Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 1:13

As a gentle ritual guide, I invite you to step into a sacred space of remembrance, reflection, and the quiet unfolding of legacy. Today, we turn our hearts towards the profound and intricate tapestry of a life lived, embracing all its threads—the luminous and the shadowed, the striving and the resting, the seen and the unseen. This ritual is for those moments when the heart yearns to understand the full humanity of a loved one who has departed, to hold their memory not as a static image, but as a dynamic, evolving presence within us.

Hook

Welcome, beloved soul, to this sacred pause. We gather here, in the tender embrace of memory, to honor a life that has touched yours, a soul that has journeyed on. Perhaps this moment marks a Yahrzeit, an anniversary of departure, or simply a day when the currents of memory pull strongly at your heart. We come together not to deny the ache of absence, nor to rush towards a false sense of closure, but to dwell in the spaciousness of remembrance. We seek to understand, to connect, and to find meaning in the intricate dance of a human life, recognizing that every soul is a universe, complex and profound.

In the landscape of grief, we often encounter an impulse to idealize those we've lost, or conversely, to dwell on their imperfections. Yet, true remembrance calls us to a more expansive, more compassionate understanding: to embrace the full, authentic being of the departed. What if we could see their life, and indeed our own, through a lens that honors both the divine spark and the human struggle, the moments of grace and the moments of profound effort? What if we could recognize that the very act of striving, of navigating the inner landscape of challenge and choice, is itself a sacred testament to a life well-lived? This is the invitation of our time together—to move beyond simplistic judgments and into the rich, nuanced truth of a soul's journey. We explore this through ancient wisdom, allowing it to illuminate the path of remembrance and legacy.

Text Snapshot

Our guide today is a profound passage from the Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 1:13. This text, rooted in Chassidic philosophy, delves into the very essence of the human soul, offering a framework to understand our inner world and, by extension, the inner world of those we remember. It begins with a seemingly paradoxical teaching, then unveils a deeper truth about the nature of our spiritual and earthly selves.

Let us receive these words as seeds of wisdom, planted in the fertile ground of our hearts:

It has been taught: An oath is administered to him [before birth, warning him]: “Be righteous and be not wicked; and even if the whole world tells you that you are righteous, in your own eyes regard yourself as if you were wicked.”

However, the matter [will be understood after a preliminary discussion]. We find in the Gemara five distinct types—a righteous man who prospers, a righteous man who suffers, a wicked man who prospers, a wicked man who suffers, and a benoni (an intermediate person).

The explanation is to be found in the light of what Rabbi Chaim Vital wrote... that in every Jew, whether righteous or wicked, are two souls... one soul which originates in the kelipah and sitra achara... From it stem all the evil characteristics... From this soul stems also the good characteristics which are to be found in the innate nature of all Israel, such as mercy and benevolence. For in the case of Israel, this soul of the kelipah is derived from kelipat nogah, which also contains good, as it originates in the esoteric “tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.”

These lines, at first glance, might seem abstract or even challenging. Yet, within them lies a profound compassion for the human experience. The text introduces the concept of the benoni, the "intermediate person," who is not defined by a simple balance of good and bad deeds, but by a continuous, conscious struggle to direct their inner life towards good, to control their thoughts and actions. It further reveals that within each of us are "two souls": a divine soul that yearns for G-d, and an "animal soul" rooted in our physical existence, our desires, our very humanity. Crucially, for the Jewish soul, this "animal soul" is not inherently evil, but originates from kelipat nogah, a "translucent shell" that contains both good and the potential for elevation.

In the context of grief and remembrance, this teaching offers a radical and deeply comforting perspective. It allows us to honor the departed not as flawless beings, but as souls engaged in a magnificent, lifelong journey of striving—a benoni journey. It acknowledges that the person we remember was a complex blend of divine aspiration and earthly experience, and that even within their human foibles and struggles, there was a potential for good, a spark of the sacred waiting to be kindled and elevated. This understanding invites us to hold their entire being with tenderness, to see their efforts, their growth, and their unique path with profound reverence, recognizing that their legacy is not just in their perfections, but in their authentic, unfolding humanity.

Kavvanah

Our intention for this ritual, our Kavvanah, is to hold the complex tapestry of memory, recognizing the divine spark and the human journey within myself and those I remember, understanding that the striving itself is sacred.

