Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 11:1

Shalom, dear parent! Welcome to this 5-minute on-ramp into Jewish wisdom for busy lives. We're diving into a classic text, the Tanya, and finding practical gems for our everyday parenting. No pressure, just a little nudge toward connection and understanding. Let's bless the beautiful, messy journey of raising little humans!

Insight

The passage from Tanya, Likkutei Amarim 11:1, grapples with the complex nature of human beings, specifically how the good and "evil" inclinations (often referred to as yetzer tov and yetzer hara) coexist and battle within us. It describes different levels of this internal struggle, ranging from someone who occasionally succumbs to minor temptations to someone deeply entrenched in sin. The core idea presented is that we are not static beings; we are in a constant state of flux, a dynamic interplay between our divine soul and the "evil kelipah" (husk or shell) that can obscure our inner light. This concept, while seemingly abstract, offers a profound lens through which to view our children and ourselves. Instead of labeling children (or ourselves) as "good" or "bad," we can begin to understand that every person, at any given moment, is experiencing their own unique internal struggle. There are times when the "good" in us, the spark of the divine, shines brightly, motivating us towards kindness, generosity, and connection. And there are other times when the "evil kelipah" seems to gain a foothold, leading to frustration, impatience, or actions that we later regret. The Tanya emphasizes that even in moments of falling, the "goodness" remains, dormant but not destroyed, offering the possibility of remorse and repentance. This is incredibly freeing for parents. It means we don't have to strive for perfection from our children, nor should we expect it from ourselves. Our goal isn't to eradicate the "evil kelipah" entirely – that's not the Jewish understanding of our human condition. Instead, it's about acknowledging its presence, understanding its influence, and cultivating the strength of our yetzer tov, our inner goodness. This understanding helps us approach our children with greater empathy, recognizing that their challenging behaviors are often manifestations of their own internal battles. When a child is acting out, it's not necessarily a sign of inherent "badness," but perhaps a moment where the "evil kelipah" is temporarily prevailing, and they lack the strength to overcome it. Our role, then, is not to condemn, but to guide, to support, and to help them strengthen their own inner goodness. This perspective shifts our focus from immediate behavioral correction to fostering long-term character development. It encourages us to see moments of struggle not as failures, but as opportunities for growth, learning, and connection. We can teach our children about their own inner strength, about the importance of teshuvah (repentance or returning) not as a punishment, but as a natural process of self-correction and growth. By embracing this nuanced understanding of the human soul, we can create a more compassionate and supportive environment for our children, where they feel safe to be imperfect and empowered to strive for their best selves, always knowing that their inner goodness is an ever-present, albeit sometimes hidden, resource. This is the essence of "blessing the chaos" – finding the divine spark even in the midst of our messy, imperfect parenting lives.

Text Snapshot

“One is the opposite the other”—the “wicked man who prospers” is antithetical to the “righteous man who suffers.” That is to say, the goodness that is in his divine soul which is in his brain and in the right part of his heart is subservient to, and nullified by, the evil of the kelipah that is in the left part. This type, too, is subdivided into myriads of degrees which differ in respect of the extent and manner of the nullification and subservience of the good to the bad, G–d forbid.

Activity

The "Inner Voice" Exploration

This activity is designed to help children (and you!) tune into their internal experiences and understand that they have different "feelings" or "impulses" at different times. It's a gentle introduction to the idea that we aren't always the same, and that's okay!

Objective: To help children recognize and name different internal feelings and impulses, and to understand that these can coexist.

Materials:

• A few small, distinct objects (e.g., a smooth stone, a fluffy feather, a small toy car, a colorful bead). You can also use drawings or even just your hands to represent different feelings.
• A comfortable, quiet space where you can sit together.

Time: 5-10 minutes

Instructions for Parent:

1. Set the Stage: Sit comfortably with your child. You can say something like, "Sometimes, inside us, we have different feelings or ideas trying to get our attention. It's like having different voices or helpers inside. Today, we're going to explore those inner voices."

2. Introduce the Objects/Representations: Hold up one of the objects. "Let's pretend this [stone] is a feeling of being very calm and quiet. Like when you're snuggled up before sleep. What does it feel like in your body when you're calm and quiet?" (Encourage them to describe physical sensations – relaxed shoulders, slow breathing).

3. Introduce a Contrasting Object: Now hold up another object, perhaps the toy car. "And this [toy car] could be a feeling of wanting to run and play super fast! Like when you get so excited to go to the park. What does your body feel like when you have that energy?" (Encourage descriptions of buzzing, fidgeting, energy).

4. Explore Other "Inner Voices": Continue with other objects, associating them with different internal states.

   • A fluffy feather: A feeling of wanting to be soft and gentle, to share a hug.
   • A colorful bead: A feeling of curiosity, wanting to explore and ask questions.
   • (Optional) You can also introduce more challenging feelings like a slightly rough pebble representing frustration, or a crumpled piece of paper representing feeling sad. Approach these with extra gentleness and focus on naming rather than judgment.

5. The "Mix and Match" (The Core of the Activity): This is where the Tanya's insight comes in.

   • "Now, imagine you have the [fluffy feather] in one hand – that feeling of wanting to be gentle. And in the other hand, you have the [toy car] – that feeling of wanting to zoom! Can you hold both feelings at the same time? How does that feel?"
   • "What if you have the [smooth stone] of calm, but also the [colorful bead] of curiosity, wanting to ask lots of questions? Can those two things be inside you together?"
   • "Sometimes, maybe you have the feeling of wanting to be gentle (feather), but you also feel a little bit grumpy (rough pebble). It's okay to feel both! We have lots of different feelings inside us."

