Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 10:5

Here's a lesson on "The Incompletely Righteous Parent" based on Tanya, Part I, Likkutei Amarim 10:5, delivered with a practical, empathetic Jewish parenting coach's voice.

The Incompletely Righteous Parent: Embracing the "Good Enough" in Our Parenting Journey

Insight

We often hold ourselves to an almost impossible standard as parents. We imagine an ideal version of ourselves – the parent who is always patient, always wise, always able to transform every challenging moment into a teachable one. This internal ideal can be incredibly powerful, but it can also lead to a sense of falling short, of being "incompletely righteous" in our parenting. The Tanya, a foundational text in Chabad philosophy, describes two levels of righteousness: the "completely righteous" (צדיק וטוב לו - tzadik v'tov lo) who have fully converted all their "evil" inclination into good, and the "incompletely righteous" (צדיק ורע לו - tzadik v'ra lo) who have subjugated their evil inclination but not fully eradicated or transformed it.

As parents, we can relate to this. We strive to do good, to be a positive influence, to guide our children with love and wisdom. We actively combat our "animal soul" – the impulses of impatience, frustration, or self-interest – and we often succeed in pushing them aside. Yet, sometimes, a remnant of that less-than-ideal impulse lingers. It might be a flash of irritation when our child spills milk for the third time, or a moment of wishing we had more quiet time for ourselves. The Tanya explains that in the "incompletely righteous," this remnant isn't gone; it's merely subjugated because it's so small. We might feel like we've completely mastered the situation, but a tiny sliver of the "evil" still exists, un-transformed. This doesn't make us bad parents! It means we are human, and we are on a journey. The "completely righteous" parent, according to the Tanya, utterly despises and transforms these base impulses, finding no enjoyment in them whatsoever. Their love for goodness is so profound that the opposite is inherently repulsive. For us, the "incompletely righteous" parents, the goal isn't necessarily to reach that absolute level of spiritual perfection overnight. It's to acknowledge that our efforts to be good, to be patient, to be loving, are immensely valuable, even if they aren't always perfectly executed. We are waging war against our less-than-ideal impulses, and that battle itself is a form of righteousness. When we manage to respond with patience instead of snapping, when we choose to connect instead of withdrawing, we are subjugating that "evil" inclination. The fact that it might still whisper in the background sometimes is part of the human condition, and part of the "good enough" parenting we are all striving for. The key is not to get stuck in guilt about the lingering remnants, but to celebrate the consistent effort to push them aside and focus on the positive. This text reminds us that even in our imperfect attempts, we are engaging in a profound spiritual struggle, and that struggle is a sign of our commitment to growth and holiness. The "incompletely righteous" are the vast majority, and their struggle is a testament to the ongoing work of refinement.

Text Snapshot

"Behold, when a person fortifies his divine soul and wages war against his animal soul... yet the evil is not actually converted to goodness, he is called 'incompletely righteous' or 'a righteous man who suffers.' That is to say, there still lingers in him a fragment of wickedness... except that it is subjugated and nullified by the good, because of the former’s minuteness."

(Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 10:5)

Activity: The "Subjugated Impulse" Observation (5-10 minutes)

Goal: To build awareness of our own "animal soul" impulses and celebrate the moments we choose a positive response, even if it's a struggle.

Materials: A quiet moment for yourself, a journal or a notes app on your phone.

Instructions:

