Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 1:13

Hook

At times, the journey of remembrance feels clear, a path illuminated by cherished memories. Yet, often, it is a landscape of complex emotions, where shadows mingle with light, and questions linger in the quiet spaces of the heart. We stand at the threshold of remembering a life – not as a flawless portrait, but as a living, breathing tapestry woven with threads of joy and sorrow, strength and vulnerability, aspiration and struggle.

Perhaps you find yourself grappling with the memory of someone whose life, like all human lives, was perfectly imperfect. Or perhaps you reflect on your own journey through grief, recognizing your own moments of striving and stumble. We may yearn to distill a life into simple categories – "good" or "bad," "righteous" or "wicked" – especially when navigating the profound ache of absence. Yet, the human spirit defies such neat definitions, and memory, in its truest form, calls us to embrace the whole, often contradictory, story.

This ritual is an invitation to inhabit that spacious middle ground, to honor the full spectrum of a life lived, and to recognize the enduring essence that shines even through the most human of struggles. It is for those moments when remembrance asks for more than platitudes, when it calls for a compassionate understanding of the rich, intricate tapestry that each soul weaves in its time on earth. We gather today to sit with the complexity, to find meaning not in perfection, but in the ongoing, sacred dance of a soul’s journey, and to hold ourselves, and those we remember, with profound grace.

Text Snapshot

From Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 1:13:

We find in the Gemara five distinct types—a righteous man who prospers, a righteous man who suffers, a wicked man who prospers, a wicked man who suffers, and a benoni (an intermediate person)…

The explanation [of the questions raised above] is to be found in the light of what Rabbi Chaim Vital wrote… that in every Jew, whether righteous or wicked, are two souls…

There is one soul which originates in the kelipah and sitra achara, [and] which is clothed in the blood of a human being, giving life to the body… From this soul stems also the good characteristics which are to be found in the innate nature of all Israel, such as mercy and benevolence. For in the case of Israel, this soul of the kelipah is derived from kelipat nogah, which also contains good…

Kavvanah

To hold an intention (a kavvanah) during a ritual is to align our inner landscape with a deeper truth, to infuse our actions with sacred purpose. Today, as we enter this space of remembrance, our kavvanah invites us to step beyond simplistic judgments and embrace the profound complexity of the human soul, both in the one we remember and within ourselves. We draw wisdom from the Tanya, which offers us not a rigid categorization of souls, but a pathway to compassionate understanding.

The Tanya introduces us to the idea of the benoni, the "intermediate person." This is not a person whose deeds are half virtuous and half sinful, a mere balance sheet of good and bad. Rather, the benoni is someone perpetually engaged in an inner spiritual battle, whose "evil nature is subservient to his good nature." This means the benoni is a spiritual warrior, constantly striving, never letting the lower impulses fully dominate. It is a state of dynamic effort, of ongoing choice and intention, rather than a static achievement. To be a benoni is to be on the path, to be eternally engaged in the work of aligning oneself with goodness, even amidst struggle. This understanding offers a profound lens through which to view the lives of our loved ones, and indeed, our own. It allows us to honor the journey, the constant effort, the striving that defines so much of human existence, rather than fixating solely on outcomes or perceived perfection.

This understanding is further deepened by the Tanya's teaching about the "two souls" within every Jew. One is the divine soul, a spark of pure holiness, yearning for connection and truth. The other is the "animal soul," which originates in the kelipah (spiritual husks or shells) and animates the body. This animal soul is the source of our earthly drives, desires, and even our less noble inclinations, stemming from the elements of fire (anger, pride), water (appetite for pleasure), air (frivolity, boasting), and earth (sloth, melancholy).

However, and this is crucial for our kavvanah today, for the people of Israel, this animal soul does not come from the "unclean kelipot" that contain no good. Instead, it emanates from kelipat nogah, a "radiant husk" that also contains good. This means that even within our most earthly, physical, and potentially challenging aspects, there is an inherent spark of goodness, a capacity for mercy, benevolence, and compassion. Even the soul that gives life to the body, that experiences all the human passions and struggles, carries within it a predisposition towards kindness and connection.

Therefore, our kavvanah for this ritual is:

To compassionately hold the memory of [Name of the person you are remembering, or "the one I remember"] not as a static image, but as a dynamic, striving soul, a benoni engaged in the profound dance of their two souls. To honor their full, complex tapestry of life – their inherent goodness, their acts of mercy and benevolence stemming from kelipat nogah, and their human struggles and imperfections rooted in their earthly nature – with understanding, forgiveness, and unconditional love. To recognize that their true essence, a divine spark intertwined with the good within their earthly soul, remains eternally vibrant, and to find self-compassion for my own benoni journey through grief.

