Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 11:1

Shalom! Let's dive into this week's 15-minute Jewish parenting journey. We're exploring the idea that even when we feel conflicted or see our children struggling, there's always a spark of good within. Our text this week from the Tanya offers a nuanced view of human nature, reminding us that "one is the opposite the other." This concept, when applied to parenting, can be incredibly freeing. It means we don't have to see ourselves or our children as purely "good" or "bad," but rather as complex beings navigating internal tug-of-wars. This perspective helps us approach challenges with empathy, understanding that a child's misstep doesn't define them, and our own struggles don't make us failures. We're aiming for "good-enough" parenting, celebrating the effort, and recognizing the inherent goodness in each of us.

Insight

The Inner Struggle: Embracing the "Good-Enough" Parent

This week, we’re tackling a profound idea from the Tanya: the inherent duality within each person, the constant push and pull between our higher spiritual selves and our lower inclinations. The text describes this as the "good that is in his divine soul" versus the "evil of the kelipah (shell or husk)." For us as parents, this isn't just an abstract theological concept; it's the lived reality of raising children and navigating our own lives. We see this struggle play out daily. Think about your child who, after a day of wonderful behavior, suddenly erupts in a tantrum over a seemingly minor issue. Or consider yourself, after a day of patient parenting, succumbing to frustration and snapping. The Tanya’s message here is incredibly liberating: these moments of "evil prevailing" do not define the entirety of who we or our children are. They are temporary struggles, part of a much larger, ongoing process.

The Tanya categorizes individuals based on the degree to which these lower inclinations overcome the good. There are those in whom the "subservience and nullification [of good to bad] are in a very minor way." These are the individuals who might stumble occasionally, perhaps in thought, speech, or deed, but are often filled with remorse and seek pardon. This resonates deeply with the parenting experience. We all have those moments where we say or do something we regret, and then feel that pang of guilt, that desire to apologize and make amends. For our children, this might look like a brief outburst of anger, a fib told under pressure, or a moment of selfishness. The key here is that the "good that is in his divine soul asserts itself," leading to remorse. This is a crucial sign of inner goodness, even in the midst of a mistake.

Then, the Tanya describes those in whom "wickedness prevails more strongly," where all three "garments of evil" (thought, speech, and deed) are involved. Even in these more challenging situations, the text offers hope: "intermittently he suffers remorse, and thoughts of repentance enter his mind." This speaks to the child who struggles more persistently with certain behaviors, who might have a pattern of acting out or making poor choices. As parents, we might feel overwhelmed by these patterns, wondering if there’s any good left. But the Tanya reminds us that even here, the "quality of good that is in his soul that gathers strength now and then." This means that even when a child seems lost in their struggles, there are still flickers of their inherent goodness, moments where their conscience stirs.

The most challenging category is the one who "never feels contrition, and in whose mind no thoughts of repentance at all ever enter." This is the "wicked who suffers," where the evil has so prevailed that the good has "departed from within him, standing aloof." While this sounds dire, even here, the Tanya offers a glimmer of hope: "the good that is in the soul is in a state of 'suspended animation'—paralyzed, yet not destroyed." This is a critical point for parents facing difficult behaviors or diagnoses. It means that no one is irredeemably lost. The capacity for good, for repentance, for change, always exists.

How does this apply to our parenting practice? It allows us to move away from the pressure of perfection. We are not expected to be perfect parents, and our children are not expected to be perfect beings. Instead, we are called to be "good-enough" parents, who acknowledge the struggles, the moments of "evil prevailing," but also recognize and nurture the persistent spark of goodness. When our child misbehaves, we can ask ourselves: Is this a minor stumble, or a more persistent pattern? Either way, what is the underlying need or struggle? Instead of labeling the child as "bad," we can focus on the behavior and its impact, while holding onto the belief in their inherent goodness.

This also applies to our own parenting journey. When we feel like we’ve failed, when we’ve lost our patience or made a mistake, it’s easy to fall into self-recrimination. The Tanya’s teaching on internal duality encourages us to acknowledge our own struggles without letting them define us. We, too, have moments where our "lower" inclinations might temporarily overpower our "higher" ones. The key is the subsequent remorse, the desire to do better, and the commitment to teshuvah (repentance or return). As parents, our own journey of self-reflection and growth is a powerful model for our children.

The concept of the "small city" (our body) being subject to the influence of these inclinations is a powerful metaphor. It suggests that our physical selves are the arena where this inner battle takes place. Our actions, our words, and even our thoughts are manifestations of this ongoing struggle. When we discipline a child, we are not just reacting to a behavior; we are engaging with the manifestation of their inner struggle. Our response can either fuel the negative inclination or, with wisdom and empathy, help them access their inner goodness.

