Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:1

Shalom, and welcome! Today, we're diving into a foundational concept from the Tanya, a text that offers profound insights into our spiritual lives. It's a journey into understanding ourselves, our inner world, and how we navigate the complexities of being human. Remember, this is about growth, not perfection, and we're here to bless the beautiful, messy reality of parenting.

Insight

The Tanya introduces us to the concept of the benoni, the "intermediate" person. This isn't someone stuck in the middle, but rather someone who has achieved a remarkable internal balance. Imagine your inner world as a "small city." Within this city, you have different forces at play, primarily your divine soul and your animal soul. The animal soul, with its desires and impulses, can try to take over, to "clothe itself" in your actions, speech, and even thoughts, leading you away from holiness. The benoni, however, is someone whose inner "city" is structured in such a way that the animal soul never gains complete control. It can't force the divine soul's "garments"—thought, speech, and action focused on mitzvot (commandments)—to be corrupted into sin. This doesn't mean the animal soul disappears; its desires can still surface, especially after moments of spiritual intensity like prayer. However, the benoni's divine soul, particularly its intellectual faculties (known as chabad), remains dominant. When those worldly desires arise, the benoni has the capacity, through willpower rooted in their divine soul, to consciously reject them. They might think about them for a fleeting moment, but they won't dwell on them, act on them, or allow them to take root. This is the essence of the benoni's strength: the ability to recognize and push away negative impulses before they manifest into sinful actions, speech, or deeply ingrained, willful thoughts. It's about a constant, conscious effort to align with holiness. This state is achieved not by never having stumbled, but by developing the inner strength to always choose the good, even when faced with temptation. It’s a dynamic process of using our intellect to guide our emotions and actions, ensuring that the divine spark within us remains sovereign, even amidst the inevitable challenges of daily life. It’s a reminder that our capacity for good, for choosing holiness, is always present, and with conscious effort, we can strengthen that capacity. This understanding can be incredibly liberating for parents. We often feel the pressure to be perfect, to never falter. The benoni concept allows us to reframe our efforts. It’s not about eliminating all negative thoughts or desires, but about developing the resilience to not let them dictate our actions. It's about the daily, even moment-to-moment, choices we make to align with our higher selves, our divine soul. This is especially relevant in parenting, where we are constantly bombarded with demands, frustrations, and moments that test our patience. The benoni model offers a path to navigate these with greater intention and less self-recrimination. It teaches us that even when our animal soul's desires for rest, for ease, or for a moment of personal gratification arise, we have the inner power to acknowledge them and then redirect our focus towards the needs of our children and the values we hold dear. This isn't about suppressing our humanity, but about channeling it. It's about using our intellect, our "small city's" governing power, to ensure that our actions, our words to our children, and our thoughts about our parenting journey are aligned with our deepest spiritual aspirations. The benoni is not a static state, but a continuous practice of inner vigilance and conscious choice, a practice that is deeply relevant to the demanding yet rewarding journey of raising a family.

Text Snapshot

"The benoni (intermediate) is he in whom evil never attains enough power to capture the 'small city,' so as to clothe itself in the body and make it sin. That is to say, the three 'garments' of the animal soul, namely, thought, speech, and act, originating in the kelipah, do not prevail within him over the divine soul to the extent of clothing themselves in the body—in the brain, in the mouth, and in the other 248 parts—thereby causing them to sin and defiling them, G–d forbid. Only the three garments of the divine soul, they alone are implemented in the body, being the thought, speech, and act engaged in the 613 commandments of the Torah." (Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:1)

Activity

The "Thought Shower" Challenge (≤ 10 min)

This activity is designed to help you and your child practice recognizing and managing thoughts, a core aspect of the benoni concept. It’s about acknowledging thoughts without letting them take over, and then choosing your focus.

For Parents:

1. Set the Stage (1 minute): Find a quiet moment, perhaps after dinner or before bed, with your child. Explain that you're going to play a game about thoughts. You can say, "You know how sometimes we have lots of thoughts buzzing around in our heads? Today, we're going to pretend our heads are like a shower, and thoughts are like water droplets! We can see them, but they don't have to soak us or get us all wet if we don't want them to."

2. The "Thought Shower" (3-5 minutes):

   • Ask your child to close their eyes for a moment (if they are comfortable doing so) or just look up towards the ceiling.
   • Tell them to imagine thoughts coming down like gentle raindrops or soft mist. You can even make a gentle "shushing" sound or a soft, wavy hand motion to represent the flow of thoughts.
   • Say things like, "Okay, I see a thought about playing with toys coming down... shooosh... and gone." Or, "There's a thought about what we'll have for breakfast tomorrow... shooosh... and it's moving on."
   • Encourage your child to name any thoughts that come to mind, or you can offer examples relevant to them. The key is to acknowledge the thought, perhaps give it a quick, gentle "label" (e.g., "a playtime thought," "a snack thought"), and then let it "pass through" like water. You can use phrases like, "Oh, there's a thought about that game we played earlier! Let it wash over and then move on."

