Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 10:1

Shalom, dear parent! Let's dive into some ancient wisdom that can bring a surprising amount of peace and practical guidance to our modern parenting lives. Think of this as a spiritual tune-up, designed to fit into your busy schedule. We're not aiming for perfection here, but for connection and growth, one small step at a time.

Insight

The Tanya, a foundational text of Chassidic philosophy, offers us a profound lens through which to view our inner lives and, by extension, our parenting. At its core, this passage from Likkutei Amarim, chapter 10, grapples with the internal struggle between our divine soul (the part of us that yearns for holiness) and our animal soul (our physical, instinctual drives). It introduces the concepts of the "incompletely righteous" (tzadik v'ra lo) and the "completely righteous" (tzadik v'tov lo). This isn't about a moralistic judgment, but about understanding the process of spiritual growth and how it plays out in our daily lives, especially as parents.

The Tanya explains that even when we consciously try to eradicate negative tendencies – to "expel and eradicate its evil" – the struggle isn't always a complete victory. Sometimes, we manage to suppress or subjugate the "evil," but it isn't truly transformed into good. This state, where the negative is merely subdued and not transmuted, is described as being "incompletely righteous." It's like cleaning your room but just shoving things into closets; they're out of sight, but not truly dealt with. We might feel like we've conquered a bad habit or a negative reaction, but a tiny fragment of it still lingers, dormant but present. This is why the text says, "he imagines that he has driven it out and it has quite disappeared." We fool ourselves into thinking we've achieved a perfect state, when in reality, the "evil" is simply "subjugated and nullified by the good, because of the former’s minuteness." It's like a tiny weed that's been chopped down but whose roots are still in the soil, ready to sprout again.

This concept is incredibly relevant to parenting. How often do we, in moments of stress or frustration, react in ways we later regret? We might vow to be more patient, to speak more calmly, to avoid yelling. And for a while, we succeed. We feel like we've "rooted out the evil." But then, a particularly challenging moment arises – a tantrum, a defiance, a spilled drink at bedtime – and that old reaction resurfaces. It’s not that we are inherently bad parents, but that the "evil" (our less-than-ideal reaction) wasn't fully converted into something positive. It was merely suppressed. The Tanya cautions us that if the evil were truly gone, it would have been converted into goodness. This is the key: transformation, not just suppression.

The Tanya then contrasts this with the "completely righteous" person, who has "completely divested himself of the filthy garments of evil." This isn't about denying physical needs or emotions; rather, it's about a profound reorientation. The completely righteous person doesn't find enjoyment in purely physical pleasures that distract from their connection to G-d. They see these worldly pleasures as originating from the "kelipah" and "sitra achara" – the forces of impurity and separation. They "utterly despise" these things, not out of puritanism, but out of a deep, abiding love for G-d. This love is so strong that it fuels an "absolute hatred" and "utter contempt" for anything that separates them from the Divine. The text uses the powerful imagery of "filthy garments" that have been shed. This means that the very things that used to tempt or distract them are now seen with disgust, because they are antithetical to their highest aspirations.

This might sound lofty and unattainable, especially when we're juggling a baby's cry and a toddler's demands. But let's break it down for our parenting context. For the completely righteous parent, the "service of G-d" isn't just about reciting blessings before meals or attending synagogue. It's about bringing that elevated consciousness into every interaction. It means recognizing that the seemingly mundane act of changing a diaper or reading a bedtime story can be a profound act of connection to the Divine, if approached with the right intention. It means finding joy in the spiritual essence of parenting, rather than getting bogged down by the physical demands.

The Tanya further elaborates that the degree of hatred for the "sitra achara" (the forces of separation) is directly proportional to the abundance of love for G-d. This is a beautiful insight: our capacity to detach from unhelpful patterns or negative impulses isn't a sign of weakness, but of our growing love for something higher. When we truly love G-d, and by extension, we love the inherent holiness within ourselves and our children, the allure of negativity naturally diminishes. We don't have to force ourselves to hate our bad habits; our love for the good becomes so compelling that the bad loses its power.