The Tanya’s emphasis on "nullification and subservience" is also important. It means that the good is not necessarily destroyed, but rather overshadowed or made subservient. This offers a framework for understanding why a child who is generally kind might lash out, or why a generally responsible adult might make a poor decision. The good is still there, but it's not currently in the driver's seat. Our role as parents is to help our children cultivate the strength to bring their good back to the forefront.

This perspective also helps us to be more forgiving of ourselves and our children. We are all works in progress. The "wicked man who prospers" and the "righteous man who suffers" are not absolute categories, but rather states of being that can fluctuate. By understanding this fluidity, we can approach challenges with less judgment and more compassion. We can celebrate the micro-wins – the moments where the good does prevail, where our child chooses kindness, where we manage to respond with patience, even when we feel drained. These are the moments that build resilience and reinforce the power of our inner goodness.

Furthermore, the Tanya's mention of contemplation of sin being more serious than actual sin offers a nuanced view of our internal lives. It highlights the importance of our thoughts and intentions. As parents, we need to be mindful of our own thought patterns and how they influence our actions. Are we dwelling on our child's mistakes, or are we focusing on their potential for growth? Are we allowing negative thoughts about ourselves as parents to fester, or are we actively cultivating self-compassion? This internal work is just as crucial as our outward actions.

Ultimately, the core message for us as parents is one of hope and unwavering belief in the inherent goodness of our children, and ourselves. The Tanya doesn't offer a quick fix, but a profound understanding of the human condition. It’s an invitation to embrace the messiness, the contradictions, and the ongoing journey. By understanding the internal struggle, we can parent with greater empathy, patience, and a profound appreciation for the small victories that pave the way towards spiritual growth. We are not aiming for perfect children or perfect parenting, but for a journey where, with each stumble and each rise, we connect with the enduring spark of goodness that resides within us all. This perspective shifts us from judgment to compassion, from despair to enduring hope, allowing us to bless the chaos and find the light even in the darkest moments.

Text Snapshot

"That is to say, the goodness that is in his divine soul which is in his brain and in the right part of his heart is subservient to, and nullified by, the evil of the kelipah that is in the left part. This type, too, is subdivided into myriads of degrees which differ in respect of the extent and manner of the nullification and subservience of the good to the bad, G–d forbid."
— Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 11:1

Activity

"The Inner Tug-of-War" Drawing & Discussion (10 minutes)

Goal: To visually represent the internal struggle described in the Tanya and to open a gentle conversation about emotions and choices with your child.

Materials:

• Paper (one sheet per person, or one large sheet for a shared drawing)
• Crayons, colored pencils, or markers

Instructions:

1. Setup (1 minute): Gather your child and the art supplies. Find a comfortable spot where you can sit together.
2. Introduction (2 minutes): "You know how sometimes we feel like two different parts of ourselves are pulling us in different directions? Like, one part wants to be super good and helpful, and another part really wants to just play or be a little bit naughty? The Tanya talks about this idea that inside everyone, there's a good part and a part that can get us into trouble. Today, we're going to draw this 'inner tug-of-war'."
3. Drawing the "Good" Side (3 minutes):
   • "Let's pick a color to represent the 'good' part of us. What color feels like happy, kind, helpful, or strong?" (Let your child choose. If they struggle, suggest colors like yellow, light blue, or green).
   • "Now, on one side of your paper, let's draw what that good part looks like. It could be a happy face, a superhero, a shining star, a helping hand, or anything that feels good and strong to you. Think about when you feel really proud of yourself for doing something kind or helpful."
   • Help them draw or draw alongside them, verbalizing the positive qualities. "This is the part of you that wants to share, that feels good when you learn something new, that helps you be a good friend."
4. Drawing the "Tug-of-War" Rope (1 minute):
   • "Now, let's draw a big rope connecting these two sides. This rope is like the struggle, the tug-of-war we sometimes feel." Draw a thick rope stretching across the middle of the page.
5. Drawing the "Challenging" Side (2 minutes):
   • "Now, let's pick a different color for the part that sometimes pulls us towards things that aren't so good. Maybe it feels a little bit grumpy, or it really wants something it can't have, or it just feels frustrated." (Again, let them choose, or suggest colors like red, dark gray, or black).
   • "On the other side of the rope, let's draw what this part looks like. It could be a grumpy face, a little monster, a storm cloud, or anything that feels like a difficult feeling or a tempting choice."
   • "This is the part that might make us want to yell, or grab something, or not listen. It's okay to have this part too, because everyone does."
6. Discussion and "Micro-Wins" (2 minutes):
   • Once the drawing is complete, look at it together.
   • "Wow, look at our drawing! It shows that sometimes the good part is strong, and sometimes the other part feels really strong. What do you think happens when the rope is pulled really hard?" (Listen to their responses).
   • "The Tanya teaches us that even when the 'grumpy' or 'tempting' part feels super strong, the good part is still there. It's like it's just resting for a moment, but it can always come back. What’s one thing that makes you feel good about yourself, even when you’ve done something you regret later?" (Guide them towards a positive self-attribute).
   • "For example, even if I got a little frustrated today, I know I also did [mention a small positive action you did or they did]. That's a 'micro-win' for the good part!"
   • "And you know what? When we feel that tug-of-war, and we choose to be kind or share, that's a super big win for the good part!"

