Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 13:11

Okay, deep breaths. We're diving into some serious spiritual psychology today, but we're going to keep it grounded, practical, and, most importantly, guilt-free. Think of this as a spiritual tune-up, not a performance review. We're aiming for good enough and celebrating every step. Baruch Hashem for the chance to learn and grow, even when it feels messy.

Insight

The Tanya, in this passage, introduces us to the concept of the benoni, the "intermediate person." This isn't about being mediocre; it's about a profound spiritual reality: we all have two primary internal forces at play. There's the "evil inclination" (the yetzer hara), which craves worldly pleasures and can be quite persuasive, and the "divine soul" (the yetzer hatov), which is our innate connection to the Divine and yearns for holiness. The benoni is the person who is not completely dominated by either force. Unlike the tzaddik (righteous person) whose evil inclination is essentially dormant or nullified, or the rasha (wicked person) who is actively ruled by their evil inclination, the benoni is in a constant state of internal negotiation.

This passage beautifully illustrates this internal tug-of-war. The "evil nature" makes its case, like a magistrate offering an opinion. This opinion ascends to the brain for consideration. Immediately, the "divine soul," also residing in the brain, challenges this opinion. The ultimate verdict, however, doesn't solely rest on the strength of these two internal voices. It depends on the "arbitrator" – the Holy One, blessed be He. God's help comes in the form of divine illumination, which empowers our divine soul to gain the upper hand. This isn't about brute force; it's about clarity and light overcoming darkness.

What makes this so relevant for us as parents? We see this internal struggle mirrored in our children's behavior. One moment they're angelic, the next they're wrestling with their impulses. More importantly, we experience it ourselves! We know what's right, we want to be patient, we aspire to greater holiness, but then… the demands of life, the fatigue, the frustrations, and suddenly that "evil inclination" whispers its persuasive arguments. This passage reassures us that this internal conflict is normal. It's the human condition. The goal isn't to eliminate the evil inclination entirely (that's a tzaddik's level, and frankly, a bit intimidating!), but to ensure that our divine soul, with God's help, remains in charge.

The Tanya emphasizes that even when our divine soul is in control, and our actions are aligned with Torah, the essence of the evil inclination might still be present, just dormant, like a sleeping person. This is why the Sages advise us to regard ourselves as if we were wicked, not to induce guilt, but to cultivate humility and ongoing vigilance. It’s a reminder that our spiritual work is never done, and that true righteousness isn't about perfection, but about persistent effort and reliance on Divine assistance. For us as parents, this translates to immense self-compassion. We will falter, we will get frustrated, we will not always act as the idealized parent. That's okay. The benoni state acknowledges this inherent duality. Our focus should be on the constant effort to align our actions with our divine soul's aspirations, recognizing that God is our ultimate helper in this endeavor. It’s about the process of choosing the good, time and time again, even when the whispers of the lower nature are loud.

Text Snapshot

"intermediate people are judged by both [the good and evil natures], for it is written, ‘When He stands at the right of the destitute to deliver him from the judges of his soul.’"

"The evil nature [in the benoni], however, is no more than, for example, a magistrate or judge who gives his opinion on a point of law, yet it is not necessarily a final decision to be implemented in deed, for there is another magistrate or judge who is contesting this opinion."

"The help comes by means of the glow radiated by the Divine light, which illuminates the divine soul, that it may gain the upper hand and mastery over the folly of the fool and evil nature, in the manner of the excellence of light over darkness."

"Even if the whole world tells you that you are righteous, in your own eyes regard yourself as if you were wicked."

Activity

The "Inner Council" Brainstorm

This activity is designed to help parents and children (ages 6+) visualize and understand the concept of inner dialogue and decision-making. It takes about 5-10 minutes.

Objective: To playfully explore the different "voices" inside us when making a choice, and to practice giving the "good" voice a little more power.

Materials:

• A piece of paper or a small whiteboard.
• Markers or pens in different colors.

Instructions for Parent:

