Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 13:11

Shalom! As your Jewish parenting coach, I'm here to help you navigate the beautiful, messy journey of raising kids with a touch of Torah wisdom. We'll focus on practical, empathetic approaches, celebrating every "good-enough" try. Remember, we're aiming for progress, not perfection. Let's dive into today's 15-minute session!

Insight

The Tanya, specifically Likkutei Amarim 13:11, offers a profound insight into the nature of the human soul, dividing individuals into three categories: the tzaddik (righteous), the rasha (wicked), and the benoni (intermediate). For us as parents, understanding the benoni is particularly illuminating. It describes a person who is constantly engaged in an internal struggle between their divine soul (the good inclination) and their animal soul (the evil inclination). This isn't about being passively good or bad; it's about an active, ongoing negotiation. The Tanya explains that for the benoni, the evil inclination is never truly vanquished. It's like a magistrate offering an opinion, but not a final decree. The divine soul, empowered by G-d's help, acts as the arbitrator, contesting the animal soul's desires. Even when the divine soul is in ascendancy, especially during moments of intense spiritual connection like prayer, the animal soul isn't eliminated. It's merely subdued, dormant, like a sleeping person who can awaken. This is why even someone deeply dedicated to Torah study, like the sage Rabbah, considered himself a benoni. His outward actions were righteous, but he recognized that the essence of the evil inclination remained, capable of reawakening. This perspective is incredibly freeing for parents. We often feel immense pressure to be perfect, to have our children always on their best behavior, and to model unwavering righteousness. But the Tanya teaches us that even the most dedicated individuals experience internal conflict. This understanding shifts our focus from unattainable perfection to the daily, moment-by-moment effort of engaging with our own inclinations and guiding our children to do the same. It encourages empathy for ourselves and our children when we stumble, recognizing that these are not signs of fundamental failure but part of the human experience of being a benoni. We are not defined by the presence of these inclinations, but by how we choose to respond to them, with G-d's help. This means acknowledging the struggle, celebrating the effort, and understanding that growth is a continuous process, not a destination. When we view our parenting through this lens, we can approach discipline with more patience, understand our children's outbursts with greater compassion, and model a more authentic and resilient approach to life's challenges. We learn to bless the chaos, not just endure it, by seeing it as the fertile ground where our children’s characters are forged, just as our own are. The "micro-wins" become our guiding stars – a moment of calm negotiation, a child's attempt at kindness, our own patient response instead of an immediate reaction. This isn't about excusing bad behavior, but about understanding its roots and fostering a growth mindset in both ourselves and our children. The Tanya's description of the benoni is a powerful reminder that our spiritual journey, and therefore our parenting journey, is one of constant engagement, learning, and reliance on divine assistance. It's about striving for truth, even when we feel imperfect, and trusting that the effort itself is what matters. This understanding allows us to be more present, more forgiving, and ultimately, more effective in nurturing our children's souls.

Text Snapshot

"intermediate people are judged by both [the good and evil natures], for it is written, ‘When He stands at the right of the destitute to deliver him from the judges of his soul.’... The evil nature [in the benoni], however, is no more than, for example, a magistrate or judge who gives his opinion on a point of law, yet it is not necessarily a final decision to be implemented in deed, for there is another magistrate or judge who is contesting this opinion." — Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 13:11

Activity

The "Inner Judge" Game (10 minutes)

Goal: To help children understand that they have different thoughts and feelings, and that they can choose which one to listen to, much like the benoni in the Tanya.

Materials:

• Two different colored pieces of paper (e.g., blue for "Good Idea" and red for "Uh-Oh Idea")
• Markers or crayons

Instructions:

1. Introduction (2 minutes): Sit down with your child. Say something like, "You know how sometimes you have a really good idea pop into your head, and other times, maybe a not-so-good idea? Today, we're going to play a game about those ideas!" Explain that in our minds, we have different parts that can suggest different things. One part wants to be helpful and kind (like a good judge), and another part might want to do something that's not so helpful (like a judge who gives a not-so-great opinion). The Tanya talks about this!

2. Brainstorming Scenarios (4 minutes): Think of a few simple, relatable scenarios that your child might encounter. Examples:

   • "You have a toy that your sibling really wants to play with."
   • "You see a friend who looks sad at recess."
   • "You're supposed to be cleaning your room, but you'd rather play a video game."
   • "You accidentally broke something."

3. "Idea Cards" Creation (4 minutes): For each scenario, ask your child:

   • "What's a good thing you could think or do in this situation? What would the 'Good Idea Judge' say?" (Have them draw a simple picture or write a word representing the good idea on the blue paper, e.g., "Share," "Ask nicely," "Help clean," "Say sorry.")

   • "What's a not-so-good thing you might think or do? What would the 'Uh-Oh Idea Judge' say?" (Have them draw a simple picture or write a word representing the not-so-good idea on the red paper, e.g., "Don't share," "Yell," "Ignore," "Blame someone else.")

   • Parental Guidance: As they draw/write, gently guide them. For the "Uh-Oh" ideas, frame them as suggestions from the "Uh-Oh Judge" rather than inherent badness in the child. For example, instead of "You want to hit," say "The 'Uh-Oh Judge' might think about grabbing it away." For the "Good Idea" side, you can connect it to the divine soul's influence.

