Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 13:1

Baruch HaShem! It's wonderful to connect with you. Let's dive into this week's topic, focusing on the "intermediate person" – a concept that can feel both daunting and incredibly hopeful for us as parents.

Insight

The heart of this week's teaching from the Tanya, Likkutei Amarim 13:1, is a profound exploration of the inner life of a person, specifically the "benoni," the intermediate individual. For us as parents, this isn't just an abstract theological concept; it's a deeply practical lens through which to understand ourselves and our children. The Tanya describes a constant, internal wrestling match between our "divine soul" (the good inclination, the spark of holiness within us) and our "animal soul" (the ego, the desires, the more primal instincts). It's not about one side "winning" definitively, but about the ongoing negotiation, the daily choices, and the incredible role of Divine assistance in our journey.

The text highlights that the "benoni" isn't ruled by the evil inclination, but rather it has a voice, like a magistrate giving an opinion. This opinion is then challenged by the divine soul, acting as another judge. The final decision, the text emphasizes, rests with the "arbitrator" – G-d Himself, who "stands at the right hand of the destitute to deliver him." This is such a powerful image for parenting. We are often in the thick of it, feeling like we're mediating endless disputes between our children's impulses and what's right or constructive. We see our children, in their own ways, grappling with their desires versus their better judgment. This teaching assures us that we are not alone in this arbitration. G-d’s presence is the ultimate aid, illuminating our divine souls (and by extension, our children's) to help us gain the upper hand.

The critical nuance here is the idea that even when the divine soul is in control, and our actions are aligned with Torah and Mitzvot, the "evil" inclination isn't eradicated. It's like a sleeping force, still present in the left side of the heart, capable of reawakening. This is why the Tanya advises us to consider ourselves as if wicked, not to induce guilt, but to cultivate humility and constant vigilance. For parents, this translates to recognizing that even when our children are behaving beautifully, or when we ourselves are making great strides in our spiritual or personal growth, the potential for slip-ups or challenges remains. It’s not a sign of failure, but a reality of the human condition. The goal isn't perfection, but consistent effort, self-awareness, and reliance on G-d's help.

This concept of the "benoni" offers immense relief from the pressure to be a "tzaddik" – a perfectly righteous person. We often hold ourselves and our children to impossibly high standards, leading to disappointment and self-criticism. The Tanya offers a more realistic and compassionate framework. It acknowledges the struggle, validates the imperfections, and points towards the ongoing process of growth. Our children are likely "benonim" – navigating their own internal landscapes of desire and conscience. Our role isn't to force them into an unattainable mold of perfection, but to gently guide them, to help them recognize their own inner divine sparks, and to teach them to lean on G-d's strength when their own falters.

The idea that "intermediate people are judged by both" is a crucial takeaway. It means we are not defined by our worst moments. Our children aren't defined by their tantrums or their stubbornness. They are a complex interplay of good and potential for growth. When a child is acting out, it’s the animal soul making its case. When they show kindness or empathy, it’s the divine soul shining through. As parents, we are constantly arbitrating, helping them discern which voice to listen to, and reminding them that even when the less-than-ideal voice is loud, the divine spark within them is always there, waiting to be amplified.

The Tanya’s analogy of magistrates and an arbitrator is particularly helpful. We, as parents, often feel like we’re juggling multiple opinions and trying to make a final ruling. We see our child wanting the cookie now (the evil inclination's opinion) and also understanding that it’s almost dinner time and they should wait (the divine soul's opinion). Our role is to help them navigate this, to bring in the "arbitrator" – G-d's guidance, our teachings, the values we instill – to help them make the better choice. This isn't about always getting it "right" in the moment, but about the ongoing process of developing their internal arbitration skills.

The concept of "good enough" parenting is so deeply embedded in this teaching. We don't have to be perfect parents, just as our children don't have to be perfect beings. The Tanya’s emphasis on G-d’s help is the ultimate permission slip to acknowledge our limitations. We are not expected to win every internal battle on our own or for our children. We are called to try, to be present, to guide, and to trust that the Divine light is indeed illuminating the path, even when it feels dark.

The teaching that "intermediate people are judged by both" also encourages us to look at our children with compassion. We might see a child struggling with a particular behavior, and it’s easy to label them as "difficult" or "naughty." But the Tanya suggests a more nuanced view. They are wrestling. They have both impulses at play. Our job is to help the divine impulse gain strength, not by suppressing the animal impulse entirely (which is impossible and counterproductive), but by strengthening the good and providing the tools and support for the divine soul to prevail.

This idea of the "small city" being the body, with the brain as the seat of intellect and the heart as the abode of emotions and inclinations, is a powerful metaphor. Our children, like us, are learning to govern this "city." Sometimes the impulses from the "left part of the heart" (the animal soul) are loud and demanding, influencing their thoughts, speech, and actions. Our role is to help the "divine soul in the brain" (their intellect and conscience) gain mastery, to help them think before they act, to choose words carefully, and to make decisions aligned with their higher selves. This is a lifelong process, and the Tanya reminds us that G-d's help is essential for this governance to be successful.

