Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:7

Here is a lesson on the benoni concept from the Tanya, tailored for busy, practical Jewish parents, with a focus on empathy and micro-wins.

The Inner Game: Navigating Our Inner Worlds as Parents and People

Insight

Our tradition, particularly through the lens of Chassidic thought like the Tanya, offers profound insights into the human psyche and our spiritual journey. One of the most compelling concepts introduced is that of the benoni, the "intermediate" person. This isn't about being mediocre or stuck in the middle; rather, it's a description of a sophisticated inner landscape where the battle for our soul's direction is constantly, consciously waged. The benoni is not someone who has never struggled or never had a fleeting negative thought or impulse. Instead, they are individuals who have mastered the art of not letting these impulses take over, not allowing them to "clothe themselves in the body" to the point of sin. This is a crucial distinction for us as parents. We are not aiming for perfection in our children, nor in ourselves. The benoni model teaches us that true spiritual growth, and indeed, effective parenting, lies in the constant, diligent management of our inner world, the conscious choice to direct our thoughts, speech, and actions towards goodness and holiness, even when faced with internal resistance.

This concept is incredibly liberating because it reframes our understanding of struggle. Often, we view negative thoughts, fleeting anger, or selfish desires as signs of inherent badness or failure. The Tanya, however, presents these as natural aspects of our “animal soul,” the part of us that craves physical satisfaction and self-preservation. The “divine soul” is the part that yearns for connection to something greater, for holiness, for acts of kindness and mitzvot. The benoni is the one who recognizes the presence of both, but crucially, whose divine soul, through the power of intellect and will, consistently directs the overall “city” – our being – towards the divine. It's about the constant, conscious effort to align our actions and even our thoughts with our higher aspirations, not the absence of any temptation or negative inclination. This means that a parent who feels a surge of frustration but takes a deep breath and responds calmly is embodying the benoni ideal. A child who is tempted to lash out but chooses to walk away or speak kindly is also on this path. The goal isn't to eradicate the animal soul or its desires, but to ensure it never gains ultimate control, never dictates our actions or defiles our being.

For parents, this translates into a powerful paradigm shift. We are not tasked with creating perfect children who never misstep or harbor selfish thoughts. Instead, we are called to be models of conscious self-management, demonstrating how to navigate the inevitable inner tug-of-war. We can teach our children that having an undesirable thought or feeling is not the end of the world; it's what we do with it that matters. This understanding fosters resilience, self-compassion, and a realistic approach to personal growth. It allows us to bless the chaos of family life, the messy emotions, the conflicting desires, and to see them not as failures, but as opportunities for growth, for both us and our children. The benoni is not a distant, unattainable ideal. It is a practical model for everyday living, a reminder that even in the midst of our busy, imperfect lives, we have the power to choose, to direct, and to strive for holiness, one thought, one word, one action at a time. This internal discipline, this conscious steering, is the essence of spiritual maturity and, by extension, of wise and empathetic parenting. It's about cultivating a home environment where the inner work is recognized, valued, and practiced, fostering a generation that understands the power of their own will and their capacity for goodness, even in the face of life’s inevitable challenges. This deep dive into the benoni isn't just about understanding a complex Kabbalistic concept; it's about equipping ourselves with a practical, actionable framework for navigating the most important inner journey of all: the journey of being a good parent and a good human being.

The elegance of the benoni concept lies in its acknowledgment of the inherent duality within us. We are not purely spiritual beings, nor are we solely driven by base instincts. The Tanya describes this as the interplay between the "divine soul" and the "animal soul," each with its own set of "garments" – thought, speech, and action. The benoni is characterized by the fact that the animal soul's impulses, while present, never gain enough power to "clothe themselves" in these actions in a way that leads to sin. This means that even when a negative impulse arises – anger, jealousy, greed – the benoni has the inner strength to prevent it from manifesting in outward behavior. This is particularly relevant to parenting. We all experience moments of frustration, impatience, or overwhelm. The benoni model encourages us not to despair when these feelings arise, but to focus on our response. Did we snap? Did we say something hurtful? Or did we pause, take a breath, and choose a kinder, more constructive way to handle the situation? The latter is the mark of the benoni. This perspective removes the pressure of being a perfect parent, a parent who never feels negative emotions. Instead, it emphasizes the ongoing, conscious effort to manage those emotions and to guide our children in doing the same. It’s about the continuous, mindful redirection of our internal energies.

