Tanya, Part I; Likkutei Amarim 6:7

Shalom! I'm so glad you're here. Parenting is a journey, and sometimes it feels like we're navigating a beautiful, messy, and wonderfully complex landscape. My goal is to offer practical, empathetic Jewish wisdom to help you find moments of connection and growth, even in the midst of the everyday beautiful chaos. We're all about "good enough" tries here, celebrating the effort and the learning, not perfection. Let's dive into this week's topic, which is all about understanding the push and pull in our lives and our children's lives, and how to navigate it with a little bit of Jewish insight.

Insight

This week, we're exploring a profound concept from Tanya, specifically Likkutei Amarim 6:7, which speaks to the fundamental principle that "G–d has made one thing opposite the other." This idea, rooted in Ecclesiastes, is a cornerstone of Jewish thought and offers a powerful lens through which to view our parenting. It suggests that duality isn't just a random occurrence; it's a divinely ordained structure of existence. In the spiritual realm, this translates to the interplay between holiness and its opposite, the "other side" (sitra achara). But how does this abstract idea connect to the nitty-gritty of raising children? Tanya explains that just as the divine soul has holy attributes, so too does the "animal soul"—the part of us driven by our physical needs and desires—have its own set of "crowns of impurity." These are not inherently evil in a simplistic sense, but rather, they represent the potential for our baser instincts to dominate. The text highlights that a child's immature intellect means they are prone to desiring "petty things of inferior worth," getting easily provoked by trivial matters, and exhibiting other immaturities. This is the "opposite" at play: the pure potential of the divine soul clashing with the less refined impulses of the developing ego.

As parents, we often witness this duality firsthand. We see our child’s capacity for immense love and generosity, and then, moments later, their susceptibility to jealousy, frustration, or selfishness. This isn't a sign of a "bad" child; it's a reflection of the universal human experience of navigating these opposing forces. Tanya frames this not as a battle against an external evil, but as an internal process of refinement. The "impure garments" are the thoughts, speech, and actions that stem from these less elevated desires. When our children act out, it's often because these "impure garments" are what their developing intellect can grasp and express. They haven't yet learned to fully align their actions with the higher aspirations of their divine soul.

The text further elaborates that anything not surrendered to G–d—anything that stands as a "separate thing by itself"—derives its vitality from "behind its back," as it were, a diminished and indirect source of energy. This is contrasted with the side of holiness, where G–d's presence abides when something surrenders itself completely. This is why, as our Sages teach, even when a single individual engages in Torah, the Shechinah (Divine Presence) rests upon them. It’s about alignment, about connecting to the source of pure, unadulterated vitality. For children, this surrender is a process of learning and growth. Their limited understanding of the world means they often operate from this "separate thing by itself" perspective, driven by immediate gratification and undeveloped emotional regulation.

Understanding this concept can be incredibly freeing for parents. Instead of seeing a child’s challenging behavior as a personal affront or a moral failing, we can view it as a natural stage of development, an expression of the inherent duality within us all. It’s a reminder that their capacity for love and connection is real, and their moments of immaturity are simply a sign that they are still learning to navigate the "opposite" forces. The world of kelipot (husks or shells) and sitra achara is not an external force trying to corrupt us, but rather, the inherent limitations and lesser aspects of our own existence that we must learn to transcend. This includes the less desirable aspects of our children's development.

The text emphasizes that this "other side" is not inherently nothingness, but rather, it is given vitality in a diminished way, so it doesn't revert to non-existence. This is crucial for our perspective as parents. Our children's less-than-ideal behaviors are not pure nothingness; they are expressions of developing energies that need to be understood and guided, not eradicated. The lower grade of kelipot consists of "three kelipot which are altogether unclean and evil, containing no good whatsoever." These are the sources from which flow the souls of nations, unclean creatures, and forbidden foods. While this sounds stark, in the context of parenting, it speaks to the primal drives and undeveloped instincts that we see in our children. Think of a toddler's intense tantrums – they are not acting out of malice, but from a place of overwhelming, undifferentiated emotion.

