Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 1:13

Here is your Jewish Parenting in 15 lesson, designed for busy parents aiming for beginner-to-intermediate understanding, with a focus on practical application and empathy.

Insight

The passage from Tanya, Likkutei Amarim 1:13, presents a profound and seemingly paradoxical teaching about self-perception and our spiritual journey. It begins with an oath administered before birth, warning us to "Be righteous and be not wicked; and even if the whole world tells you that you are righteous, in your own eyes regard yourself as if you were wicked." This immediately clashes with the Mishnaic teaching from Pirkei Avot (2:13), which advises, "And be not wicked in your own estimation." How can we be instructed to view ourselves as wicked when also told not to! This tension is not a theological puzzle to be solved in isolation, but a practical guide for navigating the messy, beautiful, and often contradictory reality of raising children and living a meaningful Jewish life. The core insight here is that genuine spiritual growth, and indeed, effective parenting, requires a constant, dynamic balance between self-awareness and humility, between striving for righteousness and acknowledging our imperfections without succumbing to despair. The text grapples with defining what it truly means to be "righteous" (tzaddik) and "intermediate" (benoni), moving beyond simplistic notions of good deeds versus bad deeds to a deeper understanding of the internal struggle and the nature of our souls. It teaches us that the journey isn't about achieving a static state of perfection, but about engaging in the ongoing process of refinement. For parents, this translates into understanding that our children are also on this journey, and our role is not to judge them into perfection, but to guide them with compassion and realistic expectations, while simultaneously modeling this very internal balance for them. We are not aiming to raise "perfect" children, but "good-enough" children who are learning to navigate their own internal worlds with integrity and kindness. The concept of the "benoni" is crucial here. It's not just someone with an equal number of good and bad deeds; it's someone whose yetzer hara (evil inclination) is not yet fully subjugated. This is a state that even the greatest of sages, like Rabbah, identified with. This is incredibly freeing for parents. It means that our children, and indeed we ourselves, are not expected to be flawless from the outset. The goal is not to eliminate the struggle, but to engage with it constructively. The "oath" before birth, the text explains, is about empowering the soul to fulfill its destiny. This destiny is not a predetermined path to sainthood, but the opportunity to learn, to grow, to choose, and to connect. The paradox of seeing oneself as wicked while striving for righteousness is a mechanism to prevent arrogance and complacency. If we see ourselves as already righteous, we might stop trying. If we see ourselves as irredeemably wicked, we might give up. The Tanya's approach offers a third way: a humble awareness of our potential for both good and evil, coupled with an unwavering commitment to pursue goodness. This is the essence of teshuvah (repentance/return), not as a one-time event, but as an ongoing orientation towards growth. When we apply this to parenting, it means we don't expect our children to be perfect. We understand that they will make mistakes, they will have impulses they struggle to control, and they will sometimes act in ways that frustrate us deeply. Our response should not be one of condemnation, but of compassionate guidance. We can say, "I see you're struggling with [behavior]. Let's think about what happened and how we can handle it differently next time." This acknowledges their current state without labeling them as inherently bad. Similarly, when we as parents stumble, when we lose our temper or make a mistake, the teaching encourages us to acknowledge it without spiraling into self-recrimination. "I wasn't my best self just now. I'm sorry. Let's try to do better." This models humility and resilience. The text also touches on the profound idea that even the "evil" inclination in Jews, derived from kelipat nogah (the outer shell of holiness that also contains good), has a potential for good. This is a deeply comforting thought for parents. It suggests that even the challenging aspects of our children's personalities, their stubbornness, their intensity, their moments of defiance, can, with the right guidance and reframing, be channeled into positive forces. Their strong will can become determination; their intensity can become passion; their defiance can become healthy questioning. The key is how we engage with these traits. Are we trying to crush them, or are we trying to help them understand and direct them? The Tanya's exploration of the two souls within each person – one from kelipat nogah and one from the "unclean kelipot" – is a powerful lens for understanding child development. Children are not born with fully formed moral compasses. They are navigating the interplay of innate drives, learned behaviors, and the nascent spiritual awareness that the Tanya describes. Our role is to help them cultivate the soul that stems from kelipat nogah, the one that contains the seeds of mercy, benevolence, and connection, while helping them understand and manage the impulses that come from the less holy shells. This requires patience, consistent modeling, and a willingness to see the potential for good even in difficult moments. Ultimately, this passage from Tanya is not about achieving an unattainable ideal of "perfect" parenting or "perfect" children. It's about embracing the human condition with all its imperfections, and finding within that imperfection the pathway to growth, connection, and a deeper, more meaningful Jewish life. It's about understanding that the journey of becoming righteous is a lifelong one, marked by constant learning, striving, and the courage to try again, always with a humble heart and a deep well of compassion for ourselves and for our children. It encourages us to bless the chaos of family life, to find micro-wins in the everyday struggles, and to remember that "good enough" is not only acceptable, but often the most profound path to spiritual and emotional maturity for both us and our children.

