Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:10

Shalom! It's wonderful you're diving into the wisdom of the Tanya. This text is a deep well, and we're going to approach it with practicality and kindness, just like we approach our parenting journey. Remember, we're aiming for "good enough" and celebrating every small step. This is about growth, not perfection. Let's bless the chaos and find some micro-wins together.

## Insight

This week, we're exploring a profound concept from the Tanya: the idea of the benoni, the intermediate person. For us as parents, this isn't about achieving some unattainable spiritual perfection, but rather about understanding the dynamic within ourselves and, by extension, how we model that internal navigation for our children. The Tanya describes the benoni as someone who hasn't surrendered their "small city" – their inner world – to the forces of negativity. Their "evil" impulses, stemming from the animal soul, never gain enough power to fully corrupt their thoughts, speech, or actions. Instead, their divine soul's "garments" – their thoughts, speech, and actions – are dedicated to fulfilling the 613 commandments of the Torah. This means the benoni doesn't commit transgressions, and the label "wicked" never applies to them, even for a moment.

Now, take a deep breath. This might sound daunting, like we're being asked to be perfect angels, and frankly, who has time for that between laundry piles and bedtime stories? But here's the practical, empathetic Jewish parenting spin: this isn't about never having a negative thought or impulse. The Tanya is clear: even the benoni experiences these stirrings. The key difference lies in what happens after the impulse arises. For the benoni, these impulses never gain the power to “clothe themselves in the body” and lead to sin. They are recognized, acknowledged, and then, through the power of the divine soul and the intellect, they are redirected or overcome.

Think of your own internal experience as a parent. How many times a day do you feel a flash of frustration? A moment of impatience? A desire to just retreat for five minutes of silence? These are the stirrings of the "animal soul," the natural human impulses. The Tanya suggests that the benoni doesn't let these impulses dictate their actions. They might feel the anger, but they don't lash out. They might feel the desire for escape, but they don't abandon their responsibilities. This is where the "small city" metaphor becomes so potent for us. Our minds, our hearts, our bodies – they are our inner city. We are the mayor, the guardian, the one who decides what gets to influence our actions.

The Tanya highlights that the divine soul's influence, its "garments" of thought, speech, and action, are strongest during specific times, like prayer. This is when the intellect is focused on lofty ideas, on connecting to G-d. This is when the "goodness" of the divine soul can temporarily subdue the "evil" of the animal soul. But then, the text tells us, after prayer, the "state of sublimity" departs, and the "evil in the left part reawakens." This is incredibly relatable, isn't it? We might feel uplifted after a meaningful moment of connection, a good conversation, or even just a quiet cup of tea, only to find ourselves pulled back into the daily grind and its accompanying frustrations.

The crucial insight for us as parents is that the benoni doesn't let this reawakening of desire lead to actual sin. The intellect, the "brain," rules over the "heart." This means we have the inherent ability, gifted by our divine soul, to control our impulses. We can recognize a negative urge and, instead of acting on it, we can consciously choose a different path. We can redirect our thoughts, calm our speech, and control our actions. This doesn't mean the urge disappears entirely; it's still there, but it's no longer in control.

The Tanya emphasizes that this isn't about suppressing emotions, but about directing them. It's about using our God-given capacity for wisdom and understanding to navigate the natural desires and frustrations of life. The analogy of light surpassing darkness is powerful: a little light can banish a lot of darkness. Similarly, the wisdom of our divine soul can overcome the "folly" of the animal soul.

So, what does this mean for raising children? It means we are modeling this internal struggle and its resolution. When our children see us feeling frustrated but choosing to take a deep breath and respond calmly, they learn that it's possible to manage strong emotions. When they see us make a mistake and then apologize sincerely, they learn about accountability and repentance. We don't have to be perfect; we have to be real and intentional.

The Tanya also touches on the idea that even if the animal soul's desires arise, they remain in the realm of "sinful thoughts" and don't necessarily translate into action. This is a significant distinction. We all have fleeting negative thoughts. The goal isn't to eliminate them entirely – an impossible and frankly, unhealthy goal – but to prevent them from dictating our behavior. The text says, "even in the mind alone, insofar as sinful thoughts are concerned, evil has no power to compel the mind’s volition to entertain willingly... any wicked thought rising of its own accord from the heart to the brain." This is empowering! We have agency. We can choose not to dwell on a negative thought, not to let it fester.

