Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 12:7

Here's your 15-minute Jewish parenting lesson on the "benoni" from the Tanya, designed for busy parents:

The "Good Enough" Parent: Navigating the Inner City of Your Child

Insight

This week, we're diving into a concept from Tanya, specifically Likkutei Amarim 12:7, that can feel incredibly profound, even a little intimidating, but I promise, it holds a beautiful, practical lesson for us as parents. The text describes the benoni, often translated as the "intermediate" person. This isn't someone who's halfway to being a saint or a sinner. Instead, the benoni is someone who, while they might experience temptations and even fleeting negative thoughts or impulses, never allows those to fully control their actions or define their essence. Think of the soul as a "small city" within us. The benoni has a divine soul and an animal soul. The animal soul has its "garments" of thought, speech, and action, which can be driven by negative impulses (the kelipah). However, in the benoni, these negative impulses never gain enough power to fully "clothe themselves" in the body and lead to sin. The divine soul’s garments – thought, speech, and action directed towards Torah and Mitzvot – are what ultimately prevail.

Now, this might sound like we're aiming for perfection, and that can feel like a lot for us busy parents. But here's where the empathy and practicality come in. The Tanya clarifies that even the benoni experiences the awakening of these lesser desires. The key is that they are not fully acted upon, not fully embraced to the point of making sin their defining characteristic. This is HUGE for parenting. We are not aiming to raise perfect children who never have a negative thought or a fleeting impulse. That's an impossible standard for anyone, let alone for kids navigating the world. Instead, we are aiming to cultivate within them, and within ourselves, the capacity to recognize those impulses, to not be ruled by them, and to choose a different path, even if it's just a small step in that direction.

The benoni isn't someone who has never had a bad thought or feeling. It's someone who has the inner strength, cultivated through the divine soul's connection to G-d, to not let those negative thoughts or desires take over their "city." They might feel the pull of anger, jealousy, or even a fleeting thought about something forbidden, but they have the capacity to push it away, to not dwell on it, and crucially, to not act on it. This is so relevant to our parenting. How many times do our kids have a flash of frustration, a moment of selfishness, a thought of defiance? Our role isn't to eliminate those entirely – that's unrealistic and frankly, would rob them of the opportunity to develop their own inner strength. Our role is to help them build the "brain" that can rule over the "heart," as the Tanya suggests. It's about equipping them with the tools to recognize the impulse, understand it's not who they are, and choose a better action.

This concept also applies to us as parents. We're not striving to be perfect parents who never lose our temper, never say the wrong thing, or never feel overwhelmed. We are striving to be benoni parents. We will have moments of impatience, we will have days where our own "animal soul" feels dominant. But the goal is that these moments don't define our parenting. We can have a fleeting thought of "I can't handle this," but then we can redirect ourselves, remember our love for our child, and find a way to respond with kindness, even if it's a slightly frazzled kindness. It's about the effort to not let the "evil" fully "clothe itself" in our actions as parents.

The Tanya emphasizes that even during times of spiritual elevation, like prayer, the "evil" in the animal soul can reawaken. This is a crucial reminder for our parenting journey. Just because we had a lovely family Shabbat dinner or a successful bedtime routine doesn't mean the next moment will be perfect. Our children, like us, are complex beings. They can be deeply connected and loving one moment and then frustrated and defiant the next. Our goal isn't to achieve a constant state of spiritual bliss in our homes, but to cultivate resilience, to foster an environment where mistakes are learning opportunities, and where the underlying love and connection always have the final say.

This idea of the benoni offers us a path towards realistic parental aspirations. It's not about achieving an unattainable ideal, but about consistent, albeit imperfect, effort. It's about celebrating the moments when our child chooses kindness over anger, even if it was a struggle. It's about celebrating our own moments of patience when we felt like snapping. It's about understanding that the "struggle" is actually where growth happens. The Tanya's description of the benoni is a testament to the power of the divine soul to exert influence, to guide our actions and thoughts, even when the animal soul is present. For us as parents, this translates to nurturing that spark of goodness in our children, helping them to recognize their own inner strength, and reminding them, and ourselves, that even in the midst of everyday chaos, we are capable of choosing love, kindness, and connection. It’s about the micro-wins, the small victories of the spirit over the fleeting impulses of the day. We are not aiming for sainthood; we are aiming for striving, for learning, for being "good enough" parents who are always growing, always trying, and always, always loving. This isn't about perfection; it's about progress, and recognizing the inherent goodness that always has the potential to shine through, even in the messiest of moments. The benoni concept liberates us from the pressure of flawlessness and offers a path of achievable growth, both for ourselves and for the children we are raising. It’s about understanding that the inner battle is real, but the capacity to choose goodness is even more real, and that’s where our focus can truly lie.

Text Snapshot

"The benoni (intermediate) is he in whom evil never attains enough power to capture the “small city,” so as to clothe itself in the body and make it sin... Only the three garments of the divine soul, they alone are implemented in the body, being the thought, speech, and act engaged in the 613 commandments of the Torah."

Tanya, Part I, Likkutei Amarim 12:7

Activity

The "Inner City" Check-In (≤10 minutes)

This activity helps your child (and you!) become more aware of their inner world and practice the principle of choosing positive actions even when negative feelings arise. It's about building awareness, not about judgment.

Materials:

• A simple drawing of a city with a few buildings, or just a blank piece of paper.

• Crayons or colored pencils.

