Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:1

This is a fascinating and challenging text! Let's dive in with a focus on practical, empathetic Jewish parenting.

Insight

The Tanya presents us with a profound concept: the benoni, the intermediate person, who walks the path of spiritual growth not by eradicating their desires, but by managing them. This isn't about a saintly figure who has no urges, but about a real, relatable human being who navigates the internal tug-of-war between their divine soul and their animal soul. For us as parents, this is incredibly liberating. We are not aiming for perfect children who never stumble, nor are we expected to be perfect parents who never falter. Instead, the benoni model offers us a framework for understanding and nurturing growth within the beautiful, messy reality of family life. The core idea here is that spiritual and moral development isn't a sudden transformation, but a continuous process of internal governance. Our children, like us, are constantly engaged in this internal dialogue. They have impulses, desires, and moments of inclination towards both good and less-than-good. Our role as parents is not to eliminate these impulses – which is neither possible nor desirable, as they are part of the human experience – but to help them develop the "small city" within themselves, the inner space where their divine soul can hold sway.

This concept of the "small city" is a powerful metaphor for the internal world of our children. It's the space where thoughts, speech, and actions originate. When the "evil" or animal soul has dominion, it "clothes itself" in these faculties, leading to actions that can be harmful or detract from their spiritual path. This might manifest as a child acting out of anger, saying hurtful words, or fixating on selfish desires. However, the Tanya emphasizes that even in these moments, the divine soul's influence is present. The benoni is characterized by the fact that the animal soul never gains absolute control. It can't fully "clothe itself" in the body to the point of causing sin without any internal resistance. There's always a struggle, a capacity for the divine soul, through the intellect and a nascent love of God, to push back. For us as parents, this means recognizing that a child's misstep is not the end of their story, nor a reflection of our failure. It's an opportunity to help them strengthen their inner governor. We can teach them to pause, to reflect, to recognize the urge without immediately acting on it. This is the essence of building that "small city" – creating the internal infrastructure for thoughtful response rather than impulsive reaction.

The Tanya further clarifies that this mastery isn't constant. There are "appropriate times" when the divine soul's faculties – thought, speech, and act engaged in mitzvot – hold sway, like during prayer. And then, after these elevated moments, the animal soul can reawaken. This is incredibly relatable for parents. We see our children deeply engaged in a mitzvah, perhaps helping set the Shabbat table with genuine enthusiasm, and then moments later, they might be squabbling over a toy. This doesn't negate the initial good deed. It highlights the dynamic nature of growth. Our goal isn't to create children who are perpetually in a state of spiritual elevation, but to equip them with the tools to navigate the ebb and flow. We can help them understand that even after a moment of falling short, they have the capacity to return to their better selves. The key is not to achieve perfection, but to cultivate resilience and the ability to return to the path. This means celebrating the moments of good, acknowledging the struggles without judgment, and encouraging the effort to redirect. It's about recognizing the "good-enough" try, the micro-wins that accumulate over time, building the strength of the inner "small city."

The emphasis on "thought, speech, and act" is crucial for us as parents. These are the very areas where we can most directly influence and guide our children. We can help them examine their thoughts: "What were you thinking when you felt angry?" We can guide their speech: "How could you say that differently so it doesn't hurt your brother?" And we can shape their actions: "Let's practice sharing this toy." The benoni model teaches us that these are not just external behaviors, but expressions of an internal state. When our children act out, it’s often a sign that their "animal soul" is having a powerful moment. Our role is to help them recognize that power and then, through gentle guidance and consistent modeling, help their "divine soul" access its own power. This isn't about lecturing or punishing, but about creating a supportive environment where they can learn to exercise self-control and redirect their impulses towards holiness. The idea that "wisdom surpasses folly as light surpasses darkness" is a beautiful reminder that even a little bit of focused effort on the part of our divine soul can push back the "darkness" of impulsive urges. Our task is to help our children cultivate that inner light, not by extinguishing the darkness, but by illuminating it and guiding them towards the brighter path.