The text also touches on the idea that even in prayer, when our hearts might be aflame with love for G-d, the animal soul isn't gone; it's just subdued. This is incredibly relevant to parenting. We have moments of deep connection and spiritual uplift with our children, perhaps during Shabbat dinner or a meaningful conversation. But that doesn't mean the challenges disappear permanently. The animal soul can "wake up again." This teaches us patience and resilience. We can’t expect a single beautiful moment to solve all future problems. We need to cultivate consistent practices that strengthen the divine soul, day after day, even when things are mundane or difficult.

The emphasis on not being ruled by the evil nature, even temporarily, is key. It's about the dominion. Even if the evil inclination has a strong voice, it doesn't have the final say if we are actively engaging our divine soul and seeking G-d's help. This is empowering for parents. When our children are struggling, it's an opportunity to teach them about not letting the impulse dictate their actions. It's about building the capacity for self-control, for conscious choice, which is the essence of the "benoni" life.

Ultimately, this teaching from the Tanya offers a framework of hope and realistic aspiration. It validates the struggle, acknowledges the imperfections, and points to the ultimate source of strength. For busy parents, this means we can breathe a little easier. We don't have to be perfect. We just have to be present, to try, to learn, and to trust in the Divine assistance that is always there, helping us and our children navigate the complexities of our inner lives. The goal is not to eliminate the struggle, but to engage with it wisely, with humility, and with unwavering faith in the One who stands at our right hand.

Text Snapshot

"intermediate people are judged by both [the good and evil natures], for it is written, ‘When He stands at the right of the destitute to deliver him from the judges of his soul.’" Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 13:1

"The evil nature [in the benoni], however, is no more than, for example, a magistrate or judge who gives his opinion on a point of law, yet it is not necessarily a final decision to be implemented in deed, for there is another magistrate or judge who is contesting this opinion." Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 13:1

"The final verdict rests with the arbitrator—the Holy One, blessed is He, who comes to the aid of the good nature, as our Sages said, ‘If the Holy One, blessed is He, did not help him, he could not overcome his evil inclination.’" Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 13:1

Activity

Inner Dialogue Detective (≤ 10 minutes)

Goal: To help children (and ourselves!) become more aware of the different "voices" or impulses within them, fostering self-awareness and the ability to make conscious choices.

Materials:

• A piece of paper or a small notebook for each participant (or one shared notebook).
• Pens or crayons.

Setup (2 minutes): Gather your child(ren) and explain that you're going to play a game about the different thoughts and feelings that pop into our heads. Tell them that sometimes we have a thought that makes us want to do something fun or easy, and sometimes we have a thought that reminds us of what's important or kind. We're going to be "Inner Dialogue Detectives"!

Activity Steps (6 minutes):

1. Introduce the "Left vs. Right" Concept (Child-friendly): Explain that inside our heads and hearts, it’s like there are two parts. One part, let’s call it the "Impulse-er," makes us want things right now – like eating a cookie before dinner, or playing instead of cleaning up. The other part, let’s call it the "Wise Guide," reminds us of rules, kindness, and what’s good for us in the long run – like waiting for dinner, or helping a friend. You can even draw two simple figures on the paper: one with a big exclamation mark (Impulse-er) and one with a lightbulb or a thinking cap (Wise Guide).

2. Scenario Time: Present a simple, relatable scenario to your child. Keep it light and age-appropriate. Examples:

   • "You're playing with your favorite toy, and your sibling asks to join. What's the first thought that pops into your head? What's another thought that comes after?"
   • "You see a yummy cookie on the counter just before dinner. What's one thing you might think? What’s something else you might think?"
   • "You're supposed to clean your room, but your friend calls to play outside. What's the first urge? What's the reminder you might hear?"

3. Detecting the Dialogue: For each scenario, ask your child:

   • "What's the 'Impulse-er' thought?" (e.g., "I want to play!" or "I want that cookie NOW!")
   • "What's the 'Wise Guide' thought?" (e.g., "It's nice to share," or "Dinner is soon, maybe I can have a cookie after," or "My room needs to be clean so I can find things later.")

4. Recording the Clues: Help your child write down or draw these "clues" on their paper. For younger children, you can write it for them. For older children, encourage them to jot down keywords. You can even label the thoughts: "Impulse thought: Play!" vs. "Wise Guide thought: Share."

5. The Arbitrator's Role: After identifying the two thoughts, ask: "Which thought do you think is the best one to listen to? What helps you decide?" This is where you gently introduce the idea of making a choice, and you can even add a little drawing of G-d's hand or a sparkle to represent the "Arbitrator" – the help we get to make the right choice. You can say, "Sometimes it's hard to choose, and that's okay. We can ask for help to make the best choice."