This intention allows us to release the burden of needing our loved ones to have been perfect, or for our own grief to be a flawless expression. It invites us to witness the whole person – their light and their shadow, their triumphs and their trials – and to see in their human journey a reflection of the universal human striving for meaning and goodness. It reminds us that even when they stumbled, even when they struggled, an inherent goodness, a capacity for mercy and benevolence, was an intrinsic part of their being. This kavvanah empowers us to remember them authentically, to learn from their full story, and to carry forward their legacy not as an idealized myth, but as a real and vibrant testament to a life lived in the ongoing pursuit of their highest self.

Practice

The "Two Stories" of a Striving Soul

In the spirit of embracing the complexity of the benoni and the "two souls" within each person, our practice today invites you into a profound and gentle act of storytelling. This is not about judgment, nor about forcing a particular narrative, but about creating spaciousness in your heart to hold the fullness of the one you remember. It acknowledges that a life is never just one thing, and that true remembrance thrives in the rich tapestry of both light and shadow, struggle and grace.

Preparation: Find a quiet space where you will not be disturbed. You might wish to light a candle, place a photograph or a meaningful object belonging to the person you are remembering nearby. Take a few deep, grounding breaths. Settle into your body, feeling the earth beneath you, the air around you. Allow your heart to open, gently, to whatever memories arise. There is no right or wrong feeling here, only an invitation to witness.

Micro-Practice: Weaving the Tapestry of a Life (15-minute guided reflection)

Set a gentle timer for 15 minutes, if you wish. This practice can be done in silence, through journaling, or by speaking aloud to yourself.

Story 1: The Soul of Aspiration and Connection (5-7 minutes)

Begin by focusing on the divine spark, the inherent goodness, the "good characteristics" stemming even from kelipat nogah – the mercy, benevolence, and striving that resided within the one you remember.

• Reflect on moments when [Name] shone with their unique light. What were their genuine acts of kindness, compassion, or generosity? Think of times when they extended mercy, offered comfort, or showed profound understanding to others or to you. These are the manifestations of the "good within kelipat nogah."
• Recall their deepest aspirations, their innate yearnings for truth, beauty, or connection. What did they truly care about? What values did they embody, even imperfectly? These are glimpses of their divine soul, seeking to express itself in the world.
• Remember their unique gifts, their laughter, their passions, their moments of pure joy or inspiration. How did they bring light into your life or the lives of others? These are the vibrant threads of their essence, the very reasons they are cherished.
• Notice the feeling in your body as you recall these memories. Allow gratitude, warmth, or a gentle sense of connection to arise. This story honors their enduring spirit, their capacity for good, and the preciousness of their being.

Story 2: The Soul of Human Struggle and Earthly Embodiment (5-7 minutes)

Now, gently shift your focus to the aspects of their humanity that were more challenging, the "elements" of the animal soul that brought struggle, perhaps even pain. This is not about judgment, but about compassionate acknowledgment of their full journey as a benoni.

• Think of moments when [Name] struggled with their human nature. This could be expressions of anger or pride (fire), an appetite for pleasures that caused imbalance (water), moments of frivolity or idle talk (air), or periods of sloth or melancholy (earth).
• Recall instances where their imperfections were evident, where they stumbled, or where their actions caused difficulty, either for themselves or for others. This requires courage and a spacious heart. Remember the Tanya's teaching: the benoni is always engaged in this internal battle, never letting the "evil nature" fully dominate, but the struggle is real and present.
• Consider how these struggles shaped them, and perhaps even led to moments of growth, repentance, or deeper understanding, even if unseen by you. How did they navigate their own challenges? What did they learn, or what might they have been learning, in those moments of difficulty?
• Notice the feelings that arise as you recall these memories. It might be sadness, regret, frustration, or even a sense of release. Hold these feelings without judgment. This story acknowledges their full humanity, their journey as a benoni constantly striving, and helps to release the burden of idealization.

Weaving the Tapestry: Holding Both Stories (Remaining time)

Now, bring these two stories together in your mind's eye. Visualize them as two distinct, yet intimately interwoven, threads in the magnificent tapestry of [Name]'s life.