The Tanya acknowledges that even the benoni experiences desires for worldly pleasures, and that sinful thoughts can arise. This is not a sign of failure, but a natural part of being human. The critical distinction is that these thoughts do not lead to actual transgression if the "small city" is functioning well. The intellect, guided by the divine soul, can restrain the heart's desires. This is a profound lesson for parenting. We will see our children struggle with desires – for sweets, for screen time, for attention. Our job is not to eliminate these desires, but to teach them how to manage them. How can they delay gratification? How can they find healthy outlets for their energy? How can they understand that some desires are not aligned with their values? This is where our own role-modeling becomes paramount. When we demonstrate our own ability to manage our impulses, to choose kindness over anger, to prioritize our values over fleeting desires, we are teaching our children the most powerful lessons. The benoni is never wicked, even for a moment, because they actively push away and refuse to willingly indulge in wicked thoughts. This is the aspiration we can nurture in our children: the ability to recognize a negative impulse and consciously choose not to dwell on it or act on it. This isn't about perfection, but about the constant, conscious effort to align oneself with goodness. It’s about the internal practice of saying "no" to the temptation and "yes" to the better path, even when it's hard. This is the ongoing work of building the resilient, self-governing "small city" within our children, a journey that is deeply Jewish and profoundly human.

Text Snapshot

"The benoni (intermediate) is he in whom evil never attains enough power to capture the “small city,” so as to clothe itself in the body and make it sin. That is to say, the three “garments” of the animal soul, namely, thought, speech, and act, originating in the kelipah, do not prevail within him over the divine soul to the extent of clothing themselves in the body—in the brain, in the mouth, and in the other 248 parts—thereby causing them to sin and defiling them, G–d forbid." — Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:1

Activity

Building Our Inner "Small City": A Family Exploration

This activity aims to help families understand the concept of our inner world and how we can cultivate positive thoughts, speech, and actions. It's about empowering children to recognize their inner impulses and make conscious choices.

For Toddlers (Ages 2-4)

Activity: The "Feeling Friends" Puppet Show

• Concept: Introduce basic emotions and the idea that we can choose how to respond to them.
• Time: 5-10 minutes.
• Materials: Two simple hand puppets (or even stuffed animals) – one representing a happy/calm character, and one representing a frustrated/excited character. You can also use sock puppets or draw simple faces on paper bags.
• How-To:
  1. Introduce the puppets: "This is Benny the Bear. Benny is feeling very happy today! He loves playing with his toys!" (Make Benny puppet wave and smile). "And this is Rosie the Rabbit. Rosie is feeling a little bit frustrated right now because her tower fell down." (Make Rosie puppet droop and look sad/annoyed).
  2. Show the impulse: "Uh oh! Benny took Rosie's favorite block!" (Benny puppet snatches a block). Rosie feels angry. What does Rosie want to do? Maybe Rosie wants to shout 'Give it back!' or push Benny!" (Make Rosie puppet stomp her feet).
  3. Introduce the choice: "But wait, Rosie remembers something. She remembers that sometimes, when we feel angry, we can take a deep breath. Let's try it together!" (Guide your child in taking a deep breath, maybe with a silly sound effect). "Now, Rosie can use her words. She can say, 'Benny, I was playing with that block. Can I have it back, please?'" (Make Rosie puppet speak calmly).
  4. Positive outcome: "Benny hears Rosie. He says, 'Oh, I'm sorry, Rosie! Here you go!' And they can share the block." (Puppets exchange the block amicably).
  5. Discussion: "Sometimes we feel like shouting or pushing, but we can choose to use our words or take a breath. That's like having a little helper inside us that helps us choose the good way!"

For Elementary Schoolers (Ages 5-10)

Activity: The "Thought, Word, Deed" Jar

• Concept: Visually represent how thoughts, words, and actions are connected and how we can fill our "jar" with positive contributions.
• Time: 10 minutes.
• Materials: A clear jar, small slips of paper, pens or crayons.
• How-To:
  1. Introduce the "Small City": "Today, we're going to talk about our own 'small city' inside us – our brains, our mouths, and our bodies! It's where all our thoughts, words, and actions happen. We want to fill our 'small city' with good things!"
  2. Explain the Jar: "This jar is like our 'small city.' We're going to write down good thoughts, kind words, and helpful actions we do or see, and put them in the jar. These are like the 'garments' of our divine soul."
  3. Brainstorming: "Let's think of some good things we can put in our jar. What are some kind words we can say?" (Examples: 'Thank you,' 'I love you,' 'You did a great job,' 'Can I help?'). "What are some helpful actions we can do?" (Examples: 'Helping set the table,' 'Sharing my toys,' 'Cleaning up my room,' 'Listening when someone is talking'). "What are some good thoughts we can have?" (Examples: 'I'm grateful for my family,' 'I can do this,' 'Let me try to be patient').
  4. Writing and Decorating: Have each family member write down one or two ideas on separate slips of paper and decorate them if they wish.
  5. Filling the Jar: Together, place the slips of paper into the jar.
  6. Reflection: "Look at all these good things! When we think good thoughts, say kind words, and do helpful deeds, we are filling our inner 'small city' with light. If we ever feel like saying something mean or doing something we shouldn't, we can remember all the good things in our jar and try to choose those instead." You can keep the jar visible as a reminder.

