Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 13:11

Hook

We gather today in this quiet space, not to erase or forget, but to hold something precious and profound: the tapestry of a life. Perhaps this moment is marked by an anniversary, a birthday, or a day that simply calls to mind the unique light that once shone among us. The path of memory and meaning is not always linear; it winds and doubles back, bringing forth echoes of laughter, whispers of wisdom, and the indelible imprint of love. It is a journey we undertake with reverence, acknowledging the depth of what was and the enduring resonance it holds within us. This space is for that journey, for the gentle unfolding of remembrance, and for honoring the legacy that continues to shape our world.

Text Snapshot

"Therewith will be understood the commentary of our Sages that “intermediate people are judged by both [the good and evil natures], for it is written, ‘When He stands at the right of the destitute to deliver him from the judges of his soul.’” Note that they did not say “ruled” by both, G–d forbid, because where the evil nature gains any control and dominion over the “small city,” even though but temporarily, one is at such times deemed “wicked.” The evil nature [in the benoni], however, is no more than, for example, a magistrate or judge who gives his opinion on a point of law, yet it is not necessarily a final decision to be implemented in deed, for there is another magistrate or judge who is contesting this opinion. It is, therefore, necessary to arbitrate between the two, and the final verdict rests with the arbitrator. Similarly, the evil nature states its opinion in the left part of the heart, which thence ascends to the brain for contemplation. Immediately it is challenged by the second judge, the divine soul in the brain extending into the right part of the heart, the abode of the good nature. The final verdict comes from the arbitrator—the Holy One, blessed is He, who comes to the aid of the good nature, as our Sages said, “If the Holy One, blessed is He, did not help him, he could not overcome his evil inclination.”"

Kavvanah

The Inner Landscape of Being

This passage from Tanya, Likkutei Amarim, chapter 13, offers a profound and nuanced perspective on the inner life of an individual, a concept that can deeply resonate with our experience of grief and remembrance. The Sages speak of the "intermediate person" (benoni), a soul in a constant state of negotiation between two powerful forces: the "evil nature" and the "divine soul." This concept invites us to consider the complexity of the person we remember, and indeed, the complexity within ourselves as we navigate their absence.

Understanding the "Benoni" in Remembrance

When we remember a loved one, we often hold a singular, idealized image of them. This is natural, a testament to the love and admiration we hold. However, the Tanya's concept of the benoni reminds us that human beings are intricate beings, comprised of a spectrum of motivations, impulses, and inner dialogues. The "evil nature," as described here, is not necessarily outright malice, but rather the innate drives, the worldly desires, the moments of doubt or frustration that are part of the human condition. The "divine soul," on the other hand, represents our aspirations, our capacity for goodness, our connection to something higher, our inherent yearning for meaning and purpose.

The text states that the benoni is "judged by both." This is not a condemnation, but an acknowledgment of the internal wrestling match that defines so much of our lives. For the person we remember, this duality likely existed. There were times of immense kindness and generosity, moments of profound insight and spiritual connection, and perhaps also times of struggle, of impatience, of wrestling with their own limitations. To embrace the benoni in our remembrance is to honor the fullness of their being. It is to acknowledge that their humanity, with all its inherent complexities, is precisely what made them unique and beloved.

The "Judges" and the "Arbitrator"

The metaphor of "judges" for these two inclinations is striking. It suggests a process of deliberation, of weighing arguments, within the "small city" of the heart and mind. The "evil nature" presents its case, perhaps advocating for immediate gratification, for self-preservation, or for a moment of anger. The "divine soul" counters, appealing to higher principles, to empathy, to love, to long-term purpose. This internal dialogue, this wrestling, is not a sign of failure, but of life itself.

And at the heart of this internal court is the "arbitrator—the Holy One, blessed is He." This is a powerful image of divine assistance, of a presence that offers support to the good nature. It speaks to a fundamental belief that, even in our deepest struggles, we are not alone. For the person we remember, this divine assistance, this inner strength, was likely a source of resilience and guidance. For us, in our grief, it can be a source of comfort and hope. It suggests that the very act of striving for good, of seeking to overcome our less noble impulses, is intrinsically supported.

Hope Without Denial

The Tanya is careful to distinguish between being "ruled" by the evil nature and being "judged" by it. This is crucial. Even when the evil nature gains temporary control, it is not necessarily a final verdict. It is a fleeting moment, a point of law being argued, but not necessarily implemented. This offers a profound message of hope. It means that even the most challenging moments in a person's life, or in our own lives, do not define their entire essence. The capacity for redemption, for a shift in perspective, for a renewed commitment to the good, always exists.