Consider the impact of this on our children. When we model this internal regulation, we are teaching them invaluable life skills. They learn that it’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit. It’s acceptable to be disappointed, but not to lash out with insults. This isn't about suppressing emotions, but about channeling them constructively. The benoni doesn't eliminate the desire for, say, a forbidden pleasure; rather, it prevents that desire from becoming an action. This is a profound lesson for children who are still developing their impulse control. We can help them understand that the first stirrings of a negative thought or desire are not inherently bad, but they are signals. Signals to engage their own inner "brain" – their intellect and willpower – to make a conscious choice. This process of conscious choice, of actively choosing the path of holiness and kindness over the path of impulsive reaction, is the core of the benoni ideal and a cornerstone of moral development. It cultivates a sense of agency and responsibility in our children, empowering them to be active participants in shaping their own character and their relationship with the Divine.

Furthermore, the Tanya highlights that this inner sovereignty of the divine soul is not always constant. It's strongest during times of spiritual elevation, like prayer. This suggests that our spiritual lives, and by extension our parenting, are not static. There will be peaks and valleys. There will be moments of profound connection and clarity, and moments when the "evil in the left part reawakens," and worldly desires resurface. The key is how we navigate these ebbs and flows. For the benoni, even when worldly desires reawaken, the divine soul's influence remains strong enough to prevent them from manifesting in prohibited actions. This is where the concept of "good enough" parenting becomes so vital. We don't have to be in a constant state of spiritual ecstasy to be good parents. We need to be present, to be mindful, and to consistently strive to make the better choice, even when it’s difficult. The effort itself is what matters. The acknowledgment that we are in a continuous process of learning and refinement, both individually and as a family, is what allows us to embrace the journey with grace and resilience. This understanding of the benoni isn't about achieving an impossible state of sinlessness; it's about embracing a lifelong practice of conscious self-direction, of choosing holiness and kindness, and of guiding our children to do the same, fostering a legacy of spiritual resilience and inner strength.

Text Snapshot

"The benoni (intermediate) is he in whom evil never attains enough power to capture the 'small city,' so as to clothe itself in the body and make it sin. That is to say, the three 'garments' of the animal soul, namely, thought, speech, and act, originating in the kelipah, do not prevail within him over the divine soul to the extent of clothing themselves in the body—in the brain, in the mouth, and in the other 248 parts—thereby causing them to sin and defiling them, G–d forbid. Only the three garments of the divine soul, they alone are implemented in the body, being the thought, speech, and act engaged in the 613 commandments of the Torah." (Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:7)

Activity

The Inner Compass Game: Navigating Our Choices

This activity helps children (and adults!) recognize the internal struggle between impulses and making conscious, positive choices. It’s about developing an "inner compass" that guides us toward kindness and holiness.

Toddler/Preschooler (Ages 3-5)

Activity Name: "Stop, Think, Choose!" Animal Sounds

Goal: Introduce the idea that we have feelings and impulses, and we can choose how to act on them.

Materials: None needed, or a few stuffed animals.

Time: 5-7 minutes

Instructions:

1. Introduce the "Animal Soul" vs. "Good Choice": "Sometimes, when we feel a big feeling, like being really grumpy or wanting to grab a toy, it’s like a little 'grumpy bear' inside us wants to roar! (Make a grumpy bear sound). That’s okay to feel that way sometimes. But we also have a 'kind puppy' inside us who knows how to make good choices. (Make a happy puppy sound)."
2. Scenario 1 (Grabbing): "Imagine your friend has a toy you really want. The 'grumpy bear' inside you might want to just snatch it away! (Roar!). But what would the 'kind puppy' do?" (Prompt for gentle asking, waiting turn). "Yes! The kind puppy would ask nicely, or wait. That's a good choice!"
3. Scenario 2 (Frustration): "You're trying to build a tower, and it falls down! ROAR! The 'grumpy bear' might want to stomp and yell. But what would the 'kind puppy' do?" (Prompt for taking a deep breath, trying again, asking for help). "Exactly! The kind puppy knows how to take a breath and try again, or ask for help. That’s a good choice!"
4. Action: Have the child make the "grumpy bear" sound/action and then consciously switch to the "kind puppy" sound/action when presented with a choice. Reinforce that choosing the "kind puppy" is making a good, strong choice.

Elementary School Age (Ages 6-10)

Activity Name: "Thought Bubbles & Action Clouds"

Goal: To help children visualize their thoughts and impulses, and to practice consciously choosing their actions.

Materials: Large sheets of paper or a whiteboard, markers in two colors (e.g., red for impulses/difficult thoughts, blue for positive choices/calm actions).

