Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:10

Here is your Jewish Parenting in 15 lesson, designed for busy parents and focusing on the concept of the benoni from the Tanya.

Jewish Parenting in 15: The "Good Enough" Parent

Insight: Embracing the "Benoni" in Parenthood

This week, we’re diving into a fascinating concept from the Tanya, a foundational text in Chabad Chassidus: the idea of the benoni, often translated as the "intermediate" person. This isn't about being mediocre; it's about a profound state of being where the "evil inclination" never truly conquers the "divine soul." In the context of parenting, this is a radical and freeing idea. We are not aiming for perfection, for flawless execution of every parenting strategy, or for children who never falter. Instead, the benoni model invites us to embrace the "good enough" parent. The Tanya describes the benoni as someone whose inner struggle with negative impulses never leads to actual sin or defilement of their being. Their "divine soul" – their capacity for goodness, love, and connection – always ultimately prevails, even if the "evil inclination" (our own frustrations, impatience, or exhaustion) makes its presence known.

Think about it: how often do we fall into the trap of believing that we should be perfect parents? That we should always have the right words, the perfect reaction, the unwavering patience. This text reminds us that even the most spiritually elevated individuals grapple with these inner battles. The key is not the absence of struggle, but the ultimate triumph of the good. For us as parents, this means recognizing that our moments of imperfection, our slips in patience, our feeling of being overwhelmed – these do not define us as "bad" parents. They are simply the stirrings of the "evil inclination" in the "small city" of our being. What matters is that our core commitment to our children, our innate love and desire for their well-being, remains the guiding force. The benoni doesn't eliminate the "foolishness" or the "darkness"; rather, their "wisdom" (their connection to their higher self, their love for G-d and humanity) is strong enough to prevent it from taking root and causing actual harm.

In our parenting journey, this translates to understanding that our children are also on their own paths of growth, encountering their own struggles. We are not meant to be their perfect guides, but their loving, imperfect, and persistent companions. The benoni focuses on the intent and the ultimate outcome of their actions. Even when they experience negative thoughts or impulses, they actively push them away and redirect their energy towards good. This is the essence of resilience in parenting. We will have moments of anger, frustration, or exhaustion. The goal isn't to never feel these things, but to consciously choose how we respond. Can we, like the benoni, recognize the negative impulse and then actively choose to act with kindness, understanding, and love? Can we redirect our own internal dialogue from self-criticism to self-compassion, and then extend that same grace to our children? This concept liberates us from the crushing weight of unrealistic expectations, allowing us to celebrate the small victories, the moments of connection, and the persistent effort to choose love, even when it’s hard. It’s about understanding that our "good enough" is, in fact, divinely good.

Text Snapshot

"The benoni (intermediate) is he in whom evil never attains enough power to capture the 'small city,' so as to clothe itself in the body and make it sin. That is to say, the three 'garments' of the animal soul, namely, thought, speech, and act, originating in the kelipah [the evil inclination], do not prevail within him over the divine soul to the extent of clothing themselves in the body... thereby causing them to sin and defiling them, G–d forbid. Only the three garments of the divine soul, they alone are implemented in the body, being the thought, speech, and act engaged in the 613 commandments of the Torah."

(Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:10)

Activity: The "Gratitude Rewire" Minute

This activity is designed to help shift focus from the minor frustrations of the day to the underlying goodness, mirroring the benoni's ability to redirect negative thoughts.

Time: 5-7 minutes (can be done with children aged 6 and up)

Materials: None needed, but a journal or a piece of paper can be helpful for older children or parents.

Instructions:

1. Parent Prep (1 minute): Before you start, take a moment to acknowledge your own "inner dialogue." Did you have a moment of impatience today? Did a frustrating situation arise? Briefly note it without judgment. This is just an acknowledgment.

2. Gather the Family (1 minute): Find a calm moment, perhaps after dinner, before bedtime, or even at the breakfast table. Invite your child(ren) to join you for a quick "Gratitude Rewire" minute.

3. The Prompt (2 minutes): Say something like: "Sometimes, our brains get stuck on the tricky or annoying stuff, right? Like when [mention a relatable, minor frustration, e.g., someone didn't clean up their toys, or a sibling was being loud]. But our Tanya teaches us that even when those thoughts pop up, our good feelings and our ability to choose kindness are always stronger! So, let's take just one minute to 'rewire' our brains and focus on the good."

   Then, go around and have each person share ONE thing they are genuinely grateful for in this moment or from today. It can be something big or small. Examples:

   • "I'm grateful for the yummy dinner we had."
   • "I'm grateful for my blanket that keeps me warm."
   • "I'm grateful that my friend smiled at me today."
   • "I'm grateful for the sunshine outside."
   • "I'm grateful for you, Mommy/Daddy."

