Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 10:5

Shalom! Let's dive into this week's Jewish Parenting in 15, focusing on the profound idea from Tanya, Part I, Likkutei Amarim 10:5.

Insight

The passage from Tanya we're exploring today delves into the nuanced journey of spiritual growth, distinguishing between an "incompletely righteous" person and a "completely righteous" one. For us as parents, this isn't about theological jargon; it's a powerful metaphor for how we and our children navigate the messy, beautiful process of becoming better people. The core idea is that true spiritual progress isn't just about getting rid of the "bad stuff" – the impulses, the anger, the impatience, the selfishness. It's about something deeper: transforming it. The "incompletely righteous" person, the Tanya explains, manages to suppress their negative inclinations, to push them down so they seem to disappear. They might feel like they've "won" because they're not acting on those impulses. However, the text makes it clear that this isn't the ultimate victory. The "evil" is still there, lurking, just "subjugated and nullified by the good, because of the former’s minuteness." Think of it like shoving clutter into a closet – it's out of sight, but it hasn't truly been dealt with. This person might even imagine they've driven it out entirely, leading to a false sense of accomplishment. This is where the "righteous man who suffers" comes in; their internal struggle, though seemingly subdued, can still cause them distress.

Contrast this with the "completely righteous" person. For them, the "evil" isn't just suppressed; it's converted into goodness. This is a radical transformation. It's not about hating the "filthy garments of evil" so much as divesting oneself of them entirely, finding no pleasure in them whatsoever, and, in fact, despising them because they originate from what is antithetical to holiness. This isn't a superficial act; it stems from a profound love of God and holiness. This deep love for the Divine makes the "sitra achara" (the "other side," the realm of negativity) utterly detestable. The Tanya uses the powerful image of David's plea, "Search me, [L–rd,] and know my heart… I hate them with the utmost hatred; I regard them as my own enemies." This isn't just a casual dislike; it's an absolute hatred born from an overwhelming love for the good.

So, what does this mean for parenting? Our goal isn't just to tell our kids "don't do that" or to punish them for missteps. That's like the "incompletely righteous" approach – suppressing the impulse without addressing the root. Our deeper aim, our aspiration as parents, is to help our children transform those impulses. When our child lashes out in anger, it's not enough to just tell them to stop. We want to guide them, over time, to understand why they felt that anger, to see the underlying need or fear, and then to channel that energy into something constructive. Perhaps that anger can be transformed into a passionate defense of what's right. Perhaps impatience can become a drive to find a more efficient solution. This transformation is the essence of becoming a "completely righteous" person – not just someone who avoids doing wrong, but someone who actively does good, and whose very being is oriented towards holiness.

The Tanya acknowledges that this is a spectrum, with "myriads of degrees" of progress. No one expects perfection overnight, or even ever. The idea of "good-enough" parenting is absolutely central here. We aren't aiming for our kids to be "completely righteous" by age five. We are aiming for progress, for micro-wins, for the slow, steady work of refining our own behavior and guiding our children to do the same. When we react with less impatience than we usually do, that's a micro-win. When our child, even with a bit of a grumble, chooses to share rather than hoard, that's a micro-win. These small victories, these tiny shifts, are the building blocks of transformation. The Tanya's concept of "converting evil into goodness" isn't about a single, dramatic event; it's about a lifelong process of refinement.

As parents, we are constantly grappling with our own "animal soul" – our impulses, our fatigue, our frustrations. We might, at times, feel like the "incompletely righteous" person, managing to keep our cool most of the time, but feeling that internal struggle, that lingering urge to yell or give in to our own exhaustion. This is normal. The key is to recognize it, not to judge ourselves for it, but to use it as a learning opportunity. How can we, in that moment, move closer to transforming that impulse? Perhaps it's taking a deep breath, or stepping away for a moment, or finding a more constructive way to express our needs.

Similarly, when our children exhibit challenging behaviors – the tantrums, the defiance, the sibling squabbles – we see their "animal soul" at play. Our instinct might be to simply suppress it, to make it stop. But the Tanya encourages us to look deeper. Can we help our child understand their feelings? Can we guide them to express those feelings in a healthier way? Can we, through our own example, show them what it looks like to convert those negative impulses? This is the essence of "converting darkness into light and bitter taste into sweetness," as the Zohar beautifully puts it. It's about taking something difficult and, through mindful action and guidance, turning it into something positive.