Text Snapshot

"An oath is administered to him [before birth, warning him]: “Be righteous and be not wicked; and even if the whole world tells you that you are righteous, in your own eyes regard yourself as if you were wicked.” This requires to be understood, for it contradicts the Mishnaic dictum [Avot, ch. 2], “And be not wicked in your own estimation.”" — Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 1:13

Activity

The "Two Hats" Reflection (10 Minutes)

This activity is designed to help parents internalize the paradoxical teaching of seeing oneself as both striving for righteousness and acknowledging imperfection, and to apply this to their parenting. It's a moment of quiet reflection, a micro-pause in the day's demands.

Objective: To practice holding two seemingly contradictory perspectives about oneself and one's parenting, fostering self-compassion and a growth mindset.

Materials:

• A quiet space where you can sit undisturbed for about 7-8 minutes.
• A notebook or journal, or simply a quiet corner of your mind.
• (Optional) Two distinct hats, scarves, or even just imagining putting on different mental "hats."

Instructions for the Parent:

1. Preparation (1 minute): Find your quiet space. Take a few deep breaths. If you have physical "hats," choose two that feel distinct – perhaps one is a bit more formal or "ideal," and the other is more comfortable or "real." If not, just visualize putting on different mental hats.

2. "The Righteousness Hat" (3 minutes): Put on your first hat (or adopt the mindset). This hat represents the ideal self, the striving for good, the positive intentions, and the moments when you are acting in accordance with your values.

   • Think about a time today, or this week, when you felt you acted in a way that aligned with your Jewish values. Maybe you were patient when you could have been frustrated, you offered comfort, you taught your child something important, or you simply managed to get through a challenging moment with grace.
   • Focus on the positive intentions you had. What were you trying to achieve? What good were you hoping to bring into the world through your actions?
   • Acknowledge these moments and intentions. They are real. They are part of your spiritual journey. This is the "Be righteous" part.

3. "The Humble Awareness Hat" (3 minutes): Now, take off the first hat and put on the second (or shift your mindset). This hat represents the awareness of imperfection, the acknowledgment of struggles, the "even if the whole world tells you that you are righteous, in your own eyes regard yourself as if you were wicked" aspect. This is not about self-flagellation or guilt, but about realistic self-assessment and humility.

   • Think about a moment today, or this week, when things didn't go as planned. Perhaps you lost your temper, you felt overwhelmed, you missed an opportunity to connect with your child, or you reacted in a way you regret.
   • Without dwelling on guilt, simply acknowledge the reality of the situation. What was the challenge? What were the impulses you struggled with? This is the "regard yourself as if you were wicked" aspect, meaning, be aware of your potential for falling short, your ongoing struggle with the yetzer hara.
   • This is about honest appraisal, not self-condemnation. It's the "good-enough" parent acknowledging their humanity.

4. Bridging the Two (2 minutes): Take off both hats. Now, sit with the feeling of holding both perspectives.

   • How does it feel to acknowledge both your strengths and your struggles?
   • Recognize that the tension between these two perspectives is precisely where growth happens. The awareness of imperfection fuels the desire to strive for righteousness, and the memory of your good moments gives you the strength to keep trying when you falter.
   • This is the essence of being a "benoni" (intermediate person) in the spiritual sense the Tanya describes – constantly navigating the internal landscape. For parents, this means recognizing that our children are also navigating this, and our role is to guide with compassion, not condemnation.
   • End with a feeling of peace, understanding that this dynamic balance is the path forward.

Parenting Application:

• For your child: When your child struggles, instead of immediately labeling them as "bad" or "naughty," try to put on your "humble awareness hat" for them. Acknowledge their difficulty, their impulse, their struggle. Then, put on your "righteousness hat" to guide them towards a better path, focusing on the good they can do and the lessons they can learn.
• For yourself: When you make a parenting mistake, don't dwell in shame. Acknowledge it (humble awareness hat), then remind yourself of your good intentions and your overall desire to be a good parent (righteousness hat). This allows for teshuvah (returning and repairing) and continued effort.