6. Connect to the Text (Simplified): "See? Our inside world is like that. Sometimes we have a good idea, like sharing, and sometimes we have a different idea, like wanting to keep something all to ourselves. Both can be inside us. The important thing is to listen to the good voice, the one that feels kind and helpful, and try to follow that one when we can."

7. Wrap Up: "Thank you for exploring your inner voices with me! It's amazing how many different feelings we can have, and how they can all be part of us."

Why this works:

• Tangible Representation: Using objects makes abstract internal states concrete for children.
• Empathy Building: It helps children understand that they, and others, can experience conflicting feelings.
• Non-Judgmental: It focuses on naming and exploring, not on labeling feelings as "good" or "bad."
• Empowerment: By acknowledging the coexistence of different impulses, it subtly empowers children to make conscious choices about which impulse to act upon.
• Micro-Win: Successfully identifying and naming even one "inner voice" or experiencing the "mix and match" is a micro-win in self-awareness.

Script

(Scene: You're at the grocery store, and your child, let's say Maya, age 6, is suddenly having a meltdown because she can't have a sugary cereal you're passing. A well-meaning stranger walks by and offers a comment.)

Stranger: "Oh, someone's having a tough time! You know, my kids never acted like that. You just have to be firm."

You: (Taking a deep breath, looking at Maya with empathy, then turning to the stranger with a kind, but firm smile)

"Hi there. Thanks for your thought. It's true, Maya is having a really hard time right now. It feels like her 'wanting' feeling is really, really strong in this aisle, and it's making it hard for her to listen to my 'calm down' voice.

You know, sometimes, even us grown-ups have those moments where a strong feeling just takes over, and we wish we could be more in control. It's part of being human, right? We're all just trying our best to navigate those big feelings inside.

Right now, my focus is on helping Maya feel heard and helping her find her way back to calm. We're working on it, and every little step is a win. Thanks again for stopping by."

(Turn back to Maya, maybe crouch down to her level)

You (to Maya): "Maya, I see you're feeling really disappointed about the cereal. It's okay to feel disappointed. Let's take a deep breath together and find our way to the checkout."

Why this works:

• Acknowledges the Commenter (Briefly): It doesn't ignore the stranger but pivots quickly.
• Normalizes the Struggle: Phrases like "tough time," "wanting feeling is really strong," and "hard for her to listen" are empathetic and relatable.
• Draws a Parallel to Adult Experience: "Even us grown-ups have those moments..." makes it less about Maya being "bad" and more about universal human experience. This subtly aligns with the Tanya's idea that everyone struggles.
• Focuses on the Parenting Goal: "My focus is on helping Maya feel heard and helping her find her way back to calm" clearly states your positive intention.
• Highlights Micro-Wins: "Every little step is a win" reinforces the "good-enough" parenting philosophy.
• Avoids Defensiveness: The tone is calm, confident, and non-confrontational.
• Quick Pivot Back to Child: The script quickly returns the attention to Maya, showing your priority.
• Time-Efficient: This can be delivered within 30 seconds.

Habit

The "Good-Enough Moment" Acknowledgment

Objective: To cultivate a practice of noticing and appreciating small, imperfect moments of connection or effort.

How it works: This week, aim to identify and verbally acknowledge at least one "good-enough" moment each day. This isn't about grand gestures or perfect behavior. It's about noticing when you or your child did something that was just okay, or a small step in the right direction, even if it wasn't ideal.

Examples:

• For your child: "Maya, thank you for putting your shoes on even though you were still a little sleepy. That was a good-enough try!" or "Liam, I noticed you shared your toy for a whole minute before asking for it back. That's really trying your best!"
• For yourself: "I managed to get breakfast into everyone this morning, even though it was chaotic. Good enough for today!" or "I took a deep breath when I felt frustrated instead of yelling. That was a good-enough moment for me."
• For your partner/other family member: "Honey, thanks for cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, even if it's not perfectly spotless. It's good enough and I appreciate it."

Why it's a micro-habit:

• Low Time Commitment: Takes seconds to utter.
• Focuses on Positive Reinforcement: Encourages growth by acknowledging effort, not just perfection.
• Builds Self-Compassion: Helps you and your child see yourselves as imperfect but capable.
• Shifts Perspective: Trains your brain to look for the positive, even amidst challenges, aligning with the Tanya's idea that good remains even when overshadowed.

How to implement:

• Set a Reminder: Put a sticky note on your fridge, set a silent alarm on your phone for once a day (e.g., during dinner cleanup, bedtime routine).
• Be Specific: Instead of a generic "good job," try to name what was good enough. This is more impactful.
• Don't Force It: If you truly can't find one, don't worry. The intention is to cultivate the habit, not to create pressure. Some days might be harder than others.

Takeaway

The Tanya teaches us that within each of us, and therefore within our children, there's a constant interplay between our divine spark and the forces that can obscure it. This isn't a battle to be won by eradicating one side, but a journey of strengthening our inner goodness. By recognizing that moments of struggle, frustration, or even misbehavior are often manifestations of this internal dynamic, we can approach our children with profound empathy. Our goal isn't perfect children, but growing humans who learn to navigate their inner world with increasing wisdom and compassion. Embrace the "good-enough" moments, both in your children and in yourself. They are the building blocks of resilience and connection, and in those imperfect moments, we find the truest sparks of the divine.