For Tweens and Teens (Ages 11+)

Activity: "Impulse vs. Intention" Scenario Cards

• Concept: Explore the internal struggle between immediate desires and deeper values, and how to exercise self-control.
• Time: 10 minutes.
• Materials: Index cards, pens.
• How-To:
  1. Introduce the Benoni Concept: "The Tanya talks about a 'benoni,' someone who isn't perfect but also isn't wicked. They have desires and impulses, but their 'divine soul' can manage them. It's like having a powerful brain that can control the 'heart's' immediate urges. We're going to practice this."
  2. Create Scenario Cards: Write down common scenarios where impulses might clash with intentions or values. Examples:
     • "Your friend is gossiping about someone you both know. You feel tempted to join in and hear the juicy details."
     • "You're really tired after a long day, and your parent asks you to help with a chore you don't feel like doing."
     • "You see something online that looks really fun and exciting, but you know it might not be appropriate or safe."
     • "You're feeling jealous of a sibling's success or possessions."
     • "You're about to send a quick, angry text message in response to something that upset you."
  3. Scenario Discussion:
     • Pick a card. Read it aloud.
     • Impulse: "What's the immediate impulse here? What does the 'animal soul' want to do?" (Allow for honest brainstorming, e.g., "join in the gossip," "say 'no, I'm too tired'," "click on the link," "feel angry").
     • Intention/Divine Soul: "Now, what's the 'divine soul' or your deeper intention? What are your values? What would be the more thoughtful, kind, or wise thing to do?" (Examples: "Remember that gossip hurts people," "Think about how I'd feel if someone did that to me," "Recognize that helping is important, even when it's hard," "Consider the potential risks," "Focus on being happy for my sibling," "Take a breath and respond calmly or not at all").
     • The "Small City" Action: "How can your 'small city' – your brain and willpower – step in to manage the impulse and choose the intention? What specific thought or action can you take to redirect yourself?" (Examples: "Mentally change the subject," "Say 'I'm not comfortable talking about this'," "Suggest a compromise for the chore," "Close the tab and do something else," "Practice saying 'Mazel Tov' genuinely," "Write down your feelings in a journal instead of texting").
  4. Emphasize Effort: "It's not about never having the impulse. It's about recognizing it and practicing the skill of redirecting. That's the work of the benoni."

Script

Navigating Awkward Questions About "Good" and "Bad" Kids

It can be tough when little ones ask about "good" or "bad" people, especially when they've seen or experienced unfairness. The Tanya's concept of the benoni is a fantastic lens for responding with nuance, avoiding black-and-white thinking, and fostering empathy.

Script 1: For Younger Children (Ages 4-7) - "Everyone Tries Their Best"

(Scenario: Child asks, "Is Sarah a bad kid because she hit me?")

Parent: "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry Sarah hit you. That must have felt really yucky. You know, sometimes when people feel really big feelings inside – like anger or frustration – they don't know what to do with them, and they might do something that hurts others. It's like they have a strong feeling that takes over for a moment. It doesn't make them a 'bad kid,' but it means they need to learn how to handle those big feelings better. We can help Sarah learn to use her words or ask for help when she's feeling that way. And you, my darling, did a great job telling me what happened and asking for a hug. That was a very good choice!"

Script 2: For Elementary Schoolers (Ages 8-11) - "Inner Battles and Choices"

(Scenario: Child asks, "Why did Alex lie about breaking the vase? He's such a liar!")

Parent: "It's really frustrating when people lie, isn't it? And it's understandable why you'd feel upset about Alex doing that. The truth is, we all have those moments where we might be tempted to do something we know isn't right, maybe to avoid getting in trouble or because we're scared. It's like there's a little battle going on inside us. Alex probably felt scared, and that feeling made him choose to lie. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, but it does mean he needs to learn that telling the truth, even when it's hard, is always the better way. We can try to be people who, even when we're tempted by those feelings, choose to do the right thing. That's what makes us strong."

