Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 13:6

Here's a lesson designed for busy parents, focusing on the concept of the "benoni" (intermediate person) from the Tanya, presented in a practical and empathetic Jewish parenting coach style.

## Jewish Parenting in 15: The Benoni Heart

## Insight: Embracing the "Good Enough" Heart

Parenting is a beautifully messy, exhilarating, and often exhausting endeavor. We’re constantly juggling the demands of our children, our homes, our work, and our own well-being, all while trying to impart values and build a strong Jewish identity. In this whirlwind, it's easy to fall into the trap of striving for perfection, for that mythical image of the "perfect parent" who effortlessly navigates every challenge with grace and wisdom. We might see other parents who seem to have it all together, or we might internalize societal pressures that tell us we're not doing enough. This constant striving for an unattainable ideal can lead to immense guilt, self-doubt, and burnout.

But what if I told you that the Jewish tradition offers a framework that not only allows for imperfection but actually celebrates it? What if the goal isn't to be a flawless saint, but rather something far more achievable and, dare I say, more real? This week, we're diving into a profound concept from Chassidic philosophy, specifically from the Tanya, that can revolutionize how we view ourselves as parents and how we approach our spiritual and ethical growth. The text discusses the "benoni," often translated as the "intermediate person." This isn't someone who is half-good and half-bad, but rather someone who is actively engaged in a constant internal struggle between their divine soul and their animal soul.

The Tanya, in Likutei Amarim 13:6, describes this internal battle in vivid terms. It speaks of two "magistrates" or "judges" within the "small city" of the heart, which is our inner being. One is the evil inclination, dwelling in the left part of the heart, driven by worldly pleasures and desires. The other is the divine soul, residing in the right part of the heart, connected to intellect and spirituality. The key insight here is that for the benoni, the evil inclination isn't vanquished; it's present, it's powerful, and it's constantly vying for control. It's not that the evil nature is "ruled" by the good, but rather that the good nature, with the help of the Divine, is actively contesting its influence. This is crucial because it means that even when we stumble, even when we act out of anger or impatience, even when we feel like we've failed our children or our tradition, we are still within the realm of the benoni, provided we are engaged in this struggle.

Think about it this way: a tzaddik, a truly righteous person, has, in essence, subdued or even nullified their evil inclination. Their heart is "void within them" of evil, as the text quotes from Psalms. This is a lofty ideal, but for most of us, it feels like a distant star. The benoni, on the other hand, is the person who, when faced with temptation or a moment of weakness, recognizes the internal conflict. They might momentarily give in, but the divine soul is still present, still challenging, and still capable of reigning supreme. The text emphasizes that "the evil in the [heart’s] left part of the benoni is in its innate strength, craving after all the pleasures of this world, not having been nullified in its minuteness in relation to the good, nor having been relegated from its position to any degree." This is not a cause for despair; it's an honest assessment of our human condition.

The Tanya likens the evil inclination in the benoni to a magistrate offering an opinion that is contested by another magistrate. The final decision rests with an arbitrator, who is G-d, aiding the good inclination. This means that even when our baser instincts are vocal, there is a higher power and a divine spark within us that can, and often does, prevail. We are not defined by the fleeting moments of weakness, but by our ongoing commitment to the struggle and our reliance on that divine assistance.

This concept is incredibly liberating for parents. We are not expected to be perfect. Our children are not expected to be perfect. Our homes are not expected to be perfect. The Jewish journey is a process of becoming, of striving, of learning, and of growing. The benoni perspective allows us to acknowledge our imperfections without succumbing to them. It encourages us to see the moments when we do choose the good, when we manage to respond with patience instead of anger, when we prioritize connection over productivity, as significant victories, even if they are fleeting. These are the micro-wins that build resilience and faith.