4. The "Arbitrator" Moment (1 minute): Once you have a few pairs of cards, pick one scenario. Hold up both the blue ("Good Idea") and red ("Uh-Oh Idea") cards. Ask your child, "So, we have the 'Good Idea Judge' saying [read the good idea], and the 'Uh-Oh Idea Judge' saying [read the not-so-good idea]. What do you think is the best choice? Which judge should we listen to right now?" Emphasize that they get to decide, and often, the good idea is the one that makes everyone feel better in the long run. This is where the "arbitrator" (G-d's help) comes in, empowering them to choose wisely.

Why this works: This activity demystifies the internal conflict described in the Tanya. By externalizing the "judges" into tangible cards, children can begin to recognize that conflicting thoughts are normal. They learn that they have agency – they are the arbitrator who can choose which impulse to follow. It promotes self-awareness and empowers them to make conscious, positive choices, fostering a sense of control over their actions, even when faced with challenging impulses. It reframes internal struggles not as failures, but as opportunities for growth and decision-making, aligning with the benoni concept of ongoing negotiation.

Script

(For when your child says something defiant or acts out, and you're struggling to respond calmly)

Parent (taking a breath): "Whoa, that was a really strong feeling/idea that just came out. I hear you saying [repeat their defiant statement or describe their action, e.g., 'you really don't want to put away the toys right now' or 'you're feeling really frustrated']. It sounds like your 'Uh-Oh Idea Judge' is speaking up pretty loudly right now, telling you to [rephrase their impulse, e.g., 'just keep playing' or 'express that frustration by yelling']. I get that sometimes those 'Uh-Oh Ideas' feel really powerful, like they're the only option. But remember, we also have a 'Good Idea Judge' inside us, right? What's a different way we could handle this feeling or situation that would be more helpful, even if it's a little bit harder? Maybe we could [offer a gentle alternative, e.g., 'set a timer for 5 more minutes of play, and then we'll start cleaning' or 'take a deep breath together and then talk about why you're frustrated']? It's okay that the 'Uh-Oh Idea' popped up, but we can choose to listen to the 'Good Idea Judge' too. Let's try that."

Why this works: This script acknowledges the child's impulse without judgment, validating their feelings. It uses the "Inner Judge" metaphor to externalize the struggle, making it less personal and more about managing different "voices." It empowers the child by reminding them they have a choice and offers concrete, actionable alternatives aligned with the "Good Idea Judge." The tone is empathetic and encouraging, reinforcing the idea that even when the "Uh-Oh Idea" is loud, the "Good Idea" is always an option, and G-d's help is always available for them to choose wisely. It avoids shaming and focuses on collaborative problem-solving, promoting a sense of partnership in navigating difficult moments. This approach is grounded in the Tanya's understanding of the ongoing internal negotiation, helping the child see themselves as capable of making positive choices.

Habit

The "Pause & Consider" Micro-Habit (Daily, 1 minute)

Goal: To cultivate the ability to pause before reacting, giving space for the "Good Idea Judge" to emerge.

How-To:

1. Choose a Trigger: Pick one specific situation that often leads to an impulsive or frustrated reaction from you (e.g., when your child asks for the fifth snack, when they leave their shoes in the middle of the floor, when they interrupt you).
2. Set a Gentle Reminder: You could put a small sticky note on your fridge, computer, or mirror, or set a silent phone reminder for a specific time each day (e.g., mid-morning, after lunch). The reminder could simply say: "Pause & Consider."
3. Practice the Pause: When you encounter your chosen trigger situation, consciously take one deep breath before you respond. During that breath, mentally acknowledge the impulse ("Okay, I feel frustrated right now") and then quickly ask yourself, "What's the best way to handle this, not just the quickest?"
4. Act (Good Enough): Respond based on that brief consideration. It doesn't have to be a perfect, Torah-level response. Just the act of pausing and considering is the win.

Why this works: This habit directly addresses the benoni's struggle. The "evil inclination" often prompts immediate, reactive responses driven by frustration or desire. By intentionally pausing, we create a mental space where the divine soul, our "Good Idea Judge," has a chance to assert itself. This isn't about eliminating the initial impulse, but about preventing it from immediately dictating our actions. It's a micro-practice that builds a foundation for more thoughtful responses over time. Consistency, even in small doses, is key. This micro-habit trains our brains to move from automatic reaction to conscious choice, mirroring the internal arbitration process described in the Tanya. It’s about building resilience and self-awareness, one breath at a time.

Takeaway

The essence of being a benoni is not about achieving a state of perfect internal peace, but about the ongoing, often challenging, work of navigating the competing desires within us. For parents, this means embracing the reality that both we and our children will experience internal conflict. Instead of striving for an unattainable ideal of flawless behavior, let's focus on the process: acknowledging our impulses, seeking G-d's help to choose the good, and celebrating the effort. Our role is to be the empathetic guides, modeling resilience and self-awareness, and empowering our children to become their own internal arbitrators. Remember, every moment of conscious choice, every attempt to choose kindness over frustration, is a profound spiritual victory. Bless the chaos, and aim for those beautiful micro-wins!