This activity is short, but its impact can be significant. It's a practice in self-compassion, realistic expectation, and the fundamental Jewish concept of continuous growth.

Script

Navigating the "Why Did You Do That?" Question (30 Seconds)

Scenario: Your child does something you find frustrating or even concerning. You want to address it, but you don't want to shame them or shut down communication.

(Parent leans down, makes eye contact, speaks in a calm, curious tone.)

"Hey honey, I noticed when [briefly describe the action, e.g., 'you grabbed that toy from your sister,' or 'you said that mean thing']. My first thought was, 'Wow, that was tough!' Can you tell me what was going on for you right then? What were you feeling, or what were you trying to do?"

(Pause, listen actively to their response. Then, depending on their answer, you might add one of these, still maintaining the curious, empathetic tone):

• If they express a clear need/feeling: "Ah, I understand you really wanted that toy because you were feeling left out. It makes sense that you wanted it, but it's not okay to snatch. Next time, can you try asking first, or telling me you feel left out?"
• If they are unsure or didn't mean harm: "Sometimes we do things without really thinking. It's okay. What's important is that we learn from it. What could we do differently next time to make sure everyone feels okay?"
• If it was a clear transgression: "I hear you. That was a mistake. It's hard when we don't make the best choices. Let's think about what we can do to fix it, and how we can try harder to make good choices next time. Remember, even when we mess up, we can always try to do better."

Key elements:

• Observation, not judgment: "I noticed..."
• Curiosity: "What was going on for you?"
• Validation of feelings (not actions): "It makes sense that you wanted..."
• Focus on learning and future action: "Next time, can you try...?" or "What could we do differently?"
• Empathy and "good-enough" modeling: Acknowledging that mistakes happen, but the focus is on growth.

Habit

The "One-Minute Reflection" Micro-Habit (≤1 Minute Daily)

Objective: To cultivate the practice of brief, honest self-assessment and to integrate the Tanya's teaching into your daily routine without adding significant burden.

The Habit: Before you go to sleep each night, take one minute to reflect on your day through the lens of the Tanya's paradoxical teaching.

How to do it:

1. Find your moment: This could be while brushing your teeth, while your head is on the pillow, or just before you turn off the light.
2. Put on your "Righteousness Hat" (mentally): Briefly recall one moment from your day where you acted with kindness, patience, or in line with your values, or even just one moment where you tried your best, despite the challenges. It doesn't have to be monumental. Maybe you offered a hug, listened to a story, or managed to get everyone fed. Acknowledge that good intention or effort.
3. Put on your "Humble Awareness Hat" (mentally): Briefly recall one moment from your day where you struggled, made a mistake, or felt you fell short. Again, it doesn't need to be a major transgression. Maybe you felt impatient, you were distracted, or you said something you wished you hadn't. Acknowledge that imperfection without judgment.
4. The "Benoni" Bridge: Recognize that holding both these moments in your mind – the good try and the struggle – is the essence of the journey. You are human, you are striving, and you are learning. This is not about perfection, but about progress and self-awareness.

Why it works:

• Time-boxed: Strictly one minute. No excuses.
• Micro-win: It’s a small, achievable success each day, building momentum.
• Integrates the teaching: It directly applies the core paradox.
• No guilt: The focus is on acknowledgment and the ongoing nature of the journey, not on dwelling on failures.
• Builds self-awareness: Over time, you’ll become more attuned to your own patterns and your capacity for both growth and struggle.

Commitment: Try this for one week. See how it feels to regularly acknowledge both the striving and the falling short, without letting either paralyze you.

Takeaway

The wisdom from Tanya, Likkutei Amarim 1:13, offers a profound and practical approach to navigating the complexities of life and parenting. It teaches us to hold a delicate balance: to strive for righteousness with all our might, while remaining humbly aware of our inherent imperfections and potential for missteps. This isn't about self-condemnation, but about fostering resilience, compassion, and a continuous path of growth. For parents, this means embracing the "good-enough" approach – to ourselves and to our children. We are not aiming to raise perfect children, nor to be perfect parents. Instead, we are cultivating a home where struggles are acknowledged with empathy, where efforts are celebrated, and where the ongoing journey of becoming better, more compassionate individuals is the true measure of success. By understanding that even the greatest among us identify as "intermediates" (benonim), we are freed from the pressure of unattainable ideals and empowered to focus on the consistent, loving effort we bring each day. This paradoxical wisdom is not a burden, but a liberating guide towards a more authentic, connected, and meaningful Jewish family life.