The text states, "Even if the whole world tells you that you are righteous, in your own eyes regard yourself as if you were wicked." This is not a call to self-deprecation, but a profound lesson in humility and continuous self-awareness. It means we shouldn't become complacent. We shouldn't think we've "arrived" and that our struggles are over. We must remain vigilant, constantly aware of the ongoing internal dialogue and the need for divine assistance. For parents, this translates to understanding that our children are also benonim. They will make mistakes. They will test boundaries. They will have moments of selfishness and defiance. Our role isn't to eradicate these impulses overnight, but to guide them through the internal struggle, to help them recognize their own divine spark, and to foster an environment where the good inclination can gain ascendancy, with G-d’s help.

The Tanya further explains that the benoni's divine soul might be dominant during prayer or Torah study, but the evil inclination can "wake up again." This is a realistic depiction of our spiritual lives. We can feel deeply connected during Shabbat services or a meaningful family discussion, only to find ourselves irritable or preoccupied later that day. This doesn't negate the positive experience; it simply highlights the ongoing nature of the internal negotiation. The key is that the divine soul can reawaken this love and connection, especially during moments of intentional spiritual engagement.

So, how does this apply to our parenting? It means we can bless the chaos. We can acknowledge the tantrums, the spilled milk, the forgotten homework, not as failures, but as manifestations of the ongoing internal battles that are part of the human – and child – experience. When we respond with empathy and understanding, even when we're struggling ourselves, we are embodying the spirit of the benoni, leaning on our own divine spark and G-d's help. We are teaching our children that it's okay to not be perfect, but it's crucial to keep trying, to keep leaning towards the good, and to never stop seeking G-d's assistance. This perspective shifts the focus from achieving an impossible standard of perfection to embracing the ongoing, often imperfect, but always meaningful journey of growth. It allows us to be "good enough" parents, which, in the grand tapestry of Jewish life and raising a Jewish family, is truly wonderful.

## Text Snapshot

"The evil nature [in the benoni], however, is no more than, for example, a magistrate or judge who gives his opinion on a point of law, yet it is not necessarily a final decision to be implemented in deed, for there is another magistrate or judge who is contesting this opinion. It is, therefore, necessary to arbitrate between the two, and the final verdict rests with the arbitrator. Similarly, the evil nature states its opinion in the left part of the heart... Immediately it is challenged by the second judge, the divine soul in the brain... The final verdict comes from the arbitrator—the Holy One, blessed is He, who comes to the aid of the good nature..." — Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 13:6

## Activity: The "Heart's Two Voices" Game

This activity is designed to help your child (and you!) understand the concept of having different desires or impulses, and how we choose which one to listen to. It's a playful way to introduce the idea of internal struggle.

Materials:

• Two different colored pieces of paper or construction paper (e.g., red and blue, or black and white).
• Markers or crayons.
• Optional: Stickers or small treats for participation.

Setup (2 minutes):

1. Cut the colored papers into small squares or circles, about the size of a playing card. You'll want at least 3-4 of each color.
2. On the "red" (or darker) paper, write simple, common desires or impulses that might be considered less ideal, especially in a child. Examples: "I want a cookie NOW!", "I don't want to clean my room!", "I want to play games instead of homework!", "I want to shout!"
3. On the "blue" (or lighter) paper, write simple, common desires or impulses that align with good behavior, responsibility, or kindness. Examples: "I want to be patient," "I want to help tidy up," "I want to do my best on my work," "I want to use a kind voice."

Activity Steps (8 minutes):

1. Introduce the Idea (1 minute): "Sometimes, our hearts feel like they have two different voices talking inside them. One voice might want something fun right away, even if it's not the best idea. Another voice might remind us to be good, or responsible, or kind. Has that ever happened to you? Like when you really want candy before dinner, but another part of you knows it's better to wait?" (Use a relatable, simple example).

2. The Two Voices (3 minutes):

   • "I have these cards here. Some of them are like the 'want it now' voice, and some are like the 'let's be good' voice."