Time: 8-10 minutes

Instructions:

1. Introduce the Concept: "Inside our heads, we have lots of thoughts, right? Sometimes, a thought pops up that feels a little… wild! Like wanting to eat a whole bag of candy before dinner, or saying something silly when you’re annoyed. The Tanya calls this the 'animal soul' trying to tell us what to do. (Draw a red thought bubble). But we also have a part of us that is wise and kind, our 'divine soul,' that helps us make good choices. (Draw a blue thought bubble)."
2. Scenario 1 (Temptation): "Imagine you see a cookie on the counter, and you know it's almost dinner time. What's a 'wild' thought that might pop into your head?" (Child suggests something like "I want that cookie NOW!"). Draw this in a red bubble. "Okay, that's the 'wild' thought. Now, what's a 'wise and kind' thought or choice you could make?" (Child suggests "I'll wait for dinner," or "I'll ask if I can have one after dinner."). Draw this in a blue bubble. "See? We can choose which thought bubble to listen to and make our 'action cloud' from!"
3. Scenario 2 (Interpersonal Conflict): "Your sibling took your toy without asking. What's a 'hot,' impulsive thought that might come to mind?" (Child suggests "I'm going to yell at them!" or "I'm going to take it back!"). Draw this in a red bubble. "That's a strong feeling! Now, what's a 'wise and kind' action cloud we can create?" (Child suggests "I'll take a deep breath," "I'll ask them to give it back nicely," "I'll tell a grown-up."). Draw this in a blue bubble.
4. Practice: Go through 1-2 more scenarios relevant to the child. Emphasize that even if the red thought bubble appears, they have the power to choose to act from the blue thought bubble. The blue bubble is the one that makes them a benoni – strong and in control.

Teenagers (Ages 11+)

Activity Name: "Mindful Impulse Mapping"

Goal: To develop self-awareness around impulses and develop strategies for conscious choice, aligning with the benoni ideal of not letting negative impulses dictate actions.

Materials: Journal or notebook, pen.

Time: 10 minutes

Instructions:

1. Introduce the Concept: "The Tanya talks about the benoni, someone who doesn't let their 'animal soul' impulses lead to sin. It’s not about not having those impulses, but about not letting them control your 'city' – your whole being. This means recognizing an impulse and then actively choosing your response."
2. Reflection Prompt: "Think of a time this past week when you felt a strong impulse that you knew wasn't the best choice. It could be:
   • Wanting to say something hurtful when you were annoyed.
   • Feeling tempted to procrastinate on homework when something more fun came up.
   • A moment of jealousy or envy.
   • A desire for something you knew wasn't appropriate.
   • Wanting to complain excessively about something minor."
3. Mapping the Impulse: On a piece of paper, create two columns:
   • Column 1: The Impulse: Briefly describe the feeling or thought. (e.g., "Felt intensely annoyed with my friend for canceling plans last minute.")
   • Column 2: The "Animal Soul" Voice: What did that impulse want you to do or say? Be specific. (e.g., "Wanted to send a really angry text, telling them off, saying they’re a bad friend.")
4. Mapping the "Benoni" Response: Now, consciously think about what you actually did, or what a benoni response could have been.
   • Column 3: The "Divine Soul" Choice/Action: What did you do instead? Or, if you acted on the impulse, what could you have done differently? This is where the benoni strength comes in. (e.g., "I took a deep breath, waited an hour, and then sent a text saying, 'Hey, I’m a bit disappointed you had to cancel, but I understand. Let’s reschedule soon.'")
   • Column 4: The Outcome/Lesson: What was the result of your chosen action (or the alternative)? What did you learn? (e.g., "My friend apologized, and we still have a good relationship. I learned that reacting immediately rarely helps.")
5. Discussion/Reflection: "Notice how the impulse is just a thought or a feeling, but the action is where the choice happens. The benoni is the one who actively chooses the 'divine soul' action, even when the 'animal soul' is shouting. This isn't about never feeling those impulses, but about gaining mastery over them."

Script

Navigating Awkward Questions About "Good" vs. "Bad"

The concept of the benoni helps us move beyond a simplistic "good kid/bad kid" dichotomy. It's about internal navigation. Here are scripts for those tricky questions.

Scenario 1: A child asks, "Am I a bad kid if I felt like yelling at my brother?"

Parent (Calm, Empathetic Tone): "Oh, honey. It’s completely normal to feel like yelling when you're upset, especially with your brother! Everyone feels big feelings sometimes, even grown-ups. The important thing isn't if you feel it, but what you choose to do. Did you yell? (Listen to child's answer). Okay. If you did, it's a chance to learn. If you didn't, or if you managed to take a breath instead, that's a sign of your inner strength, your amazing ability to choose kindness. You're not a 'bad kid' for having a feeling; you're a strong kid when you choose how to handle it. We can practice those choices together, okay?"

Scenario 2: A child is upset about a mistake they made and says, "I'm so stupid/bad."

Parent (Gentle, Reassuring Tone): "Hey, sweetie. That mistake doesn't make you stupid or bad at all. Remember how we talk about our inner selves? Sometimes, our 'animal soul' gets upset and wants us to feel really down on ourselves. But your 'divine soul,' the wise and good part of you, knows that mistakes are just part of learning. It's like the Tanya says – the benoni isn't perfect, they just learn to manage their impulses and choices. What can we learn from this mistake? How can we move forward with kindness to ourselves and others? Let’s focus on that. You are so much more than one mistake."