The text then dives into the "incompletely righteous" again, explaining that they don't hate the "sitra achara" with an "absolute hatred." This means there's still a residual pull, a subtle enjoyment or attachment to those aspects of life that are not aligned with holiness. The "filthy garments" haven't been entirely shed. This is why the evil isn't fully converted; it still has a hold, even if it's a small one. The Tanya uses a fascinating analogy from Jewish law: the concept of 1/60th. If a non-kosher ingredient is mixed into kosher food, and it constitutes less than 1/60th of the mixture, the entire mixture is still considered kosher. The non-kosher element is nullified because of its minute quantity. Similarly, in the "incompletely righteous," the evil is still present but is so small that it's rendered insignificant in its practical effect.

This is where the idea of "micro-wins" comes in. We're not aiming for the impossible standard of shedding all negative tendencies overnight. We're aiming for the gradual nullification of the "minute evil." Every time we choose patience over frustration, even for a fleeting moment, we're chipping away at that residual negativity. Every time we apologize sincerely after a less-than-ideal reaction, we're acknowledging the imperfection and moving towards transformation. The Tanya acknowledges that these gradations of "incompletely righteous" are vast, numbering "myriads of degrees." This is incredibly comforting. It means there's a place for all of us on this journey. We don't have to be Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, the "superior men" who convert "darkness into light and bitter taste into sweetness." We can be the vast majority of righteous people, who are striving, who are making progress, even if it's not always perfect.

The concept of "superior men" (benei aliyah) is explained as those who actively "convert evil and make it ascend to holiness." This is an active, transformative process. It's not just about avoiding evil, but about taking the raw material of our challenges and refining it. Think of it like alchemy. The completely righteous parent doesn't just avoid snapping at their child; they might reflect on why they felt the urge to snap, understand the root cause (perhaps fear, exhaustion, or feeling overwhelmed), and then use that understanding to grow stronger and more compassionate. Their service of G-d is "for the sake of the Above," meaning their motivation is not just self-improvement but also elevating the world around them, uniting the Divine presence with the physical world. This is further explained as conducting oneself with benevolence toward the Creator, uniting G-d and the Shechinah (Divine presence) within the lower worlds – which, for us, means within our homes, with our families.

This is a radical reframe of parenting. It's not just about raising good kids; it's about elevating our homes into sanctuaries of Divine presence. It's about seeing the potential for holiness in every messy, chaotic moment. The Tanya suggests that this active transformation is like a son ingratiating himself with his parents, willing to sacrifice for them. In our context, it means approaching our parenting with a deep love and commitment that transcends our own comfort or even our own needs. It's about doing it "for the sake of the Above," which ultimately brings down Divine blessing and holiness into our lives.

So, what does this mean for us, the busy, often imperfect parents? It means recognizing that our struggles are normal. It means understanding that progress isn't always linear. It means celebrating the "incompletely righteous" within ourselves – the part that tries, the part that strives, even when it falls short. The goal isn't to be a "completely righteous" saint from day one, but to be on the path, to be actively engaged in the process of spiritual growth and transformation. The Tanya provides us with a framework to understand our internal landscape and offers hope and direction. It tells us that even our smallest efforts to overcome negative impulses, to choose love over frustration, are significant. They are the seeds from which genuine spiritual growth, and a more elevated home, can blossom. We are not expected to be perfect, but to be present, to be striving, and to be learning from every experience, just as the Tanya teaches us about the myriad degrees of righteousness. Our journey is about the gradual shedding of those "filthy garments," not in one grand gesture, but through consistent, mindful effort, turning what was once a struggle into an opportunity for connection and growth.

Text Snapshot

"Behold, when a person fortifies his divine soul and wages war against his animal soul to such an extent that he expels and eradicates its evil from the left part—as is written, “And you shall root out the evil from within you”—yet the evil is not actually converted to goodness, he is called 'incompletely righteous' or 'a righteous man who suffers.'" (Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 10:1)

"That is to say, there still lingers in him a fragment of wickedness in the left part, except that it is subjugated and nullified by the good, because of the former’s minuteness. Hence he imagines that he has driven it out and it has quite disappeared." (Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 10:1)

"The explanation of the matter is that 'a completely righteous man,' in whom the evil has been converted to goodness and who is consequently called 'a righteous man who prospers,' has completely divested himself of the filthy garments of evil." (Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 10:1)

"The 'incompletely righteous' is he who does not hate the sitra achara with an absolute hatred; therefore he does not also absolutely abhor evil. And as long as the hatred and scorn of evil are not absolute, there must remain some vestige of love and pleasure in it, and the fouled garments have not entirely and absolutely been shed; therefore the evil has not actually been converted to goodness, since it still has some hold in the filthy garments, except that it is nullified because of its minute quantity and is accounted as nothing." (Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 10:1)

Activity

The "Micro-Win" Reflection Jar

This activity is designed to help you and your child (or children, if ages are similar and they can participate together) identify and celebrate those moments where you successfully navigated a challenging situation, even if imperfectly. It aligns with the Tanya's concept of acknowledging the "subjugated evil" and celebrating the "micro-wins" that contribute to overall growth. This is about building awareness and positive reinforcement.