Let us begin by finding a comfortable posture, allowing our bodies to settle. Close your eyes gently, or soften your gaze. Take a deep breath in, filling your lungs with the air of this moment, and exhale slowly, releasing any tension or distractions. Breathe in again, drawing in a sense of peace and presence, and exhale, letting go of expectations. Allow your breath to become a gentle rhythm, anchoring you to this sacred now.

Now, bring to mind the one you wish to remember today. Picture their face, recall their voice, feel their presence in your heart. As you hold them in your inner vision, let us reflect on the profound teaching of the two souls. Imagine, if you will, that within the beloved soul you remember, and indeed within your own being, there exist these two distinct, yet intertwined, currents of life force.

One is the Divine Soul, the Neshamah. This is the essence that yearns for connection, for truth, for transcendence. It is the spark of the infinite, the part of us that seeks meaning, compassion, and purpose beyond the immediate. Recall moments when your loved one expressed profound kindness, deep wisdom, unwavering faith, or an expansive love that seemed to come from an inexhaustible wellspring. These were manifestations of their Divine Soul, shining through, guiding their actions, inspiring their words. Feel the warmth of these memories, the pure light of their highest self.

Then, there is the "animal soul," or as the Tanya describes it for us, the soul originating from kelipat nogah. This is the soul rooted in our physical existence, our desires, our emotions, our very humanity. It is the part of us that experiences anger, pride, pleasure, frivolity, sloth, and melancholy, as the text outlines. But crucially, for us, this kelipat nogah also contains good—it is a translucent shell, capable of being refined and elevated. It is the raw material of our earthly journey, full of potential. Think of your loved one's passions, their unique quirks, their earthly joys, their struggles with patience, their moments of frustration, their need for comfort, their physical drives. These were expressions of their animal soul, the very fabric of their human experience. Notice how these aspects were not inherently "bad," but were part of their unique personality, their individual way of navigating this world.

The genius of the benoni lies in understanding that these two souls are not meant to be separated or for one to annihilate the other. Rather, the path of the benoni is about conscious control and direction. It is the constant, moment-by-moment effort of the Divine Soul to govern and elevate the animal soul. It's not about never feeling anger, but about choosing not to act on it destructively. It's not about denying pleasure, but about elevating it to a sacred experience. The benoni is the one whose mind is always in control, whose conscious intention is always directed towards G-d, even if the "animal soul" still feels its pull. This person, though they may still experience internal struggles, does not allow these struggles to translate into action that transgresses. Their internal world is a battlefield, but their external actions are consistently aligned with goodness.

Now, let us apply this understanding to the one you remember. As you hold their image, consider their life through this lens. Recall instances where you witnessed their internal struggle, where you saw them choose kindness over anger, patience over frustration, generosity over self-interest. These were their benoni moments, their sacred acts of striving. It is in these efforts, these conscious choices to elevate their earthly nature, that their true legacy shines. It is not just the grand achievements, but the daily, quiet acts of self-mastery, the continuous turning of the heart towards light, that define the benoni.

Think also of the "oath" administered before birth: "Be righteous and be not wicked." This is not a demand for instant perfection, but an infusion of inherent potential, a sacred mission woven into the very fabric of the soul. It is the understanding that every soul comes into this world with an intrinsic capacity for goodness, a deep-seated drive towards righteousness, even amidst the complexities of human existence. Your loved one came with this oath, this divine endowment. Their life was a testament to their efforts to fulfill this oath, in their own unique way, through their own unique blend of divine and animal souls.

In our own grief, we too walk a benoni path. We may feel the pull of despair, the inertia of melancholy (elements of the "earth" in the animal soul), or the fiery anger of injustice. Yet, our Divine Soul calls us to find meaning, to connect, to heal, to carry forward love. To be a benoni in grief means to acknowledge the pain without letting it consume us, to feel the sorrow while still choosing acts of remembrance, connection, and even joy. It means directing our minds and hearts towards healing and legacy, even when our emotions feel heavy.

Allow this understanding to bring a sense of spaciousness and compassion to your memory. Release any need to judge or categorize their life into simple "good" or "bad." Instead, see them as a magnificent, dynamic soul, constantly striving, constantly evolving, embodying the intricate dance of the two souls. Their humanity, in all its facets, was sacred because of the inherent potential for good within even the most earthly parts of their being, and their continuous effort to elevate it.

May this Kavvanah allow you to hold the memory of your loved one with profound love, acceptance, and reverence, recognizing the sacred striving that defined their journey and continues to inspire yours.

