Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:10

Jewish Parenting in 15: The Benoni Parent - Navigating the Inner City

Insight

The passage from Tanya, Likkutei Amarim 12:10, introduces us to the concept of the benoni, a spiritual state described as an "intermediate" level of spiritual attainment. For us as parents, this concept offers a profound and incredibly freeing perspective on our own internal lives and, by extension, our parenting. The benoni is not someone who has eradicated all negative impulses or desires; rather, it is someone whose "evil" never gains enough power to fully "clothe itself in the body and make it sin." This is a crucial distinction. It means that the benoni experiences the full spectrum of human desires and inclinations – the good, the bad, and the deeply complex – but has developed a sophisticated internal mechanism, primarily driven by their divine soul, to prevent these negative impulses from manifesting as harmful actions, words, or even persistent, destructive thoughts. The divine soul's "garments" of thought, speech, and act are engaged in fulfilling Mitzvot (commandments), acting as a bulwark against the "garments" of the animal soul, which originate in the kelipah (the husk or shell of negativity).

This understanding is a game-changer for parents because so much of parenting is infused with the internal struggle described here. We are not expected to be perfect, untouched beings. We are human beings with complex inner lives, grappling with our own desires, frustrations, and moments of weakness. The benoni model doesn't demand that we never feel anger, jealousy, or impatience. Instead, it emphasizes our capacity, through the power of our divine soul and our intellect, to manage these feelings, to prevent them from dictating our actions, and to ultimately channel our energy toward positive, constructive engagement with the world and our children. This is about the ongoing, dynamic process of internal governance, not a state of static perfection. The Tanya highlights that even the benoni experiences fluctuations. During times of heightened spiritual connection, like prayer, the divine soul's influence is more pronounced. But afterward, the "evil in the left part reawakens," and desires for worldly pleasures can resurface. The key is that the benoni has the built-in ability to restrain these impulses, to prevent them from "clothing themselves in the body," meaning from being acted upon. This is the essence of "good enough" parenting, elevated by a profound spiritual understanding. We are not aiming for a flawless performance, but for a consistent, conscious effort to manage our inner "small city" so that our actions and our children's experiences are guided by our highest values, even when our baser instincts stir.

The benoni is characterized by the fact that they have never committed a transgression, and the name "wicked" cannot be applied to them, even temporarily. However, the text is clear that this doesn't mean they are a tzaddik (righteous person) in the sense of having completely sublimated all natural impulses. The tzaddik is described as someone whose good deeds exceed their bad, while the benoni is far superior, as they never transgress. This is where the real practical application for parenting lies. We, as busy parents, are rarely living in a constant state of spiritual sublimity. We have moments of intense focus and connection with our children, and we have moments where the demands of life, our own exhaustion, or external pressures can make our less-than-ideal impulses feel very strong. The benoni model gives us permission to acknowledge this reality without guilt. It tells us that the crucial element is not the absence of struggle, but the response to that struggle. Do we allow the impulse to "clothe itself in the body" and lead to yelling, impatience, or dismissiveness? Or do we, like the benoni, use our intellect, our divine spark, to redirect that energy, to choose kindness, patience, and understanding, even when it's hard? This is the daily work of parenting – managing our internal landscape so that it serves, rather than sabotages, our efforts to raise compassionate, resilient, and connected children. The Tanya teaches us that we possess the innate capacity to do this, that our wisdom (our divine soul's influence) inherently surpasses folly (the negative impulses), just as light banishes darkness. This isn't about suppressing our emotions entirely, but about mastering them, about ensuring that our thoughts, words, and actions are aligned with our deepest values and our commitment to our children's well-being.

Furthermore, the text emphasizes that the divine soul's dominion is not always constant. It is particularly strong during prayer, when we are consciously connecting with G-d. This suggests that intentional moments of spiritual practice, even brief ones, can fortify our inner defenses. However, once that intense focus wanes, the "evil in the left part reawakens." This is a perfect metaphor for the ebb and flow of parenting. We might have a beautiful, connected moment with our child, and then suddenly, a crisis erupts – a spilled drink, a tantrum, a sibling squabble – and our patience is tested to its limit. The benoni model assures us that it's okay if these desires for release (like yelling) resurface. The critical point is our ability to not act on them. The text states that the benoni doesn't "carry out this desire from the potential into the actual by clothing itself in the bodily limbs." This means that even if we feel the urge to snap, we can consciously choose not to. We can take a breath, remind ourselves of our commitment to mindful parenting, and respond differently. This is the power of the "small city" within us, the inner citadel that can be governed by our higher selves. The Tanya offers us a framework for understanding our own internal battles not as failures, but as opportunities to exercise our spiritual muscles. It's about recognizing the internal tug-of-war and actively choosing to strengthen the forces of goodness, wisdom, and love, even when the forces of impatience, frustration, and anger feel overwhelmingly strong. This is the path of the benoni parent – imperfect, striving, and ultimately, deeply capable of creating a positive and nurturing environment.