Goal: To foster an awareness of small successes in managing difficult emotions or situations, and to build a positive habit of recognizing progress.

Time Commitment: ≤ 10 minutes per day (can be done in one go or spread out)

Materials:

• A clean, empty jar (any size will do – a jam jar, a mason jar, even a decorated tissue box).
• Small slips of paper or colorful sticky notes.
• Pens or markers.
• Optional: Stickers, glitter glue, or other decorative items for the jar (for a more engaging child activity).

Instructions for Parents:

1. Set Up (Day 1, ~5 minutes): Find a nice, accessible spot for your jar. Decorate it if you like – make it a special "Gratitude Jar" or "Kindness Jar." Explain the purpose to your child (or children) in age-appropriate terms. For younger children, focus on "happy moments" or "times we did something good." For older children, you can introduce the idea of "overcoming a challenge" or "making a good choice."
2. Daily Practice (Ongoing, ~5 minutes per day):
   • At a designated time (e.g., during dinner, before bed, during a quiet moment), ask each person (including yourself!) to think of one moment from the day where they felt they did a good job, even if it was small.
   • Prompting questions (tailor to age):
     • "Was there a time today when you felt a bit frustrated, but you managed to take a deep breath instead of yelling?" (For older children/adults)
     • "Did you share a toy even though you really wanted it all to yourself?" (For younger children)
     • "Was there a moment when you felt tired, but you still helped with a chore?" (For older children/adults)
     • "Did you say 'please' and 'thank you' even when you were in a hurry?" (For younger children)
     • "When you were really struggling with a toy or a task, did you ask for help instead of giving up?" (For any age)
     • "Did you notice Mommy/Daddy getting upset, and did you try to be extra kind?" (For younger children)
     • "Was there a time you didn't get your way, but you accepted it without a huge fuss?" (For older children/adults)
     • "Did you help your sibling with something, even if it was a little annoying?" (For older children)
   • Write it down: On a slip of paper, write down the "micro-win." For younger children, you can draw a picture or help them dictate what happened. For yourself, jot down a quick note.
   • Fold and Deposit: Fold the slip of paper and place it into the jar.
   • Acknowledge: Briefly acknowledge each contribution. For children, a hug, a high-five, or a verbal "That's wonderful! I'm so proud of you for noticing that!" is great. For yourself, a quiet moment of self-acknowledgment is powerful.
3. Jar Review (Weekly or Monthly, ~5-10 minutes): Once a week or once a month, take out all the slips of paper from the jar. Read them aloud (or read yours to yourself). This is a powerful way to see tangible evidence of progress and resilience.

Why This Works (Connecting to the Tanya):

• Acknowledging the "Subjugated Evil": The prompts often focus on moments where negative impulses were present but managed. This directly relates to the Tanya's concept of the "incompletely righteous" where evil is "subjugated and nullified." We are not aiming for the absence of struggle, but for the successful navigation of it. By writing these down, we are acknowledging that the struggle existed, but the positive action was taken.
• Celebrating "Micro-Wins": The Tanya talks about the "minute quantity" of evil being accounted for as nothing. This activity reframes that by focusing on the "minute" goodness or successful action. These are the small victories that, over time, nullify the lingering negative patterns.
• Transformation, Not Just Eradication: When we reflect on these moments, we are not just saying "I didn't yell." We are often implicitly acknowledging the effort involved in choosing not to yell. This is the beginning of transformation – the "evil" is being transmuted into a conscious choice for goodness.
• Building Self-Awareness: The act of looking for these moments trains our minds to recognize our strengths and our efforts. This is crucial for parents who often focus on what they didn't do well.
• Positive Reinforcement: For children, and for ourselves, positive reinforcement is key. Seeing a jar fill up with acknowledgments of good behavior and effort is a powerful motivator and a source of encouragement, a tangible reminder that we are growing and succeeding.
• Shifting Focus: This activity actively shifts our focus from the imperfections to the perfections – the small, consistent efforts that build character and create a more positive home environment.