Instructions for Parent & Child:

1. Introduce the "Inner City": (2 minutes) "You know how we live in houses, and there are streets and parks in our town? Well, inside each of us, we have a special 'inner city.' This inner city is where all our thoughts and feelings live. Sometimes, in our inner city, we might have feelings that aren't so nice – maybe a little bit of anger, or frustration, or jealousy. And sometimes, we have really wonderful feelings – like happiness, kindness, and love!"

2. Identify the "Buildings" of the City: (3 minutes) "In our inner city, we have special buildings that represent important things. Let's think about three main buildings:

   • The Thought Tower: This is where all our ideas and thoughts happen.
   • The Speech Square: This is where we talk and share our ideas.
   • The Action Arena: This is where we do things with our bodies."

3. Acknowledge Feelings (Without Judgment): (3 minutes) "Sometimes, a little 'storm cloud' might appear over our Thought Tower. Maybe you feel frustrated because you can't get a toy to work, or someone took your turn. That's okay! Those feelings happen. Can you draw a little storm cloud over your Thought Tower? (Pause for child to draw). Now, here's the really amazing part: even when a storm cloud appears, we don't have to stay in the storm. We can choose what to do next. Just like the benoni in the Tanya, we can choose how we let those feelings affect our Speech Square and our Action Arena."

4. Choosing the "Divine Soul" Path: (2 minutes) "So, if a storm cloud of frustration is in your Thought Tower, what could you do instead of yelling in the Speech Square or stomping in the Action Arena? Could you take a deep breath? Could you ask for help? Could you think of something nice you want to do later? Let's draw a bright sunbeam coming from our Thought Tower towards the Speech Square and the Action Arena, showing a kind thought, or a helpful word, or a good action. This is like choosing the good part of your inner city to be in charge."

Parental Adaptation:

• For Younger Children (Preschool-Early Elementary): Focus on simple emotions like happy, sad, angry, excited. Use very concrete examples. The "storm cloud" and "sunbeam" are great metaphors.
• For Older Children (Late Elementary-Middle School): You can introduce more nuanced feelings and the idea of "choosing" to focus on positive actions or thoughts. Discuss how even if they feel angry, they can choose not to say something hurtful.
• For Yourself: Reflect on a recent moment where you felt an impulse (e.g., wanting to yell, feeling impatient) but managed to respond differently. Draw your own "inner city" and mark the "storm cloud" and the "sunbeam" of your chosen action.

This activity, even if done briefly, plants a seed of self-awareness and empowers children to understand that they have agency over their reactions, aligning with the core idea of the benoni. It’s about building that internal capacity for thoughtful response.

Script

(For a child asking about a difficult emotion or a perceived "bad" behavior they exhibited):

Child: "Mom/Dad, I got really mad at [sibling/friend] today and I almost [hit them/said something mean]. Why do I feel like that sometimes?"

Parent: (Takes a gentle breath, kneels to be at eye level) "Oh, honey, thank you for telling me. That's a really important feeling to talk about. You know, inside all of us, there's a kind of 'inner city' where our thoughts and feelings live. Sometimes, a little storm cloud of anger or frustration can pop up in our 'thought tower.' That's a totally normal feeling, and lots of people get them! The amazing thing is, even when that storm cloud is there, we get to choose what happens next. We can choose to let it make us say or do something we'll regret, or we can choose to take a deep breath, maybe count to ten, and think about a kinder way to handle it. You almost chose the kinder way, and that shows how strong your good heart is, even when you're feeling upset. You're learning to be like a really wise ruler of your inner city, and that's something to be really proud of."

Key elements of this script:

• Validation: Acknowledges the feeling as normal ("totally normal feeling," "lots of people get them").
• Metaphor: Uses the "inner city" concept from the activity to explain the internal experience.
• Agency: Emphasizes the child's ability to choose their response.
• Positive Framing: Highlights the effort towards a positive outcome ("almost chose the kinder way," "strong your good heart is," "wise ruler").
• Encouragement: Reinforces their learning and growth.

Habit

The "Minute of Mindfulness" Micro-Habit

What it is: For one minute each day this week, intentionally pause and focus on your breath. No judgment, no trying to clear your mind completely, just notice the sensation of inhaling and exhaling.

How to do it:

• Choose a consistent time: This could be first thing in the morning before the chaos erupts, during your commute (if you're not driving!), or right before bed.
• Set a timer for 60 seconds.
• Close your eyes (if comfortable) or soften your gaze.
• Simply notice your breath. Feel the air entering your nostrils, filling your lungs, and leaving your body.
• If your mind wanders (and it will!), gently bring your attention back to your breath. This is the practice – returning again and again.

Why it matters for this week: This micro-habit directly supports the benoni principle of gaining mastery over one's inner state. By practicing a brief moment of focused awareness, you are training your "brain" to exert a gentle but firm influence over the "heart's" immediate impulses. It builds the capacity for self-regulation, which is crucial for navigating those moments when your own "animal soul" might feel activated by parenting challenges. It's a tiny act of self-mastery that ripples into your interactions with your children. It's about creating a little space between stimulus and response, allowing for a more considered, kinder reaction. Think of it as a brief but powerful moment of "binding your chabad (intellectual faculties) to G-d" in the most practical, personal way.

Takeaway

The benoni isn't about being perfect; it's about the persistent, often quiet, triumph of goodness over fleeting impulses. As parents, this means embracing our own "good enough" efforts and cultivating that same spirit in our children. We're not raising saints, but resilient individuals who know how to navigate their inner cities with increasing wisdom and kindness, one mindful breath, one gentle redirection, at a time. May we all find strength in striving, and joy in the messy, beautiful process of growth.