1. Introduce the Idea (1 minute): "Hey [child's name], you know how sometimes when we have to decide something, it feels like there are different ideas or feelings inside our head? Like one part of you wants one thing, and another part wants something else?"
2. Set the Scene (2 minutes): "Today, we're going to pretend we have a little 'Inner Council' meeting in our brain. We're going to be like detectives looking at the different suggestions our brain gives us. Let's pick a simple choice we might face. For example, 'Should I eat a cookie before dinner, or wait?' or 'Should I play with my toys, or help tidy up?'"
3. Assign Roles (2 minutes): "Okay, so let's say the choice is 'Should I have a cookie now?' We can have two main 'council members' giving advice.
   • Member 1: The 'Fun Now' Guy! (Use a fun, perhaps slightly mischievous color). This is the part that says, 'Yes! Cookies are yummy! Eat it now! It'll be so good!' This voice is like the yetzer hara – it focuses on immediate pleasure."
   • Member 2: The 'Wise Helper' Guy! (Use a calm, perhaps bright color). This is the part that says, 'Hmm, maybe we should wait until after dinner to have a cookie so our tummies are full of healthy food. Or maybe we can help with tidying up first, and then we can think about a treat.' This voice is like our yetzer hatov – it thinks about what's best in the long run."
4. Brainstorm & Draw (3-4 minutes): "Let's draw our 'Inner Council' on this paper. We can draw a little head, and inside, we'll have two thought bubbles. In one bubble, let's write or draw what the 'Fun Now' Guy says. (e.g., 'Yummy cookie! Now!'). And in the other bubble, let's write or draw what the 'Wise Helper' Guy says. (e.g., 'Wait for after dinner,' or 'Help tidy')."
   • For younger children: Focus on drawing simple pictures representing the ideas.
   • For older children: Encourage them to write down the arguments.
5. The Arbitrator (1 minute): "Now, who gets the final say? It's us! We're the boss of our brain. And you know what? We have a special helper from Above that helps us make the good choice. It's like a little light that shines on the 'Wise Helper's' idea. So, when we look at both ideas, we can choose to listen to the 'Wise Helper' more, especially when we want to do something good. So, what do we decide to do based on our Inner Council meeting?"
6. Celebrate the Choice: "Great job making that decision! You listened to all your ideas and chose the best path."

Why this works for busy parents:

• Quick: Can be done in a short, focused burst.
• Engaging: Uses play and imagination.
• Concrete: Makes an abstract concept tangible.
• Empowering: Teaches children (and reminds parents!) that they have agency in their choices.
• No Guilt: Focuses on the process of weighing options, not on "bad" thoughts.

Script

(Parent is talking to a child, perhaps 8-12 years old, who has just asked a question that feels a bit awkward or challenging, like "Why did you get mad at me yesterday?" or "Is it okay to feel jealous sometimes?")

Parent: "That's a really good question, and I appreciate you asking it. You know, sometimes when we're trying to figure things out, especially about feelings or why people do things, it can feel a little complicated inside. Like, remember how we talked about how sometimes we have different 'voices' or 'ideas' in our head when we're deciding something? (Pause briefly for a nod or acknowledgement). Well, it's a bit like that with feelings too. Sometimes, when I reacted yesterday, it was because I was feeling [briefly and honestly name a feeling, e.g., 'tired,' 'frustrated,' 'worried']. That's one 'voice' or feeling I had. But then, there was another 'voice' inside me, the one that knows [mention a core value, e.g., 'how important it is to be patient,' 'that you're a good kid']. That second voice is always there, trying to help me be the best version of myself, just like you have that voice inside you too. So, when you ask me that, it helps me remember to listen to that second, wiser voice. Thank you for helping me do that. We're both learning how to navigate all these different feelings, right?"

Why this works:

• Validates the Question: Shows the child their question is important and welcome.
• Normalizes Complexity: Reassures the child that feelings and motivations can be nuanced.
• Connects to Prior Learning: Links the current situation to the "Inner Council" activity (or similar concepts).
• Models Vulnerability (Appropriately): Briefly shares a feeling without oversharing or making it about the child's fault.
• Focuses on the "Good Voice": Emphasizes the presence and power of the positive internal guidance.
• Empowering for Both: Positions parent and child as learners together.
• Time-boxed: Gets to the core message efficiently.

Habit

The "Moment of Pause" Check-in

Goal: To cultivate awareness of internal impulses and create space for a more intentional response.

Micro-habit: For one week, aim to practice a 5-second "Moment of Pause" before reacting to a frustrating situation with your child, or before indulging a personal impulse (like grabbing a snack when not truly hungry).

How to do it:

1. Recognize the Trigger: Notice when you feel that surge of annoyance, impatience, or a strong craving.
2. Pause: Take a single, conscious breath. Just five seconds of stillness. You don't need to solve anything; just pause.
3. Briefly Acknowledge: Silently tell yourself, "Okay, I feel [frustrated/tempted]." This is not judgment, just observation.
4. Gentle Redirection: Then, allow yourself to proceed with your action, but with a slightly more mindful intention.

Why this is a micro-habit:

• Time Commitment: Literally 5 seconds. You can do this while walking to the kitchen, before speaking, or even while looking at your child.
• Low Pressure: The goal isn't immediate transformation, but simply creating a tiny bit of space.
• Builds Awareness: Each pause is a small win, training your brain to notice your internal state.
• No Guilt: If you forget, you just try again. It’s about the effort, not the perfect execution.
• Connects to the Tanya: This pause is where the divine soul gets a chance to be heard over the immediate impulse of the animal soul.

Takeaway

The Tanya's concept of the benoni offers a profound and compassionate lens through which to view ourselves and our parenting journey. We are not expected to be perfect saints, devoid of struggle. Instead, we are complex beings navigating an internal landscape of competing desires. Our role, both for ourselves and our children, is to cultivate awareness of these inner voices and, with the help of the Divine, consistently choose to amplify the voice of our divine soul. This isn't about eliminating the struggle, but about engaging with it mindfully, with self-compassion, and with the understanding that every attempt to choose the good, however small, is a victory. Chazak v'ematz – be strong and courageous in this beautiful, messy, and holy work!