Adaptations for Different Ages:

• Toddlers (1-3 years): Focus on very concrete actions. "You put the block in the tower!" "You shared your cracker!" "You gave Mommy a kiss!" Draw simple pictures together.
• Preschoolers (3-5 years): Can articulate simple challenges. "I was sad, but I played with my cars." "I helped put away the toys." "I waited my turn." You can write the words for them.
• Early Elementary (6-8 years): Can discuss emotions and choices more directly. "I felt mad when my brother took my toy, but I asked him to give it back nicely." "I finished my homework even though it was hard."
• Older Elementary/Tweens (9-12 years): Can engage in deeper reflection. "I felt tempted to play video games, but I chose to read my book instead." "I noticed someone looking sad, so I said hi to them."
• Teens: Can discuss abstract concepts and internal struggles. "I felt like complaining about the chores, but I reminded myself it's part of our family." "I was really stressed about a test, but I took some time to do some deep breathing."
• For Yourself: Be as honest and specific as you can. "I felt overwhelmed by the morning rush, but I managed to say 'good morning' with a smile to each child." "I wanted to snap at my partner, but I took a moment and expressed my need calmly."

This "Micro-Win Reflection Jar" is a simple yet profound tool for cultivating a more positive and resilient mindset within your family. It's a testament to the fact that even the smallest acts of effort and kindness contribute to our spiritual growth and the elevation of our homes. Blessed are the tries, big and small!

Script

(Scene: You're trying to leave the house, and your child suddenly asks a question about something profound or slightly embarrassing, like why people don't always tell the truth, or why some things are considered "bad" in a way that feels confusing to them.)

Child: "Mom/Dad, why did [person's name] say they were going to do something, but then they didn't? Are they lying?"

You (taking a deep breath, with a kind, gentle tone): "That's a really thoughtful question, honey. It touches on something important about how people work. You know how we talked about how sometimes we want to do something good, but it's really hard, and we don't manage it perfectly? Like when I wanted to get us out the door on time, but then we had to find your lost shoe?"

(Child nods, perhaps with a hint of a smile remembering the shoe hunt.)

You: "Well, sometimes people intend to do something, and they mean well, but then something else happens, or it's harder than they thought, and they don't follow through. It’s not always the same as someone trying to trick you. It’s more like... they had a good intention, but the 'doing' part got complicated. It's like our Tanya text talks about – sometimes the 'evil' isn't completely gone, and it makes things a bit messy. We always want to try our best to be honest and follow through, but sometimes, even with good intentions, it doesn't happen perfectly. Does that make a little sense?"

(Pause for their reaction. If they seem satisfied, you can gently steer back to the immediate task.)

You: "Okay, let's put on those shoes now, and maybe later we can talk more about how we can all try to be people who do what they say they will. We’re learning and growing all the time, right?"

Why this script works (connecting to the Tanya):

• Empathy and Validation: The script starts by acknowledging the child's question as "thoughtful" and "important," validating their curiosity.
• Relatability through Personal Experience: It immediately connects the abstract concept to a relatable, everyday parenting experience (the lost shoe). This makes the lesson tangible.
• Introducing the "Incompletely Righteous" Concept (Age-Appropriate): The analogy of "wanting to do something good, but it's really hard, and we don't manage it perfectly" directly mirrors the Tanya's explanation of the "incompletely righteous" – where the "evil" isn't fully converted. The phrase "the 'doing' part got complicated" is a gentle way of explaining that intentions don't always translate into perfect actions.
• Distinguishing Intent from Action: It carefully distinguishes between someone intentionally trying to deceive ("lying") and someone failing to follow through due to internal struggles or external complications. This is crucial for developing a nuanced understanding of human behavior.
• Referencing the Tanya (Subtly): The line "It’s like our Tanya text talks about – sometimes the 'evil' isn't completely gone, and it makes things a bit messy" provides a subtle nod to the source text, reinforcing the idea that internal struggles are a normal part of the human condition, even for adults. This normalizes imperfection.
• Focus on Growth and Learning: The concluding remarks, "We’re learning and growing all the time," and "how we can all try to be people who do what they say they will," shift the focus from judgment to a positive, ongoing process of self-improvement. This aligns with the Tanya's emphasis on the journey of righteousness.
• Time-Bound and Practical: The script is designed to be delivered quickly, within the context of a busy departure, and it aims to provide a concise, understanding answer without getting bogged down in complex philosophical debate. It’s about planting a seed of understanding.
• No Guilt: The tone is gentle and non-judgmental. It doesn't blame the child or the person they are asking about. It frames the situation as a shared human challenge.