The journey of parenthood is intrinsically linked to our own spiritual growth. Our children are our greatest teachers, reflecting our own strengths and weaknesses back to us. When we are patient with them, we cultivate our own patience. When we guide them through their anger, we learn more about managing our own. The Tanya's distinction between the "incompletely righteous" and the "completely righteous" serves as a roadmap. It tells us that simply suppressing negative behavior isn't the ultimate goal. The true aspiration is transformation, a profound shift where the challenging impulses are no longer mere obstacles to be overcome, but raw material to be refined and elevated into something holy. This is a long-term project, filled with moments of frustration and triumph, but it is the most meaningful work we can do. By focusing on these micro-transformations, by celebrating the "good-enough" tries, we are planting seeds for a more profound, integrated sense of self for both ourselves and our children, a journey that aligns with the deepest aspirations of Jewish tradition. The concept isn't about achieving an unattainable ideal overnight, but about embracing the ongoing process of refinement, finding holiness even in the messy, imperfect moments of family life. This is the essence of Jewish parenting: not about perfection, but about persistent, loving progress towards a more elevated existence, for ourselves and for the generations we are nurturing. It's about recognizing that every moment, even the challenging ones, is an opportunity for growth and for drawing closer to the Divine.

Text Snapshot

"Behold, when a person fortifies his divine soul and wages war against his animal soul to such an extent that he expels and eradicates its evil from the left part—as is written, “And you shall root out the evil from within you”—yet the evil is not actually converted to goodness, he is called 'incompletely righteous' or 'a righteous man who suffers.'"

"That is to say, there still lingers in him a fragment of wickedness in the left part, except that it is subjugated and nullified by the good, because of the former’s minuteness."

"A 'completely righteous man,' in whom the evil has been converted to goodness and who is consequently called 'a righteous man who prospers,' has completely divested himself of the filthy garments of evil. That is to say, he utterly despises the pleasures of this world, finding no enjoyment in human pleasures of merely gratifying the physical appetites instead of [seeking] the service of G–d..."

(Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 10:5)

Activity

Activity Title: "Impulse Investigator"

Time Allotment: 7-10 minutes

Goal: To help children (and parents!) begin to identify and understand their impulses, and to brainstorm ways to channel them constructively, mirroring the Tanya's concept of transforming "evil" into "good."

Materials:

• A small, decorated box or jar (the "Impulse Investigator Box")
• Small slips of paper or colorful sticky notes
• Pens or markers

Instructions for Parent:

This activity is designed to be a gentle introduction to self-awareness around impulses, not to shame or judge. The goal is to recognize that we all have strong urges, and that these urges can be understood and redirected.

1. Set the Stage (1-2 minutes): "Hey [Child's Name], I have something fun we can do together! Sometimes, when we feel really strong feelings – like wanting something really badly, or feeling super frustrated, or even just wanting to jump up and down – those are called impulses. They're like a strong push inside us telling us to do something. Today, we're going to be 'Impulse Investigators'!"

2. Introduce the "Impulse Investigator Box" (1 minute): "This is our special 'Impulse Investigator Box.' It's where we can write down or draw the times we felt a really strong impulse, and then think about what we did with that impulse. It's not about saying if it was 'good' or 'bad,' but just noticing what happened."