Practice

The path of remembrance is not merely intellectual; it is deeply embodied. These practices are offered as gentle invitations to engage with the wisdom of the Tanya on a visceral, heartfelt level, allowing the insights of the "two souls" and the benoni to illuminate your personal journey of grief and legacy. Choose the practice that resonates most deeply with you in this moment, or feel free to adapt any of them to suit your needs. Remember, there are no "shoulds," only invitations.

Practice 1: The Dual Flame & The Benoni's Balance (Candle Ritual)

This ritual symbolizes the two souls within us and the continuous striving of the benoni to bring balance and elevation. Fire, in many traditions, represents the soul, transformation, and divine presence. Here, two flames allow us to visually embody the interplay of our spiritual and earthly essences.

Materials Needed:

• Two candles (you might choose two different colors to visually distinguish the souls, or simply two white candles)
• Matches or a lighter
• A quiet, safe space where the candles can burn undisturbed
• Optional: A small journal or paper and pen for reflection

Instructions:

1. Setting the Sacred Space (5-7 minutes):

   • Find a quiet corner where you can be undisturbed. Place your two candles before you.
   • Take a few deep, grounding breaths. Inhale slowly through your nose, feeling your belly rise, and exhale gently through your mouth, releasing any tension. Repeat this three times.
   • As you breathe, bring your awareness to the person you are remembering. Feel their presence gently in your heart space.
   • Articulate your intention for this ritual: "I light these flames to honor [Name]'s full being, to recognize the sacred striving of their two souls, and to embrace the path of the benoni in their memory and in my own life."

2. Lighting the First Flame: The Earthly Soul's Glow (7-10 minutes):

   • Take one of the candles. As you light it, let it represent the "animal soul" or the soul from kelipat nogah – the part of your loved one that was deeply human, connected to the physical world, their personality, their struggles, and their unique character.
   • As this flame flickers, gently recall specific aspects of their earthly life:
     • Their Passions & Pleasures (Water element): What brought them joy? What did they pursue with enthusiasm? (e.g., a love for gardening, delicious food, music, a particular hobby). Acknowledge these as vital parts of their being.
     • Their Quirks & Personality (Air element): What were their unique mannerisms, their sense of humor, their way of communicating? (e.g., their infectious laugh, their tendency to tell long stories, their quick wit).
     • Their Challenges & Human Imperfections (Earth/Fire elements): With compassion, recall moments of their struggle, their frustrations, their areas of growth, perhaps even moments when they wrestled with anger, impatience, or melancholy. These are not flaws to be judged, but aspects of their human journey, their kelipat nogah striving for refinement.
   • Speak these memories aloud if you feel comfortable, or hold them silently in your heart. Recognize that even within these earthly, human aspects, there was a potential for good, a spark that could be elevated. This is the essence of kelipat nogah—a shell that contains good, capable of being transformed.
   • Reflect: "This flame holds the warmth of [Name]'s earthly presence, their unique character, their joys, and their human journey of growth."

3. Lighting the Second Flame: The Divine Soul's Radiance (7-10 minutes):

   • Now, take the second candle. As you light it from the first flame, or separately, let it represent the "Divine Soul" (Neshamah) of your loved one – their inherent goodness, their highest aspirations, their deep connection to something beyond themselves.
   • As this second flame glows, recall specific instances that illuminated their divine spark:
     • Their Acts of Kindness & Compassion (Good from Kelipat Nogah/Divine Soul): When did they show profound empathy, generosity, or unconditional love? (e.g., helping a stranger, comforting a friend, offering wise counsel).
     • Their Pursuit of Truth & Meaning (Divine Soul): What were their spiritual beliefs, their ethical commitments, their intellectual curiosity, their search for deeper understanding? (e.g., their dedication to justice, their love for learning, their moments of prayer or meditation).
     • Their Resilience & Inner Strength (Divine Soul guiding Animal Soul): How did they overcome adversity, make difficult but righteous choices, or persist in pursuing what was good, even when it was challenging? These are moments where their divine soul guided their animal soul.
   • Speak these memories aloud or hold them silently. Recognize that this flame represents the enduring, transcendent essence of who they were, their connection to the infinite.
   • Reflect: "This flame radiates the light of [Name]'s divine essence, their inherent goodness, their highest aspirations, and their eternal spirit."