This script aims to answer a potentially awkward question by weaving in the wisdom of the Tanya in a way that is accessible, empathetic, and practical for a busy parent on the go. It offers a glimpse into the idea that human behavior can be complex, and that even when people don't perfectly live up to their intentions, it doesn't always mean they are intentionally malicious. It's about recognizing the ongoing effort towards goodness.

Habit

The "One Minute of Mindful Breathing" Micro-Habit

Goal: To cultivate a moment of calm and self-awareness, especially during moments of potential overwhelm, directly impacting our ability to respond rather than react. This habit is a practical application of fortifying the "divine soul" by creating space for conscious choice.

Time Commitment: 1 minute, once a day.

When to Practice: Choose a consistent time. Good options include:

• Right after waking up, before the day's demands begin.
• During a commute (if safe, e.g., as a passenger or before starting the car).
• Just before opening your work email or starting your first task.
• During a transition period (e.g., after dropping off kids at school, before picking them up).
• Right before bed.

How to Practice:

1. Find Your Spot: Sit or stand comfortably. You don't need a special place.
2. Close Your Eyes (Optional): If comfortable, gently close your eyes. If not, soften your gaze.
3. Focus on Your Breath: Simply notice your breath as it enters and leaves your body. Don't try to change it, just observe.
4. Count Your Breaths: Inhale for a count of 3 or 4, exhale for a count of 3 or 4. You can adjust the count to what feels comfortable.
5. Gentle Return: If your mind wanders (which it will, and that's okay!), gently bring your attention back to your breath. There's no "failing" here. Each time you notice your mind has wandered and you bring it back, that's a success!
6. End with Intention: After about 60 seconds, gently open your eyes (if closed) and carry that sense of calm with you into the next moment. You can silently say to yourself, "May I respond with calm."

Why this Habit Works (Connecting to the Tanya):

• Fortifying the Divine Soul: The Tanya speaks of fortifying our divine soul. This minute of mindful breathing is a direct practice of turning inward, connecting with the calmer, more divine part of ourselves, rather than being solely driven by the reactive "animal soul."
• Creating Space for Choice: When we feel ourselves about to react out of frustration, anger, or overwhelm (the "animal soul" taking over), this habit trains us to create a micro-pause. In that pause, we have the potential to choose a more thoughtful, "divine soul" inspired response, rather than an automatic, instinctual one. This is the essence of moving from being "incompletely righteous" (reacting) to striving for a more conscious response.
• Subjugating the "Minute Evil": By practicing this even when not in crisis, we are building the capacity to access this calm state when we are in crisis. This is like strengthening the "good" so it can more effectively "subjugate" the "minute evil" of reactivity.
• Cultivating Non-Judgment: The instruction to gently return to the breath when the mind wanders teaches us non-judgment. This is crucial for parenting, where we often judge ourselves harshly for imperfections. This habit models self-compassion.
• Accessibility: It's incredibly short and requires no special equipment or location, making it doable for even the busiest parent. The "good enough" try is the success here.

This habit isn't about achieving enlightenment in 60 seconds. It's about building a foundational tool that helps you navigate the inevitable challenges of parenting with a little more grace, awareness, and intentionality. It's a micro-step towards transforming those moments that used to lead to reactive outbursts into opportunities for conscious, loving responses.

Takeaway

The Tanya's wisdom, especially this passage on righteousness, offers us a powerful, guilt-free framework for parenting. We are not expected to be perfect saints. Instead, we are invited to be honest about our internal struggles, to celebrate the "micro-wins" where we manage to subdue our less-than-ideal impulses, and to understand that true growth comes from the transformation of challenges, not just their suppression. Our journey as parents is about the gradual shedding of those "filthy garments" of reactivity and frustration, one breath, one mindful moment, one small act of intentional kindness at a time. Embrace the "good-enough" tries, for they are the very foundation of our growth and the creation of a home filled with presence and Divine connection. Blessed are we for showing up and striving.