However, the text also offers a glimmer of hope and a profound understanding of our role: "there are contained in it [this world] the ten sefirot [of the world] of Asiyah (Action) of the side of holiness..." This means that even within the "mundane affairs" and the struggles, the divine light is present, albeit clothed in these lower worlds. Our task, as Jewish parents, is to help our children connect to this divine light, to help them understand the "opposite" and choose the side of holiness, not through force, but through gentle guidance and modeling. It's about recognizing the divine spark even when it's obscured by the "husks."

This understanding of duality is not meant to be a source of anxiety, but rather a framework for greater empathy and patience. When our child struggles with sharing, for instance, we can see it not as pure selfishness, but as a demonstration of their undeveloped understanding of connection and community. Their desire for possession is a manifestation of the "opposite," the drive to hold onto what they perceive as theirs, which is a fundamental aspect of self-preservation. Our role is to help them see beyond this immediate impulse and understand the joy and holiness of generosity. It’s about recognizing that even in the most challenging moments, the divine is present, and our children have the capacity to connect with it. We are not just managing behavior; we are nurturing souls.

The concept of "opposite" can also be understood in the context of our own parenting. We might strive for perfect patience, only to find ourselves feeling incredibly frustrated. These are the "opposites" we experience. Our aspiration for calm, measured responses is met with the raw, immediate emotions of our children, and sometimes, our own less-than-ideal reactions. Tanya's insight encourages us to see these moments not as failures, but as opportunities to understand the spectrum of human experience. The "good-enough" parent is one who can acknowledge their own struggles with these opposites and still strive to connect with their child from a place of love and understanding.

Ultimately, this teaching from Tanya is a profound reminder that our children are not simply beings to be molded, but souls in development, navigating the intricate dance between their divine potential and their earthly impulses. Our role is to be their guides, helping them to discern and choose the path of holiness, not by denying the existence of the "other side," but by understanding its nature and by illuminating the path towards the divine. This perspective offers us a way to bless the chaos, to see the potential for holiness even in the messiest moments, and to celebrate every micro-win as a step towards their spiritual growth and our own. It's about recognizing that the divine spark is within them, waiting to be fanned into flame through our patient love and guidance.

Text Snapshot

"G–d has made one thing opposite the other." (Ecclesiastes 7:14) "For the middot [character traits] are according to the quality of the intellect. Hence a child desires and loves petty things of inferior worth, for his intellect is too immature and deficient to appreciate things that are much more precious." "So, too, are all utterances and thoughts which are not directed toward G–d and His will and service. For this is the meaning of sitra achara—'the other side,' i.e., not the side of holiness."

Activity

The "Opposites" Mirror Game (≤10 minutes)

This activity helps children (and us!) recognize and understand the concept of "opposites" in a fun, interactive way, connecting it to the idea of different behaviors and emotions. It's about acknowledging that there are different ways to be and different ways to react, and that we can choose.

Materials:

• A mirror (a hand mirror is great, or you can use a bathroom mirror).
• Optional: Two simple, contrasting objects (e.g., a soft feather and a small, hard pebble, a bright colored block and a dull colored block).

Instructions:

1. Introduce the Concept (1-2 minutes): Sit with your child in front of the mirror. Say something like: "Look in the mirror! Do you see yourself? Today, we're going to play a game about 'opposites.' Do you know what opposites are?" Give a simple example: "Hot and cold are opposites. Big and small are opposites. Happy and sad are opposites." If you have the contrasting objects, hold them up: "This feather is soft, and this pebble is hard. Soft and hard are opposites!"

2. The Mirror Game - Facial Expressions (3-4 minutes): "Now, let's play a game with our faces in the mirror. I'm going to make a face, and you make the opposite face! Ready?"

   • Parent: Make a big, happy smile. "Okay, now you make the opposite of happy!" (Child might make a sad face, a silly face, or a neutral face – all are great responses!)
   • Parent: Make a grumpy, frowning face. "Now you make the opposite of grumpy!"
   • Parent: Make a surprised face (eyes wide, mouth open). "Now you make the opposite of surprised!"
   • Parent: Make a sleepy face (eyes half-closed, yawning). "Now you make the opposite of sleepy!"

   Encourage your child to lead! "Now it's your turn to make a face, and I'll try to make the opposite!"