*   Show your child the two colors of paper. "Let's say this color [e.g., red] is for the 'want it now' voice, and this color [e.g., blue] is for the 'let's be good' voice."
*   Take turns picking up the cards. Read each one aloud together.
*   For each card, ask: "Which voice does this sound like? The 'want it now' voice, or the 'let's be good' voice?" Have your child place the card under the corresponding color.
*   Go through all the cards, discussing each one briefly. For example, if you pick "I want a cookie NOW!", you might say, "That sounds like a strong feeling, doesn't it? It's the voice that wants immediate happiness." If you pick "I want to be patient," you might say, "That's a different kind of feeling, isn't it? That's the voice that wants to do the right thing, even if it's hard."

3. The Arbitration (3 minutes):

   • "Now, this is where it gets interesting. Sometimes, both voices are speaking really loudly! Like, you really want that cookie, but you also know it's almost dinner time."
   • Pick two cards that represent a conflict, for example, "I want a cookie NOW!" (red) and "I want to wait for dinner" (blue).
   • "So, we have the 'want it now' voice and the 'let's be good' voice. What do we do when both are talking? It's like there's a grown-up, or a wise helper, inside us that listens to both voices and helps us decide what to do. We have to choose which voice to listen to, or maybe find a way to make both happy a little bit."
   • Ask your child: "If you really want a cookie, but it's almost dinner, what's the 'wise helper' voice telling you? Maybe to have a tiny taste after dinner? Or to wait patiently?"
   • You can also present a scenario where the "good" voice is clearly the better choice, and discuss how to make that voice stronger. "What if one voice says 'I want to hit my brother!' and the other says 'I want to use kind words'? Which voice do we want to listen to? And how can we help that 'kind words' voice be louder?"

4. Micro-Wins (1 minute):

   • "Every time we choose to listen to the 'let's be good' voice, even when the 'want it now' voice is loud, that's a super win! It means our 'wise helper' inside is getting stronger. And guess what? Even when we mess up and listen to the 'want it now' voice, it doesn't mean we're bad. It means we're learning, and that 'wise helper' voice is still there, ready for next time!"
   • Give stickers or a small treat for participating and for sharing their thoughts.

Parenting Connection: This activity mirrors the Tanya's concept of the benoni. The two colors represent the two souls, and the discussion about choosing which voice to listen to, or how to arbitrate, reflects the internal struggle. The "wise helper" is the divine soul, aided by G-d, making the decision. It's about acknowledging both impulses but actively choosing to align with the good.

Variations for Different Ages:

• Younger Children (Preschool-Kindergarten): Use simpler, more concrete examples. Instead of writing, draw simple pictures representing the desires (e.g., a cookie, a toy, a hug, sharing). Focus on "wanting" vs. "being good."
• Older Children (Elementary/Middle School): You can introduce more nuanced scenarios. Discuss the feelings associated with each "voice." You could even use the terms "temptation" and "responsibility."

Time-Saving Tip: Have the cards pre-made and ready to go. You can store them in a small baggie for quick access.

## Script: Navigating the "Why?" of Difficult Behavior

This script offers a brief, empathetic, and non-judgmental way to address your child when they are struggling with their impulses, framing it through the lens of the internal battle we've been discussing. The goal is to validate their feelings while gently guiding them towards better choices.

(Scenario: Your child is having a meltdown, perhaps over something minor, or has just done something impulsive like hitting a sibling or refusing to follow a clear instruction.)

Parent: (Kneeling down to your child’s level, speaking in a calm, empathetic tone) "Hey, sweetie. I see you're feeling really [frustrated/angry/upset] right now. It sounds like there's a big feeling inside you, right?"

(Pause for their acknowledgment, even a nod.)

Parent: "Sometimes, when we have big feelings, it's like there are two voices talking inside our head. One voice might be saying, 'I want this right now!' or 'I'm so mad!' That's a really strong voice, isn't it? It feels very real."

(Pause, let them absorb this. They might be too upset to fully engage, but the seed is planted.)

Parent: "And then, there's another voice, a quieter voice, that reminds us to be [kind/patient/safe/helpful]. That voice wants us to do the right thing, even when the other voice is shouting. It's like a little helper inside us."

(If they are still very agitated, you can offer a physical action.)