• See how the divine spark and the inherent good within their earthly soul were always present, even when they struggled. The benoni is not defined by the absence of struggle, but by the presence of striving.
• Recognize that these two aspects were not separate entities, but integral parts of the same unique soul. The person you remember was not an angel one day and a demon the next; they were a complex, dynamic being, a benoni in constant motion, embodying both their highest aspirations and their earthly challenges.
• Consider how this holistic understanding transforms your memory. Does it bring a deeper sense of compassion, forgiveness, or acceptance? Does it allow for a more authentic and truthful remembrance?
• Extend this same compassion to yourself. In your own grief, you too are a benoni, navigating complex emotions, striving for healing, sometimes stumbling, sometimes shining. Honor your own process with the same gentleness.

This practice is an ongoing invitation. Some days, one story will feel more present than the other. Some days, the weaving will feel more seamless. Allow it to unfold naturally, knowing that each time you engage, you are deepening your connection to the true, multi-faceted essence of the one you remember, and finding greater wholeness within your own grieving heart.

Community

Grief, while deeply personal, is rarely meant to be carried in isolation. The wisdom of the Tanya, in inviting us to embrace the complexity of the benoni and the "two souls," offers a profound pathway for community to support remembrance in a way that is both honest and deeply compassionate. We can move beyond the tendency to sanitize memories or to dwell only on what was difficult, creating a shared space where the full, rich tapestry of a life is honored.

The "Circle of Shared Benoni-ness": A Tapestry of Authentic Remembrance

This practice invites you to gather with a small, trusted circle of friends or family who also knew the person you are remembering. The intention is not to air grievances or to judge, but to collectively weave a more complete and loving tapestry of their life, fostering deeper connection and shared understanding.

How to Facilitate:

1. Set a Sacred Intention: Begin by explaining the concept of the benoni and the "two souls" from the Tanya – that every person is a complex being, constantly striving, with inherent good even amidst earthly struggles. Emphasize that the purpose of this gathering is to hold the full humanity of the person with compassion, not to idealize or condemn. You might read aloud the "Text Snapshot" and your "Kavvanah" from this ritual.
2. Shared Invitation: Invite each person in the circle (including yourself) to share two distinct memories of the person being remembered:
   • Memory of Aspiration & Connection: One memory that highlights their inherent goodness, their acts of kindness, mercy, benevolence, their unique spark, their deepest aspirations, or a time when they truly shone. This speaks to their divine soul and the good within their kelipat nogah.
   • Memory of Human Struggle & Growth: One memory that gently acknowledges a human challenge, an imperfection, a struggle they faced, or a time when their "earthly elements" were more evident (e.g., a moment of frustration, a perceived flaw, a difficult period). Crucially, frame this memory with compassion and curiosity, perhaps asking: "What might they have been learning in that moment?" or "How did this struggle shape them, or reveal their resilience?" This speaks to their benoni journey, their ongoing internal battle.
3. Active Listening & Compassionate Witnessing: As each person shares, the others listen without interruption or judgment. The goal is to witness, to receive, and to allow the collective memory to deepen and expand. There is no need to correct or debate; simply to absorb the multifaceted nature of the person.
4. Weaving the Tapestry: After everyone has shared, take a moment of silence. Invite participants to visualize all these memories – the bright and the challenging – as threads of different colors and textures, all woven together to create the unique and beautiful tapestry of [Name]'s life. This collective image, richer and more nuanced than any single perspective, can be incredibly healing and affirming.
5. Offer Support and Grace: Conclude by acknowledging the vulnerability and courage it takes to share so authentically. Remind everyone that the person they loved was a complete being, a benoni on their own sacred journey, and that holding this complexity allows for a more profound and enduring love. Offer support to one another in continuing to carry this rich memory forward.

This "Circle of Shared Benoni-ness" provides a safe and sacred space to move beyond simplified eulogies or painful silences. It models compassion for the whole person, fosters authentic connection among those grieving, and builds a legacy that honors the truth of a life lived in all its human glory and struggle. It is a powerful way to ask for and offer support, not just in bearing the burden of grief, but in enriching the very act of remembrance itself.

Takeaway

In the tender landscape of grief, the Tanya offers us a profound liberation: the permission to remember not a flawless ideal, but a complex, striving soul. Embrace the truth that the one you cherish, like all of us, was a benoni – a spiritual warrior engaged in an ongoing dance between their divine spark and their earthly nature, with inherent goodness residing even in their struggles. This understanding allows for a compassionate, authentic remembrance that honors their full journey, releases the burden of perfection, and illuminates an enduring legacy woven with grace, truth, and unconditional love.