4. Observing the Combined Light: The Benoni's Balance (5-7 minutes):

   • Now, observe the two flames burning together. Notice their individual dances, yet how their light merges to create a single, unified glow.
   • This combined light symbolizes the benoni—the integrated being. It is not about one flame extinguishing the other, but about the Divine Soul illuminating and guiding the earthly soul, transforming its raw potential into acts of goodness and meaning.
   • Consider: How did your loved one, in their unique way, strive to integrate these two aspects? How did their divine aspirations influence their earthly choices? How did their human experiences become vessels for their deeper purpose?
   • Allow yourself to simply be present with this imagery. This is not about achieving perfection, but about the continuous, conscious effort to align with one's highest self. This is the sacred striving that defines a life.
   • In this light, embrace the full, authentic being of your loved one, acknowledging that their journey was a beautiful, complex dance of these two souls.

5. Closing the Ritual (3-5 minutes):

   • Take a final deep breath, absorbing the warmth and wisdom of the flames.
   • Offer a silent prayer or a heartfelt intention: "May the memory of [Name]'s full being, their divine spark, and their human striving, continue to illuminate my path and inspire me to walk my own benoni journey with compassion and purpose."
   • Gently extinguish the candles, perhaps one at a time, or both together, knowing that their light now resides within your heart.
   • If you wish, jot down any thoughts, feelings, or insights that arose during this practice in your journal.

Practice 2: Weaving the Tapestry: Naming & Storytelling

This practice invites you to actively weave the stories of your loved one's life, not just focusing on their "good deeds," but on the authentic efforts, the human struggles, and the moments of choice that reveal their benoni journey. It's about recognizing the sacredness in their striving.

Materials Needed:

• A journal or several sheets of paper
• A pen or colored pencils
• Optional: Photos or mementos of the departed to inspire memories

Instructions:

1. Preparation and Grounding (5-7 minutes):

   • Find a quiet space. Take a few deep breaths, centering yourself in the present moment.
   • Recall the name of the person you are remembering. Write their name at the very top of your page, perhaps surrounded by a gentle circle or a heart.
   • Set your intention: "I dedicate this time to authentically remember [Name], to honor their full human and divine journey, and to acknowledge the sacredness of their efforts and choices."

2. Recalling the "Oath" & Spark (10-15 minutes):

   • Reflect on the idea of the "oath administered before birth"—the inherent potential for righteousness, the unique spark, the fundamental goodness that was present in their soul from the beginning.
   • Think about the core essence of who they were at their best. What was their unique gift to the world? What quality shone most brightly when they were truly themselves?
   • Write down words or phrases that capture this inherent spark. These are not necessarily achievements, but intrinsic qualities (e.g., "a deep listener," "a seeker of truth," "a quiet strength," "a generous spirit," "a playful heart").
   • Write a short paragraph describing this core essence, as if you are describing the unadulterated "Divine Soul" aspect of them.

3. The "Benoni" Moments: Stories of Striving (20-30 minutes):

   • Now, let's explore their "intermediate" journey. The benoni is not someone whose deeds are half virtuous and half sinful, but someone whose mind consistently controls their actions, directing them towards good, even if their inner emotions or desires (from the animal soul) still pull them elsewhere. It is the conscious effort, the choice to act righteously despite internal struggle.
   • Recall specific stories or memories (they don't have to be grand, often the small moments are most revealing) where you witnessed them:
     • Choosing patience over frustration: A time they handled a difficult situation with grace, even though you knew they were stressed.
     • Extending kindness when it was hard: Offering help to someone they found challenging, or forgiving someone who had wronged them.
     • Overcoming a personal challenge: A habit they worked to change, a fear they confronted, a skill they diligently cultivated.
     • Learning from a mistake: How they acknowledged an error and genuinely tried to do better.
     • Prioritizing what was right over what was easy: Making a decision that required personal sacrifice for a greater good.
     • Cultivating a positive quality: Their sustained effort to be more generous, more present, more understanding.
   • For each memory, briefly describe the situation, their internal (or implied internal) struggle, and their conscious choice or action. Focus on the effort and the striving, not just the outcome.
   • Write these stories down. Give them space on the page.