4. Parental Reinforcement (1 minute): As each person shares, offer a warm affirmation. "That's wonderful! It's so important to notice those good things." If a child struggles to find something, gently offer a suggestion based on what you observed: "I noticed you really enjoyed playing with [toy] earlier, maybe you're grateful for that playtime?" Or, "I'm grateful for your helping hand with [a small chore]."

5. Concluding Thought (1 minute): End with a simple statement: "See? Even when things are tough, there's always good to find. Just like the Tanya says, our good part is always stronger. Let's try to remember that throughout the day."

Why this works: This activity directly addresses the Tanya's concept of redirecting focus from negative thoughts (the "evil inclination") to positive ones (the "divine soul"). It's a micro-practice in actively choosing where to direct mental energy. It models for children that even when frustrated, we can consciously shift our perspective. The brevity makes it manageable for busy schedules, and the focus on genuine gratitude promotes a positive emotional state. It’s a tangible way to practice the benoni's principle of not letting the "evil" prevail in thought.

Script: Navigating the "Why Are You Yelling?" Question

This script is for that inevitable moment when a child witnesses parental frustration and asks, "Why are you yelling?" It offers a brief, honest, and benoni-aligned response.

(Scenario: You've just raised your voice in frustration over a spilled drink or a repeated behavior. Your child looks at you, concerned, and asks: "Mom/Dad, why are you yelling?")

Parent (taking a breath, lowering voice): "You know what? That's a really good question. Thank you for asking. Right now, my body is feeling really frustrated because [briefly state the reason, e.g., 'this mess is a lot to clean up,' or 'I feel like I've asked you to do this three times']. My 'animal soul' – that’s the part of me that gets overwhelmed – is making me want to yell.

But then, my 'divine soul' – that’s the part of me that knows how to be kind and love you – remembers that yelling isn't the best way to solve things, and it's definitely not how I want to treat you.

So, even though I felt that frustration, I'm going to take a deep breath. I’m going to choose to speak to you calmly now. I can handle this. Thank you for reminding me to be the best version of myself."

Explanation: This script directly mirrors the Tanya's distinction between the "animal soul" (which experiences frustration and impulses) and the "divine soul" (which has the capacity for reasoned, loving action).

• Honesty: It acknowledges the parental feeling without making excuses.
• Self-Awareness: It names the internal struggle, showing the child that adults have these battles too.
• Agency: It emphasizes the choice to overcome the impulse. The parent chooses to calm down and speak kindly, demonstrating the benoni's ability to redirect.
• Empowerment: It thanks the child, validating their observation and showing that their feedback is valuable and helps the parent be better.
• Brevity: It’s designed to be delivered quickly in the moment, not as a lengthy lecture.

This response models emotional regulation and self-correction, core principles of the benoni life. It transforms a moment of parental failure into a teaching opportunity about internal strength and conscious choice.

Habit: The "One-Minute Pause" Before Responding

This week, we're cultivating a micro-habit inspired by the benoni's ability to prevent negative impulses from escalating.

The Habit: Before you respond to a request, a complaint, or a frustrating situation with your child, take one conscious minute to pause.

How to Implement:

1. Acknowledge the Impulse: When you feel that surge of annoyance, impatience, or overwhelm, notice it. That's the "evil inclination" knocking.
2. The Pause: Instead of immediately reacting, consciously take a deep breath. Close your eyes for a second if you can.
3. The "Inner Check": In that minute, ask yourself: "What is the most loving, helpful, or constructive way to respond right now?" Think about the benoni's principle of not letting the negative "clothe itself in the body." What would a calmer, wiser version of myself do?
4. Respond: After your minute (or even just 30 seconds), respond. It doesn't have to be a perfect solution, but it will likely be more thoughtful and less reactive than an immediate outburst.

Why it's a Micro-Win: This habit is incredibly powerful because it interrupts the automatic, often negative, reaction cycle. It creates a small space for your "divine soul" to assert itself. It's not about achieving perfection in that minute, but about creating a moment of conscious choice. Even if your response isn't perfect, the act of pausing and trying to choose better is a huge step, and that's a "good enough" try that deserves celebration.

Takeaway

This week, remember that being a "good enough" parent isn't about avoiding struggle; it's about how we navigate it. The benoni model teaches us that our capacity for love and goodness is inherently stronger than our moments of frustration. By embracing this, we can bless the chaos, celebrate our imperfect tries, and consciously choose kindness, knowing that our efforts, even small ones, are divinely good.