Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 10:1

Shalom! Let's dive into a concept from the Tanya that can really help us navigate the beautiful, messy journey of parenting. Remember, we're aiming for good-enough, not perfect, and finding joy in the process.

Insight

The Tanya, in this passage, offers us a profound way to understand the different levels of our own spiritual and emotional growth, and by extension, how we can approach our children's development. It distinguishes between an "incompletely righteous" person and a "completely righteous" person. The "incompletely righteous" person has managed to push away the "evil" within them, but it hasn't been truly transformed. It's like cleaning up a room but leaving some dust bunnies under the bed. The "evil" is still there, just hidden and subdued. This person might feel like they've conquered their negative impulses, but a trace remains, influencing their actions and perceptions in subtle ways. They may still experience occasional temptations or negative thoughts, but they are generally able to overcome them because the "evil" is minute. Their love for G-d is present, but not absolute, and their hatred for the "sitra achara" (the "other side," often associated with negativity or impurity) is not complete.

On the other hand, the "completely righteous" person has undergone a deeper transformation. They haven't just pushed away evil; they have converted it into goodness. This is a profound alchemy, where the very forces that could lead to negativity are now harnessed and uplifted towards holiness. This person actively despises and rejects all forms of impurity and self-gratification that detract from their service of G-d. Their love for G-d is absolute, and this absolute love fuels an absolute hatred for anything that stands in opposition to holiness. They don't just ignore distractions; they actively disdain them because they are antithetical to their core values and their deep connection with the Divine. This isn't about self-denial for its own sake, but a profound understanding that true fulfillment comes from aligning oneself with holiness, and anything that pulls away from that is inherently detrimental. This level is described as a profound love of G-d, which naturally leads to a profound contempt for evil.

What does this mean for us as parents? We are all on this journey. We're going to have days where we feel like we're making incredible progress with our children, and days where we feel like we're wrestling with the "animal soul" in ourselves and in them. The Tanya reminds us that it's okay to be in process. It's okay to be "incompletely righteous" parents. We might have moments of impatience, of frustration, of not being the ideal parent we envision. These are the "minute evils" that are still present. The key is not to dwell on them or to feel guilt, but to recognize them, acknowledge them, and then, with intention, shift our focus back to our love for our children and our commitment to raising them with Jewish values. The goal isn't to be a perfect, never-wavering parent (that's an impossible standard and frankly, not very relatable for our kids!). Instead, it's to strive for genuine connection, to model resilience, and to continuously work towards converting our own "evil" – our negative reactions, our biases, our own struggles – into opportunities for growth and learning, for ourselves and for our children. This process of conversion, of transforming challenges into something positive, is the real work of parenting, and it's a lifelong endeavor.

Text Snapshot

"Behold, when a person fortifies his divine soul and wages war against his animal soul to such an extent that he expels and eradicates its evil from the left part—as is written, “And you shall root out the evil from within you”—yet the evil is not actually converted to goodness, he is called “incompletely righteous” or “a righteous man who suffers.” That is to say, there still lingers in him a fragment of wickedness in the left part, except that it is subjugated and nullified by the good, because of the former’s minuteness." — Tanya, Part I, Likkutei Amarim 10:1

Activity

The "Gratitude Jar" Micro-Moment (≤ 10 minutes)

This activity is designed to help us practice noticing the "good" that is present, even when things feel challenging, and to actively convert those moments into something positive, reflecting the spirit of the Tanya's "completely righteous" ideal in a parent-child context.

Objective: To cultivate a habit of noticing and appreciating the good, transforming potential frustrations into moments of connection and gratitude.

Materials:

• A clean jar or container (a repurposed food jar, a decorative vase, etc.).
• Small slips of paper.
• Pens or markers.

Instructions for Parents:

1. Set the Stage (2 minutes): Gather your child(ren) for a brief moment before or after a meal, or during a calm transition time. Explain that you’re going to start a new family tradition: a "Gratitude Jar." You can say something like, "Sometimes, we get so caught up in what's going wrong, or what we wish was happening, that we forget to see all the good things. We're going to start a special jar where we write down the good things that happen, big or small, and then we can read them together later."

