reframe for anyone feeling the pressure to be a "superstar" at work or to have their entire life perfectly "together." The Tanya suggests that the ongoing, imperfect effort to align your actions with your values, even when it's hard, is the spiritual work. It's in the daily grind, the moments of ethical challenge, the subtle compromises you resist, that your spiritual strength is forged. The benoni isn't stuck in the middle; they are actively in the arena, engaged in the most vital kind of work: the work of self-mastery. This matters because it liberates us from the paralyzing myth of effortless perfection and allows us to find profound meaning in the very act of striving.

Insight 2: The Benoni as the Embodiment of Humility and Growth (Family & Meaning)

The text’s exploration of the two souls also sheds light on the seemingly contradictory advice about self-perception. The instruction to "regard yourself as wicked" isn't about self-condemnation, but about cultivating a profound humility that fuels growth.

The Tanya explains that the "evil nature" can be subservient to the good nature. This is the hallmark of the benoni. They haven't annihilated their negative impulses, but they have learned to manage them. This management requires constant vigilance and a deep-seated humility that acknowledges the ever-present potential for those impulses to resurface.

Consider your family life. How often do you find yourself reacting out of impatience, frustration, or a need to be "right"? Perhaps you snap at your kids, or you engage in a passive-aggressive exchange with your partner. These moments often stem from the "other" soul, the one driven by ego and immediate gratification. The benoni, in this context, is not the parent who never loses their temper. The benoni is the parent who, after an outburst, can pause, recognize the impulse that drove it, and feel a pang of regret. They understand that this regrettable behavior doesn't define their entire being, but it is a sign of an internal battle that needs attention.

The instruction to "regard yourself as wicked" serves as a potent antidote to spiritual complacency. If you truly believe you've arrived, that you're a perfect tzaddik, you stop growing. You might become self-righteous, detached from the struggles of others, and dismissive of your own potential for error. The benoni, however, remains grounded. They understand that even their good deeds can be tinged with unconscious ego or a desire for recognition. This self-awareness, this humble acknowledgment of their ongoing struggle, is what keeps them open to learning, to apologizing, and to evolving.

This is where the concept of "meaning" truly comes alive. The meaning isn't found in a perfect score, but in the journey of refinement. It's in the willingness to acknowledge our imperfections, to learn from our missteps, and to continually strive to embody our higher values. The benoni embraces this process. They understand that true spiritual progress is about growth, not about reaching an unattainable state of perfection.

The Tanya's emphasis on the benoni as the active participant in the internal tug-of-war offers a profound message of hope and empowerment. It tells us that our everyday struggles, our moments of doubt and temptation, are not signs of failure but the very ground upon which spiritual growth is built. This matters because it allows us to engage with life, with our families, and with our own inner lives with a sense of realistic optimism, recognizing that even in our imperfections, we are engaged in a deeply meaningful and sacred endeavor.

Low-Lift Ritual

Let's bring this powerful insight into your week with a simple, yet profound, practice. We’re going to call it the "Moment of the Two Souls." This ritual is designed to help you become more aware of the internal dynamics the Tanya describes, without any pressure to be perfect.

Here’s how it works:

The Ritual: The "Moment of the Two Souls"

1. Choose a "Trigger Moment": This could be any recurring situation where you often feel a pull between a more constructive/aligned action and a less constructive/self-serving one. Examples include:
   • Checking your phone during a conversation with a loved one.
   • Feeling tempted to complain about a minor inconvenience.
   • Considering a quick, slightly dishonest answer to a question.
   • Feeling a surge of annoyance or judgment towards someone.
   • Procrastinating on a task you know you should be doing.
2. The "Pause and Notice" (≤ 2 Minutes): The next time you find yourself in that chosen "trigger moment," or just before you act on the less constructive impulse, pause for a brief moment. You don't need to stop everything or have a deep meditation. Just a conscious, gentle pause.
3. The "Two-Soul Question": In that pause, ask yourself, with genuine curiosity and without judgment:
   • "Which 'soul' is prompting me right now?"
   • "Is this impulse coming from the part of me that wants to connect, grow, and do good, or from the part that's driven by immediate comfort, ego, or avoidance?"
4. The "Gentle Choice": Based on your brief awareness, make the choice that feels most aligned with your deeper values, even if it's the harder one. If you choose the less constructive path, that's okay! The goal is awareness, not immediate perfection. Simply notice the choice you made. If you choose the more constructive path, acknowledge that with a quiet sense of accomplishment.

Why this matters:

This ritual isn't about judging yourself. It's about building the muscle of self-awareness, which is the foundation of the benoni's power. By pausing and asking the "Two-Soul Question," you're actively engaging with the internal dynamics the Tanya describes. You're not letting your impulses run on autopilot. You're creating a small space for conscious choice. This practice helps you recognize the subtle influences shaping your decisions, allowing you to steer yourself more intentionally towards the life and values you aspire to. It's a low-stakes way to practice the high-stakes art of spiritual navigation.

Try this at least once or twice this week. Notice what happens. No need to analyze it deeply or feel pressured. Just practice the pause.

Chevruta Mini

To deepen our exploration, let's engage in a brief chevruta (study partnership) exercise. Imagine you're discussing these ideas with a friend:

Question 1: The "You're Doing Great!" Paradox

The Tanya says that even if the whole world tells you you're righteous, you should still see yourself as wicked. If you're an adult today, and you've been working hard on being a good person – perhaps you're a supportive friend, a dedicated employee, or a caring family member – how does this seemingly harsh instruction feel? Does it feel like a criticism, or can you see how it might actually protect you from spiritual complacency and encourage continued growth?

Question 2: The Benoni in Action

The text suggests that the benoni is the one actively managing the internal struggle between their "divine soul" and their "other soul." Can you recall a recent situation in your adult life (at work, with family, or in a personal decision) where you felt this internal tug-of-war? What was the situation, and what did it feel like to be in that "intermediate" space, even if you didn't have the language for it at the time?

Takeaway

You weren't wrong to feel that Hebrew school was complex, sometimes even contradictory. The wisdom embedded in these ancient texts is incredibly nuanced, and often, the simplest interpretation misses the most profound depths. The Tanya's discussion of the benoni isn't about a spiritual grading system; it's a powerful map for navigating the messy, beautiful reality of adult life. It teaches us that true spiritual progress isn't about achieving a state of perfect righteousness, but about the ongoing, conscious effort to align our actions with our highest values, even when faced with internal challenges. By embracing the benoni within, we find not shame, but freedom, meaning, and the enduring strength to continue growing, one mindful moment at a time. The journey itself is the sacred destination.