4. The "Kelipat Nogah" Moments: Transforming the Earthly (15-20 minutes):

   • Next, reflect on the concept of kelipat nogah – the idea that even our most human, physical, and seemingly mundane aspects can contain good and be elevated. This isn't about overcoming these aspects, but about integrating them and transforming them.
   • Recall instances where their unique, earthly qualities—their specific personality traits, their physical talents, their sensory preferences, their passions—were used for good, or became a conduit for their divine spark:
     • Physicality elevated: A love for cooking that nourished others, a talent for craft that brought beauty, a strong work ethic that built something meaningful.
     • Emotions refined: Their capacity for anger, when channeled, led to passionate advocacy for justice; their melancholy, when understood, led to deep empathy for others' suffering.
     • Unique personality as a gift: Their quirky sense of humor that brought lightness to difficult times, their particular way of seeing the world that offered new perspectives.
   • Write these stories down. How did their unique "humanness" become a vehicle for their goodness?

5. Weaving It Together & Reflection (10-15 minutes):

   • Read through everything you've written. See the complete, authentic person: the inherent spark, the daily striving of the benoni, and the beautiful ways their earthly self was woven into their higher purpose.
   • Notice how these different threads create a rich and true tapestry of their life. This is not an idealized version, nor a critical one, but a compassionate and expansive view of their full humanity.
   • Journaling Prompt: "In what ways did [Name] embody the constant striving of the benoni? What qualities did they cultivate from their unique kelipat nogah? How does seeing their full, complex journey deepen my understanding and appreciation of them?"
   • Allow yourself to feel the tenderness and reverence for the life you have just honored. Their legacy is not just in their perfections, but in their authentic, unfolding journey.

Practice 3: Legacy of Striving: Tzedakah or Action

This practice connects the internal striving of the benoni to outward action, transforming memory into a living legacy. It acknowledges that our loved ones continue to inspire us to bring more light and goodness into the world, elevating the physical realm through conscious choice, just as the benoni elevates their animal soul.

Materials Needed:

• A quiet space for reflection
• Optional: Access to a computer or phone for research/action

Instructions:

1. Centering and Connection (5-7 minutes):

   • Find a quiet place to sit. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, bringing your awareness to the memory of your loved one.
   • Feel their presence, their spirit, their unique energy surrounding you.
   • Recall the concept of the benoni – the soul whose intention and actions are consistently directed towards goodness, even if inner struggles persist. This is a soul that actively works to make the world a better place, one choice at a time.

2. Identifying a Quality or Struggle (10-15 minutes):

   • Reflect on your loved one's life through the lens of the benoni and kelipat nogah.
   • Consider their unique qualities: What was a characteristic they consistently tried to embody or develop? (e.g., resilience, generosity, intellectual curiosity, advocacy for the vulnerable, artistic expression, community building).
   • Consider their significant struggles or passions: Was there a cause they deeply cared about? A challenge they personally faced and overcame, or helped others overcome? (e.g., environmental protection, education, mental health awareness, supporting a particular art form, fighting for social justice).
   • Choose one quality, cause, or struggle that resonates most strongly with you in this moment, something that feels like a core part of their benoni journey.

3. Connecting to Your Own Striving (7-10 minutes):

   • How does this particular quality or cause of your loved one resonate with your own life, your own values, or your current experience of grief?
   • Perhaps their resilience inspires your own journey through loss. Perhaps their passion for justice ignites a similar spark within you. Perhaps their battle with an illness moves you to support related research.
   • Acknowledge that carrying forward their legacy is also a part of your own benoni path – your conscious choice to transform grief into meaningful action.

4. Choosing a Tangible Action (15-20 minutes):

   • Now, select a specific, tangible action, large or small, that honors this identified quality or cause. The key is that it's an action you can take, reflecting the benoni's commitment to conscious choice. This is about transforming the abstract into the concrete.
   • Here are some options; choose what feels authentic and manageable for you:
     • Tzedakah (Charitable Giving):
       • Donate to a charity they supported or that aligns with their values/struggles (e.g., a mental health organization if they struggled with mental health, an arts foundation if they were an artist, a local food bank if they championed the poor).
       • Consider a recurring donation, as a continuous act of remembrance.
     • Learning & Growth (Talmud Torah):
       • Study a text they loved, or delve into a subject they were passionate about.
       • Enroll in a class or read a book that expands your knowledge in an area they valued (e.g., a history course, a foreign language, a specific craft).
       • Dedicate a specific learning session in their memory.
     • Acts of Kindness (G'milut Chassadim):
       • Perform a specific act of kindness for someone else, without expecting anything in return, reflecting their benevolence.
       • Volunteer your time for a cause they believed in.
       • Reach out to someone in need of comfort or support, embodying their compassionate spirit.
     • Creative Expression:
       • If they were creative, create something in their memory (e.g., a poem, a piece of art, a song).
       • If they loved nature, plant a tree or tend a garden in their honor.
     • Advocacy & Awareness:
       • Write a letter, make a phone call, or share information on social media to advocate for a cause they championed.
       • Participate in a walk or event that raises awareness for an issue important to them.
   • Make your choice specific and actionable. "I will donate $X to [Organization]" or "I will spend 30 minutes reading [Book] in their memory" or "I will bake cookies for a neighbor who is struggling this week."