Parent: "Right now, it sounds like the 'want it now' voice is being super loud. It's okay to have that feeling. But let's take a deep breath together. [Model a deep breath]. Can we try to listen to that little helper voice, the one that knows how to be [kind/safe]?"

(If they are calming down a bit, you can ask a gentle question.)

Parent: "What do you think that little helper voice would say is a good way to handle this feeling right now?"

(If they’re still not ready to engage, you can offer a solution.)

Parent: "Maybe we need some quiet time to let the 'shouting' voice calm down, so we can hear the 'helper' voice better. How about we [suggest a calming activity: read a book, sit on the couch, go for a quick walk] for a few minutes?"

(Key elements of this script:)

• Validation: "I see you're feeling really [emotion]."
• Relatable Metaphor: "Two voices talking inside."
• Acknowledging the "Bad" Voice: "One voice might be saying..." (This normalizes the impulse without condoning the action).
• Introducing the "Good" Voice: "Another voice... reminds us to be..." (This is the divine soul/good inclination).
• Empowerment/Choice: "We have to choose which voice to listen to."
• G-d's Help (Implied): The "helper" voice is ultimately guided by a higher power, and we are supported.
• Patience: The script allows for pauses and doesn't demand immediate perfect behavior. It’s about the process.

Time-Saving Tip: Practice saying this to yourself when you're in the car or doing chores. The more familiar it becomes, the more natural it will be to access it in the heat of the moment. You don't need to deliver a full lecture; even a few sentences can plant a helpful seed.

## Habit: The "One Minute of Mindfulness" Micro-Habit

This week, let's focus on cultivating a moment of internal awareness for ourselves, which will inevitably ripple out to our parenting.

The Habit: Once a day, for one minute, pause and simply notice the internal dialogue.

How to do it:

1. Choose a Trigger: Pick a consistent time or activity that will remind you. Examples:
   • When you first sit down in your car.
   • As you pour your first cup of coffee or tea.
   • When you're waiting for the microwave.
   • Right before you start your commute home.
   • As you close your laptop for the day.
2. The One Minute: For sixty seconds, simply observe. Don't try to change anything.
   • Notice the thoughts that are arising. Are they about to-do lists? Worries? Frustrations? Fleeting happy memories?
   • Notice the physical sensations. Are you tense? Relaxed? Tired?
   • Acknowledge the "voices" without judgment. You might notice a thought like, "I should really get to that email," and then a counter-thought like, "But I'm so tired." This is the benoni in action!
3. Bless the Process: Silently say to yourself, "This is the internal conversation. G-d is with me in this moment." This connects the internal experience to the spiritual framework of the benoni.

Why this is a Micro-Win: This isn't about achieving enlightenment in 60 seconds. It's about building self-awareness. By simply observing your internal landscape, you begin to recognize the "two voices" within yourself. You'll start to see when the "want it now" voice is louder and when the "let's be good" voice is more prominent. This awareness is the first step to being able to guide yourself, and by extension, your children, more effectively. It’s about recognizing that the struggle is normal and that you have the capacity to lean towards the good. It's a moment of connection with your own divine soul, a quiet acknowledgment of the ongoing work, and a reminder that you are not alone in this internal negotiation.

Time-Saving Tip: The beauty of this habit is its brevity. You can do it anywhere, anytime. Don't aim for perfection; aim for consistency. Even 30 seconds is a win!

## Takeaway

This week, we’ve explored the concept of the "benoni," the intermediate person, from the Tanya. The core takeaway for us as busy Jewish parents is this: You are not expected to be perfect, but you are called to be present and to strive for good. The internal battle between our impulses is real and constant, but the presence of our divine soul, aided by G-d, means we are always capable of choosing the good. Embrace the "good enough" tries. Bless the chaos of your home, recognizing that even in moments of struggle, you and your children are engaged in the ongoing, sacred work of becoming. Your consistent effort, your moments of leaning towards kindness and patience, are significant micro-wins that build a strong Jewish home and a resilient spirit. Keep going, you're doing great work!