1. Set the Scene (1 minute): Find a quiet spot where you can sit undisturbed for a few minutes. Take a few deep breaths. Remind yourself that this is about observation, not judgment. You are not aiming for perfection, but for awareness and self-compassion.
2. Recall a Moment (2-3 minutes): Think back to a recent interaction with your child where you felt a flicker of impatience, frustration, or perhaps a desire to prioritize your own needs over theirs in that specific moment. It doesn't have to be a big blow-up; even a fleeting feeling counts. For example:
   • Your child asks for the fifth snack of the hour, and you feel a pang of annoyance.
   • Your child is taking forever to get ready, and you feel a surge of urgency mixed with irritation.
   • You're trying to have a moment of quiet, and your child immediately demands your attention.
3. Identify the Impulse (1 minute): What was the specific "animal soul" impulse you felt? Was it a desire for peace and quiet? A need for efficiency? A feeling of being overwhelmed? Jot it down.
4. Acknowledge Your Response (2-3 minutes): Now, think about how you actually responded. Did you manage to take a breath? Did you offer a kind word even though you felt annoyed? Did you explain why you needed a moment before engaging? Did you find a compromise? The Tanya speaks of the "fragment of wickedness" being "subjugated and nullified by the good." This is your opportunity to identify where you did the good, even if the less-than-ideal impulse was still there. Jot down your positive response.
5. Bless the "Good Enough" (1 minute): Write a short, kind affirmation to yourself. Something like: "I felt annoyed, but I chose to respond patiently. That's a win." Or, "It was hard to get them ready, but I managed to keep my cool and encourage them. Good job, me."

Parenting Coach's Note: This exercise is about recognizing the internal battle we all face. The Tanya doesn't expect us to be devoid of impulses; it acknowledges their existence. What matters is our conscious effort to align ourselves with our "divine soul." By observing these moments, we begin to see where we are already succeeding, and where we can continue to grow with self-compassion. Don't dwell on the impulse itself; focus on the strength it took to choose a more elevated response.

Script: "But I'm Not Perfect!" (30 seconds)

Scenario: Your child, perhaps after overhearing a comment you made to your spouse or seeing you react to something, asks, "Mom/Dad, why did you get mad/frustrated/impatient just now? You're supposed to be a good parent!"

(Start Timer: 30 seconds)

Parent: "Oh, that's a really thoughtful question! You know, even grown-ups have feelings, and sometimes those feelings get a little mixed up. It’s true, I was feeling a bit [frustrated/impatient/annoyed] in that moment. It’s like, inside me, there’s a part that really wants to be calm and kind, and sometimes another part gets a bit overwhelmed or wants something else.

(Pause for child's reaction)

"What's important is that I heard you, and I want to be the best parent I can be for you. Sometimes, even when I don't react perfectly, I'm still trying my very best to learn and grow, just like you do. So, thank you for noticing and for caring. You’re teaching me, too!"

(End Timer)

Parenting Coach's Note: The goal here is to validate the child's observation without shame, to explain the internal struggle in simple terms, and to frame it as a learning process for both of you. The Tanya's concept of the "incompletely righteous" is reflected here – we're not claiming to be perfect, but we are acknowledging the effort and the desire to do good. This vulnerability can actually strengthen your relationship.

Habit: The "Micro-Moment of Gratitude" (1 micro-habit for the week)

Goal: To consciously acknowledge and appreciate our "good-enough" parenting moments, fostering a positive mindset.

Instructions:

Once a day, for one week, before you go to sleep or during your morning coffee, take 30 seconds to identify one moment from the previous day where you felt you acted in accordance with your "divine soul" – even if it was a struggle.

• Did you choose patience over frustration?
• Did you offer a hug when you felt tired?
• Did you explain something calmly instead of yelling?
• Did you simply try to be kind, even if it wasn't perfect?

Action: Jot down this micro-moment of gratitude in a designated spot (a small notebook, a note on your phone, a sticky note on the fridge). It doesn't need to be profound. The sheer act of noticing and appreciating these small victories builds resilience and combats the "incompletely righteous" feeling of falling short.

Parenting Coach's Note: This habit is designed to shift your focus from what you didn't do perfectly to what you did do well. The Tanya highlights that even a "subjugated" evil is a victory. By celebrating these micro-wins, you are reinforcing your positive actions and building a foundation of self-compassion.

Takeaway

As "incompletely righteous" parents, we are engaged in a constant, vital struggle. We strive to elevate our actions, to tame our impulses, and to guide our children with love. The Tanya reminds us that even when we don't achieve absolute perfection, our efforts to subjugate our "animal soul" and act from our "divine soul" are profoundly significant. Our parenting journey is not about reaching an unattainable ideal, but about the continuous, imperfect, and deeply meaningful process of trying. Bless the chaos, celebrate the micro-wins, and know that your "good enough" is, in fact, more than good enough. It's the work of a parent striving for holiness, one moment at a time.