The passage also touches upon the power of "sinful thoughts." It notes that the benoni doesn't willingly entertain wicked thoughts, even if they arise spontaneously. This is incredibly relevant to parents who might experience intrusive, negative thoughts about their children or their parenting. The Tanya tells us that the evil has no power to compel our volition. We can, and are encouraged to, "thrust them out with both hands." This means we have agency. Even if a fleeting thought of "I can't stand this anymore" crosses our mind, we don't have to dwell on it or let it define our feelings or actions. We can actively reject it and redirect our focus. This is about conscious thought management. Similarly, in interpersonal relationships, the benoni actively counters feelings of animosity or jealousy with kindness and love, even to the point of "suffering from him to the extreme limits without becoming provoked." This is the ultimate goal of mindful parenting – to cultivate a deep well of empathy and patience, to respond to challenges with grace and love, rather than reactive anger. The benoni model is not about achieving a state where negative feelings never arise; it's about cultivating the inner strength and wisdom to ensure that these feelings do not dictate our actions or damage our relationships. It's about embracing the journey, the ongoing process of self-mastery, and finding joy and meaning in the effort, recognizing that each conscious choice to act from our higher self is a micro-win that contributes to the larger picture of raising children in a loving and spiritually grounded home.

Text Snapshot

The benoni is he in whom evil never attains enough power to capture the “small city,” so as to clothe itself in the body and make it sin. That is to say, the three “garments” of the animal soul, namely, thought, speech, and act, originating in the kelipah, do not prevail within him over the divine soul to the extent of clothing themselves in the body—in the brain, in the mouth, and in the other 248 parts—thereby causing them to sin and defiling them, G–d forbid. Only the three garments of the divine soul, they alone are implemented in the body, being the thought, speech, and act engaged in the 613 commandments of the Torah. He has never committed, nor ever will commit, any transgression; neither can the name “wicked” be applied to him even temporarily, or even for a moment, throughout his life.

Activity

Understanding Our Inner "Small City"

This activity helps children (and parents!) visualize the internal struggle and the power of choosing positive actions. The goal is to make the abstract concept of managing impulses tangible and relatable.

For Toddlers (Ages 2-4): The "Happy Helper" vs. The "Grumpy Grabber"

• Objective: Introduce the idea that we have different impulses inside us and that we can choose to be a "happy helper."
• Materials: Two simple puppets or stuffed animals (one representing kindness/helpfulness, the other representing frustration/taking). A small toy that can be shared or built with.
• Activity (5-7 minutes):
  1. Introduce the Puppets: "Look! This is Benny the Bear. Benny loves to help and share! And this is Grumpy Gus. Grumpy Gus sometimes feels frustrated and wants to grab things."
  2. Scenario 1 (Sharing): Present the toy. "Oh no! Both Benny and Gus want to play with the car! Benny the Bear feels a little sad, but he remembers to say, 'Can I have a turn after you?' He's being a happy helper!" (Demonstrate gentle asking or waiting). "Grumpy Gus sometimes wants to just grab the car and say 'Mine!' But that's not very kind, is it?"
  3. Scenario 2 (Frustration): Pretend to build a block tower that falls. "Uh oh! The tower fell down! Benny the Bear might feel a little sad, but he says, 'Let's build it again together!' He's a happy helper!" "Grumpy Gus might feel like yelling or throwing the blocks. But we don't want to be Grumpy Gus when we're playing, do we? We want to be Benny the Bear, the happy helper!"
  4. Child Participation: Ask your child, "When you want to share, are you being like Benny the Bear?" "When you feel frustrated, do you want to be like Benny the Bear and ask for help, or like Grumpy Gus and grab?" Gently guide them towards choosing the "happy helper" response.
  5. Parent Modeling: Throughout the day, narrate your own choices: "Mommy feels a little frustrated because the milk spilled, but I'm going to take a deep breath and clean it up calmly, like Benny the Bear."

