Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:7

Shalom! So glad you're here. This week, we're diving into a concept from the Tanya that can feel a bit… lofty. But I promise, we'll bring it down to earth, one micro-win at a time. Let's bless this chaos and find some sparks of holiness in our everyday parenting journey.

Insight

The Tanya introduces us to the concept of the benoni, often translated as the "intermediate" person. This isn't about being mediocre; it's about a profound internal balance. Imagine your inner world as a "small city." Within this city, you have two primary forces: the divine soul, which pulls you towards holiness, goodness, and connection, and the animal soul, which is driven by our basic instincts, desires, and ego. The benoni is the person who has achieved a state where the animal soul's impulses—its "thoughts, speech, and acts"—never gain enough power to fully hijack the "city." They don't manage to "clothe themselves" in the body to the point of causing sin and defilement. Instead, the "garments" of the divine soul—its own thoughts, speech, and acts—are engaged in fulfilling the commandments of the Torah and connecting with G-d.

This is a crucial distinction for us as parents. We're not aiming for a mythical, sinless perfect saint, especially not with little ones running around! We're aiming for control, for balance. The benoni isn't someone who never has a bad thought or a selfish impulse. They absolutely do. The text is clear: the animal soul's desires can reawaken, particularly after moments of spiritual intensity like prayer. The difference is that the benoni doesn't let those impulses dominate. They don't allow them to translate into harmful actions, persistent sinful thoughts that actively distract from holiness, or expressions of negativity towards others.

Think about it: how often do we have fleeting thoughts of frustration, impatience, or even anger towards our children, our spouses, or even ourselves? The benoni acknowledges these thoughts, but they don't let them take root. They exercise the "willpower in his brain" to "restrain himself and control the drive of lust that is in his heart." They actively "divert his attention altogether from the craving of his heart toward the completely opposite direction, particularly in the direction of holiness." This is where the analogy of light and darkness comes in – a little light (wisdom, divine soul) banishes a lot of darkness (folly, animal soul).

For us as parents, this means recognizing that we will have moments of less-than-ideal thoughts or feelings. Our children will push our buttons. We’ll be exhausted. We’ll feel frustrated. The goal isn’t to never feel these things. The goal is to not let them dictate our actions or permanently stain our inner "city." It's about exercising our "willpower" to choose kindness, patience, and connection, even when it’s hard. It's about redirecting those impulses towards positive actions, towards connection with our children, and towards finding moments of holiness in the everyday. This is the essence of the benoni for us: not perfection, but a constant, conscious effort to ensure our divine soul’s "garments" of thought, speech, and action are aligned with our highest values, even when the animal soul whispers temptations of impatience or frustration. It’s about understanding that even in the midst of our busy, imperfect lives, we have the capacity to manage these inner forces and choose the path of holiness, one moment at a time.

Text Snapshot

"The benoni (intermediate) is he in whom evil never attains enough power to capture the “small city,” so as to clothe itself in the body and make it sin. That is to say, the three “garments” of the animal soul, namely, thought, speech, and act, originating in the kelipah, do not prevail within him over the divine soul to the extent of clothing themselves in the body—in the brain, in the mouth, and in the other 248 parts—thereby causing them to sin and defiling them, G–d forbid. Only the three garments of the divine soul, they alone are implemented in the body, being the thought, speech, and act engaged in the 613 commandments of the Torah." (Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:7)

Activity

The "Thought Switch" Game (5-8 minutes)

Objective: To practice redirecting thoughts and impulses, embodying the benoni principle of controlling the animal soul's urges.

Materials: None needed! Just your intention and your child (or children, if they can participate together). This can even be a solo practice for you.

The Setup: This activity is designed to be a playful, mindful moment that helps both you and your child(ren) practice recognizing and redirecting less-than-ideal impulses or thoughts. It’s about building that internal “switch” that the benoni uses.

How to Play:

1. Introduce the Concept (for kids): "Sometimes, our brains have ideas that aren't the best ideas, or feelings that make us want to do something we know isn't right. Like when you really want a cookie right now before dinner, even though Mom said no. Or when you feel super grumpy and want to yell. Our brains are like a big city, and we have different parts in our city. We want the good parts, the kind parts, the helpful parts, to be in charge!"

2. The "Thought Switch" Scenario: You'll present a few simple, relatable scenarios. For each scenario, prompt your child (or yourself) to identify the impulse or thought, and then consciously "switch" it to a more positive or constructive thought/action.

   • Scenario 1: The "Mine!" Impulse

     • Prompt: "Imagine your sibling has a toy you really want. Your first thought might be, 'It's mine! I want it NOW!' What's the impulse there?" (Wait for an answer like "wanting it," "grabbing," "feeling jealous.")
     • The Switch: "Okay, so that’s a loud thought from the 'grabby' part of our brain. Now, let's use our 'kindness switch'! What's a different thought we could have? What could we do instead of grabbing?"
     • Guide: (Help them brainstorm) "Maybe we could ask nicely? Or say, 'Can I have a turn when you're done?' Or even think, 'It's okay, I'll play with something else for a bit.' That's switching our thought from 'mine!' to 'sharing' or 'waiting patiently'."