2. The "Good Thing" Hunt (5 minutes):

   • For Younger Children: Prompt them with simple ideas. "What made you smile today?" "What was something nice someone did for you?" "What did you enjoy about today?" For instance, if a child is struggling with a homework assignment and getting frustrated, you can gently redirect by asking, "What was one small thing that went well today, even before this problem came up?" Perhaps they enjoyed their breakfast, or a sibling shared a toy.
   • For Older Children/Teens: Encourage them to reflect a little deeper. "What was a moment today where you felt proud?" "What's something you learned that you found interesting?" "What's one thing you appreciate about our family or a specific family member?"
   • Parent's Role: As the parent, you also write down things. It could be a moment of connection with your child, a personal success, or even a moment where you handled a difficult situation with grace (even if it felt imperfectly executed!). This models the behavior and shows you're participating.

3. Write and Fold (2 minutes): Each person writes down one or two good things on their slip of paper. Encourage them to be specific. Instead of "family," maybe "Mommy gave me a hug when I was sad." Instead of "fun," maybe "Playing that silly game with Noah." Fold the slips of paper and place them in the jar.

4. Closing (1 minute): Conclude by saying, "We'll keep adding to this jar. Maybe once a week, or once a month, we'll open it up and read all the good things together. It's a reminder that even on tough days, there's always goodness to be found and to be created."

Why it works:

• Micro-Wins: It focuses on small, achievable moments of positivity.
• Converts "Evil" to Good: By actively seeking out and recording positive experiences, we are retraining our brains to focus on the good, subtly transforming our perspective from potential frustration (the "evil") to appreciation (the "good").
• Empathy and Connection: It opens up conversations and allows children to express what matters to them, fostering empathy and strengthening family bonds.
• Practical: It requires minimal time and readily available materials.
• No Guilt: It’s about noticing and appreciating, not about judging or achieving a perfect state of gratitude.

Script

Scenario: Your child asks, "Why do I have to do this? It's boring/unfair/I don't want to!" (A common expression of the "animal soul" wanting immediate gratification).

(Approx. 30 seconds)

Parent: "Oh, that feeling of 'I really don't want to do this' is so real, isn't it? I get that way sometimes too. It’s like a little voice inside saying 'Nope!' But you know, I've learned that even when something feels like a drag, there's usually a reason behind it, or a good thing waiting on the other side. Like with this [task], it helps you [mention a benefit – e.g., 'learn something new,' 'build a skill,' 'help the family']. And doing things even when they're not our favorite is actually part of what makes us strong and capable. It’s like building a muscle for when we really need to push through something tough. So, even though it's not fun right now, let's try to get this done together. Maybe we can make it a bit more interesting?"

Breakdown:

• Empathy First (5 seconds): "Oh, that feeling of 'I really don't want to do this' is so real, isn't it? I get that way sometimes too. It’s like a little voice inside saying 'Nope!'" - This validates their feelings without agreeing with the underlying resistance. It acknowledges the "animal soul's" perspective.
• Connecting to the "Good" (10 seconds): "But you know, I've learned that even when something feels like a drag, there's usually a reason behind it, or a good thing waiting on the other side. Like with this [task], it helps you [mention a benefit]." - This is the "conversion" element. We're not just saying "do it," we're pointing out the underlying positive outcome or purpose, aligning with the Tanya's idea of finding the good.
• Building Resilience (10 seconds): "And doing things even when they're not our favorite is actually part of what makes us strong and capable. It’s like building a muscle for when we really need to push through something tough." - This reframes the difficulty as a developmental opportunity, a way of becoming "stronger" and more "righteous" in their actions.
• Collaborative Action (5 seconds): "So, even though it's not fun right now, let's try to get this done together. Maybe we can make it a bit more interesting?" - This offers partnership and a collaborative approach, reinforcing that you're a team.

Habit

The "One-Minute Reframe" Micro-Habit

This week, commit to one small practice: whenever you notice yourself or your child reacting negatively, feeling frustrated, or facing a minor challenge, take just one minute to consciously reframe the situation. Ask yourself (or your child, if appropriate): "What's a different way to look at this?" or "What good can we find here?" This isn't about denying the difficulty, but about actively seeking a slightly different perspective, a sliver of positivity, or a learning opportunity within the moment. It’s a tiny step towards converting those "minute evils" into something more constructive.

Takeaway

The Tanya’s distinction between the "incompletely righteous" and "completely righteous" offers us a compassionate lens for our parenting. We don't need to be perfect; striving for good-enough is where the real growth happens. Our goal is to acknowledge the challenges and imperfections within ourselves and our children, and then, with intention, work towards transforming those struggles into opportunities for connection, learning, and a deeper appreciation for the good that already exists. Every small act of reframing, every moment of seeking the positive, is a step in this ongoing, beautiful process. Chag Sameach!