For parents, this translates into understanding that our children will also have negative thoughts and impulses. Our role isn't to eradicate these from them, but to help them develop the internal "mayor" – their intellect and their divine spark – to manage these urges. We can teach them to recognize their feelings, to pause before acting, and to choose a different response.

The text also addresses relationships with others. If animosity or anger arises, the benoni doesn't let it enter their mind and will. Instead, they actively choose kindness and love, even going so far as to repay offenders with favors. This is a high bar, and it's important to remember we're talking about a spiritual ideal. For us as parents, it means striving to respond to our children's challenging behaviors with understanding and love, rather than immediate retaliation. It means teaching them empathy and forgiveness, not just by word, but by our example.

The ultimate takeaway from this section for busy parents is this: you are not expected to be a perfect tzaddik (righteous person). The benoni is a more attainable, yet still highly spiritual, ideal. It’s about the process of internal navigation, the ongoing effort to align our actions with our higher values, even when our impulses pull us elsewhere. It's about recognizing that we have the capacity to choose our response, to use our intellect and our divine spark to guide our behavior. This is a lifelong journey, and every conscious effort, every deep breath, every moment of choosing kindness over frustration, is a micro-win. We are teaching our children to be benoni by striving to be benoni ourselves, not by pretending to be perfect. We are blessed to have this wisdom to guide us, to remind us of our inherent strength and our connection to something greater.

## Text Snapshot

"The benoni (intermediate) is he in whom evil never attains enough power to capture the 'small city,' so as to clothe itself in the body and make it sin. That is to say, the three 'garments' of the animal soul, namely, thought, speech, and act, originating in the kelipah, do not prevail within him over the divine soul to the extent of clothing themselves in the body—in the brain, in the mouth, and in the other 248 parts—thereby causing them to sin and defiling them, G–d forbid. Only the three garments of the divine soul, they alone are implemented in the body, being the thought, speech, and act engaged in the 613 commandments of the Torah."

(Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:10)

## Activity

### The "Inner City Council" Brainstorm (≤10 min)

Goal: To help children (and ourselves!) understand the internal dialogue and the power of choosing our responses.

Materials:

• Paper or a whiteboard
• Markers or pens

Instructions:

1. Set the Scene (2 minutes): Gather your child(ren) and explain that today we’re going to talk about our "inner city." Our bodies and minds are like a city, and inside, we have different "voices" or "feelings" that want to be in charge. Sometimes, these voices are super excited, sometimes they're a little grumpy, and sometimes they want to do something we know we shouldn't. Just like a city needs good leaders to make wise decisions, we have our own "inner leaders."

2. Identify the "Residents" (3 minutes):

   • Ask: "What are some of the feelings or urges that pop up inside you when something happens?"
   • Help them brainstorm. Examples might include:
     • "I want that toy NOW!" (Impulse/Desire)
     • "I'm so angry my brother took my crayon!" (Anger)
     • "I feel shy about talking to the new kid." (Fear/Shyness)
     • "I really want to eat that cookie before dinner." (Temptation/Impulse)
     • "I feel sad because my friend can't play." (Sadness)
     • "I feel excited about the party!" (Excitement)
   • Write these down on your paper or whiteboard. Label them as "Feelings" or "Urges."

3. Introduce the "Leaders" (3 minutes):

   • Now, introduce the "leaders" of our inner city. Explain that we have a powerful "Thinking Part" (our brain, our intellect) and a "Feeling Part" (our heart, our emotions). The Tanya talks about how our "Thinking Part" can help guide our "Feeling Part."
   • Ask: "When you feel one of these urges, like wanting a cookie before dinner, what does your 'Thinking Part' say?" (e.g., "Mom said no cookies before dinner," "I'll get a tummy ache," "It's not healthy.")
   • Ask: "When you feel angry, what does your 'Thinking Part' suggest you do instead of yelling?" (e.g., "Take a deep breath," "Count to ten," "Tell Mom how I feel calmly.")
   • Write these "Thinking Part" responses next to the "Feelings/Urges."