3. Choosing What to Focus On (2-3 minutes):

   • After a few minutes of "thought showering," say, "Now, sometimes, there are thoughts we want to hold onto, like thoughts about being kind, or about how much we love someone, or about something fun we're going to do."
   • Ask your child, "What's one good thought you'd like to keep with you for a little while? Maybe a happy thought, or a loving thought?"
   • Have them share that thought and briefly focus on it. You can say, "Yes, thinking about Grandma is a wonderful thought! Let's hold onto that happy feeling for a moment."
   • This part mirrors the benoni's ability to focus on the positive, divine thoughts.

For Children:

• Participation: Encourage them to name their thoughts, or to simply nod or say "yes" when you describe a passing thought.
• Imagination: The more they can engage their imagination, the more effective this will be.
• No Judgment: Emphasize that all thoughts are okay to have, but we get to choose which ones we listen to or act on. This is the core lesson.

Why it works:

• Metaphorical Learning: The "thought shower" provides a gentle, non-threatening metaphor for the constant stream of thoughts we experience. It normalizes having many thoughts without assigning them moral weight initially.
• Active Rejection/Acceptance: The game teaches the basic mechanics of acknowledging a thought and then allowing it to pass (like the benoni's rejection of unwanted impulses) or choosing to focus on a positive one (like the benoni's focus on holiness).
• Time-Bound: It's short and sweet, fitting into a busy schedule.
• Empowerment: It subtly introduces the idea that we have agency over our inner world, a crucial lesson for children developing self-regulation.

Script

Parent (to child, feeling a bit frustrated or overwhelmed): "Hey sweetie, can we chat for a second?"

Child (potentially defensive or confused): "What is it now?"

Parent (calmly, with a gentle smile): "I know sometimes it feels like I'm asking a lot, or maybe I'm not always perfect. It’s like, inside my head, there's this little voice that says, 'Just relax for five minutes!' or 'Why is this so hard?' You know? That’s my 'animal soul' trying to get its way, wanting things to be easy."

Child (listening, perhaps curious): "Your animal soul?"

Parent: "Yeah, it’s like the part of me that wants what it wants, right away. But then, there's another voice, a stronger one, that says, 'But you promised your child you’d do this,' or 'Being patient now will help them learn.' That's my 'divine soul,' the part that wants to do good and be a good parent. So, even when that little voice says 'easy,' I try really hard to listen to the 'good parent' voice. Sometimes I mess up, and I’m sorry if I do. But I’m always trying my best to let the good voice win. And you know what? You help me do that a lot, just by being you."

Why it works:

• Demystifies "Bad" Impulses: It frames internal conflict not as personal failing, but as a natural, internal dynamic ("animal soul" vs. "divine soul").
• Models Self-Awareness: It shows the child that parents have internal struggles and are working on them.
• Focuses on Effort: It emphasizes the effort to choose the good, rather than claiming perfection.
• Affirms the Child: It subtly includes the child as part of the parent's motivation to be good.
• Short and Direct: Gets the message across quickly without over-explaining.

Habit

The "Moment of Awareness" Micro-Habit (≤ 1 minute daily)

Goal: To practice recognizing an impulse before acting on it, and consciously choosing a response.

How to do it:

1. Choose a Trigger: Pick one specific, recurring moment in your day. It could be when you first wake up, when you sit down to eat, when you get a notification on your phone, or when your child asks for something.
2. The Pause: When that trigger moment occurs, pause for just one breath.
3. The Question: Ask yourself internally, "What is my first impulse right now?" Just notice it. Is it to grab your phone? To sigh in frustration? To say "yes" immediately? To say "no" immediately?
4. The Gentle Redirect (Optional, but encouraged): If the impulse is not aligned with your intention (e.g., you want to be more present with your child), take another breath and mentally say, "Okay, I noticed that impulse. Now, what's a more helpful or intentional response?" This might be putting your phone down, taking a mindful sip of water, or responding to your child with a calm tone.

Example:

• Trigger: Your phone buzzes with a notification.
• Pause: You stop for a breath.
• Awareness: Your first impulse is to immediately grab your phone and check it.
• Gentle Redirect: You acknowledge, "Okay, I noticed I want to check my phone. For this moment, I'm going to focus on what I'm doing right now." (And then you continue with your task).

Why it works:

• Micro-Intervention: It's incredibly short, making it doable even on the busiest days.
• Builds Self-Awareness: It trains you to be more attuned to your automatic reactions.
• Creates Space for Choice: It introduces a tiny gap between impulse and action, where intentionality can enter.
• Progress, Not Perfection: The goal isn't to stop all impulses, but to become more aware of them and to practice making conscious choices.

Takeaway

The wisdom of the benoni reminds us that true spiritual strength isn't about an absence of temptation, but about the consistent, conscious choice to align our thoughts, speech, and actions with our highest values. For us as parents, this means embracing the ongoing practice of self-awareness and intentionality. We don't need to be perfect, but we can strive to be present, to acknowledge our internal world with kindness, and to consciously choose the path of goodness, even in the midst of our beautiful, chaotic lives. May we find strength and peace in this continuous journey of growth.