Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 6:1

Shalom, dear parent! It's so good to connect with you today. We're diving into a foundational idea from the Tanya, and it's one that can really shift our perspective on our kids, ourselves, and the whole swirling world of parenting. No need for perfection here; we're aiming for connection and a little dose of wisdom to navigate the beautiful, messy journey of raising humans. Let's bless this chaos and find some micro-wins together.

Insight

This week, we're exploring a profound concept from the Tanya: "G–d has made one thing opposite the other." At its core, this means that in the grand tapestry of existence, for every force, every idea, every aspect of holiness, there is a corresponding force or idea that seems opposite. This isn't about a simple good vs. evil dichotomy, but rather a fundamental principle of divine creation. Think of it like light and shadow; one defines the other. The Tanya explains that just as our divine soul is structured with holy attributes (the sefirot), there’s a parallel system, a kind of "other side" (sitra achara), that operates on different principles. This "other side" is fueled by what the Tanya calls "ten crowns of impurity," which manifest as negative character traits – anger, jealousy, vanity, and so on.

Now, how does this relate to our kids? The Tanya points out that a child's immature intellect means they are naturally drawn to and provoked by "petty things of inferior worth." Their undeveloped mind struggles to grasp deeper, more precious values. This is not a flaw; it's a reflection of their developmental stage, their "intellect being too immature and deficient." So, when your child has a meltdown over a broken crayon, or gets into a turf war over a toy, the Tanya suggests this is the "other side" at play, amplified by their developing consciousness. Their desires and reactions, though sometimes frustrating, stem from this immaturity.

The key takeaway for us as parents is to reframe these moments. Instead of seeing our child's struggles as defiance or bad behavior, we can understand them as expressions of their developing spiritual and emotional capacity. The "other side" isn't some external evil force to be battled; it's the natural counterpoint to holiness, a force that exists within the human experience, especially in its early stages. Our role isn't to eradicate these "impurities" overnight, but to guide our children toward the light, to help them develop their capacity for self-abnegation to higher values, and to understand that even in mundane moments, there's a spiritual dimension.

The Tanya also offers a glimmer of hope: even within this world, which can feel dominated by the "other side," the light of the Divine permeates. It's present when we engage in Torah, when we gather with others, and it's potentially present in every Jew. This means that even in the midst of our children's challenging moments, there's an opportunity to connect them to something higher. Our goal is not to create perfect children devoid of negative traits, but to nurture their potential to connect with the Divine, to recognize that their actions, speech, and even thoughts have a spiritual significance. When our children's actions aren't directed towards G–d and His will, the Tanya describes this as being on the "other side." This can feel overwhelming, but remember, the "light and life" of the Divine is still there, even if it's diminished. Our task is to help them turn towards that light, one small step at a time. This understanding frees us from guilt and empowers us to see the potential for growth in every situation.

Text Snapshot

"G–d has made one thing opposite the other." (Ecclesiastes 7:14)

"For the middot are according to the quality of the intellect. Hence a child desires and loves petty things of inferior worth, for his intellect is too immature and deficient to appreciate things that are much more precious."

"So, too, are all utterances and thoughts which are not directed toward G–d and His will and service. For this is the meaning of sitra achara—‘the other side,’ i.e., not the side of holiness."

Activity

Connecting Through "Opposites" Play (10 minutes)

This activity is designed to help you and your child explore the concept of opposites in a fun, tangible way, without explicitly mentioning the spiritual concepts. It’s about building connection and demonstrating how contrasting elements can exist and even complement each other.

Objective: To engage in playful exploration of opposites, fostering communication and a sense of shared experience.

Materials:

• A small collection of everyday objects that clearly represent opposite pairs. Think:
  • A soft feather and a rough stone
  • A small toy car and a larger stuffed animal
  • A bright colored crayon and a dark colored crayon
  • A smooth pebble and a crumpled piece of paper
  • A short stick and a long ribbon
  • A picture of a smiling face and a picture of a frowning face (or draw them together!)
• Optional: A small basket or box to hold the objects.

Instructions:

1. Set the Stage (2 minutes): Find a quiet, comfortable spot where you and your child can sit together. You can say something like, "Hey [Child's Name], I have some fun things to play with today. We're going to play a game about things that are different from each other."
2. Introduce the "Opposites" Bag (3 minutes): Bring out your basket of objects. You can say, "Look at these things! Some of them are very different from each other. Let's find pairs that are like opposites."
3. Guided Discovery (5 minutes):
   • Pick up two objects yourself, for example, the feather and the stone. Say, "Hmm, this feather is very soft, and this stone is very rough. Soft and rough are like opposites, aren't they?"
   • Then, invite your child to pick up two objects. Encourage them to describe what they see and feel. If they pick up the short stick and the long ribbon, you can say, "Wow, that's a short stick and a long ribbon! Short and long are opposites!"
   • Continue this for a few rounds. Guide them by asking questions like:
     • "Is this object big or small?" (Offer a big stuffed animal and a small toy car).
     • "Is this color light or dark?" (Offer a yellow crayon and a black crayon).
     • "Does this feel smooth or bumpy?" (Offer a smooth pebble and a textured pinecone).
   • If your child struggles to find an opposite, you can gently offer a pairing: "Look, this is a picture of someone who is happy (show smiling face), and this is someone who is sad (show frowning face). Happy and sad are opposites!"
4. Wrap-up (Optional, if time allows): You can ask your child, "Can you think of any other things that are opposites?" For example, "Up" and "down," "hot" and "cold," "fast" and "slow."