For Elementary Schoolers (Ages 5-10): The "Inner Voice" Game

• Objective: Help children identify different internal impulses and practice choosing constructive responses. Connect it to the idea of a "good choice" and a "not-so-good choice."
• Materials: Index cards or slips of paper, markers.
• Activity (7-10 minutes):
  1. Explain the "Inner City": "Imagine your body is like a little city. Inside your city, you have different voices or feelings. Sometimes a voice says, 'I really want that cookie right now!' (Write 'Want Cookie Now!' on a card). Sometimes another voice says, 'Wait, maybe I should finish my homework first.' (Write 'Finish Homework First' on another card)."
  2. Brainstorm Scenarios: Together, brainstorm common situations:

    *   Sibling takes your toy.
    *   You don't want to do chores.
    *   You feel left out by friends.
    *   You made a mistake and broke something.
3.  **Inner Voices Cards:** For each scenario, write down two possible "inner voices" or impulses: one that might lead to a negative reaction (e.g., "Yell at my sibling!", "Ignore the chore!", "Feel sad and alone!", "Hide it!"). And one that leads to a more constructive response (e.g., "Use my words calmly," "Ask for help with the chore," "Talk to a grown-up," "Tell the truth and apologize").
4.  **"Choosing Your Voice" Role-Play:** Pick a scenario card. Read the "not-so-good" voice. "Okay, so this voice is saying, 'Yell at my sibling!' What might happen if you yell?" Discuss the consequences. Then read the "good choice" voice. "Now, this voice is saying, 'Use my words calmly.' What might happen if you try that?" Discuss the positive outcomes.
5.  **Child Choice:** Have your child pick a scenario and then choose which "inner voice" they want to listen to and act upon. Encourage them to explain *why* they chose that voice.
6.  **Reinforce:** "It's okay if the 'not-so-good' voice pops up sometimes! That happens to everyone. The important thing is that you can *choose* which voice you want to be the boss of your actions."

For Teens (Ages 11+): The "Impulse Control Challenge"

• Objective: Encourage self-reflection on the nature of impulses versus actions and the power of conscious decision-making.
• Materials: Journal or notebook, pen.
• Activity (8-10 minutes):
  1. Introduce the Concept: "The Tanya talks about the 'benoni' – someone who doesn't let negative impulses fully control their actions. Think about your own 'inner city.' We all have urges, frustrations, desires that pop up. The key isn't never having them, but how we respond."
  2. Impulse vs. Action Log: Have them take out their journal. Ask them to think about a recent situation where they felt a strong urge or impulse (e.g., to lash out at a parent, to procrastinate on homework, to say something hurtful online, to give in to peer pressure).
  3. Describe the Impulse: "First, describe the impulse. What did it feel like? What did that inner voice say? Be specific. For example, 'I felt a surge of anger and wanted to slam my door.'"
  4. Describe the Action (or Non-Action): "Now, what did you actually do? Did you act on the impulse? If so, what was the outcome? If you didn't act on it, what did you do instead? What was the outcome?"
  5. Reflection Questions:
     • "What was the difference between the impulse and your final action?"
     • "What helped you choose your action (or non-action)?" (e.g., thinking about consequences, remembering values, taking a breath, reminding yourself of a goal).
     • "If you acted on the impulse, do you wish you had chosen differently? Why?"
     • "If you resisted the impulse, how did that feel afterwards?"
  6. "The Benoni's Choice": "The benoni is someone who consistently uses their intellect and higher self to guide their actions, even when impulses are strong. This is a skill we can all develop. Think about one small way you can practice this 'benoni choice' in the next 24 hours. Write it down." (e.g., "If I feel annoyed by my sibling, I'll count to 10 before speaking.")

Script

Navigating Awkward Questions About Our Own Imperfections

It’s inevitable: kids, especially as they get older, will notice our less-than-perfect moments. They might see us lose our temper, say something we regret, or struggle with something. The benoni concept offers a powerful framework for responding honestly without creating guilt, and instead, modeling self-awareness and growth.

Script 1: After a Moment of Frustration (e.g., Yelling at a Sibling)

• Child: "Mom/Dad, why did you yell at [sibling's name] like that? That wasn't nice!"
• Parent (calmly, meeting their eye): "You're right, honey. I wasn't as calm and patient as I wanted to be just then. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really frustrated or overwhelmed, my voice gets louder than it should. That's something I'm working on. My brain was telling me to yell, but my heart knows that's not the best way to solve things. So, I'm sorry I yelled. I'm going to try to take a deep breath next time."
• Follow-up (if needed): "It's okay for grown-ups to make mistakes too. The important thing is to learn from them and try to do better. Thank you for pointing that out to me."

Script 2: When a Child Observes a Parent Struggling with a Task

• Child: "Why are you getting so stressed out about [the task]? It's not that hard!"
• Parent: "That's a good question. You're right, for you, this might seem simple. But for me right now, it's feeling a bit tricky. My brain is telling me, 'This is annoying, I want to give up!' But I'm trying to listen to another part of me that says, 'Keep going, you can figure this out.' It's like a little battle inside my head. I'm choosing to keep trying, even though it's a bit hard."
• Follow-up: "Sometimes, when things are hard, we feel like giving up. But I'm practicing not letting that feeling win. I'm using my 'thinking brain' to help me push through."