5. Intention Setting and Action (5-7 minutes):

   • Before you perform the action, articulate your intention aloud or silently: "In loving memory of [Name], and in recognition of their journey as a benoni striving for goodness, I undertake this act of [your chosen action] to honor their spirit, elevate their legacy, and bring more light into the world. May this action be a testament to the enduring power of their life and an expression of my continued love."
   • Now, take a moment to carry out or plan the immediate next step of your chosen action.
   • Reflect on how this concrete action connects you to their legacy and empowers your own path forward, transforming grief into purposeful living.

Community

Grief, while deeply personal, is rarely meant to be carried alone. In the spirit of the benoni and the interconnectedness of souls, community offers a vital lifeline—a space for shared remembrance, mutual support, and the collective elevation of memory. When we share our stories, our struggles, and our intentions with others, we not only lighten our own load but also amplify the light of the departed's legacy. This section offers ways to both include others in your remembrance and to seek or offer support, honoring the full, complex tapestry of grief within a communal setting.

Ways to Include Others in Remembrance

Inviting others to participate in acts of remembrance can be profoundly healing. It allows for a multi-faceted view of the departed, reflecting the myriad ways their "two souls" touched different people.

1. Sharing "Benoni" Stories Gathering

Organize a gathering, whether in person or virtually, where the focus is not just on eulogizing the departed's accomplishments, but on sharing authentic stories of their human journey. Encourage participants to recall moments of striving, resilience, kindness chosen amidst difficulty, and growth through challenges. This creates a space that normalizes imperfection and celebrates effort, recognizing the benoni path in their life.

• Logistics: Choose a comfortable setting. Keep it intimate or open, as feels right for your family/friends. You might start with a brief introduction to the concept of the benoni (as explored in our text) to set the tone.
• Sample Language for Invitation: "Dearest friends and family, As we continue to hold [Name]'s memory in our hearts, we invite you to a special evening of shared remembrance on [Date] at [Time/Location/Video Link]. Beyond their accomplishments, we hope to share stories of their full and beautiful journey – moments when they showed incredible effort, resilience, growth, and chose kindness even when it was hard. These are the stories that reflect the deep human striving within us all, what ancient wisdom calls the 'benoni' path. Please come prepared to share a brief story or memory that illustrates [Name]'s unique spirit and their path of becoming. It could be a moment of quiet strength, a time they overcame a challenge, or an act of compassion that resonated deeply with you. Your authentic memories will help us weave an even richer tapestry of their life. We look forward to holding space with you."

2. Collective Tzedakah Project

Extend the practice of action and legacy to the community. Choose a charity, cause, or community project that resonated deeply with the departed's values or life experiences, and invite others to contribute collectively. This transforms individual grief into a powerful, shared act of elevation.

• Logistics: Identify a specific organization or project. Provide clear instructions on how to contribute (e.g., a specific donation link, a collection point for items, a date for a volunteer effort).
• Sample Language for Outreach: "In honor of [Name]'s memory, and inspired by their profound commitment to [cause/value, e.g., 'environmental conservation' or 'supporting local artists'], we are organizing a collective tzedakah (charitable action) initiative. [Name] embodied the spirit of the 'benoni,' constantly striving to bring more good into the world, and they deeply believed in [cause/value]. To continue their legacy, we invite you to join us in supporting [Organization/Project Name], which [briefly explain how it connects to the departed's values]. You can contribute by [specific action, e.g., 'donating directly through this link: [link]' or 'volunteering with us on [date]']. Every act, big or small, magnifies the light of their memory and extends their impact in the world. Thank you for helping us honor [Name]'s beautiful spirit and living legacy."

Ways to Ask for and Offer Support

Grief often involves an internal battle between the pull towards isolation (an aspect of the "animal soul's" self-preservation or melancholy) and the yearning for connection (a facet of the "G-dly soul's" desire for relationship). Learning to ask for support, and to offer it with sensitivity, is a vital part of navigating this benoni journey in grief.