Why this works: This activity uses concrete objects to illustrate the abstract concept of opposites. It encourages sensory exploration, verbalization, and critical thinking in a playful context. For children, understanding contrast helps them define and comprehend the world around them. For us, it’s a beautiful opportunity to connect with our child, to listen to their observations, and to model how we can explore and understand differences with curiosity rather than judgment. It’s a micro-win for connection and a gentle introduction to a foundational idea.

Script

(Scene: You're with your child, and they're having a strong reaction to something seemingly small – maybe they're deeply upset their ice cream fell, or they're getting into a heated argument over a toy.)

Child: (Crying, wailing, or yelling) "It's not fair! My ice cream fell! It's ruined! I hate it!" / "No, it's my turn! You always get it!"

Parent: (Taking a deep breath, kneeling or sitting to be at their level, speaking calmly and kindly)

"Oh, my sweet [Child's Name]. I see how upset you are right now. Your ice cream fell, and that's so disappointing. It's okay to feel sad or angry when something like that happens. It feels like such a big deal, doesn't it?

Sometimes, when things don't go the way we want them to, it can feel really frustrating. It's like when you really want something, and then it's gone or someone else has it. That feeling, of things not being quite right, or of wanting something desperately, is something we all experience.

Remember how we talked about how sometimes things feel really important to us, even if they're small? That's a big part of being a kid – your feelings are so strong, and that's completely okay. We can work through this feeling together. What do you think we can do now? Maybe we can get a tissue, or we can try to clean it up, or perhaps we can think about what we might do next. Whatever it is, we'll figure it out together, okay?"

(Rationale for the script): This script aims to validate the child's emotions without necessarily agreeing with the "catastrophe" itself. It subtly introduces the idea of strong feelings and desires, linking them to the child's current experience without using complex spiritual terms. The phrase "it feels like such a big deal" acknowledges their perception. "It's like when you really want something, and then it's gone or someone else has it" is a relatable way to describe the pull of desire and potential disappointment. The acknowledgment that "that's a big part of being a kid" normalizes their strong reactions. The focus then shifts to problem-solving and togetherness, reinforcing the parent's supportive role. This approach avoids judgment and aims for empathy, creating a safe space for the child to process their emotions and for the parent to gently guide them. It's about acknowledging the "other side" of strong emotions without getting lost in it.

Habit

The "One Opposite" Observation (Micro-Habit)

Goal: To cultivate awareness of the concept of opposites in everyday interactions with your child, fostering a more nuanced understanding of their behavior and the world around them.

How to do it: This week, commit to noticing and gently acknowledging one instance each day where you observe an "opposite" dynamic in your child's behavior or in your interaction. This doesn't require a deep philosophical discussion; it's a simple mental note or a brief, casual observation.

Examples:

• During mealtime: Your child is enthusiastically eating their favorite food, and then suddenly pushes away their healthy vegetables. You might silently note: "Ah, pleasure and aversion."
• During playtime: Your child is happily sharing a toy, and then moments later, has a strong reaction and wants it all to themselves. You might note: "Generosity and possessiveness."
• When they're learning something new: They grasp a concept quickly, and then struggle with the next step. You might note: "Understanding and confusion."
• When they express a strong emotion: They are overjoyed about a small success, and then immediately distraught over a minor setback. You might note: "Exhilaration and disappointment."

How to integrate it:

• Mental Note: Simply acknowledge it in your mind as you observe it. "There's that contrast again."
• Brief Verbalization (Optional, if it feels natural): You could say to yourself, or perhaps later to your partner, "Wow, they were so happy about that, and then so upset about this. Such different feelings!"
• No Pressure: If you miss a day, no worries! The goal is "good-enough" tries. Just pick it up again the next day.

Why it's a micro-habit: This requires minimal time and mental energy. It's about shifting your internal lens to notice the inherent dualities present in life and in our children's development. By gently observing these "opposites," you begin to internalize the Tanya's wisdom that these contrasts are a natural part of creation, rather than personal failures. This can lead to greater patience and a more compassionate understanding of your child's sometimes contradictory behaviors.

Takeaway

The profound insight from the Tanya, that "G–d has made one thing opposite the other," offers us a powerful lens through which to view our parenting journey. It suggests that the challenging behaviors we witness in our children – their strong desires, their frustrations over seemingly small things, their moments of anger or possessiveness – are not necessarily signs of inherent badness, but rather natural expressions of their developing souls navigating the complexities of existence. This understanding liberates us from guilt and judgment, allowing us to approach our children with greater empathy and patience.

When we see our child's struggle not as a defiance of holiness, but as a manifestation of the natural "other side" that exists in all of us, we can respond with more compassion. Our role, then, becomes less about eradicating these "impurities" and more about guiding them, gently and consistently, towards the light of holiness. By embracing the "good-enough" try, celebrating micro-wins in our connection, and observing the inherent dualities with curiosity, we can foster a more loving and understanding environment for our children, and for ourselves. Remember, even in the most mundane or challenging moments, there is an opportunity to connect to something higher, and that is a truly precious thing.