3. Brainstorming Examples (3-4 minutes):

   • Parent Models: "Okay, I'll go first. Sometimes, when I'm really tired at the end of the day, I have an impulse to just plop on the couch and do nothing! But then I remember we need to make dinner. So, my impulse was 'do nothing,' but I transformed it by deciding to make a quick and easy dinner instead. I'm going to write that down." (Write on a slip of paper: "Impulse: Wanting to do nothing when tired. Transformed into: Making a quick dinner.") Fold it and put it in the box.
   • Prompt the Child: "What about you? Can you think of a time you felt a really strong urge to do something? Maybe you really wanted to grab a toy from your sibling? Or maybe you felt like shouting because you were upset?"
     • If the child struggles: "Remember yesterday when you really wanted that extra cookie? That was a strong impulse! What did you do then?"
     • If the child gives a simple answer: "Okay, so you wanted the cookie. What happened next? Did you get it? Did you decide not to? Did Mom or Dad help you with that feeling?"
   • Guide the Transformation: The key is to help them move from the impulse to the action or resolution.
     • For anger/frustration: "So, you felt like shouting. What did you do instead? Did you take a deep breath? Did you tell me you were upset? That's a great way to transform that shouting impulse into telling me what's wrong!" (Write on slip: "Impulse: Wanted to shout when upset. Transformed into: Took a deep breath and told Mom I was sad.")
     • For wanting something: "You really wanted that toy. What happened? Did you ask nicely? Did you wait your turn? That's transforming the 'grab it now' impulse into being patient!" (Write on slip: "Impulse: Wanted to grab toy. Transformed into: Waited my turn.")
     • For energy: "You felt like running around like crazy! What did you do? Did you have a dance party? Did you go outside? That's transforming restless energy into fun movement!" (Write on slip: "Impulse: Lots of energy! Transformed into: Had a dance party!")

4. Focus on the "Transformation" (1-2 minutes): "See? We all have these strong impulses, these pushes. And when we can find a way to change them, to do something else that's also good, we're like the 'completely righteous' people in the story! We're turning something that could have been messy into something positive. It doesn't have to be perfect. Even just thinking about what else you could do is a super important step!"

5. Closing: "We can keep adding to our 'Impulse Investigator Box' whenever we notice these strong feelings and how we handle them. It's all about learning and growing!"

Why this activity works with the Tanya:

• Acknowledges the "Animal Soul": The "impulses" are the manifestation of the "animal soul" – the primal urges and desires. This activity validates that these are natural.
• Focuses on Transformation, Not Eradication: Instead of telling kids to "stop feeling angry" (eradication, which can lead to the "incompletely righteous" state), we guide them to transform the impulse into a different, more constructive action. This is the core of the "evil is converted to goodness."
• Micro-Wins: Each time a child identifies an impulse and a constructive response, it's a micro-win. The act of writing it down and putting it in the box acknowledges this small success.
• Empathy and No Guilt: The tone is curious and investigative, not judgmental. We are exploring human nature, not shaming it. The parent models vulnerability, showing that even adults have impulses they manage.
• Practical Application: It provides a concrete, age-appropriate way to engage with the abstract concept of spiritual transformation.
• Time-Bound: It's designed to be short and engaging, fitting into a busy family schedule.

Adapting for Different Ages:

• Younger Children (3-5): Focus more on drawing the feeling/impulse and the action taken. Keep explanations very simple. Use concrete examples: "You wanted to throw the blocks, but instead you built a tower!"
• Older Children (6-8): Can write short sentences. Encourage them to verbalize the "transformation" part more.
• Pre-teens/Teens: Can discuss more complex impulses and strategies. They might even write down their own "transformation strategies" for recurring challenges.

This activity fosters self-awareness and a proactive approach to managing one's inner world, laying the groundwork for a more integrated and positive sense of self, aligning with the Tanya's message of spiritual growth through transformation.

Script

(Scene: You're helping your child with homework, or just having a casual chat, and they say something that triggers a moment of personal reflection on your own "incompletely righteous" tendencies. Perhaps they ask a pointed question about fairness or hypocrisy, or you just had a fleeting thought about judging someone.)

Child: "Mom/Dad, why did you say that person was being annoying yesterday when you were talking to Grandma on the phone? You said you were going to be patient, but it sounded like you weren't."

(Pause. Take a breath. This is your cue.)

You: "That's a really good question, [Child's Name]. You know, sometimes, even when we try our very best to be patient and kind, it's still a struggle inside us. It's like there's a little voice inside that wants to complain or get frustrated, even when we know we shouldn't. You heard that little voice in me yesterday, and I appreciate you pointing it out."

(Lean in slightly, maintain eye contact.)

You: "The truth is, it's not always easy to completely get rid of those grumpy feelings. Sometimes, we just manage to push them down a little bit. That's what the Rabbis call being 'incompletely righteous' – we're trying, we're suppressing the grumpiness, but it's still there, just quiet. The goal, though, is to get to a place where we don't just push it down, but we actually change that grumpy feeling into something better. Maybe into understanding, or just letting it go completely without saying anything mean. It's a work in progress for grown-ups too!"