Parenting Coach's Note: The goal is not to pathologize difficult behaviors but to introduce the concept of internal conflict in a child-friendly way. Emphasize that having these "challenging" feelings or impulses is normal. The "good" side is always present, even if it's not currently in control. This activity fosters self-awareness and opens the door for future conversations about choices and emotions without blame. Focus on validating their feelings while gently guiding them towards understanding the presence and power of their inner goodness.

Script

Navigating the "Why Did You Do That?!" (30 seconds)

Scenario: Your child has just done something you find upsetting or confusing – perhaps they snapped at you, broke a toy in frustration, or made a questionable choice. You want to address it, but you also want to avoid making them feel like a fundamentally "bad" person.

(Pause, take a breath. Make eye contact with your child.)

"Hey, I saw what happened just now with [briefly and neutrally describe the action, e.g., 'the blocks falling over,' or 'what you said about dinner']. I'm feeling a little [state your emotion, e.g., 'confused,' 'sad,' 'frustrated'] about it. Can you help me understand what was going on for you in that moment? Sometimes, when we're feeling [mention a possible underlying feeling, e.g., 'upset,' 'tired,' 'like we really want something'], it's hard for our 'good helper' part to take the lead. What was happening with your 'good helper' part then?"

Parenting Coach's Note: This script aims to:

• Acknowledge the behavior: Without immediate judgment.
• State your feeling: This is healthy modeling.
• Invite explanation: Giving them a chance to articulate their experience.
• Introduce the Tanya's concept gently: "Good helper" part vs. a challenging internal state. This frames the misstep as a temporary struggle, not a character flaw.
• Avoid accusation: By asking what was happening for them.

Habit

The "Spark of Good" Check-In (Micro-habit, ≤ 1 minute daily)

Goal: To consistently acknowledge and reinforce the inherent goodness in your child, even amidst challenges.

How to do it: Once a day, at a quiet moment (bedtime is often ideal, but any time works), find one specific thing your child did or a quality they displayed that day that reflects their "good soul." It doesn't have to be monumental.

• Examples:
  • "I noticed how you shared your snack with [sibling/friend]. That was really kind."
  • "I saw you trying really hard to figure out that puzzle. I admire your persistence."
  • "Thank you for helping me clean up those toys without being asked. That was very thoughtful."
  • "Even though you were frustrated earlier, you still managed to [mention a small positive action, e.g., 'use your words,' 'take a deep breath']. That shows how strong your good part is."
  • "I love the way you [mention a unique positive trait, e.g., 'sing when you're happy,' 'ask such interesting questions']."

Parenting Coach's Note: This micro-habit is powerful because it directly counters the tendency to focus solely on the missteps or the "evil prevailing" moments. By actively seeking and articulating the "spark of good," you are reinforcing that goodness, making it more likely to shine through. It’s a consistent, low-effort way to build your child’s self-esteem and their awareness of their own inner strength, aligning with the Tanya's message that the good soul is always present.

Takeaway

The Tanya’s teaching on internal duality offers us a profound and practical lens for parenting: Every person, including our children and ourselves, possesses an inherent spark of goodness that, though sometimes overshadowed, is never extinguished. This understanding allows us to approach our children's struggles not as evidence of their inherent badness, but as moments of internal conflict. It frees us from the pressure of perfection, enabling us to be "good-enough" parents who celebrate micro-wins, offer empathy, and consistently nurture that enduring spark of good. May we all find the wisdom and patience to see and cultivate the divine soul within ourselves and our families, even when the kelipah seems strong.