Parental Integration & Micro-Wins (2 minutes):

• Empathy First: As you facilitate, maintain a tone of curiosity, not judgment. "Oh, that's an interesting thought from the 'Impulse-er'!" or "I hear your 'Wise Guide' reminding you about that."
• Normalize the Struggle: Reassure your child (and yourself!) that having both kinds of thoughts is completely normal. The Tanya calls us "intermediate" for a reason!
• Focus on Awareness: The goal here isn't perfect decision-making, but simply awareness of the internal dialogue. That's a huge micro-win!
• Self-Reflection: After the activity, take a moment to reflect on your own inner dialogue during the activity. Were you patient? Did you catch yourself wanting to rush? That’s your own "Inner Dialogue Detective" work in action!

Why this works: This activity translates the abstract concepts of the divine and animal souls into concrete, child-friendly language. It empowers children to recognize their internal conflicts without shame, framing them as normal parts of being human. By giving names to these impulses and encouraging them to identify the "Wise Guide" thoughts, we are helping them develop the capacity for self-regulation and conscious decision-making, all under the gentle umbrella of divine assistance. It's a micro-lesson in self-mastery and reliance on G-d.

Script

(Scene: You're at the park, and your child asks why another child isn't sharing.)

Child: "Mom/Dad, why isn't Sarah sharing her ball? That's not fair!"

You (calmly, empathetically): "Oh, I hear you. It feels unfair when someone isn't sharing, doesn't it? Sometimes, when we really want to play with something, it's hard to let go, even for a moment. It’s like there’s a little voice inside that says, ‘Mine! Keep it!’ That’s a strong feeling, isn't it?"

(Pause, let them absorb)

You: "But then, there’s another voice, the one you’re hearing right now, that knows sharing is kind and makes playtime more fun for everyone. That's your 'Wise Guide' voice kicking in, reminding you about fairness. It’s like G-d whispers to us, helping us understand what’s truly good. It's tough when those two voices are arguing inside someone, or even inside us sometimes! We just have to remember that G-d is always helping us choose the kinder, fairer path, even when it’s hard."

(Brief, natural pause)

You: "Let’s try to be that 'Wise Guide' ourselves. Maybe we can find another toy to play with for now, or perhaps we can offer Sarah a turn later when she’s ready. It’s all about trying our best to be good, with His help."

Why this script works:

• Validates Feelings: It starts by acknowledging the child's emotion ("It feels unfair").
• Introduces the "Benoni" Concept Simply: It uses child-friendly language ("little voice," "Mine! Keep it!") to describe the animal soul's impulse.
• Highlights the Divine Soul/G-d's Help: It explicitly mentions the "Wise Guide" voice and links it to G-d's assistance ("It’s like G-d whispers to us").
• Normalizes Internal Conflict: It states, "It’s tough when those two voices are arguing inside someone, or even inside us sometimes!" This normalizes struggle for both the child and the parent.
• Focuses on Actionable Steps: It offers gentle, constructive suggestions for how to respond, reinforcing the "Wise Guide"’s influence.
• Time-Conscious: It delivers the core message in about 30 seconds, fitting into a natural pause in park play.
• No Guilt: It avoids shaming Sarah or the child, focusing instead on understanding and positive action.

Habit

The "Good Enough" Pause (Micro-habit for the week)

Goal: To cultivate self-compassion and recognize G-d's continuous assistance, especially when we feel overwhelmed or imperfect.

How to do it: At least once a day, when you feel a wave of "I'm not doing enough" or "I messed up" wash over you (and let's be honest, this will happen!), pause. Take one deep breath. Silently say to yourself (or out loud if you're alone):

"Baruch HaShem. I am a 'benoni.' G-d is helping me. This is good enough for now."

Why this is a micro-habit: This habit is designed to be incredibly brief, fitting into the busiest of schedules. It directly addresses the pressure we often feel as parents to be perfect, a pressure that often stems from internalizing the "evil inclination's" harsh judgments. By intentionally pausing and acknowledging our "benoni" status – that we are in a process, not a finished product – and by actively invoking gratitude ("Baruch HaShem") and faith ("G-d is helping me"), we are rewiring our internal response. The phrase "This is good enough for now" is a powerful antidote to perfectionism and guilt. It's a permission slip to be human, to be a work in progress, and to trust that G-d’s help is not conditional on our flawless execution. This micro-habit anchors us in the reality of the Tanya's teaching: we are constantly supported in our efforts, and "good enough" is not just acceptable, it's often the path to true growth. It's about celebrating the effort, the intention, and the ongoing journey with Divine partnership.

Takeaway

The Tanya's concept of the "benoni" offers us a profound and liberating perspective on parenting. We are not called to be flawless paragons, nor are our children. We are all "intermediate people," constantly navigating the interplay between our impulses and our higher aspirations. The core message is one of empathy and realistic hope: our struggle is normal, our imperfections are not failures, and G-d's unwavering assistance is always at our side, illuminating our divine souls and empowering us to choose the good. Embrace the "good enough," celebrate the micro-wins of awareness and effort, and trust that in this ongoing, divinely-assisted process, we are doing exactly what we're meant to be doing.