(Offer a gentle smile.)

You: "Thanks for noticing. It reminds me that I need to keep working on transforming those little grumpy feelings, not just hiding them. Maybe next time, I'll try taking a deep breath instead of saying it out loud. Want to help me practice that sometimes?"

Why this script works:

• Directly Addresses the Question: It doesn't shy away from the child's observation.
• Connects to the Tanya: It uses the concept of "incompletely righteous" and the idea of suppressing versus transforming impulses.
• Acknowledges the Struggle (No Guilt): It normalizes that even parents struggle with impulses and imperfect behavior. The focus is on the effort and the ongoing process.
• Models Vulnerability and Self-Awareness: Admitting you weren't perfect, and that the child observed it, is a powerful teaching moment.
• Focuses on Transformation: It shifts the conversation from "I did something wrong" to "I'm working on transforming this impulse."
• Includes the Child: It invites the child to be part of the solution or practice, reinforcing the idea that this is a shared journey.
• Time-Bound (Approx. 30 seconds): It's concise and to the point, suitable for a quick conversation.
• Empathetic Tone: It's delivered with kindness and honesty, fostering trust.

This script allows parents to be authentic, to integrate Jewish wisdom into real-life parenting moments, and to teach children about the ongoing, imperfect, yet beautiful journey of personal growth. It's about being real, not perfect, and constantly striving to elevate our actions and reactions.

Habit

Habit Title: "The One-Breath Pause"

Time Allotment: Less than 10 seconds per instance, daily practice.

Goal: To create a tiny pause between impulse and reaction, allowing for a micro-moment of conscious choice, moving towards transforming impulses rather than just acting on them.

Instructions:

1. Awareness is Key: Throughout the week, whenever you feel a strong impulse – whether it's to snap at your child, grab a snack you don't need, or react defensively to something – pause.
2. The Single Breath: Before you do anything, consciously take one slow, deep breath. Inhale through your nose, exhale slowly through your mouth.
3. Notice the Shift: In that single breath, notice if anything changes. Did the intensity of the impulse lessen even a tiny bit? Did a sliver of space open up where you can choose your response?
4. Gentle Action: After that one breath, proceed with your action. It might still be the same action, but now it's a chosen action, not just a knee-jerk reaction.

Why this habit works:

• Micro-Habit: It’s incredibly small, making it doable even in the most chaotic moments.
• Focuses on Transformation: This pause is the very beginning of transforming an impulse. It interrupts the automatic reaction, creating the possibility for a different response. It’s the first step in not just suppressing the "evil," but creating space for goodness.
• No Guilt: If you forget, you just try again next time. There’s no pressure to get it "right" every time.
• Builds Self-Awareness: Over the week, you’ll become more attuned to your own impulses and the subtle shift that even one breath can create.
• Connects to the Tanya: This tiny pause is the genesis of the "completely righteous" person's ability to choose a response aligned with their higher self, rather than being driven by the "animal soul." It's the moment where the "filthy garments" can begin to be shed, or at least not blindly put on.
• Practical: It can be done anywhere, anytime, without anyone else even noticing.

Example Scenarios:

• Your child spills milk for the third time today. Impulse: Yell. Habit: Take one deep breath. Then you might calmly say, "Okay, let's get a towel."
• You're scrolling through social media and see something that makes you feel envious. Impulse: Keep scrolling, feeling bad. Habit: Take one deep breath. Then you might choose to close the app and do something fulfilling.
• Your partner asks a question that feels accusatory. Impulse: Get defensive. Habit: Take one deep breath. Then you might calmly ask for clarification.

This habit is about creating a sliver of space, a moment of conscious awareness, that allows us to move from reactive living to responsive living, even in the smallest of ways. It's the foundation of transforming our impulses into more intentional, mindful actions.

Takeaway

The Tanya teaches us that true spiritual growth isn't about eradicating the "bad" in us, but about transforming it into good. As parents, this means our goal isn't just to stop our children (or ourselves) from acting on difficult impulses, but to guide them towards finding constructive ways to channel that energy. Even a single deep breath between an impulse and a reaction can be the micro-win that starts this transformation. Embrace the "good-enough" tries; the journey of converting darkness into light is a lifelong process, and every small step matters. Blessed are we for the opportunity to grow together.