1. Asking for Support: Embracing Your "Benoni" in Grief

It can be incredibly challenging to articulate what you need in grief, especially when your own internal landscape feels contradictory. Here's gentle language you can adapt to reach out, acknowledging the complexity of your experience without needing to have all the answers.

• To a close friend/family member: "I'm finding myself navigating a lot of different emotions right now – moments of strength, and moments of real struggle. It feels like my heart is pulled in so many directions. If you have a moment, I'd appreciate a gentle check-in, or just to know you're thinking of me. No pressure to fix anything, just to be present."
• When you need a specific memory: "Sometimes it feels hard to connect with the 'good' or purposeful part of myself in this grief, especially with all the ups and downs. Would you be willing to share a memory of [Name] that reminds you of their inherent goodness, their striving, or a time they truly embodied their best self? It would help me reconnect with that light."
• When you feel overwhelmed by a legacy project: "I'm really trying to find ways to honor [Name]'s legacy through action, but I feel a bit overwhelmed by the task, even though my heart truly wants to do it. Do you have any ideas, or would you be willing to help me brainstorm for a little while, or even help with a small part of it?"
• When you simply need company: "My 'animal soul' is pulling me towards quiet solitude, but my 'G-dly soul' is yearning for a gentle connection. Would you be open to a quiet walk, or sharing a cup of tea, without needing to talk much, just to be?"

2. Offering Support: Holding Space for the "Two Souls"

When offering support, remember the complexity of the grieving person's "two souls." Avoid platitudes and focus on genuine presence and practical, unconditional offers of help.

• Acknowledging their complex experience: "I'm thinking of you, and I know grief can be full of many different feelings, sometimes contradictory. Please know I'm holding space for all of it – the tears, the laughter, the quiet moments, the frustration. No need to respond, just wanted you to know."
• Offering a listening ear without judgment: "If you're finding yourself in a moment of struggle, reflection, or even just feeling the internal pull of different emotions, please know I'm here to listen without judgment. I don't need to offer advice, just to hear what's on your heart."
• Proposing a tangible act of kindness (inspired by kelipat nogah's potential for good): "In honor of [Name]'s memory, I'd like to do a small act of kindness for you this week. Is there a meal I could drop off, an errand I could run, or simply a quiet visit I could offer?"
• Inviting shared remembrance: "I was just thinking about [Name] today and how they truly embodied [a specific quality, e.g., 'resilience in the face of challenges']. I'd love to hear a story from you about how you saw them live out their striving. It helps me to remember them through many lenses."

By intentionally engaging with community, both in shared remembrance and mutual support, we honor the truth that no soul journeys entirely alone. We weave a stronger, more compassionate fabric of connection, allowing the light of the departed's memory to shine brighter through our collective embrace.

Takeaway

As we gently conclude this ritual, may you carry with you the profound understanding that a life, in its authentic entirety, is a magnificent tapestry woven from both the divine and the human, the aspirational and the earthly. The wisdom of the Tanya invites us to embrace the concept of the benoni—not as an average, but as a paradigm of conscious striving, of continuous effort to align our actions with our highest intentions, even amidst the inevitable internal pulls of our complex inner landscape.

When we remember our loved ones through this lens, we offer them the most compassionate and authentic form of honor. We release the need to idealize them into unattainable perfection or to diminish them by their human struggles. Instead, we see them as souls on a sacred journey, constantly engaged in the beautiful dance of elevating their kelipat nogah, transforming their earthly experiences into vessels for goodness, and striving to fulfill the inherent "oath" of their birth. Their legacy, then, is not merely in their accomplishments, but in their efforts, their choices, their growth, and their unwavering spirit of becoming.

And in our own journey of grief, this wisdom serves as a gentle guide. Grief itself is a profound benoni experience—a continuous striving to find meaning amidst loss, to choose connection over isolation, to cultivate hope without denying pain. We, too, are called to direct our minds and hearts towards healing and legacy, allowing the divine spark within us to illuminate our path forward, transforming even the most challenging aspects of our human experience.

May you continue to hold the complex, beautiful, and utterly sacred memory of your loved one, knowing that their spirit lives on, inspiring your own continuous journey of growth, compassion, and purpose. The path of remembrance is one of continuous unfolding, a testament to the enduring power of love that transcends all boundaries.