Scenario 3: A child witnesses someone else behaving poorly and asks, "Why are they so mean?"

Parent (Thoughtful, Explanatory Tone): "That's a really good question. Sometimes people act in ways that hurt others, and it's hard to understand. The Tanya talks about how everyone has different battles going on inside them. Maybe that person is struggling with their own 'animal soul' feelings and hasn't learned how to manage them yet. It doesn't excuse their behavior, but it helps us understand that it's a reflection of their own inner struggle. Our job is to focus on our own inner compass, to choose kindness and strength, and to try to be a positive influence, not to judge their whole being based on one action. We can't control others, but we can always choose how we respond and who we want to be."

Scenario 4: A child expresses a selfish desire and you need to say no.

Parent (Firm but Kind Tone): "I know you really want that, and I hear how much you want it. Right now, the answer is no. Sometimes, our desires can feel really strong, like a big tug on our heart. That’s natural. But we also have the power to say, 'Okay, I want that, but I also know it’s not the right time/thing.' That’s what makes us strong and in control of ourselves. We can't always have everything we want immediately, and learning to manage those desires is a really important skill. Let's find another way to feel good, or let's look forward to when it might be possible."

Scenario 5: A child expresses pride in a good deed.

Parent (Encouraging, Connecting Tone): "That’s wonderful that you did that! You chose to use your 'divine soul' power to do something kind. That's exactly what the benoni strives for – using our thoughts, words, and actions for good. It feels good to do Mitzvot, doesn't it? That feeling is your inner strength guiding you. Keep listening to that good voice inside you!"

Habit

The "One-Minute Mindful Pause" Micro-Habit

Goal: To cultivate the conscious awareness and control necessary to embody the benoni ideal in daily interactions.

Description: For one week, commit to taking a "One-Minute Mindful Pause" at least three times a day. This pause is dedicated to checking in with your inner state and consciously directing your intention.

How it Works:

1. Identify Triggers: Choose three specific times or situations where you are likely to experience internal conflict or face potential reactions. These could be:
   • The moment you receive a text message or email.
   • The instant you feel a surge of frustration or impatience with a child.
   • The moment before you respond to a challenging question.
   • When you transition between tasks.
   • The beginning of a meal.
2. The Pause (≤ 1 Minute): At these chosen moments, stop what you are doing. Close your eyes gently, or soften your gaze.
   • Breathe: Take one or two slow, deep breaths. Feel the air filling your lungs and then releasing.
   • Check In: Briefly ask yourself: "What am I feeling right now?" (e.g., tired, anxious, happy, annoyed). Acknowledge the feeling without judgment.
   • Intend: Consciously set your intention for the next few minutes or for the interaction ahead. Frame it positively. Examples:
     • "My intention is to respond with patience and understanding."
     • "My intention is to listen fully and respond thoughtfully."
     • "My intention is to bring calm and clarity to this situation."
     • "My intention is to focus on the task at hand with focus."
   • Re-engage: Open your eyes and gently return to your activity, carrying that intention with you.

Why this is a Micro-Habit: This is a "micro" habit because it’s incredibly short, requiring minimal disruption to your already packed schedule. The goal is not to achieve deep meditation, but to create brief, intentional moments of self-awareness. It directly addresses the benoni concept by practicing the conscious redirection of our internal state and intention, preventing impulsive reactions and fostering a more deliberate, holy approach to our actions.

Celebrating "Good Enough" Tries: If you miss a pause, or if you take it and still react impulsively, that's okay! The habit is in the attempt. Acknowledge that you remembered the pause and made the effort. That's a win! The awareness created by even remembering to pause is a step towards the benoni. Over the week, you'll notice subtle shifts in your responses.

Expansion:

• Daily Reflection (Optional, but encouraged): At the end of the day, spend 2-3 minutes jotting down in a notebook how the pauses felt, or if you noticed any difference in your reactions during those times. This reinforces the learning.
• Involve Your Family (Age-Appropriate): You could introduce a simplified version to older children – a "Family Moment of Calm" before dinner or bedtime, where everyone takes a few breaths together.

This habit is about building the internal muscle for conscious choice, the very essence of the benoni journey.

Takeaway

The benoni concept from the Tanya isn't about achieving a flawless state, but about cultivating a powerful inner discipline. It teaches us that our strength lies not in the absence of challenging impulses, but in our conscious ability to choose how we respond to them. For us as parents, this means embracing our own imperfections and focusing on the continuous, deliberate effort to guide our thoughts, words, and actions toward kindness and holiness. By practicing mindful pauses and consciously directing our intentions, we model this crucial skill for our children, empowering them to navigate their own inner worlds with resilience and grace. This is the essence of raising children who are not just "good," but who are actively, consciously striving for goodness.