Script 3: When a Child Asks About a Past Mistake You've Admitted To

• Child: "Remember when you said [something you regret]? Why did you say that?"
• Parent: "Oh, yes. You have a good memory. When I said that, I wasn't thinking clearly. I was feeling [mention the underlying emotion honestly, e.g., tired, worried, impatient], and my words came out wrong. It wasn't kind, and it wasn't true to how I want to be as a parent. The 'Tanya' talks about how we have different 'voices' inside us, and sometimes the not-so-good ones can get loud. I'm always trying to make sure my 'good voice' is the one making the decisions. I'm glad you asked, because it reminds me to be extra careful with my words."
• Follow-up: "It's a process, learning to manage ourselves. We all have moments where we don't act as our best selves, but we can always learn and grow from them."

Script 4: Acknowledging a Moment of "Weakness" (e.g., Giving In to a Temptation)

• Child: "You said you weren't going to buy [that treat], but you did!"
• Parent: "You noticed! Yes, you're right. I had decided not to buy it because [reason, e.g., it's not healthy, we have enough treats at home]. But then, in that moment, I really wanted it, and it felt easier to just get it than to say no. That was a moment where my 'wanting' part was stronger than my 'wise decision' part. It's something I need to work on. Next time, I'll try to remember my decision and stick to it, even if I really want something in the moment."
• Follow-up: "It's a reminder for me, and for you too, that even when we make plans, sometimes our feelings can try to change our minds. We have to be strong and remember what's important. Thank you for helping me remember that."

Script 5: When a Child Asks About Your Own "Bad" Thoughts

• Child: "Do you ever think bad things about me?"
• Parent (with empathy): "That's a really important question, and I'm glad you're asking it. Sometimes, even parents have thoughts that pop into their head that aren't kind or helpful. Maybe I'm feeling tired, or stressed, and a thought pops up like, 'Why are you being so loud?' But here's the thing: those are just thoughts. They aren't real. And they definitely aren't what I believe about you. My heart loves you very, very much, and my brain knows you are wonderful. The important part is that I don't act on those unhelpful thoughts, and I don't let them change how I feel about you. Those thoughts are like clouds passing by; my love for you is like the sun, always shining."
• Follow-up: "It's okay if you ever have thoughts that feel 'bad' or 'wrong.' The key is to recognize them, not to act on them, and to know that they don't define you or your worth. We can always choose kindness and love."

Habit

The "One Deep Breath" Pause

• The Micro-Habit: Before responding to a frustrating situation with your child, consciously take one deep, slow breath.
• Why This Works (Connecting to Tanya): This habit directly taps into the benoni's ability to prevent the "animal soul's garments" of immediate reaction from "clothing themselves in the body." That single breath creates a tiny space – a moment where your intellect, your divine soul's influence, can assert itself over the impulsive urge. It’s a physical manifestation of the internal redirection described in the Tanya. It’s not about eradicating the frustration; it’s about not letting it immediately dictate your speech or action. This pause allows your "wisdom" to surpass the immediate "folly" of an uncontrolled reaction.
• How to Implement This Week:
  1. Set the Intention: Each morning, briefly remind yourself: "This week, I'll practice the one-breath pause."
  2. Identify Triggers: Notice what kinds of situations tend to make you feel reactive (e.g., sibling squabbles, messes, demands for attention when you're busy).
  3. Practice the Pause: The moment you feel that surge of frustration, impatience, or anger, stop. Close your eyes for a second if you can, and take one slow, deep inhale through your nose and a long exhale through your mouth.
  4. Respond (Differently, if Possible): After the breath, try to respond with a little more intention. It doesn't have to be perfect; even a slightly calmer tone or a more thoughtful word is a win.
  5. Acknowledge the Effort: At the end of the day, mentally (or even in a journal) acknowledge any times you managed to take that breath, regardless of what happened next. The act of pausing is the success.
• Goal: By the end of the week, this pause should start to feel more automatic, creating a small but significant buffer between impulse and action. It's a foundational practice for building inner control, mirroring the benoni's internal governance.

Takeaway

The benoni model from Tanya offers us a profound and liberating truth: we are not expected to be perfect, but to be proficient in managing our inner lives. Our divine soul gives us the inherent capacity to prevent negative impulses from leading to harmful actions. This week, by practicing the "one deep breath" pause, we are actively cultivating this capacity, creating space for our wisdom to guide our responses, even when our animal soul feels stirred. We are not defined by the passing thoughts or feelings, but by our conscious choice to act from our highest selves. Bless the chaos, celebrate the tries, and know that each moment you choose intentionality over impulse, you are embodying the spirit of the benoni parent.