In our remembrance, this allows us to hold a balanced view. We can acknowledge the difficulties, the imperfections, the moments of struggle, without letting them overshadow the totality of their character. It liberates us from the pressure to create a perfect portrait and allows us to embrace a more authentic and loving remembrance. This is not about overlooking pain or minimizing hardship, but about understanding that these were part of a larger, ongoing process of becoming.

Cultivating Inner Strength and Resilience

The concept of the benoni also offers a framework for understanding our own journeys of grief and growth. We, too, are engaged in this internal arbitration. We experience moments of despair and longing, and we also tap into reservoirs of strength, love, and hope. The Tanya's emphasis on the divine aid in overcoming the evil inclination can be a source of encouragement. It reminds us that the capacity for resilience is not solely dependent on our own unaided efforts. There is a grace, a support system, that is available to us.

Our kavvanah, our intention in this ritual, is to hold the memory of the person we love with this same understanding of profound complexity and inherent goodness. We aim to honor the fullness of their being, acknowledging their struggles and their triumphs, their humanity and their spirit. We wish to embrace the understanding that their life, like all lives, was a journey of constant negotiation, a testament to the enduring power of the divine spark within. We approach their memory not with an idealized, static image, but with a living, breathing appreciation for the intricate and beautiful soul they were, and continue to be, in the tapestry of our lives. This intention allows for a more spacious and compassionate remembrance, one that embraces the totality of their existence and its lasting impact.

Practice

The Embodied Word: A Candle, a Name, and a Story

This practice is designed to anchor our remembrance in tangible, sensory experience, allowing the essence of the person we hold dear to emerge through a simple yet profound ritual. We will engage with a candle, their name, and a chosen memory. This is not about performance, but about presence.

Part 1: The Candle's Flame – A Beacon of Light

Choice: Select a candle that feels meaningful to you. This could be a white candle to symbolize purity and new beginnings, a colored candle that held significance for the person you remember (perhaps their favorite color, or a color associated with a significant event), or simply a candle that evokes a sense of warmth and gentle light.

The Practice:

1. Preparation: Find a quiet space where you can be undisturbed for a few minutes. Place the candle on a stable surface, perhaps on a small plate or holder. Take a moment to settle yourself. Breathe deeply, allowing your shoulders to relax.
2. Lighting: Hold a match or lighter in your hand. As you prepare to ignite the wick, bring the person you are remembering into your heart and mind. What was the quality of their light? Was it a steady, comforting glow, a vibrant, energetic flame, or a gentle, illuminating presence?
3. The Ignition: Light the candle. As the flame flickers to life, imagine it as a representation of their spirit, their essence, their enduring presence. It is a beacon, a reminder that while their physical presence may be gone, their light continues to shine, illuminating our memories and our paths forward.
4. Observation: Gaze into the flame. Allow yourself to be present with its movement. Notice the subtle shifts, the way it dances and flickers. This dance is not chaotic; it is a dynamic expression of life. Think of the person you remember and the dynamic nature of their life – the joys, the challenges, the quiet moments, the bursts of energy. The flame does not deny the darkness around it; it simply shines within it. This is a beautiful parallel to how memory can illuminate the darkness of absence.
5. Holding the Light: As you watch the flame, offer a silent intention: "May this light illuminate the precious memories of [Name of the person] and remind me of the enduring warmth of their presence in my life." Allow this intention to settle within you.

Part 2: Speaking Their Name – A Resonance of Being

Choice: Decide how you will speak their name. Will you say it aloud, softly? Will you whisper it? Will you simply hold it in your mind's ear? There is no single correct way. Choose what feels most authentic and respectful to you in this moment.

The Practice:

1. Invocation: While the candle flame continues to burn, bring the full name of the person you remember to the forefront of your consciousness. If they had a nickname or a special way they were addressed, you may choose to use that.
2. The Utterance (or Internalization):
   • If speaking aloud: Gently, clearly, and with intention, speak their name. Let the sound resonate in the space around you. Feel the vibration of their name on your tongue, in the air.
   • If whispering: Lean in towards the candle flame, or towards your heart, and whisper their name. This is a more intimate act, a private communion.
   • If internalizing: Close your eyes for a moment and repeat their name silently in your mind. Focus on the feeling the name evokes. Is it a sense of comfort, of longing, of gratitude, of peace?
3. The Significance of the Name: The name is more than just a label; it is a carrier of identity, of history, of relationships. When we speak their name, we invoke the entirety of their being. The Tanya speaks of the "small city" of the heart and mind, where the divine and animal souls engage in dialogue. Similarly, a name can be seen as a gateway to the entire inner landscape of a person. It connects us to their unique journey, their aspirations, their struggles, and their triumphs.
4. Connecting to the Text: Consider how the concept of the benoni might relate to the name. Even if the person had moments of struggle or imperfection, their name encompasses all of those experiences, not just the perceived "good" or "evil" impulses. Their name holds the totality of their being, the space where these inner dialogues took place. Speaking their name acknowledges this fullness. It is an act of affirmation of their existence, in its entirety.