   • Scenario 2: The "Too Tired to Listen" Moment

     • Prompt: "Mommy/Daddy is asking you to put away your toys, but you're super tired and just want to flop on the couch. Your brain might be thinking, 'I don't want to! I'm too tired!' What's that feeling?" (Wait for "tired," "lazy," "don't want to.")
     • The Switch: "That's your 'tired brain' talking! Let's flip the switch to our 'responsible helper' brain. What's a helpful thought we can have, even if we're tired? What can we try to do?"
     • Guide: (Help them brainstorm) "Maybe we can say, 'Can you help me for just two minutes?' Or 'I'll do half now and half later?' Or even just taking a deep breath and saying, 'Okay, I'll do it,' and doing it quickly. It’s switching from 'I can't' to 'I can try' or 'I'll ask for a little help'."

   • Scenario 3: The "Oops, I Did It!" Reflection (for older kids, or a personal reflection for you)

     • Prompt (for you, or with older kids): "Think about a time today (or yesterday) when you got a little impatient or said something sharp. That was a thought or feeling from the 'frustrated' part of your brain, right? It happened."
     • The Switch: "Now, the amazing thing is, even if it happened, we can still practice the 'switch'! What's a kinder thought we can have now about ourselves or about the situation? What can we learn from it to do better next time?"
     • Guide: (For yourself) "Okay, I was impatient. I can forgive myself. Next time, I'll try to take a breath before I speak. Or, I can try to apologize to my child if I was too harsh. That's switching from dwelling on the mistake to learning and moving forward with kindness."

Why this works: This activity is a tangible way to practice the core idea of the benoni: recognizing impulses and actively choosing a different response. It’s about empowering ourselves and our children with the understanding that we have agency over our thoughts and actions, even when emotions are strong. It’s a micro-practice of self-regulation and mindful awareness, framed in a way that’s accessible and not guilt-inducing. You’re not forbidding the impulse; you’re teaching how to manage it.

Script

Scenario: Your child blurts out something unkind or selfish, and you catch yourself about to snap back.

(You take a quick, deep breath. You know the impulse to react negatively is there, but you're aiming for the benoni's control.)

Parent: "Whoa there, [Child's Name]. I just heard what you said. And honestly, that sounded a little bit like a 'grabby thought' or a 'mean thought' just slipped out, didn't it?"

(Pause for a nod or a mumbled response. The goal isn't immediate confession, but acknowledgment.)

Parent: "It's okay. We all have those thoughts sometimes. My brain has them too! But remember how we talked about our inner 'city'? We want the kindest, most helpful parts to be in charge, right? So, that thought… it wasn't quite lining up with our 'kindness rules,' was it?"

(Another brief pause.)

Parent: "So, instead of letting that 'grabby' or 'mean' thought win, let's try to switch it. What's a kinder way to say that, or what could you do instead of [the action/words they used]?"

(Wait, offering gentle prompts if needed: "Could you ask nicely?" "Could you think about how that would make someone else feel?" "Could you try again with a different word?")

Parent: "Yeah, that's a much better 'thought switch'! I'm proud of you for trying to redirect that. It's not always easy, but it’s how we get better at being kind."

Why this works: This script is designed to be non-confrontational and educational. It validates that negative impulses happen ("we all have those thoughts") without excusing the behavior. It reframes the situation as an opportunity to practice a skill – the "thought switch" – rather than a moral failing. It empowers the child by asking them to actively participate in finding a solution, reinforcing the idea that they have agency. The emphasis on "trying" and "not always easy" removes pressure and promotes a growth mindset. It’s a 30-second intervention that plants a seed of self-awareness and proactive kindness, reflecting the benoni's ability to redirect even after an impulse has surfaced.

Habit

The "Mindful Pause" Micro-Habit

For the week: This week, commit to taking one mindful pause each day. This pause is your personal "thought switch" moment.

How to do it:

1. Choose a Trigger: Pick something that happens daily – for example, as you pour your morning coffee, as you buckle into your car, or as you stand at your child's door before tucking them in.
2. The Pause: When that trigger occurs, stop. Close your eyes for just five seconds, or simply look at a fixed point.
3. The Breath: Take one slow, deep breath in, and exhale slowly.
4. The Intention: As you exhale, silently say to yourself, "I choose kindness," or "I choose patience," or "I choose peace." This is your internal affirmation, your benoni-esque redirection of any potential negative impulse that might be brewing.

Why it's a micro-habit: This is incredibly doable. It takes less than 30 seconds and requires no special equipment or mental energy beyond a moment of conscious awareness. It’s not about fixing everything; it’s about creating a tiny, consistent space for intention and positive redirection. It’s the first step in strengthening that "willpower in the brain" the Tanya speaks of, building resilience against the animal soul's immediate urges.

Takeaway

The benoni isn't a mythic figure; it's a practical aspiration for managing our inner lives. It’s about recognizing that we all have a divine spark and an animalistic drive, and that the battleground is our own "small city" – our thoughts, words, and actions. The key isn't to eliminate the impulses of the animal soul, but to prevent them from gaining supremacy and leading us to sin. For us as busy parents, this means celebrating the small victories: the moments we choose patience over frustration, the times we redirect an unkind thought, the instances we consciously opt for a kinder response. Every time we take that mindful pause, every time we ask "what's a kinder way?", we are strengthening our divine soul's ability to rule our inner city. We are practicing being good enough, and in Jewish tradition, that's often where the real holiness is found. Keep going, you're doing great!