Script 3: For Tweens and Teens (Ages 12+) - "Complexity and Growth"

(Scenario: Teenager asks, "My friend is always getting into trouble and making bad decisions. Are they just a bad person?")

Parent: "That's a really complex question, and it's easy to label people when we see them making poor choices repeatedly. But think about what the Tanya talks about – the idea of the 'intermediate person,' the benoni. Nobody is perfectly good all the time, and nobody is inherently 'bad.' We all have different internal struggles and impulses. Sometimes, people get caught up in those impulses and don't have the tools or support to manage them effectively. It doesn't excuse the behavior, but it helps us understand that it's often a result of internal challenges rather than a fixed identity. The key is whether they are willing to learn and grow. Are they acknowledging their mistakes? Are they trying to make better choices? Our role, as supportive friends or family, is to encourage that growth, to offer guidance, and to set boundaries when necessary, without necessarily condemning the person entirely. It's about recognizing their potential for change and offering them the space and support to find it."

Script 4: For Situations Involving Accusations - "Focus on Understanding, Not Labels"

(Scenario: Child is accused of something they didn't do, and the accuser is calling them "bad.")

Parent: "I hear you saying that you didn't do [the action]. It's really upsetting to be accused of something you didn't do, especially when someone is calling you names. We know that inside, you're trying to be good and follow our family's values. Sometimes, people misunderstand things, or they might be feeling angry themselves and lash out. Our job is to try and understand what really happened, and for you to continue to act with kindness and truthfulness, even when it's difficult. Let's take a deep breath together."

Habit

The "Pause and Redirect" Micro-Habit

This week, let's focus on cultivating the ability to pause before reacting, and then consciously redirecting any negative impulses towards a more positive thought, word, or action. This is the core of building our inner "small city," as described in the Tanya.

How to Practice

1. Identify the Trigger: The first step is to become aware of those moments when you feel a strong impulse – it could be frustration, anger, impatience, or a desire to say something harsh. This might happen during a difficult conversation with your child, when you're feeling stressed, or when something doesn't go as planned.
2. The Physical Pause: As soon as you notice that trigger, consciously take a deep breath. This simple physical action creates a brief moment of space between the impulse and your reaction. You can even tell yourself, silently or out loud, "Pause."
3. The Mental Redirect: In that moment of pause, ask yourself:
   • "What is the strongest feeling I have right now?"
   • "What is the easiest thing to do or say right now?" (This is often the impulsive, negative reaction).
   • "What is the wisest or kindest thing to do or say?" (This is the redirect).
   • "What would my 'divine soul' want me to do here?"
4. Choose the Redirected Action: Even if it's just a tiny shift, make an effort to choose the wiser, kinder option. This might mean:
   • Instead of snapping, saying, "I need a moment to think about this."
   • Instead of complaining, finding one small thing to be grateful for.
   • Instead of dwelling on a mistake, focusing on what can be learned from it.
   • Instead of reacting with annoyance, offering a gentle word of encouragement.

Make it a Micro-Habit

• Goal: Aim to practice the "Pause and Redirect" at least once a day. It doesn't have to be a monumental moment. It could be when you're about to honk your horn impatiently in traffic, when you feel a surge of irritation at a spilled drink, or when you're tempted to vent your frustrations.
• Self-Compassion: If you forget or react impulsively, don't beat yourself up! That's part of the process. Just acknowledge it and recommit to trying again later or tomorrow. The Tanya is all about progress, not perfection.
• Involve the Family (Optional): You can even introduce this concept to older children. You might say, "Today, I'm going to try to remember to 'pause and redirect' when I feel frustrated. Maybe you can try it too!"

This habit is about building your inner "small city" by strengthening the muscles of self-awareness and conscious choice. It’s a quiet, internal practice that has profound ripple effects on your interactions and your overall sense of well-being.

Takeaway

The Tanya's vision of the benoni offers us a deeply realistic and compassionate approach to parenting. We don't need to strive for unattainable perfection in ourselves or our children. Instead, our focus can be on nurturing the internal "small city" within our children – the space where their divine soul can learn to manage impulses, choose thoughtful responses, and engage in actions aligned with kindness and holiness. By celebrating micro-wins, practicing mindful pauses, and fostering self-compassion, we empower our children to navigate their inner world with growing wisdom and grace. This journey of building inner resilience is the essence of good-enough parenting, and it's a journey filled with the potential for immense growth and connection.