Part 3: The Story Unfolds – A Thread of Meaning

Choice: Select a single, specific memory to focus on. This is not about recounting a grand narrative, but about choosing a small, vivid moment that encapsulates a particular quality or aspect of the person you remember. It could be a moment of kindness, a funny anecdote, an act of quiet strength, a shared lesson, or a simple observation.

The Practice:

1. Recalling the Moment: As you continue to hold the candle's light and the resonance of their name, gently bring this chosen memory to mind. What are the sensory details?
   • Sight: What did you see? The color of their clothes, the expression on their face, the environment around them?
   • Sound: What did you hear? Their voice, the ambient sounds, laughter, silence?
   • Feeling: What emotions were present? For them, for you? What was the physical sensation of the moment?
   • Smell or Taste (if applicable): Were there any particular scents or tastes associated with this memory?
2. Narrating the Micro-Memory: Begin to speak the story aloud, or to yourself. Start with a simple opening, like "I remember one time..." or "There was a moment when..."
3. Focus on the Essence: As you tell the story, try to capture not just the events, but the essence of what that moment reveals about the person.
   • If it was a moment of kindness, what did that kindness reveal about their character? Did it align with the "divine soul" aspect described in the Tanya, their inherent goodness and desire to help?
   • If it was a moment of struggle or frustration, how did they navigate it? Did they show resilience? Did they learn from it? This can reflect the internal "arbitration" process, the wrestling between impulses. Even in moments of difficulty, their way of responding can reveal much about their inner strength.
   • If it was a moment of joy or humor, what did that lightheartedness bring to your life, and perhaps to theirs?
4. Connecting to the "Benoni" Framework: While telling the story, consider how it might reflect the benoni concept.
   • Perhaps the story highlights a moment where their "divine soul" clearly held sway, demonstrating their capacity for love, wisdom, or compassion.
   • Or, perhaps the story illustrates a moment where they were grappling with a difficult impulse, but ultimately chose a path that aligned with their higher aspirations. This demonstrates the ongoing internal dialogue, the "judges" weighing in.
   • If the story involves a challenging interaction, you might reflect on how they navigated it. Did they show self-awareness? Did they seek reconciliation? These are all aspects of the complex inner life described in the Tanya.
   • Remember the Tanya's emphasis: "Note that they did not say 'ruled' by both... because where the evil nature gains any control and dominion... even though but temporarily, one is at such times deemed 'wicked.'" This encourages us to see that a single challenging moment does not define the person. Your story can serve as a counterpoint, demonstrating the prevailing goodness or resilience that characterized their life.
5. Concluding the Story: Bring the story to a gentle close. You might end with a reflection on what that memory means to you now. For example: "That moment always reminds me of their incredible patience," or "Their ability to find humor even then was so characteristic of them."
6. The Lingering Flame: Allow the candle to continue burning for a few more moments after you finish speaking. Gaze at its flame, holding the story and the name in your heart. This practice is about weaving together the tangible (the candle), the resonant (the name), and the meaningful (the story) to create a sacred space for remembrance.

Community

Shared Light, Shared Stories: An Invitation to Connect

Grief and remembrance are journeys that can feel intensely personal, yet they are also profoundly communal. The wisdom of the Tanya, with its exploration of the intricate inner lives of individuals, reminds us that we are not alone in our internal dialogues and struggles. In the same way, the act of remembering someone beloved is a shared human experience, and connecting with others can offer solace, understanding, and a deeper appreciation for the legacy we hold.

The Practice: A Circle of Resonance

Choice: Decide whether you would like to share this practice with others, either in person or virtually. You can invite a close friend, a family member, or a small group who also knew and loved the person you are remembering. Alternatively, you can simply hold the intention of communal connection in your heart, knowing that others may be engaging in similar acts of remembrance simultaneously.