3. The Mirror Game - Actions (3-4 minutes): "We can play opposites with actions too! Watch me."

   • Parent: Stand up tall. "Now, you do the opposite of standing tall!" (Child might sit down, crouch, or lie down).
   • Parent: Clap your hands slowly. "Now, do the opposite of clapping slowly!" (Child might clap fast, stomp their feet, or do something else energetic).
   • Parent: Wave hello. "Now, do the opposite of waving hello!" (Child might wave goodbye, shake their head, or make a different gesture).

   Again, let your child lead: "Your turn to do an action, and I'll try to do the opposite!"

4. Connecting to Emotions and Choices (1-2 minutes): "Sometimes, we feel happy, and sometimes we feel sad or angry. These are like opposites! And sometimes, we do things that are helpful, and sometimes, maybe not so helpful. It's like there are different choices we can make. Our brains help us learn to make good choices, just like we learned to make opposite faces and actions in the mirror!" "Remember, even when we feel grumpy or do something that's not our best, we can always try to make a different choice next time. It's like changing our face in the mirror to a happy one!"

Why this helps:

• Concrete Representation: For children, abstract concepts like "opposite forces" or "sitra achara" are hard to grasp. This game makes "opposite" tangible and fun.
• Emotional Awareness: By acting out opposite emotions (happy/sad, calm/excited), children begin to recognize and label their own feelings.
• Flexibility and Choice: The game implicitly teaches that there are alternatives to any given state or action. This plants the seed for understanding that we can choose how to respond, even when faced with difficult emotions or impulses, aligning with the idea of choosing the "side of holiness."
• Empowerment: When the child leads, they feel in control and engaged. Recognizing that they can "make the opposite" face or action empowers them to think about making different choices in real life.
• Connection: It's a simple, playful interaction that fosters connection between parent and child, making learning enjoyable.

This activity is a micro-experience of the larger concept: acknowledging different states and having the agency to shift towards a more constructive or positive one. It's about the foundational understanding that there isn't just one way to be, and we can learn to navigate these different states.

Script

Scenario: Your child, let's say Maya (age 6), is upset because her older brother, Avi (age 9), took her favorite toy. She stomps her foot and says, "You're the worst brother ever! I hate you!" This is a moment where the "other side" of strong, negative emotion is showing.

Awkward Question: "Mom/Dad, why is Maya saying she hates Avi? Avi didn't even do anything that bad. She's being so dramatic!"

Parent's Script (Approx. 30 seconds):

"Oh, sweetie, I hear you. It's hard when Maya says things like that, and it sounds really upsetting to you when she says she hates Avi. It makes sense that you're wondering why she's so upset, right?

You know how sometimes we feel really, really angry or sad, and it feels so big inside that we say things we don't totally mean? Like when you accidentally spill juice and feel SO frustrated, you might say 'Ugh, I hate this!' even though you don't really hate the juice?

Maya is feeling a really big, opposite feeling right now – she's very upset that Avi took her toy. Her anger is so big, it's like a giant cloud in her head, and she's saying big words because she doesn't know how to make the feeling smaller yet. It doesn't mean she really hates Avi forever, it just means she's having a really tough moment with her feelings. We can help her when she's ready, but for now, let's focus on you and how we can deal with hearing those tough words."

Explanation of the Script:

• Validation: "I hear you. It's hard when Maya says things like that, and it sounds really upsetting to you..." This acknowledges the listener's feelings and validates their confusion.
• Relatable Analogy: "...Like when you accidentally spill juice and feel SO frustrated, you might say 'Ugh, I hate this!' even though you don't really hate the juice?" This uses a child-friendly, relatable example of emotional hyperbole, connecting it to their own experiences. This is the "opposite" being expressed through exaggerated language.
• Framing the Child's Emotion: "Maya is feeling a really big, opposite feeling right now... Her anger is so big, it's like a giant cloud in her head, and she's saying big words because she doesn't know how to make the feeling smaller yet." This reframes Maya's outburst not as malice, but as an overwhelming, undifferentiated emotion that she hasn't yet learned to manage. It connects to the idea of the "other side" as a force that can overwhelm when not understood or channeled.
• Focus on Growth, Not Guilt: "It doesn't mean she really hates Avi forever, it just means she's having a really tough moment with her feelings." This prevents the listener from internalizing Maya's words as a permanent state. It emphasizes that this is a moment, a struggle.
• Parental Role: "We can help her when she's ready..." This highlights the parent's role in guiding and supporting the child through these moments.
• Shifting Focus (if needed): "...but for now, let's focus on you and how we can deal with hearing those tough words." This is a practical addition if the listener is also struggling and needs support. It allows the parent to address the immediate need of the child asking the question.