4. The "Wise Decision" (2 minutes):

   • Explain that the benoni is like someone who listens to their "Thinking Part" when it gives good advice. It doesn't mean the feeling goes away instantly, but the "Thinking Part" helps them make a good choice about what to do.
   • Pick one of the brainstormed feelings/urges. For example, "I want that toy NOW!"
   • Ask: "What's the feeling? (Wanting it now). What does the 'Thinking Part' say? (Maybe it's not my turn, maybe I can ask nicely later). What's the wise decision the 'Thinking Part' helps you make?" (e.g., "I'll wait my turn," "I'll ask nicely later.")
   • Emphasize that it's okay to feel the urge, but we can choose our action.

Parental Extension:

• For younger children: Focus on simple emotions like "happy," "sad," "mad," "excited" and simple choices like "sharing," "waiting," "asking nicely."
• For older children: You can introduce concepts like "temptation," "impatience," "frustration." Discuss how the "Thinking Part" might use logic, consequences, or even a quick prayer or moment of reflection to guide actions.
• Self-Reflection: After the activity with your child, take a moment for yourself. When you feel a strong urge or emotion today, pause and ask: "What is my inner 'Thinking Part' telling me? What is the wise decision for this 'inner city'?"

## Script

(Approx. 30 seconds)

Scenario: Your child witnesses you getting visibly frustrated with a work email or a minor household mishap, and they ask, "Mom/Dad, are you mad at me?"

Coach: "Oh, hey sweetie. That's a really good question, and I appreciate you asking. You noticed I looked a bit… intense there for a second, didn't you?

(Pause briefly)

"Actually, I was just feeling a little frustrated with [briefly and generally mention the cause, e.g., 'this work thing' or 'this spilled juice']. It had nothing to do with you at all. Sometimes, grown-ups get these feelings too, and the important thing is that I know how to handle them. My brain told me, 'Take a deep breath, this is just a small thing,' and I made sure not to let that frustration spill over onto you. So no, I'm not mad at you. Thanks for checking in."

Why this works:

• Acknowledges their observation: Validates their perception.
• Clarifies it's not about them: Immediately removes blame.
• Models emotional regulation: Shows them that adults experience frustration but manage it.
• Briefly explains the benoni concept in action: The "brain told me to take a deep breath" is a simplified version of the intellect over impulse.
• Reassures and shows appreciation: Ends on a positive, secure note.

## Habit

### The "Moment of Pause" Micro-Habit (1 minute, daily)

Goal: To build the practice of recognizing and choosing your response, rather than reacting impulsively.

How to do it: This week, aim to practice a "Moment of Pause" at least once a day, ideally when you feel a slight surge of frustration, impatience, or any strong emotion that might lead to an unhelpful reaction.

1. Recognize the feeling: As soon as you notice the stirrings of an unwelcome emotion or urge (e.g., snapping at a child, feeling overwhelmed, wanting to scroll endlessly on your phone), stop.
2. Take ONE deep breath: Inhale slowly through your nose, exhale slowly through your mouth. This simple act creates a physical and mental pause.
3. Ask yourself (silently): "What is my 'Thinking Part' telling me to do right now?" or "What's the wisest next step?"
4. Choose your action: Based on that pause, make a conscious choice about how to proceed. It might be to speak calmly, to take a five-minute break, to ask for help, or simply to redirect your focus.

Why it's a micro-habit: It's incredibly brief, can be done anywhere, and focuses on the process of pausing, not on achieving a perfect outcome. Even if you don't always choose the "perfect" response, the act of pausing and attempting to choose is a victory for your "inner city council."

## Takeaway

The wisdom of the benoni isn't about achieving an impossible state of sinlessness, but about understanding our capacity for inner navigation. We all experience impulses and negative stirrings. The key is that they don't have to control our "small city" – our thoughts, speech, and actions. By practicing a moment of pause, we empower our intellect and our divine soul to guide us, not by suppressing feelings, but by choosing our response. This is the essence of Jewish parenting in action: modeling self-awareness, emotional regulation, and the continuous effort to align our actions with our highest values, celebrating every "good-enough" try along the way. You've got this!