The Practice:

1. Setting the Space (In-Person): If gathering in person, create a space that feels comfortable and conducive to sharing. This might involve arranging chairs in a circle, dimming the lights slightly, and placing a shared candle in the center. The shared candle can symbolize the collective light of remembrance that you are creating together.
2. Setting the Space (Virtual): If gathering virtually, establish a clear time for your connection. Encourage participants to have their own candle lit during the session, creating a sense of visual connection despite physical distance. Ensure everyone has a stable internet connection and a quiet place to participate.
3. The Shared Kavvanah: Begin by sharing the intention of your gathering. You might say something like: "We are gathered here today to honor the memory of [Name of the person]. We understand that remembrance is a journey, and that this journey can be enriched by sharing our experiences and our insights. Today, we will engage in a practice of holding their light, speaking their name, and sharing a memory, acknowledging the complexity and beauty of their life, much like the insights we find in ancient wisdom about the human spirit."
4. The Communal Candle Lighting: Invite each person to light their candle, or to focus on the shared candle. As the flames flicker, you can collectively affirm the intention: "We light this flame in honor of [Name of the person]'s enduring spirit and the light they brought into our lives."
5. Speaking Their Name Together: You can choose to speak the name of the person you remember in unison. This can be a powerful moment of collective affirmation. Alternatively, you can invite each person to say the name at their own pace, creating a gentle chorus of remembrance.
6. Sharing the Micro-Memory (with Spaciousness): This is the heart of the communal practice. Invite each person to share the micro-memory they prepared.
   • Invitation, Not Obligation: Emphasize that sharing is an invitation, not an obligation. If someone feels they cannot share a specific memory at this time, that is perfectly acceptable. The presence and intention to connect are valuable in themselves.
   • Active Listening: Encourage participants to listen with open hearts and minds. Avoid interrupting or offering unsolicited advice. The goal is to bear witness to each other's experiences and memories.
   • Connecting to the Tanya (Optional, but Recommended): After each person shares their memory, you might offer a gentle invitation for reflection that connects to the Tanya's themes. For example: "Thank you for sharing that. It's a beautiful glimpse into [Name of the person]'s character. It makes me think about how we all navigate those moments of inner dialogue, the 'judges' of our souls, and how our loved ones, like [Name of the person], showed us how they, too, found their way." Or, "That story really highlights the strength of their 'divine soul' in that moment. It reminds us that even amidst life's complexities, there is always that spark of goodness and resilience."
   • Embrace Different Timelines: Acknowledge that grief is not linear. Some memories may bring comfort, others may bring tears. All responses are valid and welcome. The Tanya's concept of the benoni reminds us that even within a single life, there were varying degrees of internal experience, and so too, in grief, there are varying emotional landscapes.
7. Concluding the Practice: As the time draws to a close, you can offer a concluding reflection. This might involve a collective affirmation of the person's legacy, a word of gratitude for the shared experience, or a gentle reminder of the ongoing support available within the community. You might say: "Thank you for being here and for sharing this sacred space with me/us. By sharing our memories, we weave a stronger tapestry of [Name of the person]'s legacy, and in doing so, we also strengthen our own connections. May the light of their memory continue to illuminate our paths."

The Takeaway for Community: This communal practice offers a profound reminder that while we may carry our grief individually, we are part of a larger human experience. By sharing our memories and our insights, we not only honor the person we remember but also offer each other mutual support and a deeper understanding of the enduring power of love and legacy. The act of listening and bearing witness can be a powerful balm, reminding us that we are not alone in our journey.

Takeaway

The wisdom of the Tanya, in its exploration of the benoni, invites us into a richer, more honest, and ultimately more hopeful way of remembering. It teaches us that the individuals we love were complex, striving beings, engaged in an ongoing internal dialogue. To embrace this complexity is not to diminish their memory, but to honor its fullness.

Our practice today – the candle's steady glow, the resonant utterance of a name, the unfolding of a specific memory – has aimed to connect us with the tangible and intangible aspects of their being. By engaging with these elements, we can access not just a curated image, but the living essence of the person we hold dear.

And through the act of sharing, we recognize that remembrance is a communal act, a weaving of individual threads into a collective tapestry. In offering our stories and our listening presence to one another, we affirm that the impact of a life extends far beyond the individual, resonating within families, friendships, and communities.

May the light you have kindled today continue to illuminate your path, and may the memories you have held and shared bring you a measure of peace, a deep sense of connection, and a lasting appreciation for the unique and enduring legacy of the one you remember. The journey of memory and meaning is ongoing, and with each gentle act of remembrance, we honor the profound truth that love, in its essence, never truly fades.