This script aims to be empathetic, informative, and practical, offering a Jewish lens on understanding difficult emotions and behaviors without judgment.

Habit

The "One Opposite" Observation (Micro-Habit for the Week)

Goal: To cultivate awareness of the "opposite" principle in everyday life and parenting.

Time Commitment: 1-2 minutes, once a day.

How to Do It: At some point each day (perhaps during your commute, while washing dishes, or just before bed), take just 60-120 seconds to consciously observe one instance of an "opposite" playing out. This could be:

• In your child: Noticing a moment of intense frustration followed by a moment of calm, or a desire for something (e.g., candy) followed by a willingness to wait for something better (e.g., a planned outing).
• In yourself: Recognizing a feeling of wanting to yell followed by taking a deep breath and speaking calmly, or feeling overwhelmed by a task and then finding a small, manageable step to begin.
• In your environment: Observing the contrast between a cloudy day and a sunny moment, or the quiet of the early morning versus the bustle of later.

The Practice: Simply notice. You don't need to do anything about it, judge it, or analyze it deeply. Just acknowledge: "Ah, there's an opposite."

Example:

• Child: Your toddler is having a meltdown because you said no to a cookie before dinner. You notice their intense frustration (the "opposite" of calm). A few minutes later, they are happily playing with a toy, showing a moment of peace. You mentally note: "Frustration and then peace – opposites."
• Self: You feel a surge of impatience waiting in line at the grocery store. You notice that feeling (the "opposite" of patience). Then, you consciously decide to focus on listening to a podcast. You mentally note: "Impatience and choosing to focus – opposites."

Why this habit is a micro-win:

• Low Barrier to Entry: It takes almost no extra time and can be integrated into existing routines.
• Shifts Perspective: It gently trains your mind to see the world through the lens of duality and interconnectedness, as described in Tanya.
• Builds Empathy: By noticing the "opposites" in your child's behavior (e.g., intense anger followed by sweetness), you can develop more patience and understanding. You see their struggles not as static traits, but as moments within a spectrum.
• Reduces Judgment: When you see the "opposite" in yourself (e.g., wanting to snap but choosing kindness), it fosters self-compassion and a more realistic view of parenting.
• Foundation for Growth: This simple observation is the first step towards actively choosing the "side of holiness" or a more constructive response, as it makes you aware of the choices available.

This habit is about cultivating a mindful awareness that helps you bless the chaos and see the potential for growth in every moment.

Takeaway

This week, we've explored the profound Jewish concept that "G–d has made one thing opposite the other," and how this duality plays out in our children's development and our parenting journey. Instead of viewing our children's challenging behaviors as purely negative, we can understand them as natural expressions of the developing soul navigating opposing forces. Their immature intellect means they are prone to focusing on "petty things" and reacting intensely, which is the "other side" at play.

Remember, this isn't about fighting an external evil, but about guiding our children to understand these impulses and connect with their higher potential. The presence of "opposites" is not a flaw in creation, but a fundamental aspect of how things function, and even within the "other side," the divine light is present, albeit in a veiled form.

Our role as Jewish parents is to be the gentle guides, the patient observers, and the loving models who help our children recognize these opposing forces within themselves and learn to choose the path of holiness. By embracing empathy, celebrating "good-enough" tries, and consciously observing these "opposites" in our daily lives, we can transform moments of struggle into opportunities for connection and spiritual growth. We can bless the chaos, knowing that within it lies the potential for immense good, and that our children, with our guidance, can learn to navigate the spectrum of human experience with wisdom and love.

May you find moments of peace and connection this week as you embrace this beautiful duality.